nectar figs from kitchen water

check this out. my figs. no, not photoshopped. the real thing. big as my palm. HUGE.

welcome to fig harvest in my backyard.

here's the story. hwubby knows fig is my top fave fruit. fresh, not dried.

by the way i never even saw a fresh fig before i came to california. chinese make deliiish soup with dried figs. i am still awestruck when i touch a fresh, succulent fig.

so hwubby planted a mini fig tree. why mini? he said, so it's easy for you to pick. he is sweet, eh!

it took several years for the tree to take root and grow before beginning to bear fruit. it's so worth the wait. the tree is tiny but not the fruits.

being aware that california is in drought i have been watering it with....tah dah.... grey water. the tree is not directly outside kichen. i have to go thru mud room, out the back door, and down back porch stairs. so i collect grey water in a small plastic.

to be honest, it's not much. a few tub-ful-s a day at best, but, look at the amazing outcome.

heavenly nectar they are. two of them are equivalent to a basket of them from the store.

as i munch on them i am filled with amazement. such miracle. abundance. there're so much going on in all this. i don't understand any of it.

this much i know though. nature is surely, truly, super intelligent.

one, two, three, four, five, six,..huge, great good yummy fortunes beckon me so long as i keep putting forth my small, sweet effort. it's fine that i don't know the mechanism of how figs extract essence from grey water. i still get to enjoy the nectar in its fullness.

pujas and congee

photos by nat

i love pujas. i love prayers. i am a big believer of pujas and prayers. Still it is remarkable to see a hospital so fully immersed in prayers and pujas. let me be absolutely clear. this is not a spa. i’ve had treatments like abhyanga and shirodhara in a variety of places. but this is full-on, comprehensive, immersion ayurveda. from the moment i wake up to the moment i lie down in bed it is a schedule designed for my condition by the doctor. every treatment is strictly according to the ancient ayurveda text. every element of the daily schedule is purposed to support and facilitate the healing process, also according to the ancient ayurveda texts. for instance, you don’t expose yourself under the sun while going thru major treatments. oops. there goes the idea of ‘panchakarma in the morning, beach in the afternoon.’ food is not for the tongue because the digestive system has to work as little as possible. yes, that’s right, they don’t cook for the tongue and they are proud to congee-fy your meals. in fact there are days when the only thing a patient would have is...warm rice water.  anyway, the pujas and prayers are done in accordance with time-tested spiritual practices. when all these are integrated so seamlessly into this beautiful and tranquil complex that is located in the midst of a forest environment it is magic.

photo by nat

so much about panchakarma for now. back to pujas and prayers here. every one of them, big or small, long or short, involve ancient mantras and rituals for the purpose of invoking grace for healing, cleansing and purifying, from the individual level to every particle in the atmosphere, plants and buildings. all this happen on a subtle level, beyond the senses. all about vibration. it transforms the place into a magnifying glass, a high-power microscope. if you would pay attention to look through this healing microscope, you would be stunned at what is revealed, stuff inside you that you don’t even know they exist. so the doctor says, ‘welcome whatever comes up in your healing process, even the negative and unpleasant. it means your system is responding. you can’t control what the response is and how it is unfolding. for instance. second day into internal oleation, meaning drinking oil, i have this ear ache in the evening. it just comes, out of the blue. turns out this is among a wide range of responses possible during internal oleation. i let doctor know. he gives me some ear drops, says, you’ll be fine. sure enough the ache immediately lessens and totally gone in an hour.

photo by nat

in one evening satsang a lady from switzerland asks, can anyone tell me what to do when i am having all this emotional ups and downs? she illustrates with her hand moving like a roller coaster ride. i immediately say, you are very brave. she is. she is in india for the first time. she has never had any ayurveda experience. somehow she had decided to be here to do the whole thing. and to ask the question the way she does shows that she is not consumed in the emotional movement. she is watching, witnessing. as i type this, she has arrived at the final stage of the panchakarma process, ready for rebuilding the body. she looks radiant and clear. she beams. she says, 'the body is kind of weak. i'm not concerned. the strength will come. my spirit is really great. i feel i am so ready to follow my heart.'

photo by nat

have i mentioned that after six weeks of congee for breakfast, congee for lunch, congee for supper, i am so in love with congee that i plan to continue this congee thing as much as i can when i am home. the palate is so clean that i can actually taste the sublte sweetness in bitter melon. it’s thrilling. all this congee is like giving the digestive tract an abishek, holy bath. all these pujas soften and dissolve the subtle garbage polluting the body and mind. out they go and upswell our natural sweetness.

