step back. he didn't ask for my help.

i get out of bed in pitch dark. hwubby is already up. i am giving him a morning kiss when i see that he is entering some data that i have done already the day before. it occurs to me that this is not necessary. i begin to show him the alternative pathway. some back and forth later i am standing next to his computer knee deep in helping him to figure out how to do a data transfer. well, of course i don't think i sound short and brusque. but there he is, saying, don't get impatient with me, i didn't ask for your help. wo. part of me is more than ready to snap back. then the essence of my guru's words take hold of my breath and thought.

the tests come in many forms.
sometimes they strike like lightning.
sometimes they are as sharp as a million needles.
and sometimes they come cloaked in absolute numbness.
what is needed at all times is full faith and surrender.


mentally i step back. i breathe in, a deep one. i say, i'm so sorry i got you so upset..

indeed. he is right. he didn't ask for my help. and i didn't keep my eye on the ball. as i gently return attention again and again to that elusive yet vast space between breaths i see an old tendency. easily get distracted and pulled out of the present.

qualities of my own true nature

subtle breakthrough. about half a day into the meditation retreat i notice something. i don't think i would have if the mind is not so quiet and the body so relaxed. and it's actually the absence of a dug-in tendency. the melancholy that the retreat will come to an end. i am amazed beyond word and measure as i watch how the body is calm and poised. throughout the two days i notice the restlessness and soreness that usually start gnawing at the joints and legs after a few meditation sessions are simply not there. the inner sky is by and large clear and sunny. every now and then i notice thoughts and emotions that are like cotton-candy clouds. as i type this i don't even recall what they are about. doesn't matter. i just return attention to the nice and natural flow of the breath and the divine song within it. before i know it i am not even aware of those mental clouds.

where am i? yes, the breakthrough. i realize i am more anchored in the understanding that this quiet mind and relaxed body are the qualities of my own true nature. all that i revel so much in the retreat are to guide me to connect deeper with what i already have, to cultivate the awareness that i am not this thought, not that memory. my happiness only depends on how connected i am to my great self. here's the kick. when i am consciously connected to my great self i can see how much joy there is in my life. what about this one? hwubby. last night he walks through the door in his bike helmet and waves of bliss overcome me. he really brings yummy joy to my heart. and if i am all caught up in anxiety and anguish that there's no retreat the next day i wouldn't be able to taste it so good.

by what light do we see in dream?

there's a recurring meditation experience that i have been trying to put it into words. actually it's also something about dreams as well. since i have to start somewhere, and, by the way, isn't it true of anything we have to take care of and we don't quite know where to begin, just start somewhere, do something, right now. anyhow. let me try. i meditate in darkness. i even blindfold the eyes. so how comes in the world of closed eyes, i sense, or, more accurately, see, with the closed eyes, this darkness with such luminosity? take this morning, for instance, the moment i close the eyes, there's this incredible expanse of greenish-white brilliance shining over the physical darkness. it's like i am looking at the darkness through a spotlight that is larger than the inner being. meanwhile i am aware of the contours and confines of the physical body. yet the inner being and this field of light don't seem to have any limits. so is this light in the body? or is the body immersed in this light? at this point, the mind can't take it. it says, too much. so i let the thought thread pause at this one. i go to sleep in darkness. so by what lights do i see those vibrant colors, vivid shapes and forms in dreams? where do all those lights in the dream world come from?

for the remainder of the meditation i just revel in the deliciousness of the easy breath which, by the way, is naturally deepening and lengthening. as i sense i am emerging like a diver coming up gradually from the ocean depths i hear this. the light of pure awareness. bingo. that's it. in those moments i am in touch with the light of pure consciousness by which physical darkness is illumined and dreams are lit up. and i own all of that. wow. 

residual tendency is like bamboo roots

my editor says, i want you to feel really, really free, you don't have to be clear, you will eventually get there. her words shine a light on another of my deep-rooted habitual tendency. fear of getting lost.

really. i thought i already got over that one. so it is very frustrating to realize that there are still remnants hanging around the mind. then a true experience comes to me. when we bought the house there were bamboos in the yard. we knew nothing about bamboos. it looked nice as it was. so we let it be. then, one day, after several years, i was alarmed to notice some bamboo shoots above ground across the pebble path separating the bamboo pad and the flower bed in the back center of the yard. hwubby immediately called his buddy whose wife owned a bamboo nursery. she said, this kind of bamboo have roots that run, literally. we had a barrier put in exactly according to her instructions. when it was all done she said, suk wah, there will still be bamboo shoots appearing above ground in the coming seasons. i said, what can i do to stop it? she said, keep your eyes open, nib them as soon as you catch them. i said, how long will it go on like that? she said, it's going to be a while. well, it's been another several years. i am still spotting bamboo tendrils.

