i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the breath

i know, i know, i want to be a liberated yogi and the hallmark sign of a liberated yogi is not to get worked up about anything and definitely not to react to thoughts and emotions. but for now i just couldn't help it. here's why. this morning there is a hotel charge $165.93 showing up on the credit card. turns out this charge is in the process of being refunded and is takes several days to happen. then there are two charges, $7.95 each. some sort of services to get you onto the web in airports. but hwubby doesn't remember giving credit card info for such services on that date. my point is this. the investor insists on our credit balance showing zero before they would fund the mortgage loan. on one hand i have no problem with that. on another hand this is a corporation that received tens of billions of federal bailout money. so somehow my mind just can't reconcile the two and keeps churning out reaction after reaction, emotion after emotion. really, the corporation gets a huge bailout. it turns around and squeeze responsible borrowers like us. i have outstanding credit score. i have demonstrated that i have been paying all the bills on time. yet the investor wouldn't accept anything other than zero balance, not even after i paid off the almost six thousand dollars of statement balance and another two thousand dollars of current balance. that's a matter of principle? fine. but what the heck is all that bailout money about? wasn't that against the free market principle?

in the end, as i type, i paid off the $181.83. but the mental turbulence is still going strong. i have to keep my eye on the goal. getting the loan through. i guess i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the movement of the easy breath until the mental torrent runs out of momentum. om namah shivaya.

happy and content to be a one trick pony

a person in my life has been moaning, groaning and goes, i'm wrong, i can't do it, it's hopeless, can't you understand? do i understand? hey, i'm a one trick pony. all i know, from eighteen years of meditation, chanting, studying with the teacher, contemplating the teachings and many direct experiences, i have within me a solid and stable source of contentment, courage, strength, serenity and sweet joy. as long as i am anchored in that place i can see all kinds of dark mental clouds appear and say, o, it's weather. and you know what, all weather pass sooner or later. no exception. someone asks a swami, can meditation help me to get over all this negative stuff? without missing a beat he says with a smile and eyes sparkling with conviction, yes, unless you hold on to it. and so it is that i hold on to one thing and one thing only with my dear life. i am light, consciousness and bliss. everything else are weather. the only way i know how to become established in this place is...meditation. i'm happy and content to be a one trick pont

surviving a mental storm

there is one tendency i really thought i had uprooted it. every last tendril of it. this is boring. i'm not having any meditation experience.

not so fast. it returns this morning. for a little while i see a variety of same-o same-o reactions clouding in on the mental horizon. i couldn't believe it. what's going on? why? i've had it. i can't deal with this anymore. same-o same-o feelings. agitation. restlessness. the body is fidgeting like a gazillion ants crawling all over me.

at a moment like this the only thing i have to fall back on is the power of the practices. it's like i've been saving up a pile in a bank account for rainy days. and this is a rainy day to draw on my savings.
so i turn attention over to the sound and movement of the breath. i say to the inner self, i can't do this on my own, please take me across, i need your help. i make a conscious effort to let awareness plunge into the ocean of the breath. again and again. it works. i come out of meditation feeling like surviving after a storm. stronger. surer. inner sky clear and calm. ready to take care of what need to be done today with determined focus.

meditation and wheat-free-gluten-free brownies

meditation is so fascinating and exciting. really. there i am enjoying the lovely sound of the easy breath flowing through a comfortable posture when i feel this longing to....make brownies. almost instantaneously i see limiting thoughts rear their heads. no baking chocolates. no cocoa powder. no double boiler. it's a crisis moment. seriously. if it were not for the cumulative effect of the practices i would have gone bananas. seriously. because i would have been sucked into the stormy mental weather. instead, i make conscious efforts to turn attention to the divine humming sound in the breathing movement. soon i hear a message from within. you have what it takes. you know what to do. in another couple of rounds of breath i go a little deeper and higher within. where the source of courage and strength is.

fast forward to after meditation. i feel a gentle prompting from within to go dig deep into the pantry. i follow it. and so it is way in the back behind and underneath provisions i see a small ziplock bag of 4 unsweetened baking choc squares and a few spoonfuls of premium cocoa powder in a can. just enough for a batch of brownies.

as for the double boiler i look at what i have in terms of pots and pans, play around with a few things and discover a small saucepan that has a lip. i place it over a small pot. there i have it. an adorable double boiler.

my wheat-free, gluten-free brownies are...dare i say, sublime. i can't help but amaze at myself:) i mean, the inner self.

remember i am the self

here's another expression that i need to watch out for. i feel...  sad, angry, upset, overwhelmed, whatever. the thing about this is really subtle. it sucks me into being that feeling when in fact i am the self. so i am making a conscious effort to say something like, i see sadness coming up. hwubby says, yeah, it's like weather. yep, mental weather.

what about uplifting feelings? i notice a difference in how i say it. i am happy. i am grateful. i am contented. and i hold the understanding that they are not dependent on anything outside of me. they are part and parcel of the inner self. remember, i am the inner self. the self-efforts i put in are all about helping me to remember that. hwubby says, it's called self-effort because they are efforts towards connecting with the self.