living like a steady, bright flame

on the way to women torah study marcia, ever curious and open-minded, asks about my treatments in india. she says, why did you and ben commit so much resources to do it? six and a half weeks. it is a lot. a metaphor comes to me. it's something that dr ramkumar uses to explain what health is in the context of a human life.

it goes like this. in every indian ritual there is always one or more brass lamp. here's how it works. one or more wicks are soaked in oil, usually clarified butter. when the brass lamp is clean, the wicks are clean and the oil is pure the flame is bright and stable. as long as you replenish the oil and wicks the flames will keep ablaze just like that until the oil runs out. a healthy human life is kind of like this. you feed the body and mind with clean and pure food and thoughts. then your life force will be held bright and stable and so is your life. it's full, bright, beautiful and shining, an joyous upliftment to all who behold it. sure the flame will run out. whatever is born, will die. but the person will stay well and strong and go out in deep peace without having to go through the dying pains. in judaism it is said that the blessed one depart during sabbath. our rabbi's own beloved teacher avraham joschua heschel was like that. this is a great being who truly lived his talks and beliefs, a shining light to the world. i recall his daughter recalling life with her father. he lived simply. he ate simply but what he put into his body was quality food. he conducted his life in a just and righteous way, always kind, compassionate, generous and ready to serve. one thing his daughter said that really impresses me deeply is this. his life in the world was not easy, to say the least. but his daughter didn't recall a single instance when he came home after work and was not a kind and caring father to her. he is truly a pure and strong flame.

according to vedas the most important way to live healthy is, and this even comes before food, to think, speak and act in a righteous way. to this day when i look at rabbi heschel's picture i have the experience of being illumined in the presence of a sublime light.

back to the lamp analogy. say, the wick is dirty, the oil is impure, the lamp has not been sparkled until it shines. go imagine the state of the flame, the state of the person.

so, may we all live like a strong and robust flame that we ought to be. may we only feed our own flames with only the clean and pure in food and thoughts and feelings and emotions.

good shabbos ride.

can i get things going in the way i would like? rarely. but here's the fantastic wonder i have come to see. if and when i can pass beyond unmet expectation, stay in the present while keeping eye gently on the goal, i experience marvels that i didn't see coming. this is a fresh addition to this priceless understanding.

friday morning i begin to call the usual suspects to arrange a ride to the rabbi's house for shabbat celebration. as the day goes on i'm more or less sucked into the goings on that pull me in ten thousand directions. by the time it strikes me that i haven't got any return calls from the shabbat ride buddies. it is already five pm. for a short while i have this thought. maybe this is the sign i should stay home tonight, it has been a long and rattling day. and then i hear something else. noah's story. go through directory. on the spot i feel an upsurge of enthusiasm. yes, i want to study noah's story.

i pick up the shul's directory, finger through the membership one by one. attention is one-pointedly focusing on who might be going and passing through my way. gotcha. ann. i call ann. she says, yeah, i'm coming but i'm not driving, louise is picking me up. i call louise. she says, i can pick you up but i don't know i will stay all the way. i say, once i am there i know i can find a ride home. i'm not kidding. there were times rabbi would ask me, while people are leaving, in a volume that is loud enough to fill the ears of anyone in the room, suk wah, do you have a ride home? and, believe you me, if i hadn't had a ride fixed by then someone would step up.

where am i? o yes. so louise shows up on time to pick me up. her husband marvin is driving. ann and i are in the back seat. louise says, suk wah, do you know how to get to the freeway? i say, no, let me call hwubby. well, he doesn't pick up the call. louise, ever so kind, says, it's all right, we'll go the other way. momentary pause ensues. she says, it's all right, i just don't get to do it the way i would like. i burst into a chuckle. i say, you're spot on, louise. that is the secret to living and it has been my experience this entire day. everybody laugh. my eyes swipe around the lovely dusk lights in the distant horizon above the berkeley silhouette. a bright understanding shines through me. i say, but i can say i have no doubt that things always turn out even better i plan, look, this person and that person did not return my calls and now i get to spend some quality time with you. by the way it is so true. louise and marvin have another home in hawaii. they and ann live in the city. i rarely go into the city. we really don't get to spend  time with each other except on high holidays, celebrations and torah study.