why am i remembering this right now? aaaah. because deeply-rooted habits and patterns are like bamboo roots. i have worked to eliminate the bulk of it but remnants remain. the only way to take care of them is to be vigilant and nib them in the bud as soon as i am aware of them. what does 'nib them in the bud' mean? for me it is returning attention to the sound and movement of the easy breath. that is the sure and guaranteed way for me to reconnect with the inner self which is pure and free, the source of all creative sparks.

i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the breath

i know, i know, i want to be a liberated yogi and the hallmark sign of a liberated yogi is not to get worked up about anything and definitely not to react to thoughts and emotions. but for now i just couldn't help it. here's why. this morning there is a hotel charge $165.93 showing up on the credit card. turns out this charge is in the process of being refunded and is takes several days to happen. then there are two charges, $7.95 each. some sort of services to get you onto the web in airports. but hwubby doesn't remember giving credit card info for such services on that date. my point is this. the investor insists on our credit balance showing zero before they would fund the mortgage loan. on one hand i have no problem with that. on another hand this is a corporation that received tens of billions of federal bailout money. so somehow my mind just can't reconcile the two and keeps churning out reaction after reaction, emotion after emotion. really, the corporation gets a huge bailout. it turns around and squeeze responsible borrowers like us. i have outstanding credit score. i have demonstrated that i have been paying all the bills on time. yet the investor wouldn't accept anything other than zero balance, not even after i paid off the almost six thousand dollars of statement balance and another two thousand dollars of current balance. that's a matter of principle? fine. but what the heck is all that bailout money about? wasn't that against the free market principle?

in the end, as i type, i paid off the $181.83. but the mental turbulence is still going strong. i have to keep my eye on the goal. getting the loan through. i guess i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the movement of the easy breath until the mental torrent runs out of momentum. om namah shivaya.

a girl can always use a beauty rest:)

this morning's meditation is nice and sweet. the column of golden lights that runs from the base of spine to the crown of head is bright and strong. yet no sooner than i begin to come out of easy lotus posture i receive this message from within, crystal clear, go back to sleep. it makes total sense. in the last couple of days i have been sensing this general exhaustion in my entire being. i'm not a medical doctor so i don't have the technical knowhow to articulate it but, hey, a girl can always use a beauty rest. and when i wake up a few hours later i definitely feel a tight know loosened up deep within. put it simply. i feel better.

the sky of the inner self is o so sweet

meditate the entire day in whites. what a great thing to do after 11 days roaming coast to coast, city to city, kitchen to kitchen, enjoying the variety of people. no sooner than i sit down than all my concerns about whether i could sit on the floor for extended periods of time after meditating lying down for days are gone. the body gladly settles into a solid, stable easy lotus and there i stay with sublime, sweet contentment. i realize i am looking at the sky of the inner self. the outer sky is as vast and open as the inner one. and just like clouds of all shapes and sizes appear, move and dissipate in the sky clouds of mental activity do the same routine in the inner sky. in fact  a lot of times they come and go so fast that i can't even make out what the contents of these mental meteors are. and it doesn't bother me. i don't chase after clouds. i keep gazing into the sky. as the day of meditation unfolds i realize i'm witnessing sublime alchemy taking place within me. steady, subtle sweetness are being released into all the joints, tissues, ligaments of the body, the entire lake of the mind. hwubby takes a look at me at the end of the day and says, you look so refreshed. give credit where credit is due. i was so tired the night before after a day of schlepping and traveling that i was about to give up on the meditation event. but hwubby says, you have to go. so i do. thank you, hwubby.

inner self is the best planner

planned to be in tahoe for 3 days. ended up 10 days. i'm not complaining. it's a heavenly place and i made progress with the rewrites. having said that i am aware of the piles of worldly tasks that await. so in this morning's meditation i have to really summon that thing called willpower, which comes from the inner self, to pull back attention from being sucked into worrying and anxious thoughts. after a while i am settled into the flow of the sound of the easy breath while watching the mental activity come and go. the outbreaths are so long and deep and releasing. each exhalation takes away a little more of the worrying tendency that is based in the sense of separateness from the inner self. i emerge from meditation knowing i am in a calm state, my true state. the body is relaxed. i see what task needs to be taken care in this moment. preparations for spiced milk, tea, lamb bone soup. as i am mortaring the spices and chopping ginger i see the essential to-do for the two weeks ahead. solid and clear. this is effortless planning.

i feel much better. thanks so much, my inner self. you're the best planner.

meditaton keeps the lake of mind calm and clear

my inner self never ceases to amaze me. case in point. there is a person i need to reconnect. it turns out that the phone numbers and email address that i have are no good anymore. it was someone i knew at my old workplace and the workplace doesn't exist anymore either. so after a few frazzled moments i decide to do what i know how to do. i breathe in and out deep and long for a little while. the message from within is unmistakable. i will find her. the power of conviction calms me down. i watch the worry and anxiety huffing and puffing and dissipating instead of letting them tearing my mind in ten thousand directions.

