he doesn't understand me. true?

a while back, like nineteen years back, several months into my stay in the ashram, i had this encounter with a swami. this memory hasn't surfaced for this long until now when i am reflecting on the impact of a regular meditation practice on the arc of life, rather than being tunnel-vision, nitpicking the day-to-day meditation experiences. so, back to the encounter. this swami is not into small talk. really, really, not into it. we are walking on a path through the sprawling woods on the ashram grounds, in opposite directions. i don't't expect him to say anything to me at all. so i am surprised when he says, suk wah. my mind goes blank. his eye stays on me, and says, how are you doing? by knee jerk reaction i blurt out, fine. i am all but fine inside. i cannot sit still on the meditation mat for more than a minute. the mind is constantly churning out thoughts, feelings and reactions that are judgmental, anxious, angry, sad, blah blah blah. and they all feel important to me. they are so real. i am so frustrated that meditation can't make them go away. recently i see this horrific image of innumerable cargo containers chaotically piling on top of each other after the tsunami in japan. that's sort of how chaotic and out of control my mind is at that point. those unyielding mental tsunami totally gut out my connection to my inner self. i want to ask the swami an intelligent and smart and thoughtful question to show him what an evolved yogi i am. but, oy, i can't think of a word. i am babbling on and on here. in the moment it lasts exactly that. a moment. no wonder the scripture says thought travels faster than the speed of light. anyway the swami pauses for a moment, and says to me, keep meditating. then he walks away. i remember now clearly my reaction to his words. i think to myself, no, you don't understand what i am going through.

nineteen years later. i realize he does know what i go through. that day on the path in the woods i am in a muddled state. the mind is going through a tsunami. i get swept up in the towering waves of dark thoughts, feelings and reactions. in the teachings of the buddha i take what's impermanent permanent. now i know all thoughts, feelings and reactions come. and go. without exceptions. unless i hold on to them. unless i feed into them. this is where my regular meditation practice take me across these turbulent waters. i gently return attention to the steady, rhythmic movement in the natural and easy breath while i notice and observe these mental waves. i don't treat one more important than the other. the differences in contents don't matter. what matters is my attention go underneath the contents and stay with the power of the throb that is obviously driving these mental waves.

yes, the swami understands me. he knows i have what it takes to keep meditating. he knows in time i will come to see what i need to see if i keep meditating. thank you, swamiji.

pure pasta. pure practices.

these days the only pasta i eat is uncle vito's. let me explain why. first of all it's after doing spiritual practices together. we sing vedic hymns and om and meditate. by the way we are now singing om on a deeper level. we focus on the nasal resonance. the result speaks for itself. we glide into this meditation that, in shivaa's words, quick and still. half an hour go by in no time. i am deeply absorbed in the subtle throb. i am all full in this gentle and rich pulsation.

then, pasta. the pasta sauce is a recipe from vito's fellow italian, lydia mastianich. mushroom, garlic, parsley. how can it be not terrific, right? and then vito throws in his own touches. sage. a cheese that is not reggiano. i can't remember the name. but what it does is not drowning out the delicate mushroom flavor but enhancing it. you can't taste the sage but the whole thing is that much more interesting and richer. i scrape off every drop of it.

this is pure pasta. perfect complement to the pure practices.

ear of my heart

meditation is such a mystical process. how do i explain on the days when nothing much happens if i do not embrace this enveloping stillness that throb soundlessly. it is not a dead quiet. it is so alive. indeed it is this that i am irresistibly drawn to meditating day after day. it is this state that i strive to return to as i go about the worldly activity. and this is on days when nothing happens. what about today? wow. soon after i find myself immersed in the rich and full pulsation that ripple through my entire awareness i see these dancing lights. right away i relate to them. they remind me of the northern lights going wild over the pitch black sky above the swathe of penguins which are huddling together tightly. i watch molten streams of emeralds and jades shifting through patterns and formations in my own inner sky. after a while i hear this from the ear of my heart. take your time to come out. with that i embark on the journey of emerging from the depths of the field of my own true nature. it is kind of like coming up from the ocean deep. all in all i meditate one and a half hour today according to the clock and it doesn't feel long at all. i could have easily roamed some more in the pulsation of the moving breath if i were not also aware of the tasks ahead.

