surviving a mental storm

there is one tendency i really thought i had uprooted it. every last tendril of it. this is boring. i'm not having any meditation experience.

not so fast. it returns this morning. for a little while i see a variety of same-o same-o reactions clouding in on the mental horizon. i couldn't believe it. what's going on? why? i've had it. i can't deal with this anymore. same-o same-o feelings. agitation. restlessness. the body is fidgeting like a gazillion ants crawling all over me.

at a moment like this the only thing i have to fall back on is the power of the practices. it's like i've been saving up a pile in a bank account for rainy days. and this is a rainy day to draw on my savings.
so i turn attention over to the sound and movement of the breath. i say to the inner self, i can't do this on my own, please take me across, i need your help. i make a conscious effort to let awareness plunge into the ocean of the breath. again and again. it works. i come out of meditation feeling like surviving after a storm. stronger. surer. inner sky clear and calm. ready to take care of what need to be done today with determined focus.

empathy involves listening without judgment

yesterday hwubby says, what is a simple definition of empathy? i say, i don't know for sure but i think it involves listening without judgment, jumping to conclusion and 'fixing the problem.' hwubby says, o, that's very good. i say, so what's your definition. he says, well then, for now, i think it is 'accepting and/or listening to the other's experience without judgment, jumping to conclusion and 'fixing the problem.' do you think it's 'accepting', or 'listening', or both. i think a moment and say, listening is good, it's a simple and direct action, neutral. somehow accepting, in my simple mind, carries an implication of going along with it even though you don't agree with it, you don't like it.

this morning i'm already having an opportunity to be empathetic towards myself. i see thoughts, appearing every now and then, all to do with going back into the past, beating myself up and wishing things to be different. i watch them upping and downing in intensity while i recognize them as residual tendency. all they do is take me away from the present moment, out of my inner self and disconnect me from the capability to see the situation as it is right now and deal with it the way it is. really, my inner self stays full and undiminished however things turn out. that's the real bottom line.

imminent and transcendent all at once

a twinkling galaxy of promptings, guidance, instructions in today's meditation. the effort i have to make is to write down the keywords for each one without interrupting the meditative state. it never ceases to amaze me how far and deep the inner self sees. in a couple of short, succinct instructions i get the framework of a complex transaction i have to take care of. with one word i receive the gist of a email response i have to make. in a phrase i read the pulse of the beneath-the-surface emotional currents in a situation i am in and that illumines me to the appropriate way to interact with the other. now i see the behavior of the other in a new light, a clear and quiet eye. 3 alphabets illumine the doorway to a backup plan in case plan a doesn't work out.

i can go on and on like this. i don't intend to meditate for the purpose of planning the day. and yet that's what happens as an unintended benefit. but what i am really thrilled about is that i really feel like i am in this natural meditative state as i go about the day. i can see the knee-jerk reaction tendency is still around but it's no longer in the driver seat.

thank you, my inner self. you are truly both imminent and transcendent all at once.

being with inner self is letting go of fear of unknown

the mind comes awake in a snap but the body is lying totally still. for a while in the night my entire existence is being aware of the deep and long breathing roaming the vast inner world that has no ends and edges. the experience is exquisite. the silence is throbbing with a sense of full and rich being. there's no place outside i'd rather be.

after a while i hear with the inner ear this message. staying in the present is how you plan the future. this is the answer to the tendency to worry. i am facing a whole host of issues that i can't see how they might turn out. meanwhile unexpected twists and turns are showing up left and right. i can see the tendency to know what is going to happen lurking. but really the best way to take care of them is to keep myself firmly anchored in the inner self. only then can i see with a clear sky mind what might be an entryway that eventually leads to an outcome that i am not even aware of its existence right now. it's only through moment-by-moment presence that i can be with the play of consciousness, that i am not shutting out the possibility of possibilities. 

ultimately, it's all about letting go of the fear of the unknown. and the only way i know how to do that is to strengthen and deepen my connection with the inner self through meditation.

visiting a friend in convalescence

i never know when i get presented with a opportunity to work on a tendency, or dare i say, residual tendency, since i have been putting in steady, sweet efforts to not getting caught up in it.

here's a scenario. i've been spending time with a dear spiritual sister who is recuperating from 'sudden death syndrome,' a riveting heart drama. all i can do is to be with her, help her arrange things around the living space to make it work for her. things like putting out the pans and pots she need to use frequently because she can't bend down or lift her arms, set up a blender, a toaster-oven, and, most important of all, unclutter. she says, i realize i don't need half of the things. it's been really sweet.

