my prayer on passover as an israelite.

i totally consider myself an israelite, someone who wrestles with god.

thank you, my dear yhvh, for getting me out of egypt, mitzrayim, a narrow place. now may i be granted the courage and clarity to get the inner egypt, a narrow consciousness, out of me. i want to have the kind of unwavering faith that abraham and moses possessed. i want my inner world to be free of the bondage of fear, anger, greed, foolishness. slave to tendencies no more. i want to see the force of healing and transformation flow through me unobstructed, no holding back. i want to be able to see that same power in everyone, everywhere. amen.

sorry, body, i treated you not so good

i really have to give a big shout out to this body of mine. you are doing such a phenomenal job. you hold up an easy lotus cross-legged posture for two hours with such ease and steadiness. i can't say enough what it does to put my mind in a comfortable and relaxed state. you shelter the mind. you make it feel safe. i can just watch the myriads of thoughts, feelings and memory go by and have no desire to do any knee jerk reaction about it.

i mistreat you so often and you always work so hard around my bad habits. i know i didn't need that third piece of brisket last night but it's so delish. i couldn't help it and overloaded the digestive system. yet you are so forgiving. i thank you and i promise i'll do better next time.

new era

wide awake at 2.40. all i can think of is to get up and meditate. i end up sitting more than two hours. feels like stepping into a new era.

as i enjoy the breath ever deepening and lengthening i sense this inner clarity becoming more refined and subtler. i can see things i didn't see before. case in point. there were beautiful lights in a meditation experience recently. that much i am certain. but there is something about the experience that i can't quite grasp. until now. i recognize i am watching the lights kind of like looking up from the depth of ocean where shafts and swathes of refracted lights wave through the gently moving waters.

it's all so very alive. peaceful and dynamic all at once. it's telling me something. i feel a closeness to them like they are my immediate family. no, it's like they are parts of me. i can trust them. they have no other purpose but to help me to transform, to become what i can be from what i am.

it dawns on me the ocean is none other than my consciousness. the lights are rays of my inner self. they are lovely. they are glamorous. they are what i want. they are what i have. they are what i am.

my meditation teacher says, we meditate not to attain god from outside. we meditate to become aware of god within. this is my humble experience.

i want to be a leak proof vessel

i'm determined to be a leak proof vessel. what do i mean by that? well, i work hard to build up a wealth of meditation energy. just as a miser holds on to every penny, and hwubby says, you sure qualify as one, i must watch out for mindlessly spilling out the hard earned treasure. how do i do that? i need look no further than how, when and what i speak. is it true? is it kind? is it necessary? is it the right time?

as i contemplate a montage shows up on my mental screen. a collection of exchanges my meditation teacher with people over the years. in all instances, either she was speaking to me or i observed her interacting with someone. but in all situations her words are uplifting and appropriate. being uplifting is not pollyanna, really. and saying we all have to die anyway is inappropriate to someone who just lost a parent, spouse, child, a dear friend.

and when to zip up my lips. that's huge. mr. ken feinberg handled financial compensation for 9/11 families. charlie rose asks him, what lessons have you learned? mr feinberg says, never underestimate the power of listening.

for me, cultivating the skill and capability of listening to the voice of my inner self is of paramount importance. i sure have my work cut out for me. on this one i have a phenomenal role model in hwubby. he listens in a way that is on par with my meditation teacher. from his heart.

gatekeeping what comes out of my mouth goes a long way to becoming a leak proof vessel.

hooked on meditation.

two hours of sweet, sweet meditation. the body is definitely hooked. i couldn't have kept roaming in the increasingly lengthening and deepening breath if there were not things to do.

for sure the low dose restlessness that's been forever in the body is mostly gone. i feel so comfortable in the easy lotus posture that there is not an iota of desire to shift in any way. there's a lightness in the mind beyond measure.

i am definitely becoming more and more aware of the sound of yhvh in the breath. yud. hay. vav. hay. real as can be. it's a feeling of awe and security at the same time.

today's chai is that little bit more yummy. i don't need it. but with a bright and free mind aloft in a clean and quiet consciousness i enjoy it even more.

see sense emerging from randomness

almost two hours i meditated. how did i do that? i just sat until i wanted to get up.

with every breath in and out i settle in a little deeper, go a little higher within. the quiet within is truly sweet and alluring.

at one point i realize there is tremendous energy roaring in the arms, hands and fingers. i watch my awareness roaming a range of consciousness levels. i see connection in things i didn't see before. subtle connection. i've been working with a large amount of data. i begin to see some sense emerging from the randomness. the mind is definitely becoming clearer and brighter. mental noise is down. way down.

the body is holding a steady and comfortable upright posture. the body is getting stronger.

