breakthrough by the power of grace.

luxury is so many things to so many people. for me it is to meditate away without a timer. being deep within soaring pines is like extra fresh cream on ripe strawberries. this morning as i recite, as usual since beginning of 2011, some words of my guru's guru, a miracle happens. i watch the river of sound flow out of vocal cord in easeful sync with the outbreaths when suddenly and quietly i notice a subtle switch. the passage as i learn it is in past tense. now i am amazed to see that i am reciting it in present tense. it goes like this.

i do not meditate out of fear but with enthusiasm, faith and love. i do not meditate to please anyone, not to gain benefits from anyone, nor to satisfy a desire, sensual or otherwise. i do not meditate to rid myself of any illness, physical or mental, nor to gain fame through the miraculous and supernatural powers that i may acquire. no one forces me to meditate.  i meditate not because religion says that it is good to meditate. i meditate solely for the love of god, because i am irresistibly drawn toward goddess kunkalini, and to explore my own true nature.

what a breakthrough. i am having an experience of the sublime wisdom that comes out of the intense austerities the compassionate teacher went through with persistence and passion as a student. by the power of grace this little student have come to own the truth embodied in these strings of pearls.

just keeping up with listening to it.

there i am, finally, attempting to make some sounds approximating what the brahmin is letting out of his golden voice. the facial muscles buzz like ten thousand threads of electric currents are coursing through me in all kinds of directions. the last time i have an experience like this is chanting rudram for the first time in a month-long silence retreat deep in the catskills some twenty years ago. a strong hum rattles the skull and limbs. i'm not so much as chanting but trying to keep my head above water in a roaring and rising river. i have to stop from time to time because the english transliterations on the page blur into strings of consonants that twist my tongue into a pretzel. fortunately the brahmin's voice is one of those that chinese say whose resonance wrap around the pillars of air and hover three days in the palace of the atmosphere. the potency in the metallic timbre reaches the bone marrow. the expansiveness in his mighty voice brings to mind the infinite horizons of the cosmos. the sweet kindness ringing in the tone marinates the depths of heart. so listening to the brahmin chanting this ancient hymn is just like being aloft in the crystalline alpine lake under the late afternoon sunshine and losing my gaze into the powder blue clear sky that is like a low-hanging ceiling at this high altitude.

i cannot really see myself memorizing this vishnu sahasranama but i am already loving the listening part of it.

i am big. i am humbled.

is the alpine lake in me? or i am in the alpine lake?

in this morning's meditation, besides enjoying the pristine waterfalls of the breath i re-experience that which i witness in front of the adorable lake of sapphire set around emeralds of soaring pines. i am in awe of the thunderous breath. i am humbled witnessing the wonders within me. how big i am. how vast i am.