ultimate measure of ability to surrender

i would be the first one to admit i am not tech savvy. nope. not a nerd, nor geek. i just kind of know enough to use the web in a limited way for own little purpose. so when hwubby says, my booksite is down the first emotion that erupts in me is helplessness. the first thought that hits me is this. we have to pay at least seventy-five dollars to the web person to fix this.

hwubby is very tolerant and kind. he says, why don't you poke around. so i do. honestly i don't know what to look for. i mean, i have no idea why the screen is all blank. have i or hwubby done something wrong? bingo. there's an old, old residual tendency. i take in one deep breath after another, slowly. then a thought comes up. i'm sure this is not the first time this has happened to anybody in internet history. then one thought pulls out another like pulling silk from cocoon. this could be a common thing. there's probably something about this in 'frequently asked questions.' i start to feel more settled and go down the list of headings on the support page. where to begin? so i do the obvious. from the beginning. 'browser issues.' i have no idea what this means. but there is something soothing when i see a list of instructions. i love following rules. what can i say. i grow up singing 'god save the queen.' it's still my fave tune. but i digress.

by the time i come to the end of the instruction list i see some discouragement needling me. so far nothing works. where do i go from here? what ought i do? i take a pause, and i see something. there is a paragraph at the very bottom of the section. i read it, try to comprehend it and get nowhere. it's something to do with service provider's cache. it's greek to me.

meanwhile i've been communicating with hwubby while he's in between meetings. in the spirit of transparency, and maybe just to show that i am doing something, i sent him the paragraph. he comes right back. he says, i think this is it. i say, what do you mean? turns out the booksite goes through some internet service provider. another phone call later. voila. the site is back up.

the whole point of this experience, for me, is this. stay calm. stay connected to the inner self. stay open. stay in the present moment. as a matter of fact it dawns on me that the ultimate measure of the ability to surrender is the ability to surrender fully into the present moment the way i am able to follow through the instructions one by one, step by step.

hwubby says, yeah, you don't want to save seventy-five dollars. i say, there's nothing wrong with that. besides, whatever works to get me connected with the inner self, it's cool. and if it happens to save money, more power to suk wah. yay.

encore cold shower

once the inertia is overcome the mind is more open, the body is more relaxed and i can really see what's possible. for instance. it takes some doing to have the first cold shower. turns out i like it. hey, if it were not for the broken water heater...not that i wish it on anyone. i digress. soon i notice the skin towel that i've been using during shower. hey, i can use it to dry scrub, get circulation going before stepping into the cold. so i do. it's amazing. an explosion of refreshing, invigorating tingles. fireworks in my whole being. as i wrap myself in a towel there is this vibrant warmth spreading from within. it's enlivening. as a matter of fact i meditate that much deeper this morning. i actually have the sense that i am beginning to enter the space between breaths. now i like it so much i'm even kind of thinking, i'm gonna miss this when hot water is back.

meditation uninterrupted, sort of

after forty days of circumstantial chaos (actually i like the yiddish word mishegas better) i finally get to meditate a couple of hours uninterrupted. sort of. why 'sort of?' because i'm on a colon cleanse. every morning i drink two glasses of liquid before doing anything else. so midway through meditation i feel i have to pee. but then, because i am able to have bowel movement before sitting into easy-lotus posture my meditations have been so much more open, relaxed and relaxing. the physical body is just that much more spacious. so is the subtle body. it makes total sense. there's less 'shit' within, making space for grace to flow through.

open mind draws grace

this supine meditation really works well for traveling. what i also realize is my intention for keeping a meditation practice has really come through strong and clear. what choice to make in the present moment becomes easier and more easeful. there is only one question to ask. does this take me away from my morning meditation? having asked that i look at how to go about it without driving others around me crazy. the guiding light for me is working with what i have and the trust that what i have is what i need. here's the kick. being open like that draws grace. the forces in the universe flow forth, like iron dust to magnet, to support me to move towards where i want to go. but i have to keep close connection with what's going on in the present moment. or else i won't see what i need to see. it doesn't mean there are no suspenseful twists and turns along the way. speed bumps so to speak. but, hey, who can plan out everything down to dots and tees and control everything so everything work out exactly accordingly?! case in point. hwubby thought through the travel plan from oakland to maine. then, wham, there's a widespread delay in denver. we waited four hours in the airport. we didn't arrive until 3am. the ride into town fell apart. we took a cab. throughout the whole thing i watch myself not getting upset a bit. i see that hwubby and i are having some precious time together. we are in the middle of nowhere. the mind is afloat in a deep sense of freedom. just like that, in a flash, i see the key points in a project i'm handling. i see a road map in the inner screen while watching a big, fat baby playing with his doughy toes. i smile. the bundle of pure lights smile back. we are one joy.

miracle hwubbies, miracle food. miracle buddies.

i'm walking through shivaa's gardens ready to rock'n roll another evening of wonderful and marvelous meditation, chanting, studying and... eating. so there i am oooh-ing and aaahhh-ing at the abundantly blooming roses and who leaps into my vision but norm's beaming, welcoming presence. of course i'm opinionated. i think my hwubby is the best of the best but i have to say norm comes in a really close second:) this is his day off and he is totally blissed out having us taking up his house for a greater part of the day. he is always happy, really happy, infectiously happy. i say, hey, what are you doing? he chuckles, i'm mowing and i'm happy. there you have it. meditation in action. he's humble too. such a great combo.

we chant amidst veils of rose scents rolling in through the windows. gives an extra lift to the vedic hymn. feel it in my voice. feel it in our one voice. 

shivaa puts me in charge of getting her garden greens into the salad bowl. i almost ruin it. i see some pretty little lavender blooms sprinkled around the lettuce leaves. i just jump to the conclusion that they are overgrown weed that got mixed up into the lettuces. so i ignore the little nudge from within that says, ask shivaa, and toss them into the food scrap tin as i break up the lettuces, dill, fennel. the refreshing scent coming off the bowl builds and builds. shivaa throws in mango chunks, instructs me to add cranberries, raisins, roasted peanuts. i say to myself, i'm doing such a good job. and i hear shivaa say, where are the thyme flowers? ooops.

here's the thing. being around generous spirits like shivaa makes it that much easier to not get sucked into the tendency to beat up myself. it helps that much more to weaken the impact of negative tendency when i am around dedicated yogis who understand that nothing takes away or add to the inner self and so accept me as i am along with all those, let's say, residual habits. an even greater thing is they care about me enough to call me in moments of forgetting and disconnecting from the inner self. case in point, i am kind of rambling on and ruth, in her clear and bright voice, kindly says, get to the point. love it. i'm truly fortunate to have buddies who are so present.

as we share our reflections on our spiritual journey we listen to each other with an open mind, laugh our hearts out and munch our way through those yummy dishes that shivaa skillfully prepared with so much sweetness and thoughtfulness. the lima bean soup is sublime. the shittake base infuses an ethereal fragrance to the earthy, creamy soup that looks like molten alabaster. it's a beauty to behold with petite peas floating, red quinoa, carrot bits. taking it straight up to the seventh heaven with an inspired move shivaa made a mint yogurt chutney. i slurp down two nice bowl-fuls besides hummus with tapernade and chunky quacamole with a touch of tangerine. it's a miracle that i could meditate after all this for no reason other than they are truly miracle food.

miracle food. miracle buddies. lucky me. inner growth, truth growth, has never been easier. and fun too. lots of yuummy fun.