swamiji makes learning so much fun

when we decided to go to vaidyagrama to do panchakarma, and mind you, it was after a couple of years of searching for the right place for this purpose, i thought it would be fantastic if i could just get some great panchakarma. but then, of course, i forgot that a great place attracts great people - a little shout out for myself :). naturally an unintended consequence is hwubby and i have met some marvelous people during our six and half weeks there. including swami pratyagbhodhananda, a teaching swami.

i'm, in the heart of hearts, a bhakta, not a jnani. i don't know anything about vedanta. but i can safely say this much. i know a good teacher when i am around one. for me, a good teacher makes learning a lot of fun. okay, i'm not saying i study vedanta with swami pratyagbodhananda. i just was there when he gave a couple of talks. i like this guy a lot. how can i not when, as part of introducing him, he is referred to as the one who says, the food here is colorless, odorless and tasteless. his full moon face becomes a super full moon overflowing with laughter upon hearing this. i am not exaggerating when i say he is a sweet swami. the simple saffron bag he carries on his shoulder always has a baggie of sweets within. really nice ones too. chocolates. ginger candy. right off the bat of his first talk he says, i'm not in top form because i did not have my afternoon tea. by tea he does not mean the herbal drink vaidyagrama provides in the afternoons. swamiji means the real deal, fine chai. by the way he knows exactly where to get a good cup of chai in coimbatore. back to his teaching. even in a state deprived of 'afternoon tea' he manages to do some shining teaching. he is one of those fine ones who can teach through telling a story. his comedic timing is spot on. i'm not saying teachers should make students laugh but laughter infuses learning sublime scriptures with fun and ease.

you see, when we crack up mental activity stops in their tracks. the mind quiets down and becomes totally still. what happens then? the light of our innermost and highest self shines forth. it is sweet. it is joyous. it is a sense of deep peace. then the teaching in the story simply shine through the mental cracks and touch our hearts. we recognize the truth, we are receptive to the teaching and we laugh some more.

well, it definitely helps his approval rating, as far as i am concerned, that he and hwubby are like brothers and he says, your wife is an even more wonderful person than you are. you go, swamiji. i love you! a special shout out to vaidyagrama. left to myself i would never have met a vedanta swami.

what is stopping me from whittling away at it?

this morning's meditation is bright, awake. after getting out of bed it comes to me to go into the yard for a little bit. a little bit. that's very clear. so i do. i water the roses. our eight roses are splendid and forgiving. they are so happy just to get a little bit moisturized while sending up these gorgeous, fragrant beauties even though i've been holding back on watering because of water department recommendation. anyway i have a pattern of going into the yard and getting carried away not realizing i am exhausting myself, often to the point of hurting the body. where am i? o yes, so i meditate after half an hour in the yard. that in itself takes all the spiritual will i have accumulated. i can feel the pull to stay longer. i can hear the figs, bamboos are saying, good morning, so nice to see you. but, really, my point is somehow this unscheduled activity imbues my meditation with brightness and alertness that are marinated with intoxicating sweetness. i watch the inbreath deepening naturally, the outbreath lengthening. i respectfully hold attention on the space where the outbreaths dissolve into like foam into ocean. the sense of satisfaction is beyond measure. the closes approximation i can come up with is this. lying on the silky, milky sand on the fiji island where the movie that brooke shield stars in when she is sixteen, drop dead gorgeous. sparkling and gentle waves wash the body in these massage moves that smoothe out whatever tensions lodged within fibres and tissues. the mind that is conditioned to get satisfaction from things external can't really wrap around this. it's all right. i don't feel the urge to explain it. i just watch the mind go vibrantly still. i know i am washed clean by the source of potentiality from whence the physical universe and stars, planets and galaxies spring.

so there i am reveling in this wonder all within my own being when some long-buried memory makes its appearance. it comes with embarrassment and shame. probably i have consciously shoved it into some dark attic in the belly or pinkie. i make an effort to take in a deep, deep breath. as the oubreath makes its course, long and fine like the lotus stalk that arises out of a muddy pond, i look at it, in spite of the habitual pull that says, no, i don't want to look at it.

i am all of twenty-eight. i decide i want to write a movie script. so i do. i take it to a producer in a big movie studio. a few weeks later she calls me and says, i show it to my boss, she likes it, she wants to talk to you. what else could she want? make it into a movie. she says, suk wah, you play a nice planning role, after a few you'll direct. now, here's where my stupidity and arrogance kick in. it was the time when the first 'rocky' comes out. somehow i am hit with the idea that i can push this. so i say, either i direct or no movie. well, the studio head complies and shelves it.

