taking in each moment as it comes

just days away from boarding a plane to hong kong. this is something we have meant and planned to do twice in twelve months. and twice we canceled. first it was hwubby not healing properly after extensive gum surgeries. then it was him hit by a taxi. call me superstitious, whatever. this time around i said i am not going to make any formal announcement, and by that i mean telling my eighty-one-year-young mother, until a week before departure. so there i am narrowing down the choices for travel insurance - we didn't have any the first time and we lost a bundle - when hwubby walks through the door and says, they have to extract a tooth on friday. can anyone blame me for feeling a punch and squeeze in the chest. i can see ten thousand thoughts going in ten thousand and one directions. fortunately i spot a lifeline in the mumbo jumbo of mental jungle. a golden ray that clearly says, stay in the present. so i take a deep breath in, long breath out. i have to do it a few rounds. the sense of being overwhelmed keeps shooting out tentacles like a giant octopus and going straight towards my neck. a couple of times it nearly gets me. before it can have my neck in its grip i keep saying to myself quietly, stay in the present, stay in the present. it's hard work, i'm telling ya. by the time i go to bed i feel like i come out of a hard-won struggle. i am not blinded by tendencies borne out of poverty consciousness. i am simply, as hwubby says, you are really working hard to take in each moment as it comes, good for you. hey, i'll take that.

wow. i'm not kidding. as i am typing this, hwubby calls and says, i can have the tooth pulled this afternoon instead of friday. such a move on the part of grace. i feel like this is my reward for staying in the moment.

heart is where yerushalayim is. return.

this is the third time in twelve months i'm working at going to hong kong to visit my mother. at least i can commend myself for having perseverance. yeah, suk wah doesn't give up. first it was hwubby grounded by his periodontist because he was not healing properly from extensive gum surgeries. then came january. one week before departure. he was hit by a taxi. now just as we are about to firm up on the tickets he notices some weird thing going on in his teeth and, so far, it is apparently in a nook-and-cranny that is out of x ray reach. oy. meanwhile his long-time, trusted dentist had a terrible accident and is having a hard time recovering. with all these goings on i can sense wild yo-yo swings in the mind.

so there i am in the second day of rosh hashana, the mind wandering off during the services, adrift in foam of frustration fermented in anguish over uncertainty, when suddenly a sound pierces the swirling mental fog like the shofar. 'return.' the guest teacher says, one of the key aspects in the spiritual efforts that are prescribed for this sacred ten days is to return. return to what? where? to that which is not yet articulated. to a more amniotic state. to something that is formless. just like that the timeless wisdom suffused in these words return my attention to where it ought to be. the depths within. my own heart. my own true nature. where yerushalayim, the land of peace, is. only from there i can see clearly what need to be done and what not to do through the constant shifts outside. really, if it's not one thing it's another. if it's not this twist it's that turn. there's always something. that's the nature of life. so if i pin my state upon foam you bet i am like the yoyo at the end of a swinging string. i must apply sweet effort to return attention to my heart, that place of peace within me. the lasting land of peace that is truly free of the anguish of existence.

triumphant return of chapati

after four weeks of liquid diet and another month of roasted sooji (wheat germ), all because of difficult healing after extensive gum surgery, hwubby says, can i have chapati? i say, you bet, how about with spiced milk? he says, sure. fresh chapati, which i like to refer to as indian matza, sprinkled with ajwain and cumin seeds and topped with home-made ghee, is truly a taste in heaven. a nurturing, invigorating aroma fills the entire being as well as the kitchen. hwubby says, what hwubby is so fortunate to have fresh chapati every morning but me? he's right. and what about the spiced milk? besides adding spices for various purposes it involves a cup of milk and four cups of water boiling down to one cup. turmeric and saffron turn it into gentle molten gold. hwubby always saves me a little of each and then laid them out on beautiful china for me. absolutely food fit for an empress.

i'm not self-congratulatory but i have to say, such bread and milk truly look deceptively simple, it takes subtle skills and sustained attention, it is yoga.

full moon outside reflects the inner full moon

hwubby says, it's such a nice and exquisite feeling to be in the present, even though it's kind of short. so true. with so many things grabbing our attention it's easy to be sucked out of the present moment and get swept up into the turmoil of day-to-day life. now that we've fixed up accommodations in hong kong we have to find a place in singapore. there's cooking involved so it's not so straightforward. but then the extreme scenario is to book a hotel room. so it's really a matter of choices and decisions. i can go on and on. the truth of the matter is, if it's not one thing it's another: hwubby's having dental implant procedure on two teeth tomorrow; looking into options to keep the house; finding ways to make bulk book sales a reality; working on the next chapter; the list goes on and on. having said all this and as i write this, something outside the window catches my eye. the full moon about to go behind under the rolling hills. the lovely hotel courtyard is even lovelier basking in dawn lights. i take in all this outside of me while i take rest in the vast, open, quiet and clear inner being. the inner full moon shines sweetly. i feel calm and confident. i hear what lord krishna say to arjuna, do thy bidding. yes. take care of what needs to be taken care in the present moment in a meticulous manner. the inner self guides me through worldly affairs the way the full moon guides a night traveler through the wilderness.

i know this place. i've been there. sabbath

it's truly my great good fortune that my rabbi would open his house for sabbath service, not to mention torah studies. studying in the teacher's house is an ancient tradition in china. i love it.

on the threshold of entering sabbath rabbi lerner asks each of us, what do you want to let go as go you into sabbath? i say, i can't think of any for myself but i would like hwubby to let go of the suffering and pain as a result of having two teeth pulled unexpectedly.

a fun and thoughtful congregant says, i already let go of what i need to let go and my intention going into sabbath is to be the person that i am now, not the person i was in the past, not the person i wish to be in the future.

i say, rabbi, can i have an intention going into sabbath too? he says, yes. i say, may i always remember two things, remember god and remember my own death.

we have a ball with the service. as i sing at the top of my lungs all those wonderful and marvelous songs i am in awe of the spectacular sunset unfolding through the wall-to-wall window. god is not far away. god is so close. in fact when i look at the images of deep outer space from the hubbel telescope i say to myself, i know this place, i've been there. indeed. everyday when i close my eyes i go a little deeper and a little higher into the inner world, the mystical world, that has no outer edges and has infinite wonders and marvels.

anyhow, i must have been a hebrew, maybe even a cantor, dare i say, in some lifetime. my top fave tune is the finale that have the lyrics, all names, all names, all names are one. ushemo echad.