my inner self is like a crystal vase

my teacher says something to this effect, no matter how much one describes love, one can't fully convey the experience of love. this is how i feel about describing my meditation experience. for a start i can't even say by what means i arrive at this exquisitely quiet place. is it diving? plunging? rising? gliding? how do i explain a place that is dark and bright all at once? on one hand i am aware of the body with all its contours and limits. on another hand i am definitely in a place that has no horizons as far as i can see. the place is wide open. yet it feels full as well as spacious. the silence is sublime. a steady throb subtly reverberates. it's the vibration of strength, the resonance of courage, the wavelength of pure joy, the frequency of supreme fulfillment. and then they blend into a harmonic sound of gratitude. yes. i come out of formal sitting meditation and this thankfulness keeps on bubbling within. how fortunate i am to be able to be with this treasure within. i walk into the kitchen and a surprise wonder. morning lights are choreographing a magnificent dance off the grand crystal vase on the table by the window. my inner self is sort of like a super grand crystal vase emanating these beautiful lights that shine through me.

inner self is the crown jewel

carefully i place the gift from ellie, a sweet and dear spiritual sister, in front of the books of writings by my beloved meditation teacher. a dazzling thing it is. the surfaces of the petite box are covered by cut color glasses each of which is set like a jewel and framed by a thin band of golden filigree. the whole arrangement is supported by a sturdy golden frame. i can't get my eyes off the panoply of lights reflected and refracted from them. amber. ruby. lavender. yellow.

when i first saw it i felt this sense of recognition. i said to myself, i've seen this before. this morning in meditation it comes to me that i have all these splendid lights within myself. i know these lights of mine. they are part and parcel of the infinite magnificence emanating from the crown jewel, the inner self. it is brilliantly beautiful and it is sturdy and strong.

ice cream and meditation

let this simple mind connect the dots between ice cream and meditation.

having ice cream is a pleasure. i wouldn't go so far as to say it's a guarantee but it would not be way off to say it's enjoyable for most people. what happens when i see, say, haagen daz vanilla cream? the mind says, i want it. what happens when i put a nice spoonful into the mouth? hmmm. soft. sweet. smooth. cool. a desire is fulfilled. the mind quiets down. and the light of the inner self shines through the silence. in that brief while, i experience pure bliss. not for long. another thought appears in the mind. i want more. here's the thing. more of what? for so long in my life i reach outward for more ice cream. now i know better. the bliss is from within. not from ice cream.

i really shouldn't take credit for this. i first heard this nineteen years ago. but i don't get it until i have a meditation practice in place. hey, never too late.

really, the desire for ice cream is a veiled expression of the longing to reach for the inner self.

the inner self gets a little bigger

i went to bed last night thinking i would not meditate this morning since i'll be in a meditation retreat today so i'll be meditating all day long. but i was wide awake 2.50am. what to do?!:) what a treat.

a really nice thing happened. i've been propping up my crossed legs with extra pillows. at some point while i was paying attention to the column of light running from the crown of head to the base of spine and enjoying the lovely humming sound in the breath i just knew i could remove some of those pillows. i did. the foundation of the posture opened up. i experienced an expansion within. the inner self which has no limits has just become a little bit bigger.

it's gonna be a great day of meditation.

new era

wide awake at 2.40. all i can think of is to get up and meditate. i end up sitting more than two hours. feels like stepping into a new era.

as i enjoy the breath ever deepening and lengthening i sense this inner clarity becoming more refined and subtler. i can see things i didn't see before. case in point. there were beautiful lights in a meditation experience recently. that much i am certain. but there is something about the experience that i can't quite grasp. until now. i recognize i am watching the lights kind of like looking up from the depth of ocean where shafts and swathes of refracted lights wave through the gently moving waters.

it's all so very alive. peaceful and dynamic all at once. it's telling me something. i feel a closeness to them like they are my immediate family. no, it's like they are parts of me. i can trust them. they have no other purpose but to help me to transform, to become what i can be from what i am.

it dawns on me the ocean is none other than my consciousness. the lights are rays of my inner self. they are lovely. they are glamorous. they are what i want. they are what i have. they are what i am.

my meditation teacher says, we meditate not to attain god from outside. we meditate to become aware of god within. this is my humble experience.

beautiful light show within

soon after i settle into the ocean sound of the breath i see swirls and swipes of beautiful lights. i am aware that my jaws drop out of amazement. i sit back and enjoy the show. at one point i notice there is this lovely yellow, almost saffron, pool of brilliance sprightly dancing in my field of view. hmmm, i've seen that yellow before. where? o, yes, it's shivaa's yogurt soup. she blended in organic carrot creating this lovely sunrise in the soup.

i sit for about one and half hours. alert all the way. there is this tranquil buoyancy and refreshing warmth throbbing everywhere, particularly in the hands and arms. i feel happy and auspicious. hello, inner self. thank you, inner self.