not only do i get to spend some delightful time talking and laughing with them i take the opportunity to ask their advice on some delicate matter i have to take care properly and i get it. o yes, this is another great one. i say, i need to run a situation by you guys. they all go in sync, oy vay. i describe the specifics. they take it seriously. they take it seriously. they ask clarifying questions. when all is said and done, i say, thank you, now the problem is no more. ann, who is always filled with bright vitality, says, with deniable authority, no, this is not a problem. louise agrees. i say, hey, you are supposed to guilt me. louise says, no, we are on a higher jewish path. am i fortunate or what to have such fabulous jewish pals.

as i bathe in gratitude i recall this old, wide known joke. if you want to make god laugh tell him/her your plan. the sparkling truth pouring from it fill my heart. good shabbos to all.

happy jewish new year. sweetness.

happy jewish new year. l'shana tova. may this year continue to bring abundant sweetness to everyone's hearts. may this sweetness flow out into the universe. may we have the courage, clarity to experience the sweetness manifested in the universe in infinite ways. may we have the eye to see the sweetness streaming our way and receive it with an open heart and mind.

my rabbi says, high holidays is the time for incredible transformation if you choose to put in the spiritual efforts. sweet efforts that will bear sweet fruit. question. what is something good in my life this past year? i close my eyes, aloft in the hauntingly beautiful traditional melody. what do i see? hwubby hit by a taxi. really. seriously. what a jolt. it kicks out all mental chatter and anchor me in the present moment. i realize how much i love him and he me. next to a thunderous lightning such as this all other noises pale. i share this with the person next to me. she says, yeah, you see what's really important.

as i type this i recall my guru's words.
the tests come in many forms.
sometimes they strike like lightning.


indeed. some mental tendencies are like bamboo roots. extremely difficult to completely root out on my own. sometimes it does take the sword of lightning grace to go at it. then the sweetness of my own true nature can break through and shine.

happiness generator. doggie.

i am not a dog person but i have to say this one really tugs my heart. look. i walk into the rabbi's house for torah study. what catches my eye before the rabbi's beaming, welcoming presence? a caramel-gold bundle wiggles on the floor, partly hidden behind the couch. turns out it's his new dog. a four month old golden labradoodle. i wish i could take a photo of him standing on hind legs, placing the front ones on the rabbi's thigh while the rabbi is singing the praises of yhvh. his eyes can be barely seen from underneath the soft gold fur. his wet tongue practically swinging and swaying in sync with the rhythm of the rabbi's singsong prayer. i can picture this sweetie having his own yamulke and tzizit. my rabbi is one of those rare beings who knows his life purpose and utterly comfortable in his own being. having said that i can see this little puppy brings a special flavor of joy to his heart. i say as much. he says, yes, he is a happiness generator.

and that brings to my mind another lovely happiness generator. true story. this person had to move. the circumstance was such that she couldn't take her dog. so she prayed, please let me find a place for her, the right place. nothing happened. nothing seemed to be working out.

the moving date was drawing near. she kept praying. one day while she was walking the dog a couple and their child appeared from around the corner. the child saw the dog and cried, doggie, doggie. the parents looked at the dog like they just ran into god. the long and short of it was their child was autistic and had not uttered a sound since birth. until this 'doggie' moment. need i say more about how the story ended? and that brings to mind some words from my guru. what's needed at all times is full faith and surrender. 

come close to. sacrifice.

