qualities of my own true nature

subtle breakthrough. about half a day into the meditation retreat i notice something. i don't think i would have if the mind is not so quiet and the body so relaxed. and it's actually the absence of a dug-in tendency. the melancholy that the retreat will come to an end. i am amazed beyond word and measure as i watch how the body is calm and poised. throughout the two days i notice the restlessness and soreness that usually start gnawing at the joints and legs after a few meditation sessions are simply not there. the inner sky is by and large clear and sunny. every now and then i notice thoughts and emotions that are like cotton-candy clouds. as i type this i don't even recall what they are about. doesn't matter. i just return attention to the nice and natural flow of the breath and the divine song within it. before i know it i am not even aware of those mental clouds.

where am i? yes, the breakthrough. i realize i am more anchored in the understanding that this quiet mind and relaxed body are the qualities of my own true nature. all that i revel so much in the retreat are to guide me to connect deeper with what i already have, to cultivate the awareness that i am not this thought, not that memory. my happiness only depends on how connected i am to my great self. here's the kick. when i am consciously connected to my great self i can see how much joy there is in my life. what about this one? hwubby. last night he walks through the door in his bike helmet and waves of bliss overcome me. he really brings yummy joy to my heart. and if i am all caught up in anxiety and anguish that there's no retreat the next day i wouldn't be able to taste it so good.

we are a guac black hole

six of us doing the practices together. sweet and intimate. we chant rudram with our guru on dvd. i have no doubt she is with us right here in shivaa's divine abode and we have her all to ourselves. i feel that much closer to god, that much closer to my own true nature, my innermost self, the source of all that i am. as i glide into meditation on the wave of resonance from our singing om this steady throb pulses through my entire being. the scents of shivaa's blooming roses quietly infuse through the windows and dusk lights and permeate my awareness.

we emerge from all this with a bottomless appetite for food. shivaa says, i made this guac with five huge avocados. and? we wipe it all out to the last drop. we are surely a guac black hole. i, for one, have two big bowls of shivaa's spring soup. tender fava beans in a shittake broth enriched by coconut milk. slivers of a variety of mushrooms float together with bits of carrots and red pepper flakes. a hint of ginger gives it an extra subtle buzz. for salad shivaa does this spring number. cole slaw with mint. lorraine is the first one who raves about it. i take a bite and my jaw drops. a brilliant move.

stomach satisfied and mind quiet i hitch a ride home with shrileka continuing with our spiritual catching up. as far as i am concerned that is the real dessert. insights and understandings arising from us examining and reflecting our experiences sweeten our perceptions as we take care of all kinds of life challenges. we realize more and more all this is grace. all this is grace. and all this is grace. as a seasoned yogi says about hwubby's taxi hit, a boon in disguise. now, ain't that sweet.

this body is a temporary garment

hwubby and i take a walk basking in the afternoon sun. it's so nice holding hands and feeling the warmth of each other. one warmth. it's been such a long time since we've been able to do that. i remember something my teacher say when she was a teenager. as an indian and knowing little english, she was given the task to translate her teacher's teaching talks in front of large audiences of foreigners. she asks her beloved teacher, why do you give me so little time to prepare? he says, to the effect, then you can truly appreciate the power of grace. as the question and answer appear on the screen of the bright and quiet mind i realize i am having just that, an experience of the power of grace. there are so many challenges and uncertainties in our lives. yet my inner space is sweet, warm, pristine and permeating the fragrance of freedom. from this vantage point it is clear, without a doubt, that everything in the physical universe, circumstances, situations, are simply reflections in the mirror of my pure consciousness. this body is a temporary garment sheltering the ever-great, ever-full, ever-fresh inner self.