my mother and her 'son'

meet my mother's 'son.' seriously. somehow i've noticed that there's some sort of a thing in the likeness of  my mother playing favorites. for instance. she cooks a meal. i show up in her place. i look at the food and i am drooling. all my faves. smoky and juicy pork chop with caramelized onion. ginger and spring onion chicken. minced beef cake with water chestnut. shittake  and chinese  broc. milky white fish soup slightly tinted with the tangy taste and color of tomato. by the way you cannot make such a soup with those big and expensive soup. it has to be a lot of small, bony fish that are cheesecloth wrapped and cooked briskly so that literally all the tender flesh seamlessly blend into the soup. anyway, where am i? yes, sibling rivalry. i can't wait to start eating. she says, where's son-in-law? i say, he has other plans. i'm not kidding. i immediately see her face clouded over with disappointment. as if that's not enough to show her love for her new 'son' she takes the pork chop away. i say, what is this, am i chopped liver? she says, you can't eat all this. i say, why not.

all kidding aside i realize i do have this attention deficit disorder since i was born. since i was the first child and first grandchild. so by the time my sis came along and then other cousins, i just didn't know how to handle the situation where i was no longer the only adorable baby in the universe. suddenly it appeared to me that all the aunties and uncles had other bundles to hover around and i was supposed to act like a mature, responsible grown up.

now even that, i realize it's a perception that came out of my sense of separateness from my highest and innermost self. really. other babies came along but nobody ever took away their love from me. nobody can ever take away the love that ever dwells in my own heart. nobody and nothing can diminish who i am. well, if it were not for my meditation practice i don't think i would ever have come to this understanding.

so i am truly happy to see the aging parents revel in their big 'son.' after all when they are happy it makes my life a whole lot easier. :)

meet my hong kong family

it takes a village to care for aging parents. so, meet the 'hong kong village' that takes care of my 82-yr-young mother and my stepfather who is in his late seventies. where's her child? that one and only heartless daughter lives an ocean and a continent away. without them i cannot image how i could still be living in america. so a big shout out to you all, and a special big one to the lady who is all the way to the right on the front row. that's my auntie choy mey, my mother's younger sis. she's the one who's taken up the responsibility on her shoulders. i should say my mother couldn't have found a better daughter in her. well, definitely much better than me. she looks out for my mother with such devotion, thoughtfulness and tons of lightheartedness. while i am on this note i must not forget my godsis, wai ying. she is so patient, kind, sweet and sensitive to my mother. without a doubt a far better daughter than me. where is she in the pic? behind auntie choy mei. anyway, the point is, i have had it easy. thanks y'all.

steady, sublime sweetness

i go to a full day meditation event with the intention to deepen and strengthen my meditation practice. and so it is. i've been hearing the teaching 'god is within' for 19 years. now i am feeling it. the inner space that dwells within this body, this spectacular, magnificent body that serves me so unconditionally, always there, heart pumping, liver purifying, blood circulating and on and on... this inner space contains all that i want to have. joy. peace. clarity. courage. strength. and so much more. from this place and state i can truly taste the full palate of human experience. above all. the sweetness of the self.

before going into meditation this morning i know from huwbby that there is an email about my mother's health sitting in the inbox. reflex pushes me to check it right away. yet, i decide to do it after meditation because i want to stay away from the knee jerk reaction mode. the pull of the inner self wins.

my god-sis. 38 m + 21 m

on one hand the holy-day season is marvelous and wonderful. on another hand it is so very sweet and settling to return to the calming and calm rhythms of day-to-day life.

as the easeful breath flows ever more freely through the body and mind i have this keen awareness of a soft whiff of sadness nudging my heart.

i know what it is about. i miss my muimui.