Tuesday, November 30, 2010

turkey carcass and inner self

here's the way i love to eat turkey. the day after thanksgiving i take out the carcass and start digging in and tearing out with all fingers. somehow cold leftover turkey meat, particularly those that are hidden in the nooks and crannies, taste even better. this year i take it to another level. check this out. my cousin, tommy, made the gravy by reducing the juices for two hours. really. this baby is deceptively simple. it's naked. there's nothing else but the bird essence infused with sage butter and flavors of cornbread stuffing. i warm it up. the aroma is subtly rich. it's a great dip for this high quality turkey meat. then i have an inspired idea. i ladle it over steamy basmati rice. truly a meal in a bowl. so now what do i do with the rest of the turkey meat? no worry. the cranberry sauce that agnes, my niece, made is spot on for the purpose. under her dad's supervision there is a fine balance of sweet and sour, smoothness and texture. it really brings out the gentleness of the meat.

and so it is that the turkey we didn't get to eat on thanksgiving serve fantastically for days after, and still counting.

tomorrow i'm really getting to the top fave of turkey activity. carcass soup. in this morning's meditation it comes to mind that there's a bag of shiitake stems in the freezer. brilliant prompting. it will make the soup that much more special. i know the inner self really knows. yet it never ceases to amaze me.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

jewish touch in chinese-american thanksgiving

the day after thanksgiving i begin to dig into the bird. or, more accurately, the fifteen pound bird that my cousin tommy and his family prepared and is now sitting in pieces in bags in my fridge. what happens is there are so much fantastic food at the thanksgiving table that i only manage to have a couple of mouthfuls of the sage-buttered crispy, golden brown skin and juicy breast. actually i really wanted to gobble up the fabulous corn bread stuffing that my nephew byron made and the yummy cranberry sauce that my fifth-grader niece agnes whipped up. they are so good that i can just slurp them down on their own.

anyway, i cannot do justice to it all if i don't pay tribute to the outstanding starters. hmmm. where do i begin? how about this one? 'sweetie in a blanket.' agnes pitted a date, inserted an almond into the hole, wrapped bacon around it and secured it with a toothpick. she did it probably twenty-four times, at least. how about a hand for her patience and stamina? yay, agnes. meanwhile her dad has prepared two dips. check this out. a puree of fennel and roasted garlic. caper, raisin salsa. really. i had to summon all the spiritual force that i have accumulated for eighteen years not to go crazy on them. actually it's more that i was looking ahead, anticipating the crabs, turkey, and all that were to come, and trying to save some space in the belly for them. what next? mashed potatoes. byron suggested adding lox. together with chives, they transformed the homely, humble mashed potato into a golden, lush mound. not to mention hwubby was deeply moved because he was brought up on lox and bagel every sunday growing up. so lox has a special place in his heart. and belly. so there you have it. a jewish touch in thanksgiving.

i still haven't got to the turkey. to be continued.

Friday, November 26, 2010

a very crabby thanksgiving

i say, i really had a lot of crab. hwubby says, you must be kidding, you've had crabs enough for a year. look. i have the pic to show for it. look at the gigundo bowl of shimmering crabs next to the fifteen pound thanksgiving bird.

by the way that green patch on the bird's thigh is evidence of my seven-grader nephew byron's great and hard work as his dad's sous chef. he scrubs sage butter under the skin.

i digress. but it's hard not to when i am in stun and awe of this sublime thanksgiving banquet that tommy, my nephew, and his family spent a week and countless hours to plan and execute.

so, what about the crabs? the aroma is that of the fresh ocean and abundant earth merged into a grand harmony. i take a bite and i totally forget the principle of moderation. i'm determined not to leave a piece behind. in fact i keep licking fingers to make sure i suck up all the flavors. and what a spectacular flavor profile he has created. all right, so tommy, my cousin, has not invented the vietnamese way of making crab. but, in my humble, and, okay, maybe biased, opinion, he has perfected it. the foundation of butter and garlic is solid but not overpowering. how do i know? because the crabs at room temperature are not greasy. the garlic hums in the background like the eternal presence of the sacred resonance of om. the texture is smooth and moist. it has a bite, almost al dente, and yet, in a mysterious way, it feels buttery between teeth. peppery heat sparkle on the palate but not tongue-numbing. in fact it enhances the ethereal brininess which is a sure sign that the crabs are top quality material. there is so much life in each bite. there is not a drop of white wine in sight. only the intoxicating scent remains. just before turning off the high, high heat he drips in a teeny weeny bit of lemon. the touch of acid brightens the brininess the way a pinch of salt infuses freshness and lightness into sweetness. the moment he turns off the heat he showers plenty of finely chopped parsley over the creation. he says, this parsley brings everything together. i don't know why. i don't care. i just can't stop eating. i clean the bowl out.

it's surely a crabby thanksgiving. and it's superb.

anyway, as lord krishna says to arjuna in bhagavad gita, yoga is skill in action. from this perspective, that tommy is definitely a yogi.

to be continued...