'life is not like an abandoned fruit. yet it requires absolute sacrifice.'

wow. these two lines from the poem 'breakthrough' snaps the mind into a blank. what to make of it? how to approach the timeless and timely wisdom within the garland of words? the first question that comes to mind is this. what does 'sacrifice' mean? that sets in motion a train of contemplation. this word has really a lot of baggage. all have to do with giving up something near and dear to the heart desires. it has a flavor profile of suffering and misery. even death. then it occurs to me a simple idea. go back to the basic of basics. what does this word mean? where does this word come from?

so over shabbos meal i ask my rabbi, what does the hebrew word that got translated into 'sacrifice' mean? he says, kor'baan. typing it out doesn't do the word justice. it sounds so pure and beautiful. there's a metallic timbre to it. almost like a ringing bell. rabbi says, but it has nothing to do with all that is now commonly associated with the word 'sacrifice.' he pauses momentarily. i wait with an open heart and mind and mouth. he says, it means 'come close to.'

there i have it. that which gets me close to god, close to my own true nature. if it means letting go of things that the ego holds dear and the world deem indispensable, so be it.

me and the golden calf

i'm not an intellectual. i am not a political activist. i am not a thinker. i am a simple yogi. that's why i am irresistibly drawn to the chassidic way of receiving the torah. i look at the tale of the golden calf and i see myself in the israelites. not moses. i wish. true that moses can't control his anger and in that i can claim some resemblance. but moses has this unwavering faith in yhvh and strong detachment to wealth and all things material. think about it. first he abandons his life as the prince of egypt. then, upon hearing a call from a burning bush, he walk away from a stable and wealthy life complete with wife and kids. for what? to lead a stiffnecked people through a whole host of trials and tribulations, and then to be told in his face that he would never live to step foot on the promised land. still his faith remains intact and radiant. i wish i had moses' kind of faith.

anyhow, anyhoo, i'm more of the israelites. how so. i tend to forget just as they forget that it's yhvh who leads them, empowers them to walk out of the narrow land of slavery. i doubt easily just as the israelites. and this is why i love the torah so much. it's authentic. it gives me hope. rabbi lerner says, this is the second revelation. yhvh sees that he can take the slaves out of egypt but he can't take the narrow consciousness out of slaves. they can't hold the sublime truth. kind of like looking straight into the blazing sun. they slip right back into the grip of fear. and here comes compassion. really, without compassion i would have been obliterated all ago.

i want a sign and here it is.

i need a lawyer who is licensed in new york. a trusted source refers somebody to me. here's a teaching from my guru. trust and verify. i take it seriously. so i pray. please, i need a sign. and then i just keep my ears and eyes and mind open because the sign that i want may come in unexpected forms.

next day, sabbath morning, i study torah in my rabbi's house. in this particular week's torah portion yhvh lays down the first law for the israelites. observe sabbath. this is way before the tablets from mount sinai. several hours later i am home and notice there are messages on the cell. listen to this one from the new york lawyer. suk wah, i'm afraid i won't be able to return your call when you get this message, it's about fifteen minutes from sundown, and i observe sabbath. bingo. that's the sign i've been praying for. i call the guy and say, arnie, you are my lawyer and here's why.

i was so disconnected from my own inner self.

in the torah joseph says to his brothers, all this are god's plan, even when you sold me into slavery. so my rabbi asks this of us. looking back what do you see in your life that while it was happening it was horrible but now you see you transformed because of it.

this is what comes to me. at one point i wanted to end my life. it seemed like the only way to end all that anguish, despair. looking back i can see that was when i began to consciously ask myself, what is this life about? who am i? surely i am not this body. i got this shocking revelation when i was preparing my sister's body for funeral. so what exactly am i? why am i unhappy all the time? why am i here anyway? now i know these are the classic questions that impel me to look for answers. all that i knew during that time was this. no material possession can give me lasting happiness. no earthly relationship can show me the real meaning of this life. nothing in this physical life tastes good anymore. not any amount of money can extinguish the unbearable agony that was burning me up inside. aaaah. i was so disconnected from my own inner self. i was out of touch with the state of blissful consciousness which is pure, unchanging and independent. all that despair and agony serve the purpose to set me on the path to reconnect with who and what i really am.

