connectedness. spiritual workout. twelve-step

of all the bad and negative emotions and feelings which is the most awful? for me it is loneliness. i am even feeling bursts of shame and embarrassment just becoming vaguely aware of the yucky things i did and said out of loneliness. anyway. last night as i sing om with fellow yogis in our regular gathering - i call it spiritual workout - very soon i hear my voice rising and ebbing with the group's sound. without any pre-arrangement we start a round at the same instant and enter the subtle resonance together. it's a great feeling. our inner selves merge into one conducting the flow of sound. the mind starts to look for a word to encapsulate it. it comes quickly. connectedness. then one insight flows out after another as i am carried aloft on this comforter of sacred sound. i am not alone. we come together as earnest seekers to help each other remember that. the outer connectedness shows me the way to connect with the inner self.

it helps too to have vito's pasta sauce made from home grown tomatoes and prepared in the real italian way.

then i recall a core operating principle of the twelve-step program. when people who truly want to make meaningful change come together we help each other to emerge from feeling isolated. little by little, over time, we reach out for support, guidance and, lo n behold, we see so much higher power already within us, always there, ready, willing and able to walk us step by step to become what we ought to be from where we are.

on the day before thanksgiving i feel so fortunate to have such abundant holy company. really, people who work hard on recovering their connection with higher power are great people to be with. and fun too. in their presence, each in his/her unique and wonderful way, i am reminded who and what i really am. above all, i no longer feel alone. and that is a priceless gift. thank you all.

i am an avraham wannabee but i am more of a jacob

i want to walk with god. i aspire to be avraham. but in terms of the journey i am actually more of a jacob. indeed. i have lied. i have cheated. i have tried to bargain with god for my personal gains. in fact it's more like i want god to give me what i want in the way and manner i want when i want. i wrestle with god. but look at avraham. the one time he negotiates with god it's about saving a city of people from the wrath of god. but when god tells him to leave the land where he is born and raised and have a life, and later, to sacrifice his son he obeys. no questions asked. whenever god calls him he simply says, here i am. at eighty years old he undergoes circumcision because god says so. all the time he keeps his life affairs in order with integrity, respect, kindness and generosity. can i walk with god like that? i would hope and think i can but the truth of the matter is i am more of a jacob. as a unique individual i am deeply flawed and screwed. at the same time i have strong yearnings and experiences with the divine power that resides within me. i forget god quite a bit but i also have moments of remembering who and what i am and where god is. let me pray that as i steadily put in spiritual efforts and meditate regularly i would up the numbers of remembrance and shorten the intervals between forgetfulness. i know what to do to take me closer to god but in moments of choosing i often succumb to negative tendencies.

and so it is i come to accept that i am an israelite. one who wrestles with god.

remember i am the self

here's another expression that i need to watch out for. i feel...  sad, angry, upset, overwhelmed, whatever. the thing about this is really subtle. it sucks me into being that feeling when in fact i am the self. so i am making a conscious effort to say something like, i see sadness coming up. hwubby says, yeah, it's like weather. yep, mental weather.

what about uplifting feelings? i notice a difference in how i say it. i am happy. i am grateful. i am contented. and i hold the understanding that they are not dependent on anything outside of me. they are part and parcel of the inner self. remember, i am the inner self. the self-efforts i put in are all about helping me to remember that. hwubby says, it's called self-effort because they are efforts towards connecting with the self.

why don't i remember dreams? 38 m + 7 m

i don't remember most of the dreams i have had. in fact for a long time, what i could remember, at best, was the quality of them. stuffed with worry, fear, anxiety, panic, smallness and their extended family.

so when rabbi lerner asks us, why don't we remember dreams, i really perk up my ears because i don't know and i want to know.