Thursday, November 25, 2010

thanksgiving dream

i come out of a dream the night before thanksgiving. in a blink it disappears from my consciousness. i make an inner effort to stay quiet and still, both body and mind. the sound of the easy breath flows through my awareness. after a while the dream returns like cascades of gentle waves.

here it goes. hwubby and i are in usa for one day. i cram in as many spiritual activities as i can into the schedule. i pack a small glass container of food and a wallet that holds papers and money. then i have to pass through a crowded place to get the chanting venue. i emerge from the crowd only to find that i have lost both the money and food. the clock is ticking away. i am missing the chant. i start to cry and that's when i flip out of the dream. i find myself feeling safe. all that anxiety in the dream are...so unreal. what a reversal in the states.

happy thanksgiving. so much to be thankful for.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

connectedness. spiritual workout. twelve-step

of all the bad and negative emotions and feelings which is the most awful? for me it is loneliness. i am even feeling bursts of shame and embarrassment just becoming vaguely aware of the yucky things i did and said out of loneliness. anyway. last night as i sing om with fellow yogis in our regular gathering - i call it spiritual workout - very soon i hear my voice rising and ebbing with the group's sound. without any pre-arrangement we start a round at the same instant and enter the subtle resonance together. it's a great feeling. our inner selves merge into one conducting the flow of sound. the mind starts to look for a word to encapsulate it. it comes quickly. connectedness. then one insight flows out after another as i am carried aloft on this comforter of sacred sound. i am not alone. we come together as earnest seekers to help each other remember that. the outer connectedness shows me the way to connect with the inner self.

it helps too to have vito's pasta sauce made from home grown tomatoes and prepared in the real italian way.

then i recall a core operating principle of the twelve-step program. when people who truly want to make meaningful change come together we help each other to emerge from feeling isolated. little by little, over time, we reach out for support, guidance and, lo n behold, we see so much higher power already within us, always there, ready, willing and able to walk us step by step to become what we ought to be from where we are.

on the day before thanksgiving i feel so fortunate to have such abundant holy company. really, people who work hard on recovering their connection with higher power are great people to be with. and fun too. in their presence, each in his/her unique and wonderful way, i am reminded who and what i really am. above all, i no longer feel alone. and that is a priceless gift. thank you all.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

it's what spiritual work is all about

a trusted and respected aunt says, twelve-step program is my spiritual path, i have no other, i've been to meetings for twenty years. i don't know what to make of it. what i think i know what twelve-step program is doesn't match up with this kind and sweet woman who has no problem speaking her mind in a straightforward yet respectful manner. at that point i know some negative tendency is tainting the way i see twelve-step. arrogance. self-righteousness. so i decide i have to go to one to see that for myself.

what i see is stunning and awesome. week after week, for years, a group of men and women get together, create and sustain a safe and committed environment for sincere seekers to connect with higher power/god/inner self or whatever spiritual truth that rings true for that individual at that point in his/her journey. there is a framework that is articulated in a methodical, step-by-step manner and in plain english. my spiritual teacher says, to the effect, we walk on the path, each with his/her own pace, sometimes a person gets off the path but he/she can always get back on it. last night in a meeting i feel like that. it's a big group. there are people who've been on the path for seven or eight years. there is a woman who is here for the first time after being dealt a huge emotional and psychological blow a couple of days ago. i am there for the fourth time and still figuring out what i am. i am amazed by the depth and breadth in people's shares. one person says, what i discover is that it's not that i don't have erratic thoughts anymore but they are like this. he puts his thumb and forefinger just about touching each other to indicate what he means. wow. he nails it. that's what spiritual work is all about. knowing and exercising the power to turn towards the light of god instead of going with the darkness of erratic thoughts.