fast forward several days later. at some point in meditation when i have no expectation about it whatsoever. i am just reveling in the sweet and easy breath and the soothing resonance humming through the vast consciousness when i hear one word loud and clear. livermore. i know right away what it means. i write it down while holding my meditation state in place.

later, when it comes time to take care of business, i key in the person's name and 'livermore' and...google. a phone number shows up. i call, leave a message. less than a day later i got a voice message from this person. after taking care of business she says, how do you know my home number? i say, the last time we spoke you told me you were moving to livermore. she says, i did? i don't remember, i don't tell people where i live. indeed. i don't usually ask people where they live either. somehow the question popped out of me and this piece of data got stored somewhere in my consciousness, like a coin at the bottom of a lake. once i can get the lake to be calm and clear i can see the coin when i need to see it.

that's what meditation can do. to keep the lake of mind calm and clear. so i can hear the message from the inner self and see what i need to see.

meditation and wheat-free-gluten-free brownies

meditation is so fascinating and exciting. really. there i am enjoying the lovely sound of the easy breath flowing through a comfortable posture when i feel this longing to....make brownies. almost instantaneously i see limiting thoughts rear their heads. no baking chocolates. no cocoa powder. no double boiler. it's a crisis moment. seriously. if it were not for the cumulative effect of the practices i would have gone bananas. seriously. because i would have been sucked into the stormy mental weather. instead, i make conscious efforts to turn attention to the divine humming sound in the breathing movement. soon i hear a message from within. you have what it takes. you know what to do. in another couple of rounds of breath i go a little deeper and higher within. where the source of courage and strength is.

fast forward to after meditation. i feel a gentle prompting from within to go dig deep into the pantry. i follow it. and so it is way in the back behind and underneath provisions i see a small ziplock bag of 4 unsweetened baking choc squares and a few spoonfuls of premium cocoa powder in a can. just enough for a batch of brownies.

as for the double boiler i look at what i have in terms of pots and pans, play around with a few things and discover a small saucepan that has a lip. i place it over a small pot. there i have it. an adorable double boiler.

my wheat-free, gluten-free brownies are...dare i say, sublime. i can't help but amaze at myself:) i mean, the inner self.

even good insights can take me away from being with the self

it never ceases to amaze me what i can see that i didn't see before when the mind is immersed in the quiet and clarity of the inner self. case in point. a while back i received the response regarding a proposal i made. it was a 'no.' since then i moved on.

so there i am meditating away in robust, dynamic contentment, my awareness aloft in the divine humming flowing through the easy breath and, voom, i see it. i see where that 'no' was coming from. it was a justifiable 'no' given the circumstances at that point in time. but between then and now things have changed. and so, if needs be, i can go back to the person and ask for reconsideration.

then the real challenge rears its head. i can feel excitement roar and thunder. along with it agitation and restlessness in the body and mind, like, i can't wait to write this all down, tell hwubby all about it, and so on and so forth. all pushing the mind to keep going with more thoughts and feelings. very tempting indeed. it is in such a moment that i really appreciate the cumulative efforts i've been putting in to anchor my awareness in the true purpose of meditation. to be with the inner self. no more. no less. having insights that guide me in worldly affairs is fine but i have to keep my eye on the ball. or else even good and helpful insights can, in the end, take me away from the real goal. to realize i am the inner self. no more. no less.

there's no place i'd rather be on tuesdays.

several times today i drop out of aum-ing and into the inner world of exquisite silence. i see no outer edges, no bottom. there's the feeling that i can go as deep and high as i can into the source of joy within. by the time i utter the last round of aum my awareness is thoroughly reveling in the tenderly sweet movement and sound of the easy breath.

without a doubt i know this is the spillover effect from doing the practices with my spiritual buddies last evening. there we were sitting in the comforts of shivaa's divine house anad chanting the sacred text from vedas, the same scripture that prince siddhartha heard the brahmins chanting in the palace. every syllable throbs powerfully with pure kindness in my entire being. there's phenomenal alchemy in chanting holy text with dedicated yogis. the collective power of pure intention helps me to connect a little stronger with the supreme self which is no different from my inner self. riding on the waves of sublime resonance that transcends the linear passage of time the self of me and the buddha are one.

the spread of food that shivaa prepared was yummy scriptures. the salad, with greens all from her garden, enhanced all that holy power we gathered from the chant prior. with a touch of fennel, arugula, mango chunks, roasted cashew and golden raisins, my stomach is full and light all at once. i'm like, hey, i can meditate and chant all night, let's go. she made this super-duper spring soup out of shittake broth throwing in fresh corn, finely shredded carrot, rice and turmeric. my soul is nourished and afloat in golden glory. and what about the cilantro pecan dip? what a delightful surprise to the palate. the flavor profile sweeps from clean, refreshing to rich, nutty. i love it. it really got me going for the meditation and chants to come.

last, but not the least, we were amidst shivaa's 200 wildly blooming roses. paradise out there somewhere? nope. it's right here.

i am truly fortunate to be in such marvelous company. there's no place i'd rather be on tuesdays.