the tendency i'm referring to is 'judging.' here's how it goes. while on one hand most visitors are kind, considerate and sensitive, there are people, she says, are just....and i can't think of a nice and generous word for it right now. there was this one who stayed for hours and my friend felt like she had to entertain the visitor. there was that one who, seeing my friend making a chicken dish for her lunch, asked, do you have more of it? then there was this one who, soon after walking through the door, couldn't wait to start unload her own emotional misery.

as my sweet-natured friend tells me all this, i have to make a conscious effort to turn my attention to the breathing movement and the soothing hum flowing through it while i say to myself, what's up with these people, what are they thinking?

my inner self says, they are what they are. that helps. the mental agitation fades.

best way to multi-task? stay in the present

hwubby says, i like to do many things at the same time, wify likes to do one thing at a time. i think he's right...up to a point. after all at any given moment he can only be doing one thing even though his eyes are on the email screen, ears glued to the cell and fingers typing a doc.

anyhow it comes to me in meditation that the best way to multi-task is stay in the present. because the inner self is eternally in the present. i may look like i am doing only one thing. but what about the mind? hwubby would put it kindly. wify likes to think ahead. but the truth is the habitual tendency to worry runs old and deep. totally fear-based. i acknowledge i am doing better. now i see the thoughts and feelings that take me out of the present before they seize me up. a huge step forward.

be myself. everyone else is taken.

comparing with others. haven't heard from this old, old tendency for a while. and there it is, coming for a visit. this time i treat it differently. i watch it come. i watch it mutate. i watch it try to seduce me with various disguises. meanwhile i keep returning again and again to the stabilizing sound of the easy breath. i know for sure that i have finally passed the tipping point that i am so much more drawn to the light of the inner self than a tendency like this. it no longer has the power to take me away from meditating on the rich, beautiful silence of the inner self. it no longer has the power to trick me into identifying with that which is not who and what i am.

i am happy and content to be myself. besides, who else can i be? everyone else is taken:)

where structure and spontaneity rise and merge.

sleeping in 2 days in a row.

the mind is in some sort of suspension, in the middle of nowhere. i know why. the mind needs to get out of some old wiring and some new mental circuitry has to be put in place.

my editor says, your mind doesn't work in a cause and effect way, and it has to for the book to work. these heavenly creatures, monkey, pig, phoenix can't just keep popping out of nowhere. and what is quan yin's plan for her? these creatures' appearances must have a purpose in terms of quan yin's plan for suk wah in the book.

as i watch thoughts and reactions out of hurt pride and the tendency to defend ready to pounce i realize the cumulative power of my practices are lifting me out of the old way. i don't think i could have taken  the metaphor my editor lay out if i were not in a relatively quiet space within.

it's from einstein, my editor says as she draws a dog with its nose up against a wall. she keeps adding lines above and below the wall and the dog turns out to be on a step along a flight of stairs. the dog is trying hard to move forward, but the only way forward is up. einstein says, you can't solve a problem on its level, you must go up.

aaah. the mind has to go up. into the quiet space of the inner self, the source of all creativity, where structure and spontaneity rise and merge.

no wonder i feel drawn to sit down to sing aum and hum. seriously i am already seeing sparks popping up here and there. tiny but sparks nonetheless.

sleeping in

the other day a seasoned meditator said, one day a month i sleep in. i was like, not me. guess what. i sleep in today.

pride. arrogance. still there within me. tendency to judge. still there. i've got work cut out for me.

jewels and toilet. 45m + 31m

i come out of meditation, look at the timer and think, wow, it's more than an hour, it's much better than the last few days.

before the thought rolls into another thought and then another i see what's happening. it's the residual tendency to judge, to compare. each meditation is what each meditation is.

then i remember the dream from last night.

old tendency in clever disguise. 45m + 28m

fascinating to see how an old tendency comes back in a new way, subtle way.

it goes like this. hmmm. i don't know what to blog about. i don't have any meditation experience.

oops.

one hundred billion galaxies within. 45 m + 23 m

here's an old, old recurring tendency of mine. it goes like this. i don't have meditation experiences, i don't have good meditations. why? i don't have visions, i don't see lightnings and thunderbolts, and so on and so forth. the most devastating version is something like, man, i can't sit for so many minutes, there's no way i can sit through this.

and so it is today i see a whiff of restlessness passing through my awareness. but no sooner than i catch it i become acutely aware of the steady breathing movement and the response of the chest to it.

nib it in the bud. 40 m + 23 m

i watch the residual tendency to compare coming in as i come to awake. it no longer has the control over me the way it used to thanks to all that effort i've been putting in to build up the connection to the inner self. but, like weeds, it has a way to spring a shoot above ground just when i think i've got rid of it once and for all.

i can feel a twitch of restlessness, agitation lurking to slice and dice the mind into a worked up mush.

fortunately i catch it when it is tiny. i can nib it in the bud.