Monday, November 22, 2010

i am an avraham wannabee but i am more of a jacob

i want to walk with god. i aspire to be avraham. but in terms of the journey i am actually more of a jacob. indeed. i have lied. i have cheated. i have tried to bargain with god for my personal gains. in fact it's more like i want god to give me what i want in the way and manner i want when i want. i wrestle with god. but look at avraham. the one time he negotiates with god it's about saving a city of people from the wrath of god. but when god tells him to leave the land where he is born and raised and have a life, and later, to sacrifice his son he obeys. no questions asked. whenever god calls him he simply says, here i am. at eighty years old he undergoes circumcision because god says so. all the time he keeps his life affairs in order with integrity, respect, kindness and generosity. can i walk with god like that? i would hope and think i can but the truth of the matter is i am more of a jacob. as a unique individual i am deeply flawed and screwed. at the same time i have strong yearnings and experiences with the divine power that resides within me. i forget god quite a bit but i also have moments of remembering who and what i am and where god is. let me pray that as i steadily put in spiritual efforts and meditate regularly i would up the numbers of remembrance and shorten the intervals between forgetfulness. i know what to do to take me closer to god but in moments of choosing i often succumb to negative tendencies.

and so it is i come to accept that i am an israelite. one who wrestles with god.

Friday, November 19, 2010

contentment is what i am

i dreamed last night. now i realize it's about two tendencies. envy and jealousy. actually they are siblings. kind of twins. anyway, in the dream i'm with kar yan, a girl in my secondary school. she has a stable, nice family. her parents provide for the children and devote to their education and wellbeing. so there i am in my dream world. i am staying over at her place, a clean, bright, spacious apartment. that's heaven to me considering i live in a shack that has a leaky roof over a concrete floor on which everything take place. kar yan has long, shining, black hair that run like a waterfall. mine is short, curly and unwieldy. we are packing to go some place. her father helps her with the packing. i look at them and wish he is my father. so i don't realize i am pooping directly into the beautiful mocha color cashmere coat that i am wearing. i feel terribly embarrassed. inevitably i have to get up and get going, fully expecting i am making a fool of myself in front of everybody, only to see piles of jewels roll down the coat lining. at that moment i come out of the dream.

fortunately it doesn't take long for me to figure out what's going on. my sustained spiritual efforts elevate me to a vantage point where i can see the root cause of envy and jealousy. disconnecting from the inherent contentment that is my own nature.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

in the presence of a wonder-filled person

i never know where, when and how i receive a sublime, joyous learning experience. case in point. we are invited to dinner with a couple whom i have never met. i get into the back of the car from the passenger side. i see the man who is driving and the brim of the hat of the woman sitting in front of me. all this happen in the midst of a heavy storm during busy traffic in the dark in portland, oregon. o, yes, and my mind is all worked up about walking one and a half blocks from the parking lot to the restaurant in beaded slippers. so it isn't until i settle into a comfortable chair, look across the table and catch the sight of the woman removing her hat and... what do i see? before i know it i hear words streaming out of me. your head has a beautiful shape. it turns out this lady has a lot more than a gorgeous, shining head. she was diagnosed with stage four cancer. four years later she is still here, radiant and beaming. what a luminous smile she has. in a lighthearted and low key tone she says, in a way and manner that is naturally woven into an animated dinner conversation, that every year and a half she has to go through a chemo regimen. it has six sessions of five hour each. meanwhile she is a gardener, an active member in a gardening club, goes to tuscany to visit gardens and keeps her life affairs in order. she is not in denial about where she is. she is not stuck in it either. she is bright, smart and curious. a total delight to be with.

as i type this i realize i have come into the presence of a great and wonder-filled person. her inner light shines forth beautifully and brightly. in her company it is so easy to be in the present moment.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

enough is my nature

here's what i've come to believe. when i sit down with the intention to meditate whatever happens is meditation. so it is when i sit through today's session with a foggy mind humming with fatigue i choose to take an inner stance of the highest and innermost self is looking at mental clouds coming and going over the vast sky of pure consciousness. i see how i got the mind into this state. i've been up since five working through a bunch of things in a hotel room, making ginger water, chapati, chai, packing a day's worth of food and snack for hwubby and a business meeting, all before meditation and on an empty stomach. i have to do better tomorrow. since i can't meditate until hwubby leaves i have to have breakfast around seven and figure out meditation later.