almost spit chai on computer

in this morning's meditation a recurring word comes to me in a gentle and sweet way. judy. i don't need to scribble it down as i usually do with words that appear in meditation. i know exactly what it means. to email a dear, dear friend whose 94 yr old father transitioned a few days ago. before she leaves for the funeral i promise her to say kaddish for her father on sabbath morning with the rabbi and torah study people. it turns out to be a splendid, shining morning. the sun-filled, spacious room overflows with beautiful and bright people. the sound waves of the ancient hymn, that bonds innumerable generations that ever were, are and ever will be coming and going, flows through my entire being and all around me as they ripple out into everywhere in the universe touching my friend, her father and mother and all the wonderful relatives who have come. i am afloat in an expanse of sweet, quiet bliss.

so i come out of meditation thinking this is what i will write to my friend. i open the inbox and what do i see? an email from her. it ends with this, 'As I was listening to the earth hits the coffin, I could also hear my mother saying, "OK then, spicy food and coctails!"'

the surprise chuckle almost makes me spit chai on the computer. what a delightful person she is. and great too. she has been tirelessly serving her marriage for umpteen years. she is showing us how to live in the light and bliss of the present moment.

how else but to be in own great self

i ask rabbi, can you explain in a way that i can comprehend, what is it about noah that he walks with god? rabbi says, in hebrew one of the qualities about noah is he is imple. that stirs a recognition in me. then rabbi leads us into a visualization. what does it mean for me to walk with god? quickly it comes to me. to see god in me as me. to see god in others. from that place, for me, there's no where else to go, no other way to walk but with god. indeed, the complex challenges i am facing are growing fast. i don't know how else to stay calm and centered if i am not anchored in that simple place within. it is uncluttered. it is quiet. it is open. my own great self.

suk wah in the sukka

today i'll sit in a temporary, fragile hut in rabbi's backyard with fellow israelites. by the way rabbi says, you wrestle with g-d, of course you are an israelite. sunbeams will shine on me through the cracks all over the patched walls and thatched roof. the gorgeous fruits and vegetables that are hanging down as decorations take on an extra vibrant glow.

we will study the book of solomon. yes, the king solomon who allegedly had a thousand wives and all the worldly power and pleasures in his hands. yet he says, to the effect, it's all futile, none of these last, enjoy them but if you think they are permanent and try to wrap your life around them you'll be in so much trouble. well, the wise king doesn't use exactly those words but that's my sense of the gist of it. the truth is the truth is the truth.

anyway i notice, in past years, sometimes it's hard to focus on the text because i can't keep my physical eyes off the beautiful abundance all around me and when i can, the inner eye couldn't resist the allure of the sweetness of my own self within the way iron dust is helplessly drawn towards magnet.

walking with avraham

for me the great thing about the jewish high holidays is not just about the thrilling prayers, piercing torah commentaries and exhilarating singing and dancing. it is to have this block of blessed time and sacred space carved out for the purpose of examining where i have been 'off the mark' and direct the arrow of attention and awareness to returning to the bull's eye, the present moment, where yhvh dwells and the source of courage, strength and sweetness are. more often than not during the year i forget the inner self and stray from the path. i confuse between the process of thinking and the contents of thoughts. i am not the contents of the mental activity.

in the meditation the rabbi do with us on second day of rosh hashanah i see myself in the meadow surrounding the lake of holy waters in the ashram where i had the great good fortune to live for a few years. then i find myself in the presence of avraham. yes, if there's some figure in the torah i want to be it's avraham. why? he walks with g-d. i want to walk with g-d. i don't know how. so the next best thing is to walk with someone who walks with g-d. anyway, in the meditation, we walk in simple quiet. there's no sense of time. just  crystal clear openness.

