new year resolve. patience

i knew exactly what i really want to cultivate in this year when year end was approaching. patience. my guru says again and again, with patience you attain everything. yet, i dare say, this is the one thing that's been really dragging my feet in so many ways and i don't even recognize i am acting, thinking or speaking out of impatience until way after. i heard about patience of course. but when i was in twenties, patience sounded so...boring, dull, so...not exciting. well, equipped with spiritual awakening and eighteen years of spiritual practices i have come to have a whole new reverence and affection for patience. therefore i resolve this year to cultivate patience. i say to my inner self and the universal self, here i am, i am ready.

be careful of what i wish for. i might just get it. check this out. on the first day of new year my prayer is answered big time. i am presented with one opportunity after another just for that. here it's how the day goes. we are staying in sebastopol. i say, i want to go to torah study. hwubby says, sure, do you want to daven - praying in hebrew - with the rabbi? i say, of course. he says, sure. a little while later, he says, o, we'll leave at seven fifteen, we'll go to burlingame to pick up robin, she's in a retreat in the mercy center, we'll drop her off at the airport, the mercy center is just ten minutes from the airport. robin is a dear, dear friend and hwubby always wants to give a ride because he says, you know, you don't drive, many people give you ride, and that's a big help and comfort to me, so why don't i help someone when i can. it all sounds so sweet and wonderful that i think, suk wah, hold down your stingy, selfish self and keep your big, fat mouth shut.

the way it turns out, the morning goes like this. according to his plan we are supposed to leave by seven fifteen. by eight we start to load up the car and i don't want to count the amount of bags the bernsteins have when we go away for two nights. suffices to say he has brought a arts and crafts store along. once we are on the road we have to stop because we spot a bagel shop that is open on new year day morning. he says, i have to have my lox and bagel. fast forward. it's nine thirty. he is supposed to be at the mercy center at nine fifteen. we are, according to him, will be late, probably about half an hour. half an hour later. he calls the mercy center again and leaves a message for robin, saying that we'll be yet another ten to fifteen minutes late and if robin thinks she doesn't want to wait she should get a cab. in the end, that's what robin chooses to do. in hwubby's words, this is better because i don't want robin to get into a panic coming out of a silence retreat. all this while i focus attention and awareness on the sound and movement of the easy breath as much as i can.

a few hours later, at our house's front door. he can't find the house key. he says, i think i must have left it at the rabbi's house when i was repacking. i really want to ask him, why did you have to repack in the rabbi's house? i take a deep breath and zip the lips.

om namaah shivaaya. i have a full plate of spiritual work all set up.

dim flashes across the sky of the inner self

on one hand i want full realization. on another hand, when i meditate these days it feels so very enough just to immerse into that pure and strong peace within. i know, i know the universal self pervades all things and creatures. yet meditation grants me the experience of the unfiltered, sparkled inner self. more and more i watch the mental activity come and go. in fact, this morning, they come and go so quickly i barely have the chance to even see what they are. like flashes. dim flashes across the sky of the inner self. they used to be thunders and lightning bolts that paralyze and devour me. not anymore. i am the inner self. end of story.

universal self has other plans

awake i am 3.30am when i go to bed almost 11.30pm. i can feel part of the body and mind saying, we are tired. but there is a stronger pull, much stronger, saying, get up, meditate, you can always go back to sleep. so i do. the posture feels so comfortable that i end up sitting more than two hours. amidst long, deep breathing i hear the inner voice saying, go home sunday. it feels right. what happens is the plan to return from tahoe today, monday, fell through sunday afternoon. meanwhile i have been getting writing done in a steady fashion. as a matter of fact hwubby said it right from the get go, why don't you stay the whole time. but i really didn't feel like away from him so long. well, as it turns out, the universal self has other plans. hwubby is missing me terribly while being totally supportve and says, yeah, you should definitely stay, i'll arrange to send you what you need for food. how lucky i am.