do i feel i have a 'good enough' meditation today? you bet i do. i am enough and good enough. enough is my very inherent nature.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

almost spit chai on computer

in this morning's meditation a recurring word comes to me in a gentle and sweet way. judy. i don't need to scribble it down as i usually do with words that appear in meditation. i know exactly what it means. to email a dear, dear friend whose 94 yr old father transitioned a few days ago. before she leaves for the funeral i promise her to say kaddish for her father on sabbath morning with the rabbi and torah study people. it turns out to be a splendid, shining morning. the sun-filled, spacious room overflows with beautiful and bright people. the sound waves of the ancient hymn, that bonds innumerable generations that ever were, are and ever will be coming and going, flows through my entire being and all around me as they ripple out into everywhere in the universe touching my friend, her father and mother and all the wonderful relatives who have come. i am afloat in an expanse of sweet, quiet bliss.

so i come out of meditation thinking this is what i will write to my friend. i open the inbox and what do i see? an email from her. it ends with this, 'As I was listening to the earth hits the coffin, I could also hear my mother saying, "OK then, spicy food and coctails!"'

the surprise chuckle almost makes me spit chai on the computer. what a delightful person she is. and great too. she has been tirelessly serving her marriage for umpteen years. she is showing us how to live in the light and bliss of the present moment.

Monday, November 15, 2010

i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the breath

i know, i know, i want to be a liberated yogi and the hallmark sign of a liberated yogi is not to get worked up about anything and definitely not to react to thoughts and emotions. but for now i just couldn't help it. here's why. this morning there is a hotel charge $165.93 showing up on the credit card. turns out this charge is in the process of being refunded and is takes several days to happen. then there are two charges, $7.95 each. some sort of services to get you onto the web in airports. but hwubby doesn't remember giving credit card info for such services on that date. my point is this. the investor insists on our credit balance showing zero before they would fund the mortgage loan. on one hand i have no problem with that. on another hand this is a corporation that received tens of billions of federal bailout money. so somehow my mind just can't reconcile the two and keeps churning out reaction after reaction, emotion after emotion. really, the corporation gets a huge bailout. it turns around and squeeze responsible borrowers like us. i have outstanding credit score. i have demonstrated that i have been paying all the bills on time. yet the investor wouldn't accept anything other than zero balance, not even after i paid off the almost six thousand dollars of statement balance and another two thousand dollars of current balance. that's a matter of principle? fine. but what the heck is all that bailout money about? wasn't that against the free market principle?

in the end, as i type, i paid off the $181.83. but the mental turbulence is still going strong. i have to keep my eye on the goal. getting the loan through. i guess i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the movement of the easy breath until the mental torrent runs out of momentum. om namah shivaya.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

under test to stay in the present moment

this morning's meditation was pushed back and came to twenty minutes. here's why. we are refinancing our home. we have outstanding credit. we put everything on the credit card to get the miles and pay off the balance in full every month. it has been working swell. until now. as a condition to fund the loan the investor requires the credit card balance to be zero. meanwhile hwubby is doing business traveling. there's a hotel bill that is pending. it turns out it takes two to three days to post onto the balance after the charge is submitted. meanwhile the interest rate is down to the wire. the thought wave that consumes the mind is, what if the loan can't get funded, we're screwed, i wish.... as i go back and forth with hwubby who is returning a rental car on the way to an airport somewhere in virginia he says, you are so worked up. something in me surges to place a dam across the rush of resistance, resentment and defensiveness. i turn quiet. he says, go meditate. so i do. by that time i can meditate twenty minutes because i don't want to miss torah study with my rabbi.

as i settle into the natural movement of the easy breath i begin to experience a subtle shift in the way i look at the fast-evolving situation. 'what if the loan can't get funded' is a thought, a riff of mental activity. 'we're screwed' is a reaction on that initial thought. 'i wish...' is a reaction on the reaction. and so on and so forth. blah blah blah. following this thought wave takes me away from the inner self, out of the present moment and i can't see what i need to see. as my breath becomes a little deeper and a little longer with each breath i receive this message from within. stay focused on what you can do in the present moment and see what happens.

i come out of meditation, make chai, arranges a ride to torah study, arranges to pay the credit balance as it is. meanwhile hwubby has got the hotel to work on retracting the charge and accepting payment on the debit card. it's the best we can do for now. i'll check in with the credit card people tomorrow and see what happens. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

doubting, second-guessing are spiritual killers

just one thought could rock the inner boat. case in point. we signed a bunch of important papers in the morning. it was the culmination of two months of hard work and masterminding. i felt tremendous relief. until in the afternoon when i caught myself already in a thought wave of doubting and second-guessing. i should have...what if i didn't... there was a time when i would be so caught up in it that this broken record was stuck in the mind for days and weeks. this time around i catch myself looking at it and the power of sustained spiritual efforts lift my perception to a higher vantage point. an inner message appears. this is not you. drop it and forget about it. so i summon the will and intention to kick them out into the field of pure consciousness. i keep doing it for a little while like scrubbing hard stains on the kitchen floor. i take a pause and scan the inner state. the negative thought wave is much weaker than before. it is now a lingering whisper hovering in the far horizons of awareness.

