Wednesday, January 27, 2010

mousy contemplation goes on. 45 m + 49 m

the 'mouse' contemplation continues.  or, shall i say, unfolds.

as i go about the  day i notice that the dread of a mouse running up my leg ebbs and flows. invariably it spikes when i have to go into the kitchen.

but, here's the thing, the fear no longer chain and shackle me. there are a couple of times that i pause a moment, take a couple of rounds of deep and long breaths before i cross over the threshold and that's it. i'm not held back by fear.

what about the tendency of a frightened and worried mind? well, i do notice its impulses to sprint off to thought cascades. they go something like this: there's a hole somewhere we didn't stuff, so what's going to happen to the mouse trapped in the fireplace, what if it dies and rots there? hwubby says, mouse is usually pretty resourceful. i say, so what if it finds its way up the chimney, the chimney is kind of loose, what if the chimney collapses? hwubby says, yeah, and then the house falls apart, why don't you channel your imagination into the novel?

you know what, hwubby is right. after all, my editor says, suk wah, we need action here, nobody's going to read people eating lox and bagel for 30 pages even though it is beautifully written. hey, maybe one day i have to actually thank the mice for getting the action juice flowing.

and that reminds me of what hwubby says to the mice while he is stuffing steel wool into the holes, mousy, mousy, i know you want a place to live but wify is scared so you have to go.

remembering that brings a soft feeling to my heart and a different look towards the mouse. why, yes, it is probably as frightened as i am.

later in the day, my spiritual study buddy claire-marie, ever insightful and knoweldgeable, reminds me gently through email, mouse is lord ganesha's vehicle. and what do i pray to ganesha for? removing inner obstacles such as fear.

the kind claire-marie suggests me to chant over the mouse. well, i don't know about that. i'm in the process of cleaning up after the messes. besides, what if i start thinking i shouldn't close out the fireplace hole? maybe i shouldn't use rat poison. maybe i should have agreed to let hwubby get those more costly, more humane traps.

suk wah, transform your runaway imagination into action sequences in the novel.

and about the more costly, more humane traps, i believe, as a species, the mice can outlive us. besides, hmmm, there's still a killer in me somewhere:) having said that, chanting over the mouse, i can see myself doing that. not yet, but i can see the possibility of that happening. absolutely. this lifetime.

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