walking with avraham

for me the great thing about the jewish high holidays is not just about the thrilling prayers, piercing torah commentaries and exhilarating singing and dancing. it is to have this block of blessed time and sacred space carved out for the purpose of examining where i have been 'off the mark' and direct the arrow of attention and awareness to returning to the bull's eye, the present moment, where yhvh dwells and the source of courage, strength and sweetness are. more often than not during the year i forget the inner self and stray from the path. i confuse between the process of thinking and the contents of thoughts. i am not the contents of the mental activity.

in the meditation the rabbi do with us on second day of rosh hashanah i see myself in the meadow surrounding the lake of holy waters in the ashram where i had the great good fortune to live for a few years. then i find myself in the presence of avraham. yes, if there's some figure in the torah i want to be it's avraham. why? he walks with g-d. i want to walk with g-d. i don't know how. so the next best thing is to walk with someone who walks with g-d. anyway, in the meditation, we walk in simple quiet. there's no sense of time. just  crystal clear openness.

'off the mark' is away from the present moment

the way i see the purpose of the high holidays, as the rabbi teaches, is to examine those parts of me that were 'off the mark' last year. i love the beautiful and fantastic singing and praying and dancing that is a big part of the high holiday tradition. they really cheerlead me. it's like the sweet syrup in medicine. it's not pleasant to look at what i did, what i said and what i thought that were not true, kind, necessary and appropriate. but the singing and dancing make it easier to go through the discomforts, help me to stay connected to my inner self which is the source of kindness, courage, strength and joy. then it's not a matter of who's right, who's wrong, who's hurt me, i don't like this or that, i don't think i can make it, this is too much, or too little. blah blah blah.

in this morning's meditation i can see some thought waves of worry, anxiety about the coming day and weeks. i can see the tendency to feel daunted looming and hovering. with every inbreath i take in a fresh dose of sweetness and goodness from the universe. i rest in the open quiet during the brief pause between breaths. with every outbreath i sweep out a little more of the entrenched tendency to feel daunted and contracted. i watch the mind going through some activity. just that. what about the contents of the mental activity? they have nothing to do with what is in the present moment.

ahhh. the present moment is the bull's eye. 'off the mark' means the shooting arrow of mental activity sends me off the track of present moment.