very soon after i settle into this morning's meditation i experience this message. meditation reveals my worthiness. it is pure. my own greatness is unaffected by anything. i feel this surge of strength from deep within the belly. with that i notice the inbreaths becoming even deeper and the outbreaths longer. just like that i relax into my own mystical world.  my own grace draws grace. great things happen. i see grace absorbing all that negative tendency. the mental mirror is a little clearer and cleaner.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

triumphant return of chapati

after four weeks of liquid diet and another month of roasted sooji (wheat germ), all because of difficult healing after extensive gum surgery, hwubby says, can i have chapati? i say, you bet, how about with spiced milk? he says, sure. fresh chapati, which i like to refer to as indian matza, sprinkled with ajwain and cumin seeds and topped with home-made ghee, is truly a taste in heaven. a nurturing, invigorating aroma fills the entire being as well as the kitchen. hwubby says, what hwubby is so fortunate to have fresh chapati every morning but me? he's right. and what about the spiced milk? besides adding spices for various purposes it involves a cup of milk and four cups of water boiling down to one cup. turmeric and saffron turn it into gentle molten gold. hwubby always saves me a little of each and then laid them out on beautiful china for me. absolutely food fit for an empress.

i'm not self-congratulatory but i have to say, such bread and milk truly look deceptively simple, it takes subtle skills and sustained attention, it is yoga.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

love my fellow yogis

back to doing spiritual practices with fellow yogis after a two-month absence. love it. the eight of us pour our whole being into the practices, be it chanting a vedic hymn or singing om or meditating or...eating. about singing om. this time i consciously shift the note after several rounds. as i rise to a higher note i hear waves of beautiful harmonics sweeping into my consciousness. our individual sounds come together. mystical alchemy happens. blossoms of grand resonance appear, sustain and dissolve in a comforting rhythm. soon i experience no difference between the resonance outside of me and the reverberation within me. i am filled with waves of sweet and spectacular resonance. i hear my own resonance pulsing through my entire being while the vast symphonic sound undulates everywhere in my awareness.

and then shivaa feeds us to beautiful, pure food. a bowl of azuki bean soup permeating shittake aroma gently fills the belly with yummy nourishment. a dollop of fresh whip cream, infused with maple syrup and vanilla, over upside down apple pie provides the perfect sweet note to satisfy the body and mind. i love my fellow yogis. we check in with each other on our spiritual wellbeing. we don't gossip but we support each other's spiritual growth. we pray together in one voice with one intention.

i couldn't be happier to be back with them. love my fellow yogis.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

let the mental cloud pass

hwubby says, meditation is so beneficial. i say, how so? he says, it reminds me of who's who and what's what. he absolutely nails it. he goes on to say, in the last hour i notice how a thought can turn into worry and anxiety and i don't have to do that. i say, that's what sages mean when they say, don't go there. he says, yeah, i am seeing more and more what the scripture says is true, you're neither this nor that. i say, that's right, you're neither worry, nor anxiety, nor 'no worry, no anxiety,' you are quite simply light, consciousness and bliss. he says, yeah, it's like the thought is a screen between me and god, my higher self, inner self, whatever i call it, or a cloud, and the cloud will pass and i can push the screen from right to left.

hey, power to hwubby.

Monday, November 8, 2010

eighteen years of efforts pay off

i say, i am exhausted. hwubby says, you are exhausperated. i say, what? he says, exhausted and exasperated. he's right. i've been on crisis mode 24/7 for one and a half months straight. now even though there are aftershocks and devastation to deal with the main quake is, i can safely say, over. so, yes, i am exhausted. what about 'exasperated?' i haven't yet reflected closely the entire arc of twists and turns. but what comes to me now is, among other opportunities, this has been unbroken practice on acceptance. i have to say this is not my strength. not thus far. there's a deeply rooted tendency to wish things different, to reject, to resist. yet the unfolding circumstances demand me to face them as they are because they are utterly out of my control. now i could have thrown in the towel. here's where eighteen years of putting in steady, sweet efforts pay off. again and again i experience this surge of inner spiritual force lifting me in moments of immense difficulty and apparent impossibility. i recall vividly saying to myself over and over, whatever i have to go through, whatever i have to lose on the outside my inner self, my own greatness, remains full, pure and luminous. and i so i find myself choosing to go toward light with relative ease. i say 'relative' because the residual pattern of 'refusing to accept what it is as it is' keeps nagging me and gnawing at me though it is only a weak whisper, not strong enough to engulf me. not anymore. as a matter of fact i chuckle as i recall something that happened a couple of weeks ago. hwubby says, i'm glad you find it funny. i do. now that's real progress. it means i am in touch with the unchanging bliss of my own self.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