healing lights all the way

i meditate for about 2 hours. i can't get over my posture. so comfortable. so upright. so still. on one hand i have to give credit to my effort. on one hand i know there's a gentle force holding it in place and it comes from deep within. i watch the force doing its thing. i feel it. i am in awe. i love it.

i digress.

this morning my friend is having a surgery. to remove a brain tumor. i hold her in my awareness. i send healing lights. healing lights fill up the surgical theater. healing lights flow through everyone on the surgical team, surgeon, anethesiologist, nurses, and so on. healing lights permeate all the surgical instruments and equipment. healing lights infusing the tumor. healing lights in my friend's breath, consciousness. healing lights permeate the operation from start to conclusion. healing lights all the way. healing lights all around.

where is yhvh?

what is yhyh? here's my experience. it's all in the breath. sound. movement. all of it. which is the sound of inbreath? y? or h? either one works. i try both. one feels just as comfortable and wonderful as the other. hey, this is compassion.

it's fascinating and humbling to realize that whichever way i choose to go with i still end up flowing along in the easy breath. it's thrilling to have the direct knowledge that yhvh, that which makes possible a people to be freed from slavery, is in me 24/7. once i understand this it is only natural that i have respect for all because yhvh is in everyone.

i don't have to look out there anywhere for yhvh. i just have to become aware of it. breathe in nice and easy. breathe out nice and easy. here i am. immersed in my consciousness and on the way from what i am to what i ought to be. it's that simple.

hay. what a relief. what joy.

bringing me close to yhvh

this week's tosha portion is the beginning of the book leviticus.

here's my experience of the compassionate wisdom of the rabbis. we return to the torah portion year after year. depending on where i am at i look at the portion differently. also each year i get a little more familiar with it. i become a little closer to it. so far, for a few years, i've been dreading the books after exodus. it's like, the high drama is over. now we have to wander in the desert and get pounded with rule after rule, dredging through one practical detail after another.

meditating for a courageous friend

i dedicate today's meditation to a friend who just found out there's a tumor in her brain. this comes a few months after she buried her husband who fought cancer for several years. she doesn't want anybody to know about it. so i am quietly sending her support and blessings. may the vibration of courage, strength and tranquility continue to be with this person who always exudes joy, kindness and is so much fun to be with.

aum. peace. peace. peace. may it be so.

beautiful light show within

soon after i settle into the ocean sound of the breath i see swirls and swipes of beautiful lights. i am aware that my jaws drop out of amazement. i sit back and enjoy the show. at one point i notice there is this lovely yellow, almost saffron, pool of brilliance sprightly dancing in my field of view. hmmm, i've seen that yellow before. where? o, yes, it's shivaa's yogurt soup. she blended in organic carrot creating this lovely sunrise in the soup.

i sit for about one and half hours. alert all the way. there is this tranquil buoyancy and refreshing warmth throbbing everywhere, particularly in the hands and arms. i feel happy and auspicious. hello, inner self. thank you, inner self.

seems far away yet so close

soon after settling into easy lotus posture it dawns on me that i am in the midst of bright black light. it feels bizarre even as i am writing this. the arms, hands and fingers are throbbing with heavy-weight happiness. the energy is exhilarating. with ease it quickly spreads to other parts of the body. the breath becomes deeper and longer. my awareness is totally immersed in the ocean sound and the gentle movement of the chest and belly. i am quietly enveloped in a sense of auspiciousness.

probably sat for a little more than one and half hour. feels like i traveled to somewhere far away. yet so close. less than a breath away. such is the enigma of my inner self.

yogurt soup fit for kings and sages

smooth sitting this morning. about one and half hour. plunging deep and fast like those extreme sports people jumping off a rock edge into a bottomless abyss. arms and hands are like water balloons that are pulsing with happy energy. coming out of meditation is gradual, like a cautious diver rising from the ocean deep.

i know i'm being lifted by the power generated from doing the spiritual practices with shivaa and buddies. their commitment and dedication are truly outstanding. vito shuttles shulin and me back and forth with lightheartedness and a shining smile. shivaa feeds us with a feast fit for kings and sages alike. i'm not really a great fan of yogurt soup. but she complements the acidity with baby lima beans, black mushroom broth. it's refreshing and rich all at once. just what we need to dive into the intoxication of chanting and meditating with gusto.

baby arugula from shivaa's garden is the salad highlight. its pungency is vibrant yet subtle. hard to imagine that combo. it makes the eating experience all the more awesome. i'm not a big fan for salad but this one, tossed with beet greens, frisee, red onion, pistachio, mango, blood orange and golden raisin is simply irresistible. i definitely overeat.  what can i do?:) i practically lick the plate dry while laura tells fun stories of how our meditation teacher does not like seeing food being wasted. indeed, at one point, one of my duty in the community kitchen was to go through a bucket, that was up to my chest and filled with old lettuce leaves, leaf by leaf. i loved it.

