as a matter of fact i am happiness

friends ask, what do you do in the retreat? i say, we sit and be quiet. that simple. and radical too. for the most part of the two days no sooner than the facilitator says, close your eyes, than i go straight to a place of no linear time, no words, no sense of dimension. just a mass of bright serenity, joyous contentment. more often than not i experience my awareness descending at super high speed into the depths of my inner being. it's all very subtle.

there was a time when i came out of meditation upset that i missed the meditation instruction, that i must have not meditated. seriously. of course i was also upset that i didn't have any dramatic experiences. where's the light? thunder? visions? i would feel so disappointed and then envious when others described  their super audio-visual experiences. not anymore. i have come to appreciate my own experiences. really. i notice there are so much less mindless wanderings. i am able to step back with ease from the tendency to worry, to project into the future. when we are chanting a long mantra praising the qualities our own true nature i actually vividly sense that yes, i am not the thoughts, feelings and emotions. my senses are open and functioning but i am not dependent on sensory pleasures for my happiness. as a matter of fact, i am happiness.

the first thing i notice at the end of the retreat is this. where is that lifelong nagging restlessness? and what about the doubting voice? i don't expect they vanish for good but i know now that they are not in the driving seat anymore.

sit. walk into the heart. clean mirror

here's how i would describe the way i look at my meditation practice right now. every day i sit down on my meditation mat. by the way this one has been such a loyal companion for eighteen years. anyhow, anyhoo, i sit, jump into the river of the breath and glide into the subtle heart, my innermost self. everyday is an adventure, a travel into the inner space. these days as i follow the path of the inhalation and exhalation i see that the space where the inhalation emerges is no different from that into where the exhalation disappears. little by little, day by day, this space shows me how vast it is. the mind can't reach its limits.

the metaphor that sort of approximates what happens in meditation is this. it is spiritual mirror cleaning. all that dust and dirt over the mirror get wiped out. i get mental clarity. for instance, today i see a road map regarding a knotty situation that hwubby and i have been working on. not that it is all resolved in one neat move. rather it illumines the next move. aaah. to stay in the present. now, even that is not my purpose to meditate. so i scribble it down, let it go and move on, deeper and higher into my own true nature.