inevitable karmic outcome. fiery grace.

someone left this comment on my post 'birthday gift in form of violence.' it says, did this really happen? or dream? let me put it this way. it happens on the physical plane. it's so fascinating to see the dream quality of it. on the same episode, hwubby has his own version. here's how it goes down. he is aware that the bus stop at a corner. quite a few people are getting off and on. something catches his eye. a man dashes out of the cluster of people. he has this insane look about him. this is what is still haunting me about this man's presence. the qualities that come to mind are disturbed, bedraggled, disheveled. hwubby sees him yanking the bike off the rack in front of the bus. on the dot he runs across the bus and yells, stop him, he's stealing my bike. hwubby almost gets him because the man loses his balance while a truck barely stops in time. as i blog this i realize the truck could have hit both the guy and hwubby. anyway before hwubby could lay his hands on this guy he already rebalances himself and slips away. on  the bike.

as hwubby recounts this to me i see this shift in my perspective of this experience. i recall what the scriptures say about karma. chinese put it this way. whatever i think, speak and act there is consequence. it may come this lifetime or some later one. which one? how? that's out of my control. there are pieces in my karma profile that cannot be changed at their core or avoided. but the power of grace can diminish their impact. how does that work in this case? call me imaginative, i don't care. it couldn't have been so much worse. this guy might have a gun, or knife...here's where i pull in resolve not to feed the negative thoughts. it is what it is. i am grateful. we are grateful. as my fellow esteemed yogis harry and helen say, you'll forget the bike but meditation and rudram will always be with you. thanks so much, harry and helen, for reminding me about what's real, what's not.

hey, now i remember a story. my great-grand-baba would sit for days without moving. one day he gets up, goes into the forest. according to the people who are with him he knows exactly where he is going. they arrive deep in the forest and sees a snake sit in a coil. swiftly my great-grand-baba goes up to the snake. the snake stays utterly still even in the moment it is struck dead. people are stunned. they say, why do you commit such a violet act, baba? he says, this soul killed me in another lifetime, that's why he is now low in the life chain, he's waiting for me to finish this karma, i receive his call in meditation, now he is free, he can move up.

aaah. may i be free of resistance, lack of understanding and the inability to surrender.

the ability to surrender

here are my three new baskets. resistance. lack of understanding. the inability to surrender. and here's my new practice. whenever i catch some mental activity, it doesn't matter what it is. thought. emotion. thought, emotion triggered by something i do or say. thought, emotion triggered by something other people do or say, or don't do, or don't say. thought and emotion triggered by memory. whatever. the point is to see which basket i can throw it into. so here's my next question. what is the difference between resistance and the inability to surrender? the mind is kind of confused. i ask hwubby, what do you think? he says, first of all, this is a very powerful progression. well, i can't really take credit for it. they come from my guru's poem 'breakthrough'. as a matter of fact this is the core of the verse i am memorizing this week. anyhow, anyhoo, hwubby says, resistance is simply fighting, like, rejecting outright. i say, i see, it's like, i can't meditate everyday. he says, not really, that's more 'inability to surrender,' can't let go. i say, ouch. i pause a moment and say, what about this, meditation makes me tired, i don't want to meditate. hwubby says, that's lack of understanding. oy, now i feel a little discouraged. he says, resistance is, i think, shutting down, closing off. i jump on it and say, so it's really raw ignorance. he says, no, lack of understanding is ignorance. he pauses. i can tell something is going through his big brain. he says, inability to surrender is you know what you should do and.. and i finish the sentence, you don't do it. now that's kind of like not enough spiritual strength to tip you over to the beneficial direction, right. he says, yeah, maybe. o me o my, i can see this search for crystal clear meanings of the three baskets is, in and of itself, is a practice in a class of its own. on a conscious level i don't feel any clearer now before i started. yet i am pumped up with the desire and determination to get to the bottom of it. or is there a bottom?

okay, my friend clara is calling. she is going to do grocery at my favorite store. gotta go.

on the way to the store i tell her what i am contemplating about. she says, this morning i walk my dog and lose one earring. i say, how does that happen? she says, the wind blows back my hoodie, i pull it back over because it is chilly, the wind blows it right back, i guess it's somewhere in there. i say, your fave earring. she says, yeah. immediately it comes to both of us. that's a great case of checking in the ability to surrender.

i can see this is going to a fun contemplation to be continued.

friend on the path. two rabbis.

a friend and i are walking to her car after an event. almost eleven at night. i kind of see a figure approach us and say, you have any change. both of us don't have a dime with us. she says, no, we don't have any money. a little while later, my friend says, can i ask you a question? i say, yeah. she says, were you ignoring that guy or am i wrong? my mind goes blank for a brief moment. then i watch some resistance appear. weak. not strong. i take a look at it and say to my friend, yes, you are correct. we go on to discuss it a little bit. my friend is nonjudgmental. she is as kind and funny and alive as she always is. in such presence all that tendency to defend myself dissipate into the cool night air. i can see how when some one on the street approaches me for money the mind kicks habitually into thoughts like he/she is going to use this for alcohol, cigarettes, whatever and i am not going to be an enabler for that. here i am, the day after, coming out of meditation i see something else. my reaction has to do with poverty consciousness. then i remember something. two days ago i attended a teaching event from a fantastic rabbi. she speaks about the joy of service, serving in joy. among the gems she gave out is this one. in any moment when you can give, choose to give. as i recall these words it dawns on me that i have always had fear and resistance in giving. in all kinds of ways i would hold back while the mind churns up seemingly justifiable excuses.

on the drive home my friend tells me this story. a person stops a rabbi and asks for money. rabbi says, this is shabbos, i don't have any money on me, i'll give you my address, you come after shabbos, i'll give you some money. the person does show up. the rabbi gives him money. the person shows up again. and again. and again. and the rabbi begins teaching him. what do i learn from this story? the first thought i see going through the mind is, o, no, that's dangerous. gee, i can see i have a lot of self-inquiry to do on this one. to be continued. what i do know for sure is this. the rabbi is steeped in a place of fearlessness which is none other than the source of compassion and kindness and generosity. what the rabbi does is right for the rabbi. what i want is not to imitate the action mechanically but to keep anchoring myself in that place within me and from that place i will know what is the right action for me in whatever situation in that moment.

how lucky to have such a friend on the path.