try whatever. play. see where it takes you.

i'm having an experience of the law of inertia. it takes a lot to get the action started. i need to do rewrites on the manuscript. i see resistance, fear, frustration, i'm way over my head, this is too much to handle, what am i thinking, the world doesn't need another novel, blah blah blah, popping up like whack-a-mole.

i confide in hwubby. he says, god is with you, i love you, you are great, keep breathing deep into your belly, feel your feet planted into the floor, the chair supporting you, then, this is important, set the timer to a session of 20 to 40 min, dive in, then get up for a 5 min pause, go out into the garden every so often.

so here i am in the beginning of the first session, sipping tea (yum cha), asking my inner self, where should i begin? open a new doc? or make a copy of the first chapter and use the 'tracking changes' feature? response comes quickly. try 'tracking changes'. try whatever. play. see where it takes you.

right away i realize i don't trust myself. in the words of my editor, lacking confidence. it's part and parcel of the old tendency of unworthiness, afraid of making mistakes, fear of getting lost.

enough of this. i've gotta move on. get out of my head and into the body. i know what to do. i'm not starting from a blank slate. i've already got plenty of good stuff. i am a wonderful writer. i'm building on what i have. dig in, suk wah.

have no fear. let the fears come up. bye bye.

be careful what i wish for. i might just get it. and, wo-oh. what's happening is i say to my inner self, i'm ready to let go of these old, old fear. and, in a steady stream, since a few days ago, the mind has been in this whack-a-mole mode. a fear pops up here. i catch it. turn attention to breath flow. a fear pops up there. i catch it. turn attention to breath flow. it's been just like that. only the speed of these popping-up fears has been accelerating. some times it feels like a thousand fear-moles are coming up with just a fraction of an instant between any two of them.

but, you know what? i'm strong enough to deal with this challenge. i really want to be free of the grip of fears. i have the conviction that they are coming up because i'm ready, willing and able to let them go. i don't know how much fears there are in the mental store. i'm just going to clean up shop however long it takes. hwubby says, just remember, god is with you, i love you, and you are great. yay.

okay, i see another one. go. go into the infinite space of the inner self. bye bye.