where structure and spontaneity rise and merge.

sleeping in 2 days in a row.

the mind is in some sort of suspension, in the middle of nowhere. i know why. the mind needs to get out of some old wiring and some new mental circuitry has to be put in place.

my editor says, your mind doesn't work in a cause and effect way, and it has to for the book to work. these heavenly creatures, monkey, pig, phoenix can't just keep popping out of nowhere. and what is quan yin's plan for her? these creatures' appearances must have a purpose in terms of quan yin's plan for suk wah in the book.

as i watch thoughts and reactions out of hurt pride and the tendency to defend ready to pounce i realize the cumulative power of my practices are lifting me out of the old way. i don't think i could have taken  the metaphor my editor lay out if i were not in a relatively quiet space within.

it's from einstein, my editor says as she draws a dog with its nose up against a wall. she keeps adding lines above and below the wall and the dog turns out to be on a step along a flight of stairs. the dog is trying hard to move forward, but the only way forward is up. einstein says, you can't solve a problem on its level, you must go up.

aaah. the mind has to go up. into the quiet space of the inner self, the source of all creativity, where structure and spontaneity rise and merge.

no wonder i feel drawn to sit down to sing aum and hum. seriously i am already seeing sparks popping up here and there. tiny but sparks nonetheless.

i am a little flea.

on our way home with a belly full of yummy latkes and the mind filled with the brilliance of a fully lit menorah, hwubby says, out of the blue, so i guess there will always be some mystery about life, right?

what is grace really? 38 m + 8 m

can't think of a better way to wake up. there's only the soothing sound of the moving breath.

all that i am aware of is, really, there's no bounds to my consciousness. it's quiet, it's vast, it's...alive.

i am alive.

the body is totally still. it feels just right to allow it to move at its own pace in its own time.

the truth of the matter is i don't want to be anywhere else other than being in the nurturing womb of the breath.

as i am preparing for my meditation posture a thought appears in the clear, quiet mind. i know immediately what this is. the solution to a situation that has been hanging around for a while.

38 m+ 27 m, within, all around, all names are one.

sparks of prayers from the home sabbath at robin's place reverberates sweet and clear in my consciousness while i am relishing the ocean sound of the flowing breath.

within. all around. fill the universe. all names are one.

in a quiet way i am having an experience of this truth. a metaphor that my teacher and grand-teacher use on more than one occasion comes to me.

walk into a gold store. look around. everything is made of gold. in all kinds of sizes, shapes. though different in forms, all the objects you see are made of the same stuff. while each is a unique creation all are essentially the same. a translucent gold leaf weighs little whereas a wedding dragon-and-phoenix bracelet weighs heavy around the bride's wrist, they are, really, simply gold. so appreciate the variety while not losing sight of the sameness in all.

aaahhh, this is the underlying connectedness of all creatures and things.  in a subtle way i sense the outgoing breath, that is holding my body steady, merging into the invisible life force upholding all that are around me. a sense of supreme safety and security fills me.

then a question arises with another long and fine exhalation. what is consciousness?

silence pursues. sweet stillness pervades my awareness.

another metaphor from my grand-teacher infuses me through an incoming breath.

it's like the canvas that holds the painting in place. except in this case, the canvas is also the painter.

i can feel this is too much for the mind to wrap around.

then i remember an anecdote about einstein. he was asked during a dinner, what is relative theory? he says, 2 fleas living on the back of an elephant want to describe this place called 'elephant.' they think hard and come up with these: grey as far as their eyes can see and beyond, hard, bumpy...and scary.

and then i am filled with one of my favorite sabbath practice: to locate myself on planet earth. it is about one millionth in size of the sun. it is one of the many planets in a galaxy. now the scientists say there are at least one hundred billion galaxies out there.

wow. my state of consciousness flip into one of amazement, awe and joyous wonder. how fortunate i am to be part of all this, all this and all this. my mind still cannot wrap around it all but i feel fantastic.

soon i feel a distinct lift and leap within. i recognize it for for it is. this is upliftment. my state of consciousness is now a little bit better in holding the infinite vastness and staying grounded at the same time. the old tendency of seized with anguish about life is getting a little weaker.

i feel lightened and totally ready to come out of meditation.