by the time we are at the finale chant i am swaying, clapping, waving hands and arms. from stomach to soul we are satisfied beyond measure.

the timer retires.

probably sat an hour and a half.

i enjoy beyond words the way my awareness is immersed in the ocean deep of the breath.  here, sound throb in quiet, and quiet holds the vibration.

now i see a nice thing about not using the timer. there's no disruption in the meditation state. it was necessary because i wanted to make sure i meditated a certain amount of time. but i don't need it anymore.

thank you so much, timer. you served such an instrumental purpose. without you i couldn't have got to where i am. now you can retire.

wish i could stay there forever.

i'm going to meditate without the timer for a while. let me see how it plays out. actually i think today i sit for over one and a half hours. there's no doubt that i go to a deeper and higher place. quiet. tranquil. throbbing with simple joy. and it is within myself. the sensation of returning to the awareness of the body is gradual. i'm just traveling with the steady humming of the moving breath. i feel somewhat sad that i have to leave and i see the thought, i wish i could stay there forever.

i say to hwubby, i've had enough of that inner critic telling me, this is not the right word, this is not enough, this is not good enough. i want to stay open, stay focused, stay present. he says, isn't it part of the process to get the word, sentence, whatever, right? i say, you're right. i agree. except for timing. this is the time to up the forward momentum, sketch contours of scenes. so i tend to get stuck while digging for the right word, metaphor, phrase and so on. at this point it is disruptive. it doesn't serve the purpose towards making the book i want to make.

my editor says, fool around with it. maybe this happens. maybe that happens. so this part here is just playing with it, and see what happens, over and over. believe me, if you do it this way, if you just play, and be in the unknown. let yourself be in the unknown, it will all fall together. it really will.

i don't know. it sounds scary. but it sounds right too.

ready to dive in.

can't help it. i just have to meditate before turning myself over to a full day of meditation. really can never get enough of that. i guess it wouldn't be too far off to say i'm addicted to meditation. what can i do? how can i say no to what i love?

but, seriously, i really need to go deep into the inner self to deal with this inner critic. it's yapping at me at every word, phrase, and sentence i write. is this the right word? probably not. is this enough? i don't think so. is this good enough? of course not.

i've had enough of this. it's not who and what i am.

in meditation retreat tomorrow. yeah.

another free flow meditation. it's probably a little over an hour.

i'll be in a meditation retreat tomorrow, in silence, with committed, experienced meditators. i'm so excited about it. this is going to be heaven.

right now, what i need is to expand the capability to examine the vein of a leaf while holding the contours of the forest in consciousness and moving forward all at once. the only way i know how to pull it off is to build a strong, solid connection to the inner self. it all comes from there. once there i watch, listen and stay focused.

in the end it has to come from within.

the inner self knows mars retrograde is over.

didn't set timer. just meditated till i'm ready to get up, or, more accurately, i want to get up.

definitely feel a little more at ease today. yesterday afternoon hwubby said, i felt something lifted in meditation, and i remember my ayurvedic astrologer say this is the time when mars retrograde is over.

i have no idea what that means but i could just feel a deep and real sense of relief within, like letting out a long, satisfying sigh, and knowing that i have understood something to the root cause level.

i see that the inner self is very much tuned in to the way of the cosmos. i have to recognize that because of my steady efforts i have uncluttered and cleared a lot within so i do have a pretty clear connection to the inner self. i'm not saying it's 24/7. but i'm definitely a long way from tuned out and, in the words of hwubby, you're not listening.

where structure and spontaneity rise and merge.

sleeping in 2 days in a row.

the mind is in some sort of suspension, in the middle of nowhere. i know why. the mind needs to get out of some old wiring and some new mental circuitry has to be put in place.

my editor says, your mind doesn't work in a cause and effect way, and it has to for the book to work. these heavenly creatures, monkey, pig, phoenix can't just keep popping out of nowhere. and what is quan yin's plan for her? these creatures' appearances must have a purpose in terms of quan yin's plan for suk wah in the book.

as i watch thoughts and reactions out of hurt pride and the tendency to defend ready to pounce i realize the cumulative power of my practices are lifting me out of the old way. i don't think i could have taken  the metaphor my editor lay out if i were not in a relatively quiet space within.

it's from einstein, my editor says as she draws a dog with its nose up against a wall. she keeps adding lines above and below the wall and the dog turns out to be on a step along a flight of stairs. the dog is trying hard to move forward, but the only way forward is up. einstein says, you can't solve a problem on its level, you must go up.

aaah. the mind has to go up. into the quiet space of the inner self, the source of all creativity, where structure and spontaneity rise and merge.