'off the mark' is away from the present moment

the way i see the purpose of the high holidays, as the rabbi teaches, is to examine those parts of me that were 'off the mark' last year. i love the beautiful and fantastic singing and praying and dancing that is a big part of the high holiday tradition. they really cheerlead me. it's like the sweet syrup in medicine. it's not pleasant to look at what i did, what i said and what i thought that were not true, kind, necessary and appropriate. but the singing and dancing make it easier to go through the discomforts, help me to stay connected to my inner self which is the source of kindness, courage, strength and joy. then it's not a matter of who's right, who's wrong, who's hurt me, i don't like this or that, i don't think i can make it, this is too much, or too little. blah blah blah.

in this morning's meditation i can see some thought waves of worry, anxiety about the coming day and weeks. i can see the tendency to feel daunted looming and hovering. with every inbreath i take in a fresh dose of sweetness and goodness from the universe. i rest in the open quiet during the brief pause between breaths. with every outbreath i sweep out a little more of the entrenched tendency to feel daunted and contracted. i watch the mind going through some activity. just that. what about the contents of the mental activity? they have nothing to do with what is in the present moment.

ahhh. the present moment is the bull's eye. 'off the mark' means the shooting arrow of mental activity sends me off the track of present moment.

slave consciousness and habitual tendency

as the israelites wander through the wilderness again and again they say, to the effect, moshe, why did you take us out of egypt? being slaves is better than this.

in this simple mind this is a classic example of habitual tendency working. rabbi lerner says, you can take a slave out of egypt, aka narrow consciousness, you can't take egypt, aka narrow consciousness, out of a slave. so true. the slave circuitry is still very much ingrained in their consciousness. the new circuitry of being free people is fragile. what about moshe? he was raised as a prince. his mind is not gripped by slave consciousness. he is one-pointedly focused on following through yhvh's command. his faith is unshakable and unwavering. it's a good thing. but the bad news is he doesn't understand the workings of habitual tendency. he honestly believes that once the israelites are no longer slaves in the outer circumstances that's the end of it. oy-vay.

as far as i am concerned, the only way i know how to weaken the grip of habitual tendency on my thoughts, feelings and action in an enduring manner is to cultivate and strengthen the connection to the inner self. with each meditation i chip away at the habitual tendency another little bit. the tendency will come back but i will be in the driver seat.

what is jealousy?

during torah study rabbi lerner asks, what do you think jealousy is? this is while we are examining a torah portion about making a woman drink 'cursed' muddy water if her husband has a fit of jealousy. it doesn't matter if she has really committed adultery. i can see why women over the ages are outraged over this. but then, coming from a culture and tradition where women suspected of adultery were bound up, locked in a cage and thrown alive into water i can see why i sort of feel like, well, at least she is not drowned alive. it doesn't make the practice less humiliating, shaming and traumatic though.

i digress.

what is jealousy? i'm really grateful that my rabbi is always looking for a way to make the ancient torah relevant to me right here right now. i think jealousy has to do with feeling not enough, not good enough, not having enough. it has to do with the fear of losing control. o yes, i know these feeling so, so well. for so long i was so caught up into them, totally bought into them. not anymore. through the power of meditation i realize that the sense of enough-ness that i crave can only be found within me. i cannot find it in anyone else and in anything else. i may have the illusion that so-and-so makes me feel so great about myself. i may think if only i had this or that i would be so happy. but what really happens is when i get what i want the mind goes quiet. the light of my self shines forth. it is that light that gives me the experience of being enough, having enough. but, aiya, the experience only lasts as long as i am connected to the self and the mind thinks that to sustain the connection i have to go for more stuff, more control. meditation is the only way i know how to strengthen and purify the connection in a real, lasting way.

i know this place. i've been there. sabbath

it's truly my great good fortune that my rabbi would open his house for sabbath service, not to mention torah studies. studying in the teacher's house is an ancient tradition in china. i love it.

on the threshold of entering sabbath rabbi lerner asks each of us, what do you want to let go as go you into sabbath? i say, i can't think of any for myself but i would like hwubby to let go of the suffering and pain as a result of having two teeth pulled unexpectedly.

