me and my inner self, we go places

there i am getting started to reconcile the bank statement. and...boom, i am tested. what do i mean by that? the opening balance is four grand off. the first thought that explodes in my mind says, that's impossible, it was fine when i reconciled last month. for a fleeting while i go blank. the next thing that i am aware of is the rhythmic movement of the breath. just like that i find myself watching the sky of the inner being. it is vast and open and bright and clear. sure there are dark clouds going by. they say, o no, suk wah, you screw up, you can never fix this, blah blah blah, so on and so forth, the usual stuff. but i am not buying into it. i see my entire being settling into a state of calm, confidence and focus. i clearly feel a power steadily surging up from within. supporting me. anchoring me. i feel fluid and flexible. i see the tendency to feel stuck appear. i ask myself, is this who and what i am? no. no. no. i know, from deep within, i am equal to the challenge. i swiftly deepen and lengthen the breath. after a little while i begin to regain a sense of stability. with that i hear one prompting after another from inside. take a pause from it. i follow it. i go into the kitchen, sit down and have some mango. nice, juicy, golden mango. it never ceases to amaze me how magical mango is. as i am absorbed in the nectarean nature of mango i hear the next inner prompting. reconcile the personal account and credit card statement first. i decide that's a smart move. why hold up the process because of a glitch?! i finish the last morsel of mango flesh. i feel so much better. i return to the computer and reconcile the personal account statement. it goes smoothly. no sooner than i hit the 'done' button i see this thought. check the opening and closing balance. i know exactly what it means. i'm doing july. take the june statement. compare the opening and closing balances with those on the quickbook register. if they don't match go back to may. i do that. may is off. i go back to april. still off. then it's march. bingo. the opening balances match. that's it. i pore through the march transactions. within seconds i see where it's off.

hwubby says, you're such a good investigative detective. i say, yeah, me and my inner self, we go places. my inner self says, yeah, there's a solution within every situation, you just have to stay in the present and listen.

judgmental. just mental.

how fortunate am i to have such sublime, super-fun fellow yogis? let me count the ways.

we come together regularly. i don't drive. so they make sure i get schlepped around. it always give my heart an extra lift to know i will always be welcomed and received by all these big, open and generous hearts with their warm, beaming smiles. we chant a surpreme vedic hymn, meditate. and then we eat all that superb food that shivaa lovingly and skillfully prepared. as we feed the stomachs we discuss, contemplate, share insights and what we have learned in the context of applying a particular teaching in our day-to-day life. full beyond measure. always lot of laughter.

last evening as i am relishing the rice fuselli that is well coated in a sesame pesto and tossed in a stirfry of mushroom, sugarsnaps and summer squashes i marvel at the palette of bright, bold colors and refreshing flavors and chew on the residual tendencies that i have been working on. unworthiness. fear of getting lost. i say them out loud. i receive no judgments, nor indulgences. they look at them with utter compassion and detachment. in that way i learn to disengage from them a little bit more. the habit of beating myself up for having such thoughts is largely uprooted. whatever remains i am aware of it but it no longer has the power to suck me out of the present moment.

the spiritual dissection is deep. at one point i feel the mind is saying, you are frying me. fortunately shivaa's salad gives a cooling relief. the golden, nectarean, juicy mango shining through the bright greens, sparkling with pomegrantes tones down the fire of resistance in the mind. roasted peanuts pack the right punch to keep the fidgeting mind still. the lemon tarragon dressing only enhances the calming effect further.

we love our spiritual discussion so much that we do some more of it after singing om and meditation. it is then i remember another biggie that's been tugging me for my entire life. i say, hey, here's one that i am still working on hard, judgmental. shivaa, ever witty and spot on, says, yeah, just mental. indeed. it's the thing of the mind to keep making up stuff. mental creations are, at best, like tchotzhkes. cute and taking me out of the present moment.

really, seriously, without a doubt, well fed on all levels.

empathy involves listening without judgment

yesterday hwubby says, what is a simple definition of empathy? i say, i don't know for sure but i think it involves listening without judgment, jumping to conclusion and 'fixing the problem.' hwubby says, o, that's very good. i say, so what's your definition. he says, well then, for now, i think it is 'accepting and/or listening to the other's experience without judgment, jumping to conclusion and 'fixing the problem.' do you think it's 'accepting', or 'listening', or both. i think a moment and say, listening is good, it's a simple and direct action, neutral. somehow accepting, in my simple mind, carries an implication of going along with it even though you don't agree with it, you don't like it.

this morning i'm already having an opportunity to be empathetic towards myself. i see thoughts, appearing every now and then, all to do with going back into the past, beating myself up and wishing things to be different. i watch them upping and downing in intensity while i recognize them as residual tendency. all they do is take me away from the present moment, out of my inner self and disconnect me from the capability to see the situation as it is right now and deal with it the way it is. really, my inner self stays full and undiminished however things turn out. that's the real bottom line.