day after yom kippur. pujari. teshuva.

fasted on yom kippur. all day service. got up next morning, sunday, at 3, meditated, chanted rudram, went to ashram to prep for pujari seva, chanted guru gita with sangham. then, ta-da, hwubby came with some family to see me wave the light in temple. such joy.

it's been kind of like this. longer and deeper meditation. loving rudram more and more everyday. stabilizing into a groove of rewrites on the novel. all while handling worldly affairs and in a state of happiness. just like my name. sukh. in sanskrit it means 'happy place.'

the other day someone sent feedback to hwubby, that something i said and did made her uncomfortable. i didn't feel offended at all. i didn't feel the need to defend. instead i had this surge of, for the lack of a better word, compassion. inwardly i sent blessings to this person. outwardly i discussed with hwubby what i ought to do. quickly i came to conclusion that i would, thru hwubby, let this person know how apologetic i am that i have done and said something that has upset her and that it has never been my intention to cause her any discomfort in any way.

the truth of the matter is, nothing anybody says or does can add or take away what i am. i am the wonderful, happy self that is fearless, resilient and ablaze.  that is the truth. that is the truth. that is the truth.

just as the scientists don't know what caused big bang, what created gravity and what makes the physical universe all still hanging together i will never know how exactly panchakarma works on a biochemical and physiological level. but it's all right. i feel such growing gratitude for being part of all this. i thank gravity for grounding me. i am so thankful for being led to vaidyagram where i can experience the benefits resulting from the deep meditation of rishis from five thousand years ago. if it were not for the trust in my guru i would never have landed in this place populated by brilliant and dedicated ayurveda doctors, therapists and staff. to me that is divine gravity working. i am drawn towards that which i long for. that which helps me move towards moksha, liberation.

i so enjoy waving the flame to the seat of the guru, to bade baba, to baba. i thank them for showing me my own flame and how to keep it burning high clean and pure. let's crack that coconut and keep grace flowing.

tweak and twist jewish high holidays.

chag sameach. i love jewish high holidays. the intention is sublime. the ten days are really about reflecting on the previous year. the structure is brilliant. begins with new year, rosh hashana and ends with at-one-ment, yom kippur. the whole idea is to look at where in the past year i had been 'missing the mark.' cheyt. a term from archery, meaning just that, not as it has come to be known as 'sin.' what a relief, huh. no judgement. no criticism. above all, all i need to do is to identify the points where i 'missed the mark' and return to where i ought to be, my highest self. the prayers are to steer our attention in such direction and stay there for the ten days and, hopefully, beyond. this process, teshuva, is intense work, hard work. can't stand on the sideline. have to dig deep and be able to look at things as they are, me as i behaved, acted and thought, and, believe me, it can be ugly and unpleasant.

now that brings me to my humble suggestion for upcoming high holidays. tah dah. the truth of the matter is, teshuva, is emotional and mental detox. don't believe me? listen to the recurring calls to yhvh in yom kippur. SWEEPT IT OUT. THROW IT OUT. WIPE IT OUT. CLEAN IT ALL OUT. in another word. flush it out of you.

here is where knowledge comes in. liver works hard during detox. toxins are drawn into circulatory system before they can be expelled. think this metaphor, flush it down the toilet. and herein lies is the problem. part of yom kippur tradition is fasting. no food is good. it conserves digestive fire to pull out toxin. but no drinking doesn't work so good. no water to flush it out. what happens is by late morning of yom kippur i begin to feel dizzy, and headache begins to set in. it gets worse in the afternoon. was it as bad as jon stewart says, i'm ready to punch a baby? i was just too dizzy to know. but hwubby took a look at me, decided on his own that he had to take me home. i took some rice milk, went horizontal for a bit before i could return to the finale service.

according to ayurveda, yom kippur takes place in the season of autumn. two key words for autumn. heat and wind. in the body the wind blows heat upward into the brain where the mind dwells. the toxic heat stirs up negative emotions.

so here's what i'm gonna do next yim kippur. stay hydrated. in fact, during the ten days of teshuva make sure i drink nice and plenty. sweep it out. throw it out. wipe it out. flush it all out. return to who i really am. light. a blazing flame. love. joy. courage. strength. kindness. eternal goodness. eternal godness. hallelujah.

in my humble opinion, this is the number one greatness about this country. i can freely draw on whatever works on the spiritual path. ancient knowledge, cutting edge knowledge, ancient prayers, modern means. i can tweak and twist to my heart's content. this is true liberty.

raging fire. let slave consciousness go.