before returning attention to meditation i ask this question. why am i seeing this now? what do i have to learn from this? the answer comes in a follow up memory. several years after that episode the studio head says, suk wah, i really like that script, is there any way you can look at it again? did i do it? no. why? i don't know. bingo. this is it. this is what's relevant to me right now. i have this manuscript. in order to finish it properly, to get it out there, i have to look at it again. and some how i just can't bring myself to examine it line by line, page by page. what is stopping me from whittling away at it day after day, the way i wrote it in the first place? 

forgetting is the root of suffering

i have such a new-found appreciation for what the body has been tirelessly and quietly doing for me, supporting me and holding me up. how so? with a sprained right foot i can only sit cross-legged for a short while before the discomfort becomes unbearable. i realize i take so much for granted when everything in the body work well. in another word i forget. from now on when i meditate i will first thank the body for serving me so loyally, for being such a reliable companion on my spiritual journey. without the body i can't meditate, i can't chant, i can't study scriptures, i can't be in the sweetness of my own inner self. forgetting is truly the root of suffering.

i am bright and bold sweetness

hwubby says, look at your nest. indeed. my meditation closet is a choreographed pile and cluster of zafu, zabuton, cushions, folded blankets in a variety of configurations. when i went to tahoe, i had two suitcases. the heavier, bigger one is all for my meditation equipment. i'm just so grateful that my teacher has made it possible for me to sit cross-legged on the floor comfortably for an extended period of time. with a lot of support. a lot. this, to me, is compassion.

i've come to a point where i can dwell and roam in the inner mystical world more than two hours and not feeling any strain and stress on the body. in fact, i experience incredible alchemy taking place in the body. lighthearted sweetness steadily release from the joints, tissues, ligaments. the spine is upright and bright. i realize this is not a fleeting feeling. this is the real thing. this is who and what i really am. bright and bold sweetness.

the sky of the inner self is o so sweet

meditate the entire day in whites. what a great thing to do after 11 days roaming coast to coast, city to city, kitchen to kitchen, enjoying the variety of people. no sooner than i sit down than all my concerns about whether i could sit on the floor for extended periods of time after meditating lying down for days are gone. the body gladly settles into a solid, stable easy lotus and there i stay with sublime, sweet contentment. i realize i am looking at the sky of the inner self. the outer sky is as vast and open as the inner one. and just like clouds of all shapes and sizes appear, move and dissipate in the sky clouds of mental activity do the same routine in the inner sky. in fact  a lot of times they come and go so fast that i can't even make out what the contents of these mental meteors are. and it doesn't bother me. i don't chase after clouds. i keep gazing into the sky. as the day of meditation unfolds i realize i'm witnessing sublime alchemy taking place within me. steady, subtle sweetness are being released into all the joints, tissues, ligaments of the body, the entire lake of the mind. hwubby takes a look at me at the end of the day and says, you look so refreshed. give credit where credit is due. i was so tired the night before after a day of schlepping and traveling that i was about to give up on the meditation event. but hwubby says, you have to go. so i do. thank you, hwubby.

dawn within. dawn without.

going home tomorrow. so looking forward to meditating in my own meditation closet. right off the bet i have to say wonderful, marvelous people have been opening up their homes to us and allowing us to use their kitchens in the way that work for us. let me put it this way. i would not have been a fraction as nice as all my hostesses if someone came into my kitchen with a suitcase of provisions and equipment, cooked their own food and drinks. anyway the supine meditation posture works out well. a couple of mornings back hwubby says just as i am about to close my eyes and go into meditation, look outside the window. i slightly turn my head. through the opening in the still dark vegetation i see a small patch of cloud being tainted orange-gold against the fish-belly-white pre-dawn sky. i realize i am watching miracle as it happens. contentedly i close my eyes and roam the miracle dawn within. the sweetness is nectarean.

irresistible sweetness of the self

meant to meditate for a little more than an hour today. but the sweetness is irresistible. i just couldn't bear to get myself out of that comfortable posture. i end up sitting for more than two hours. i could have and would have gone on if not for the day ahead. it comes to me that i have a few things to catch up today since there was no internet access for most of the day yesterday. thank you, inner self.

i am an inner space traveler

i look at meditation as space travel. i go to the inner space. there i experience this ethereal sweetness and lightness and brightness. restlessness and anguish cease. i see mental activity associated with worry, fear, anger come and go, like meteors passing through the outer cosmos. i am not them. i don't get caught up in them. not for long. not anymore. meditation helps me to shorten the lapses where i identify with them. as soon i catch myself going along with them i make a conscious inner effort to turn attention to the flow of the easy breath and i return to the deep inner space where my own inner self is, where pure and independent joy is, the cosmos of abundance consciousness.