being with inner self is letting go of fear of unknown

the mind comes awake in a snap but the body is lying totally still. for a while in the night my entire existence is being aware of the deep and long breathing roaming the vast inner world that has no ends and edges. the experience is exquisite. the silence is throbbing with a sense of full and rich being. there's no place outside i'd rather be.

after a while i hear with the inner ear this message. staying in the present is how you plan the future. this is the answer to the tendency to worry. i am facing a whole host of issues that i can't see how they might turn out. meanwhile unexpected twists and turns are showing up left and right. i can see the tendency to know what is going to happen lurking. but really the best way to take care of them is to keep myself firmly anchored in the inner self. only then can i see with a clear sky mind what might be an entryway that eventually leads to an outcome that i am not even aware of its existence right now. it's only through moment-by-moment presence that i can be with the play of consciousness, that i am not shutting out the possibility of possibilities. 

ultimately, it's all about letting go of the fear of the unknown. and the only way i know how to do that is to strengthen and deepen my connection with the inner self through meditation.

humming to a new fabulous low. 45m + 18m

the extended humming sound is kind of like...a stent. yeah, like a stent opening up a clogged artery. only this hummm is even more fabulous. it opens up inner space. it really makes me have the experience that my inner space has no boundaries.

hey, why should it? there are one hundred billion galaxies in the universe outside of me. there are one hundred billion neurons within me. my inner universe is every bit as grand and splendid as whatever universe there was, is and ever will be.

cuddle, huddle and snuggle. a hold-cation

awake to a long, fine exhalation. for as long as it lasts, the ocean sound and subtle motion in the breath is all that is in my consciousness.

aware of the completeness, aliveness that is soundlessly throbbing.

the mind is quiet, resting steady and still in the open heart. 

turn to hwubby. we cuddle, huddle and snuggle. our favorite activity, a hold-cation. a mini one but a hold-cation nonetheless.

our breaths effortlessly synchronize into each other. comforting and restful.

can't think of a better way to spend a saturday morning. the truth is, i'm not thinking. i go back to sleep and mmm. i love my beauty rest:)

living power. aum. 38 m + 11 m

this aum looks and sound simple but, o me o my, i find something about it awesome and amazing, and then some, everyday.

for example. the resonance mmm flows into the body in all directions. that i already know from experience before i sit down for today's meditation.

as i relish in the massaging power of the resonance that is riding on the breathing movement it dawns on me that it enlivens wherever it touches.

this aum is a living power. it is mine. i am aum.

my body is saying a resounding yes, yes, yes in all corners as far as i can see and hear. the reverberation throbs and buzzes in every part of my body, my mind, my consciousness.

this reverberation is, in fact, consciousness as close to the origin of life as can be.

direct knowledge is within. this is no longer something i read about. it is now my experience.

the sense of safety and security is truly enlivening as well as empowering. 

38 m + 18 m. 2 truffle balls look into anxious thought.

i awake. no, to be exact, it's the mind that is awake. not the body. no, to be accurate, i can't locate where the body is. i know i should have one. yet my awareness is being held in this place where there is no contours set by the body, or anything.

i know i am not going mad because i turn to hwubby and say, the body is not waking up.

we hold each other. surely this is the best way to wake up: 2 creamy, soft, fragrant truffle balls warming up each other.

hwubby says, do you have anxious thoughts?

his question comes precisely when i watch an anxious thought passing through. right now i can't even recollect what it is about. but here's the deal. in the moment when that anxious thought is the only thing in my mind it really looks and feels like it matters.

yes, indeed. anxious thoughts are ocean foam. they look so real.

i digress. back to hwubby's question. i say, i do, i have one right now.

hwubby says, so what do you do about it?

i say, i breathe, and i take it as the sign that i need to get up to meditate.

hwubby chuckles. we hold each other some more. and get up.

in this morning's meditation, the body in the easy lotus posture comes across as a huge, vast structure with no horizon. a subtle throb pulses through the body in a steady rhythm. sweetness upon sweetness.