not yet. i will.

i am a little more baked. why do i say that? how do i know that? i can hear a teaching over and over for a long period of time. every time it's like, yeeeah, yeeeeah, yeeeah, riiiiight. case in point is this one. the yogic scriptures say the individual mind is a contracted manifestation of the supreme consciousness from which the entire physical universe that was, is and ever will be, arise. and therefore the individual mind has that kind of power which is essentially same as that from which stars, planets, galaxies, meteors burst forth. the only difference is scale. at one point, i think it's last year, and also several years prior, i even study this particular sutra. i learn its sound in sanskrit. i pore over the commentary. but meanwhile i am still pervasively affected by this recurring thought. i can't hold the whole book. i'm gonna lose it. i don't know how i am gonna finish it. think about it. imagine supreme consciousness says, hmmm, no, i can't make something one million times the mass of the earth. by the way, that happens to be the sun.

a couple of days ago i come across this teaching from another source. this time something deep within me echoes and moves. i still see the recurring thought. but i also see a steady surge of will and clarity along with this message. i don't have everything figured out. not yet. i will. i feel this refreshed and renewed reverence for the power of my mind. in its universal form it creates flowers, birds, waterfalls, meadows, rainbows, vegetables, fruits, all kinds of wonderful, marvelous and delicious things. of course my mind has the power to produce a wonderful, marvelous and delicious novel. of course. how can it be otherwise.

this all happens very quietly as i sip ginger tea. is this a breakthrough? an a-ha moment? light bulb moment? i suppose i could call it all that. but it is the fruit of years of baking off the mental bondage.


 

feeling daunted.

this morning's meditation is sweetness tossed in with spurts of feeling daunted. not heavy spurts. light spurts. i know exactly how it is triggered. from the session with my editor yesterday. we are now dealing with structural issues. roles and purposes of characters, goal of a scene, what need to go into which third of the book...all that good stuff. yet, as she says, you write so beautifully and you are at your best when you just write and write, so we don't want to make you write like you are doing a job, have to follow a checklist of things to put in.

i really don't know how to resolve this right now. i guess i'll just do the only thing i know how. let the feeling be there, and ask, you are a flash of supreme consciousness, what are you showing me? quickly a couple of things come up. inadequacy. smallness. unworthiness. okay, enough for now. and really, they are all variants of forgetting that i hold within me the source of that which creates the entire physical universe that ever existed, is existing and will exist. obviously this truth is still something in the head and mind, not in the heart and blood. what ought i do? please show me, my innermost and highest self.

i meditate to become aware of the self within

do i meditate to become the self? nope. i meditate to become aware of the self within. i already have the self. i just have to remember that. as a matter of fact, remembering that and my own death are all i need to hold myself in the present moment. the rest are just things to take care of.

having said that i have to remind myself that staying in the present is not the same as being stuck. i accept myself as it is in the context of moving forward on the path to become constantly aware that there is no difference between my individual consciousness and supreme consciousness. my mind is clear sky.