no wonder i feel drawn to sit down to sing aum and hum. seriously i am already seeing sparks popping up here and there. tiny but sparks nonetheless.

sleeping in

the other day a seasoned meditator said, one day a month i sleep in. i was like, not me. guess what. i sleep in today.

pride. arrogance. still there within me. tendency to judge. still there. i've got work cut out for me.

being breathed in sabbath. 45m + 33m

upswells of cool, fresh buzz from deep within wash thru all corners and shores of the body and mind. wave by wave the throbbing hum fill up the fingers and arms. one by one the tasks that need to be taken care of today emerge in a certain order. the focus of the day becomes clear.

in torah study, hwubby comments, in sabbath i feel like taking a pause from a hectic pace and being breathed.

indeed i have no control over how many breaths i can have and when i will have the last one. recognizing that i can relax into the invisible hands of the inner self and move with the easy breath. remembering that helps me to sustain a sense of healthy detachment from the drama, see through the fog of emotions and thoughts. anchoring my awareness in my inner self holds me steady in the present moment.

someone in the study asks, will people still be workhaholic if they observe sabbath? everybody laugh.

what comes to me is that when i keep the inner space open as a vessel and transmitter for the force of healing and transformation i will know the appropriate thing to do and i will move or rest accordingly. hey, after all, what is my inner self but part and parcel of the force of healing and transformation. god dwells within me as me. halleluja.

be a natural b. 45m + 21m

humming and enjoying the buzz in the lips. buzz in the cheeks. buzz up the nose. buzz cruises around the crown of head. buzz filling up the fingers, palms and arms till they are buoyant balloons of gentle, soothing ocean waves.

that's a new practice of mine. in a way the mind cannot comprehend it makes my meditation that much  sweeter. so simple yet it's strong enough to hold the mind in this quiet, spacious place of the inner self. from here i hum along and watch emotions, thoughts and memory come by and wave them goodbye. i have no intention to let them stick around.

it is so natural to sit quietly like this. i say to hwubby, it feels natural now but it has taken so much work to get here, just to be natural. with a twinkle sparkling off his gorgeous lips, he says, don't be sharp, don't be flat, be natural.

ease into it. ease into it. 45m + 22m

ease into it.

that's what comes to me as i glide into waking state at 2.45am. the inaudible sound of the message reaches beyond the physical ears. it reverberates in sync with the rhythmic movement of the chest being moved by the easy and deep breath. its vibration circulate in all corners of my consciousness.

what does it mean? in a way, the answer is in the three words of the message. but, equally important, what is it referring to?

this comes to me with the next inhalation. it is in connection with what my editor refers to as 'the frame of mind' that i need to have. my twin goals are pumping up forward momentum and guiding the characters to blossom. so it's not about how much of the book i can keep but, simply, what works.

how to ease into it? and, really, ease into what?

as i sit nice and tall in my easy lotus posture i watch the veil of restlessness and agitation dissolve into a resounding resonance that goes, in the end it has to come from within.

aaah. i have what it takes to get the job done. i know what to do. this is the opportunity to cultivate trust in the inner self.

jewels and toilet. 45m + 31m

i come out of meditation, look at the timer and think, wow, it's more than an hour, it's much better than the last few days.

before the thought rolls into another thought and then another i see what's happening. it's the residual tendency to judge, to compare. each meditation is what each meditation is.

then i remember the dream from last night.

ashram schedule from ancient time. inner pandora. 38m + 10m

i say to my spiritual practice buddies, i described to swamiji what we do here, hymn to kundalini, hymn to rudra, omming, meditating, and so on and so forth, and swamiji says, this is ashram schedule from ancient time.

amidst everybody's hearty laughter shivaa says, did you tell her eating is the main thing?

inner self moves me to a wonderland. 39m + 18m

just when i am about to begin humming after doing the last round of aum japa i watch a fascinating thing happen. a subtle swooping motion swirls through me. it's powerful and gentle all at once. there's nothing scary about it at all. in fact i feel safe and secure. my easy lotus posture is stable and sturdy. the breath is easy and steady.

i sort of digress.

anyway, what happens next is a sweet surprise. i watch my mouth and jaw launch into one yawny breath after another. i also watch how effortlessly the back of neck stay long and relaxed. the overall effect is this. there are tensions lodged deep within the neck. each yawny breath reaches into the region a little further. some alchemy takes place. i can feel the stubborn tightening loosen creating space. now the breath can really flow through.

it's a wonderful state to be in. my inner self really knows what it's doing. i just have to stay open, stay out of its way.

inner self informs me on all kinds of things. hockey too. 39m + 27m

today is a yummy meditation. literally. because the intense aroma of simmering ginger lamb soup on the stove soak my consciousness, infusing the body and mind with a satisfying buzz that go really well with the extended resonance of aum.

i love the ginger lamb combo.