i hold on to the discipline like my dear life. methodically i follow through with all the small, specific actions i've put in place. with every round of easy breath i feel a little more settled.

by the time i get to silently humming and feel the buoyant buzz in the nose, in the forehead, in the vast consciousness that is shining satiny black i'm just watching the tendency weakened to something like a soft mist.

what is really coming through in the ocean sound of the breath is a sense of gratitude. grateful that i am catching it before it becomes a full blown catastrophe. grateful that i have the tools to take care of it. grateful that i have the awareness that the tendency, any tendency for that matter, is just weather, and like any weather, it will go away.

humming mmm is my new habit. 41 m + 34 m

i notice a new habit is shaping up.

it all began at the beginning of the year. and spontaneously too. after i finish singing 36 rounds of aum, i would glide into humming the extended resonance mmmm. the buzz would build and build. it would fill up the arms, hands, until the fingers feel like living, warm water balloons bouncing gently.

soon molecules and cells from deep within the body respond and reverberate in sync. there's something phenomenally calming and settling about it. sweet too. 

meditation is my connection technology. 39 m + 37 m

an instructive comes through clearly and gently as i prepare the body into the easy lotus posture. pay kaiser bill today.

i immediately know that i have forgotten all about this one amidst getting the month-end and year-end financial data ready.

but, here's the deal. i notice a few things about my inner state. first, it's utterly unperturbed. the tendency to beat myself up is nowhere. second, i realize when i send out the payment today i am not paying ahead of time, nor behind, but, rather, right on time. so it's not too much time, too little time, but, just enough time.

what good does it do not to forget i am the inner self? 45 m + 15 m

for now it's taking me longer than i would like to get up. am i lazy? what is it?

here's what i observe. as i leave the state of sleep i am aware of nothing else but the sound and movement of the gentle, easeful breath. in that state i remember nothing else, i know nothing else, i want nothing else. i am this hungry infant latched onto the nipple and won't let go and if you dangle the biggest diamond in front of it it couldn't care less.

that is a sweet and quiet state without worry, anxiety, or any relative of fear. but it is so alive, pulsating with the inaudible buzz of life force. the silence is thrilling. the stillness is exhilarating.

and so it is not difficult for me to hold back the old tendency to yank the body out of it. i have no doubt that the intelligence permeating every cell and nucleus and mitochondron is guiding the body to move along at a pace that is just right for me. which is not move at all, not in a way that is comprehensible to the mind and senses, kind of like a glacier is moving all the time but not detectable to the human eye. but through the pure awareness bathing in the breath ocean i know keenly that the body is responding to the steady and unyielding momentum flowing through my breath.

this message appears quietly as i relish being aloft in the ocean sound and warmth of my vast consciousness. any moment you think you are not enough, you don't have enough, you are not good enough in any kind of way is the sign you forget that you are the inner self.

right away i hear the old mental tendency enslaved in mitzrahim, narrow, poverty consciousness, shoot back, o give me a break, what good does that do?

not missing a beat i hear the response from you know who, no it doesn't change the external circumstances of the challenges but it puts you right back into a state of cool, clarity and courage and you can take care of whatever that's in front of you that needs to be taken care in an easeful manner.

bingo. i get it, not in the head but in the depths of bones and beyond the mind. why, of course, being cool, clear and courageous is who and what i am, is my nature, my essence.

waves of refreshing energy wash through me. one by one, the tasks of the day come forth.

i say, body, are you ready? the body responds, yes. And so does the mind.

let's go.

year end spiritual power scrub. 38 m + 9 m

i love a good party too but there's something magical about chanting, meditating, eating and laughing together with a bunch of dedicated yogis.

and it definitely kicks up another notch when there is high quality food like that which shivaa prepares.

i am a perfect moon reflecting the sun. 38 m + 19 m

for the record for future reference, it has taken 3 days after the travel to portland to return to my home meditation practice rhythm. it was like that for the previous trp as well.

this is precious knowledge. now i know there's no cause to worry when, during the first 3 days upon return, i can't get up as early as i'd like. there's nothing wrong with the body not budging. it's taking its time to do its thing. right, my intelligent body? and there's no need to panic when the mind, in the dark winter night, goes, o, i can meditate just as well lying down. it's just some residual habitual tendency. let it come as long as i let it go.

a new tradition is born. happy chanukkah.

come to the first night of chanukkah after a day of busy airport, full flight, stormy weather. i look at the low, dark sky. i can see the old habitual tendency that drags the body and mind to go down lurking in the periphery of consciousness.

lonely no more. 39 m + 37 m

what's the most awful feeling? for me, it's loneliness. the horrific impact it can have on my state of consciousness sends chills and shudders through me even just faintly remembering it used to control how i lived.

not anymore.