i have a vast collection of spectacular jewels

i come to awake this morning into a space and state of thankfulness. and an expansive feeling of quiet contentment that is pulsing with the sense 'wow. i am alive.'

in meditation i hear this, the major earthquake is abating, there'll be aftershocks, there are devastation like the tensions accumulated in your body. before i share this with hwubby, he says, i have a feeling the storm is passing.

indeed. and this too shall pass. and all this is grace. as i type this i see, in inner vision, a lapis lazuli in all its azure blue glory sprinkled sparely with golden sparks. i have such a vast collection of spectacular jewels and they go wherever i go.

Friday, November 5, 2010

i am the crown jewel of all that i have

here's another teaching dream. this one goes like this. i'm sitting at a dressing table. mother is sitting next to me. all around me are people all dressed and bejeweled. i pull out the drawer in front of me. it is filled with jewelry. gold. jade. diamond. i take in the scene around me, feeling enough and contented. mother is saying, in a nagging way, wear it, wear it. i look at the glammed up people around me and look at all that i have in the drawer and think to myself in a calm and relaxed way, do i need to wear it? no. do i want to wear it? no. at that point i wake up.

as i share the dream with my study partner it dawns on me that i am the crown jewel of all that i have.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

where the higher self dwells

until i hear myself howling in pain on chiropractor's table when her thumbs are pressing into the left shoulder i have no idea how much tension i have accumulated in the body. no wonder i've been receiving messages from within in meditations saying, go back to sleep. as i contemplate on it i realize what's going on is this. i've been on crisis mode, heightened adrenaline state, pretty much 24/7 for a month and a half. it is said that the sleeping state is where one can really let go of it and allow grace to come through. coming to see this helps bring my awareness to the way the breath is naturally moving in and out of me. coming in deep. going out long. staying in the present moment where the higher self dwells.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

teaching dream

one nice dream after another. two in one night. my teacher comes in the latter one. i am sitting at a big, round table at the back of an expansive hall with people. we are kind of shooting breeze, very laid back. i see my teacher. she is walking in a steady gait across the hall, sort of from my right to left. as she gets closer to me i see three dolls tucked into her backpack and she is in walking shoes. i say, have a nice walk. she beams, comes to the table, and starts talking to us. she pauses behind each person momentarily. as she gets closer and closer to me i feel more and more self-conscious. i can't hear what she is saying. it seems that she is saying nice things to other people. soon after coming out of the dream i realize it's the residual tendency to feel inadequate, worthless and comparing with others.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

2 versions of serenity prayer

hwuby and i have started a new thing. before going to sleep and upon coming awake we say the serenity prayer, in two versions. here goes the alternative version:

god, grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cannot change
the courage to change the one i can
and the wisdom to know that's me.

and the more i recite the original version the more i am blown away by its inclusive compassion and transcendent wisdom. it truly crosses race, religion, culture, gender and any barrier i can imagine. listen to this.

god, grant me the serenity
to accept what i cannot change
the courage to change what i can
and the wisdom to know the difference

i feel so fortunate to be in this country where there are so many ways to know god. none excludes another. in fact, my experience is that i am soaking up the greatness in the 12-step program like a sponge because of the eighteen years of efforts in practicing 'god dwells within me as me.'

Monday, November 1, 2010

a girl can always use a beauty rest:)

this morning's meditation is nice and sweet. the column of golden lights that runs from the base of spine to the crown of head is bright and strong. yet no sooner than i begin to come out of easy lotus posture i receive this message from within, crystal clear, go back to sleep. it makes total sense. in the last couple of days i have been sensing this general exhaustion in my entire being. i'm not a medical doctor so i don't have the technical knowhow to articulate it but, hey, a girl can always use a beauty rest. and when i wake up a few hours later i definitely feel a tight know loosened up deep within. put it simply. i feel better.