LA SHANA TOVA. now is the time for jewish new year. may the coming year continue to bring sweetness into you and you and me. sweetness in the bright and bold flavors of strength, courage, perseverance, intoxicating tastes of kindness, generosity. may the breath of yhvh flow into the unfoldments of life. may the merciful one bless us with the awareness to experience the breathing movement touching all that in our life, all that we may not conventionally perceive as pleasant, even all that the mind has been conditioned to think of as bad, unfortunate.

during this period culminating in yom kippur the rabbis say we have to do teshuva. what's that? we reflect on the past year, examine where we were off the mark, forget to think, speak and act from the place of our highest self, and we return.

for most of the past year hwubby was going thru rehab as a result of being hit by a taxi head on, incurring multiple fractures in clavicle, ribs and pelvis. he spent five days in icu, weeks in acute rehab and a full month confined to hospital bed at home. then came months afterward traveling in wheelchairs.

as i look at this pic all i can think of is this. IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE. as a matter of fact i recall when i got the call during which i was informed about the accident i clearly see i am in a moment of choice. i can go into the narrow consciousness of 'i'm the victim...why me...blah blah blah.' instead i see my attention dive with unwavering resolve into the opposite direction. That he is in god's hand and i just have to do the needful.

sometimes when we go thru airports with him in the wheelchair and i holding his cane i like to sway it like a baton. he would tease me, what are you doing, you think we are the multitude leaving egypt? i say, hey, why not, that's a good one. indeed, it's a great one. you see, it's hard to take the slaves out of the narrow land and it's even harder to take the slave consciousness out of us.

raging fire burns up dross and out comes pure gold. may we have the understanding to step into the challenge and allow our golden selves to shine forth fully. amen. may it be so. 

returning to what? going where?

it's the homestretch in the ten days of high holidays. the finale. yom kippur. rabbi says, how are you doing so far in terms of figuring out where you were off the mark? where are you? where are you going? what do you want for your life? what are you going to do in the coming year to move in the direction where you want to go? and we are not talking about material stuff and worldly achievement. i have lived long and enough and gone through a few things to know that when i am about to let out the last breath i won't be worrying about how rich and famous i am. anyway when we are called upon to share with each other regarding this teshuva process i say, ever since i was little, even before i could speak i just carried this sense that i want the highest. then for decades i looked and looked and, oy, have i looked in the wrong directions. i look for the highest opinion from others. i look for things that everyone else i should look for. everything works for a while. nothing sticks. now i am finally at the point where i am so happy that i am on the right track. i know where i am going. i want the highest. so i just measure everything with this question. does this take me to the highest? later on my friend says, this is too abstract for me. i pause for a moment and say, like, yesterday, i was in the midst of meeting an important deadline while waiting for an important phone call. the phone rings. i am all set for this complex conversation when the calling person says, this is your alarm company, i want to let you know your house alarm has not been working for two weeks. why? because hwubby, while getting an iphone, changed our land line to a cell line. as i reflect on it i realize it more because he did it without talking it about it with me first than anything else. i don't want to rehash the sordid details of how i didn't conduct myself according to the highest. my friend chuckles and says, wow, this is surely grounds for divorce. we laugh. she says, will it help if he just says, does this take you to the highest? i think it would. at least it would seal my lips and stop my mind from going down a slippery slope. the bottom line is this. it is an aggravating and messy situation but is it worth it to hurt someone who loves me and cares about me with all his heart and soul and might? after all he was just trying to save some money and he know how much it means to me to save money. when i am about to die would i even remember that i was upset on that particular friday afternoon? it that god's voice telling me to yell at hwubby?

may i keep simple and clear so i can hear that voice from within that is always guiding me towards the highest. may it be so.