i was so disconnected from my own inner self.

in the torah joseph says to his brothers, all this are god's plan, even when you sold me into slavery. so my rabbi asks this of us. looking back what do you see in your life that while it was happening it was horrible but now you see you transformed because of it.

this is what comes to me. at one point i wanted to end my life. it seemed like the only way to end all that anguish, despair. looking back i can see that was when i began to consciously ask myself, what is this life about? who am i? surely i am not this body. i got this shocking revelation when i was preparing my sister's body for funeral. so what exactly am i? why am i unhappy all the time? why am i here anyway? now i know these are the classic questions that impel me to look for answers. all that i knew during that time was this. no material possession can give me lasting happiness. no earthly relationship can show me the real meaning of this life. nothing in this physical life tastes good anymore. not any amount of money can extinguish the unbearable agony that was burning me up inside. aaaah. i was so disconnected from my own inner self. i was out of touch with the state of blissful consciousness which is pure, unchanging and independent. all that despair and agony serve the purpose to set me on the path to reconnect with who and what i really am.