'off the mark' is away from the present moment

the way i see the purpose of the high holidays, as the rabbi teaches, is to examine those parts of me that were 'off the mark' last year. i love the beautiful and fantastic singing and praying and dancing that is a big part of the high holiday tradition. they really cheerlead me. it's like the sweet syrup in medicine. it's not pleasant to look at what i did, what i said and what i thought that were not true, kind, necessary and appropriate. but the singing and dancing make it easier to go through the discomforts, help me to stay connected to my inner self which is the source of kindness, courage, strength and joy. then it's not a matter of who's right, who's wrong, who's hurt me, i don't like this or that, i don't think i can make it, this is too much, or too little. blah blah blah.

in this morning's meditation i can see some thought waves of worry, anxiety about the coming day and weeks. i can see the tendency to feel daunted looming and hovering. with every inbreath i take in a fresh dose of sweetness and goodness from the universe. i rest in the open quiet during the brief pause between breaths. with every outbreath i sweep out a little more of the entrenched tendency to feel daunted and contracted. i watch the mind going through some activity. just that. what about the contents of the mental activity? they have nothing to do with what is in the present moment.

ahhh. the present moment is the bull's eye. 'off the mark' means the shooting arrow of mental activity sends me off the track of present moment.

cleaning out the inner world

the first day of jewish new year is also the occasion for celebrating the birth of the universe. in this simple mind, this is celebrating the birth of the physical universe as much as hailing the fresh beginning of my inner universe.

the culmination of a full day of praying and singing praises to yhvh, which, by the way, is so much fun, we are at the waters in a park, throwing pieces of challah into the running stream. what's going on here? we are tossing away whatever we want to remove from our inner world, all that which veil and block our highest vision of ourselves which is none other than the pure and powerful force of healing and transformation expressing as us in each of our unique and marvelous forms.

i know exactly what i want to throw out. impatience. unworthiness. more impatience. more unworthiness. hey, what about i just want to get up every morning to meditate no matter what? all those nagging thoughts and feelings that hold me back from getting out of bed. throw them all out. may it be so.

i have independent happiness

there's another habitual tendency, and, oh, by the way, hwubby's teacher said 'habitual' with her french accent, and it really makes it sound more appealing that it really is. but i digress. this is the tendency of 'taking it personal.' hwubby says, yeah, you think you are the center of the universe and the world revolves around you. well, i am the center of my universe. but i tend to forget that everybody else has their own universe and i am not the center in them. so i may not like what they do, i may not like how things turn out but they really have nothing to do with me, they don't take away nor add to my self worth.

case in point. i arrange the morning's schedule so that i can help a friend. just when i am about to step out the door she calls and cancels it because there is another person that she really wants to see and so-and-so is only available at last minute for a specific time frame. i say, fine, it's fine. later i ask myself, do i really feel fine or simply being nice? i think the on-the-spot response has a whiff of 'being nice.' but as i look deeper i really don't see any resentment, not even a trace. i'm not kidding. i expect to see at least a little bit of it.

a couple of days later. in meditation i see what happened. my only agenda is to offer help in a way that works for me. i don't carry any expectation how it would turn out, what's in it for me and so on. the intention comes from my own inner self which is always full and perfect and free and pure. as a matter of fact i actually feel happy that my friend gets to see somebody that would make her happy. wait a sec. nope. i feel happy because that is the nature of my inner self. i have independent happiness. i don't have to count on something else, somebody else in order to be happy. hoooh. what a relief.

grandeur of the universe within. 45m + 15m

it feels really nice to watch the aum sound roll out in high notes, low notes and between. the extended resonance hum and buzz and roam in the boundless universe within when all of a sudden i see this spectacular and wild light show burst into my awareness. i watch in awe the grandeur of the inner universe. i'm kind of like this penguin standing totally still in the deep of the polar winter with swathes, swipes and swirls of gorgeous lights of heavenly hues dance around it against the pitch black cosmos.

i watch the feeling of awesome contentment permeate my entire being which is spacious, open and throbbing with vibrancy. the mind, in silence, reflects all this in a beautifully pure manner.

without a doubt i hold within this body the source of all insights, courage, strength and so much more. it's a fantastic cosmos. and i own it. free and clear. how to keep it? free and simple. i meditate.