a fun and thoughtful congregant says, i already let go of what i need to let go and my intention going into sabbath is to be the person that i am now, not the person i was in the past, not the person i wish to be in the future.

i say, rabbi, can i have an intention going into sabbath too? he says, yes. i say, may i always remember two things, remember god and remember my own death.

we have a ball with the service. as i sing at the top of my lungs all those wonderful and marvelous songs i am in awe of the spectacular sunset unfolding through the wall-to-wall window. god is not far away. god is so close. in fact when i look at the images of deep outer space from the hubbel telescope i say to myself, i know this place, i've been there. indeed. everyday when i close my eyes i go a little deeper and a little higher into the inner world, the mystical world, that has no outer edges and has infinite wonders and marvels.

anyhow, i must have been a hebrew, maybe even a cantor, dare i say, in some lifetime. my top fave tune is the finale that have the lyrics, all names, all names, all names are one. ushemo echad.

bringing me close to yhvh

this week's tosha portion is the beginning of the book leviticus.

here's my experience of the compassionate wisdom of the rabbis. we return to the torah portion year after year. depending on where i am at i look at the portion differently. also each year i get a little more familiar with it. i become a little closer to it. so far, for a few years, i've been dreading the books after exodus. it's like, the high drama is over. now we have to wander in the desert and get pounded with rule after rule, dredging through one practical detail after another.

building the sanctuary and altar within. 38m + 28m

this week's parasha is terumah, essentially, on the surface, the construction manual of the tabernacle.

rabbi asks, who wants to read? up goes my hand. why? i've been really struggling with this portion in the last few years. the mind would be completely adrift. this year i determine to try a little harder to see if i can crack the nut a little bit. well, at least, stay awake.

soon into reading the meticulous, elaborate instructions, something happens within. the splendor and beauty of the materials burn out the fog of agitation. the measurements, placements, step-by-step instructions gather my focus towards the center of my consciousness. i watch my finger move across the line on the page in sync with the sound flowing out of the body.

aaah, in this simple mind, i realize i am having an experience approximating what the kabbalists say, that the body is the sanctuary where the force of healing and transformation dwell.

as i sit comfortably with quiet delight in the lovely sound and movement of the breath it comes to me that a quiet mind is as marvelous an altar as can be.

quite a bit of pure gold are being used in constructing the tabernacle. well, it's also quite a process to extract the dross from the ore in order to get pure gold. i see no difference in extracting the mental dross to make the mind a sparkling mirror reflecting courage, strength, kindness, and a golden altar of pure and free joy.

ecstatic, mundane, ecstatic. 45m + 29m

it's just me and my breath holed up in a comfortable easy lotus posture. yet there's nothing else i'd rather have, and do. there's nowhere else i'd rather be than roaming in the inner realm which is none other than my own inner self. all this vastness, all this brightness, all this happy, sweet quiet are mine.

every now and then i see the to-do list looming in the mental horizon. i watch my awareness tempted by tendency to scroll down the list. hmmm, i should move this one up to top priority, what if i can't figure out how to handle that one, what if so-and-so say no to my request, so-and-so doesn't respond to my emails so should i call or email. you get the drift of where and how my mind is conditioned to go.

i am the president of my inner country. 45 m + 30 m

my meditation experience on the president's day is...what else but presidential. i actually believe i have a glimpse of what it's like to be an emperess looking out at her queendom. i feel grand and simple all at once. it's a great state to be in.

my fave sabbath after meal song goes like this. the entire world is a narrow bridge but the whole thing is not to fear. my beloved rabbi gives a tweak to it. he sings, the whole thing is not make yourself scared.

so true. it's not that there's not fear anywhere in my inner world but i have the freedom to be not fearful. to be fearful or not to be is something i can control. and as the president of my inner country i hold onto my executive power with dear life. in fact, i resolve to expand it.

happy president's day to me.