Monday, January 14, 2013

pounding. dislodging. svaha.

it is one of those days when my treatment is being oiled all over with medicated sesame oil and then pounded with hot, herbal  poultices. it feels like showers of electrifying tingles piercing deep into tissues. ayurveda text says this loosens toxins that are tightly lodged and also takes away excess water. anyway back to me. so, anyway, there i am, updating a data doc that is part of a legal matter. something catches my eyes. one of the numbers doesn’t look right. i am stunned. i couldn’t believe it. this is obviously a mistake.  at least at this point i totally believed this is a mistake. i try to recall how i made that mistake. i couldn’t think of any thing. the mind just goes wild with the thought ‘I made a huge mistake. this would not have happened if hwubby didn’t want to do this in the way he wanted. this is going to cost us a lot.’ As i type this and replay the episode like a video i see that i could have gone one way or the way. either i get stuck in this panic/blame mode or accept the mistake, take responsibility for it and roll with the punches. i choose the latter. while the mental chatter continues i stick with what’s at hand here and now, keep working on the doc, updating and correcting all the ‘mistakes’ i can find. and, o me o my am i shocked or what, there are a lot of ‘mistakes.’ i have to keep redirecting attention from being sucked into the mental whirlpool. i persevere and succeed.

once finished, i take it to hwubby, admit the mistake. needless to say he is not happy with the situation but he handles it very well. then his therapist comes to the door.  he goes away for treatment. meanwhile i notice that the mental cry has been gradually subsiding. i have come to the point where i have no problem leting go of any expectation of outcome. yes, i have made a mistake but i am not going to beat myself up about it because the mistake does not take away who i really am, the Self. i will simply keep doing the right thing according to the situation. if there’s a cost incurred because of the mistake, so be it and i’ll be responsible for it. no matter what happens i am still the Self. i feel okay about the whole thing.

when hwubby returns to the room after treatment, he says, ‘i’ve let go of it. we’ll just take care of it whatever it takes.’ so we work together and follow through with what need to be done in a calm and lighthearted manner. finally it comes to giving a title to the new doc. hwubby takes a look at the old title and says, ‘this refers to a different period. so these numbers...’ i immediately got it. all those ‘mistakes’ that i perceived are actually not mistakes at all. they are figures from a different time. and guess what. all the work we have done are exactly what we would have to do anyway.

then it’s time for my treatment. as i relish the healing scent of the herbs emanating from the poultices and the piercing showers i am tingling with the lightness that come from realizing that some entrenched negative thought pattern and conditioning are being loosened, ready and willing to go. svaha.

i am still unpacking the teachings from this episode. every episode is like a garland of buds all of which have the potential to blossom into a teaching. seriously. anyhow, on one hand i recognize there is still residual of an old tendency to default to a state where i think i am wrong when some unexpected twist happens and, boom, i am already in the blame game.  on another hand i have made much progress. i caught myself, didn’t yield to the negative force. i turned towards the light. i am definitely getting stronger and clearer. and this is only preparing the body for the actual act of extracting toxins.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

a life of goodness. going in peace.

i awake in night. it is just before 3, the onset of the golden hours for meditation. for a while i lie in the velvet darkness and relish the exquisite sweetness. by the way, vaidyagrama is a hospital/ashram. the daily prayers, periodical pujas and the devotion of the people who work here have pervaded the grounds with this tranquil, beautiful energy. every particle in the atmosphere shimmers with the intention to heal, body and mind. what about the spirit? well, the spirit is ever present, ever conscious and ever pure. ayurveda says it's the boy and mind that are to be healed and this place is a high-power microscope that can reveal conditions that you were not even aware before. and, may i say, emotions and thought patterns that  are unpleasant to face.

anyhow, back to me. where am i? yes, lying in the dark.  i notice something fascinating. i have no grasp on where i am in the physical world. neither do i feel anxious to find out. there is just no need to do so. the sensation is paradoxical. i am in the middle of nowhere and yet i am everywhere. I am not of any physical location. rather, i am watching all corners while being steeped within a vast, deep space, the space of my own being. it is exquisite. it is delicious. it is quiet joy. i know this is what ‘at peace’ means. there’s nowhere else to be. there’s nothing to want. i am contented to be where and how i am. my attention rides with the gentle flow of the breath. i feel utterly free, so light, removed from cares and sorrows and pleasures and praise. i am one. i am all. adonai eloheinu. adonai echad. god is all. god is one. this is the truth. universal truth. i find the truth in the shema prayer. i find it in the vedas. above all, i find it right within my own being.

after another while i received another msg from within. email hong kong to check in.

fast forward to later in the day. a email from hong kong. my stepfather passed on. what time? about the time when i awoke. he lived a life of goodness and always doted on me,  or dare i say, indulged me. so i am not surprised that as his soul was leaving the body he so generously bestows upon me the experience of being not attached to this bag of flesh and fluids and poop. in all his 82 years he expressed his love for me through food. at the moment when he was released from this life he feeds me with the most fulfilling food, a yummy experience of tasting who i am. thanks so much, ah shuk.

and a big thank you to vaidyagrama for bestowing upon me the condition possible for me to receive it. priceless.