i'm in shock. i will remember what i need to remember

on the other end of  the cell, my editor says, suk wah, this is tsunami. i say, it's katrina. i just told her about the recording catastrophe. 3 hours of editing on the pages are gone. she says, suk wah, you sound like you are drugged. i say, no, i'm in shock. and yet, in the midst of the numbing shock, i see myself watching the tendency to blame and get worked up hovering far away in the mental horizon. what's really close to me is the rhythmic movement of the breath. on top of all this i'm sitting in the airport on the way to portland, oregon. i discovered the loss about an hour prior. and hwubby and i are traveling with two full suitcases that hold a mini ayurveda kitchen.

back to the loss. i am amazed to see how quiet and calm the inner world is. only one prompting fills inner being: stay in the present. what does that mean? only one thing. how to take care of the situation as it is. i notice how easy and easeful it is for me to hold on to this guiding instruction. i reach out to my editor. she is so great. as we are going back and forth i see the old tendency to get paralyzed and stuck attempting to come back again and again. right then and there i experience what the sages mean when they say, you have a choice in every instant. i can stay with it as it is or i can give up. which way do i want to go? it is in a moment like this that i truly appreciate the value of all my spiritual practices and study. there is no doubt in my whole being that i refuse to go back to the old way. i'm going down the road of transformation. does getting worked up take me closer to full-realization? no. so easy to choose.

after journaling this i'm going to go through the pages and write down in capital letters all that my editor want me to. in this morning's meditation, in supine position on a hotel bed, i keep receiving this message: i will remember what i need to remember.

kneading chapati is revelatory

i don't eat wheat but i have to say, warm chapati coated with and dripping ghee, and by the way, i knead the dough and make my own ghee, is out of this world and beyond. satisfying yet light. the ghee is a bundle of yummy sunshine. hey, it takes one and a half hours to process three pounds of butter to get it crystal clear. the result? intoxicating sweetness that is subtle. worth all that one and a half hours watching over the boiling butter.

kneading chapati dough after coming out of meditation is such a nice way to transition from the inner world into the outer. feeling the flour and water coming together under the rhythmic motion of the fingers and palm makes me realize that the two worlds are not separate. one is in the other and vice versa. i watch a core miracle being created and i am a participant. two seemingly so different things merge into one thing, something that is like caterpillar turning into butterfly. alchemy happens beyond the physical eyes and the touch of hand. often i wonder what happens in meditation when the body and mind say, nothing's happening. as i press the ball of my palm into the dough that is now like earlobe i recognize that i don't see the subtle shifts in my awareness and understanding as they take place quietly but i do see the end result. i've been handling the tests presented to us beautifully. i'm schlepping a whole ayurveda kitchen across the country and work hard to make it work in other people's homes. i'm just days into this way of cooking. hwubby says, and you're doing it with such calm and ease, so flexible and resilient.

remembering yhvh

i'm sure there are all kinds of ways and means to help us remember our connection with yhvh, the healing and transformation power that runs through all things and all creatures, including us. given the technology as it is we don't have a lack of outside objects and hardware and software for this purpose. having said that, for me, the thing that works is turning attention to the sound and motion in the breath. i can do it anyway i want. breathe in. yud. breathe out. hay. breathe in. va. breathe out. hay. or the other way round. breathe out. yud. breathe in. hay. breathe out. va. breathe in. hay. the beauty is endless. it costs nothing. it is portable. it is with me 24/7. i can do it anywhere with anyone and nobody knows it. except me. it puts me back in the light of the inner self, free of the veil of anger, anxiety, i don't like this person, fear and so on and so forth. the key thing for me is to remember to bring attention to the breath. there are times when i don't even realize i am already caught up in the turmoil of thoughts and feelings. the good news is, with my meditation practice i am shortening the lapse between one remembrance and the next. i catch myself sooner.