drinking oil. wonder oil. mantra. japa.

photo by sonia

i have to confess. even after twenty years i really didn't have much of a relationship with the mantra om namah shivaya. until i was about to drink 180 ml of medicated sesame oil at 6.30 am on jan 1, 2013. the truth of the matter is i have always felt more naturally connected to the mantra Hamsa. fortunately my guru is totally okay with that. anyway there i am staring down into the cup of golden oil.  all i know is i am at a forkroad. either i am going to throw up or.....it is at that moment that quietly and suddenly om namah shivaya arises within. strong and clear. in another fraction of a moment i see within my guru's beaming face. we are eye to eye. i feel this surge of fearlessness steadily fill me up. i know exactly what to do. quietly i say om namah shivaya. i take a gulp. another round of mantra. another gulp. and so on and so forth. until cup is empty and my being is filled with pure golden oil and pure golden mantra.

two days later my sadhana study buddy emailed me the new year message from shri guru. what else but....mantra japa. and the mantra to focus on this year is...drum roll.... om namah shivaya.

i have to say that was such an 'ego massage' moment. i was seriously congratulating myself for being so tuned in. :)

all self-praising aside, ever since then my heart has been gushing with love for om namah shivaya. fresh love. sweet love. i would find myself loudly saying it and it is in sync with whatever emotion that is going thru me. i say om namah shivaya in an angry tone. i say om namah shivaya in a questioning tone. i say om namah shivaya in a 'whatever' tone. in a frustrated tone. in a happy tone. i say it anywhere. when i am waving flame in temple. when i am doing grocery, picking out mango and carrot. when i am drinking decaf - no, ayurveda doesn't say you shouldn't eat this or drink that, what the ancient text says is if you can digest it you can eat anything in moderation once in a while. om namah shivaya to the ancient rishis and my doctorji who follows the texts to the dots and tees, which, by the way, is why i love vaidyagrama so much.  doctorji's mantra is,'we only do what the text says.'

back from detour, suk wah. what am i talking about? o yes, the mantra om namah shivaya and snehapana, drinking oil. the mind would never be able to figure out the mechanism by which going thru this major panchakarma treatment would get me to the place of enjoying mantra repetition. but, hey, i don't know exactly how electricity works either. i can still enjoy the benefits of it. to me this is what panchkarma is about, clearing the way for me to plug into the source of divine love. let that sublime electric current flow thru me. by the way, a facebook friend says, wonder oil it is. he's right. this, ta-da, is the wonder oil treatment.  It unveils the light of the mantra. om namah shivaya

photo by nat

me ever fresh, ever new, ever young

without a doubt i have a beautiful life. but if i really had to say, if only i could and would, i would say i want to live the life of this seven year old. he is living and studying with a distinguished brahmin priest, vivek godbole. all day long he recites hymns from the vedas, the over five thousand year old indian scriptures. in between he milks cows and plays. i watch him in a study session. along with other students he sits cross-legged on the floor. an instructor walks back and forth. the students recite the mantras out loud. from these tender young vocal cords flow out these ancient sounds that shine bright and vibrant. every so often the instructor would gesture one student to recite on his own. the fresh, happy voice moves and melts my heart.

i may not have mastered the perfect pronunciation of the mantras. i probably will never be able to memorize a long mantra the way this little kid will be able to do in a few years. yet when i wave the flame to the great gurus who show me the way to my own flame within, i hear my own voice, fresh and young, rising within. i feel that part of me, that essence, that is ever new, ever fresh, ever young, shining and singing. it is my great good fortune that i was able to capture some of it on video. every time i watch it i am reminded how bright and beautiful i can be and ought to be, how fearless i am.

step back. he didn't ask for my help.

i get out of bed in pitch dark. hwubby is already up. i am giving him a morning kiss when i see that he is entering some data that i have done already the day before. it occurs to me that this is not necessary. i begin to show him the alternative pathway. some back and forth later i am standing next to his computer knee deep in helping him to figure out how to do a data transfer. well, of course i don't think i sound short and brusque. but there he is, saying, don't get impatient with me, i didn't ask for your help. wo. part of me is more than ready to snap back. then the essence of my guru's words take hold of my breath and thought.

the tests come in many forms.
sometimes they strike like lightning.
sometimes they are as sharp as a million needles.
and sometimes they come cloaked in absolute numbness.
what is needed at all times is full faith and surrender.


mentally i step back. i breathe in, a deep one. i say, i'm so sorry i got you so upset..

indeed. he is right. he didn't ask for my help. and i didn't keep my eye on the ball. as i gently return attention again and again to that elusive yet vast space between breaths i see an old tendency. easily get distracted and pulled out of the present.

sweetness and contentment in strong, bold flavors

two hours meditation today. what happens. nothing much, i guess. i just think of my guru, my grand-guru, my great-grand-guru and it is so sweet. i know they are right here with me. i am totally aware of my upright and steady posture, the humming quiet of pre-dawn and the ocean waves in the easeful flow of my breath. the mind is suffused with sweet contentment. the tasks and troubles of life are like misty images flowing on a movie screen.  and then i realize life itself is sweetness and contentment. once i see that i can approach task and troubles as they are. sweetness and contentment in strong, vibrant and bold flavors. hey, sometimes the heat is off the charts. i know how that feels when tongue is burning, hot tears overflowing, the entire body is sizzling with excitement.

as my guru says, if the doorframe is low, then bend your head and walk through it, if the sword is brandished before you, lower your head, otherwise misfortune will result.


life is teaching me all the time how to be anchored in that place where i can be confident and humble all at once. and that place is none other than my own true nature.

rejoicing in life. shaktipat intensive

there's so much to rejoice in life. that said, the top fave part of my day, any day, without exception, is...drum roll please...sitting in my meditation closet and roaming in the worlds of my heart, where my true nature dwells. really. through the lens of physical universe i am doing nothing, just sitting quietly, eyes closed. speaking of nothing, a gorgeous story comes to mind. it's from the upanishards. chandogya upanishards, i think. a piece of dialogue between father and son, who also are guru and disciple. in the finale of the dialogue father says, break open that seed. son obeys. father says, what do you see? son says, nothing. father says, ah, from this nothing, a tree grows into its fullness. and that's the underlying experience day in and day out in meditation, i mean, in my meditations. that experience of nothingness and fullness all at once. in that experience everything in life is shining with beautiful lights, golden lights. now, that said, the most exquisite of all beautiful, golden lights reside in my own heart. this is no longer something i read in scriptures. i own it. this sublime miracle would not have taken place had i not received shaktipat initiation through the grace of a siddha guru in a shaktipat intensive nineteen years ago. since then i have taken many more intensives. without exception everyone takes me deeper and higher into my own self. i emerge from each and every intensive a little more anchored in my own true nature and see yet more to rejoice in life. in another three days i get to be in another shaktipat intensive. how fortunate i am.

http://www.siddhayoga.org/shaktipat-intensive

breakthrough. shubh mahasamadhi.

for several months clara, my spiritual study partner, and i really didn't quite see how we could fulfill the goal of memorizing breakthrough, a four page poem by the end of 2011. for a start, hwubby was hit by a taxi on 1/8/2011. i was zigzagging across the country for a bit. then something else in clara's professional life. then this. then that. if it was not one thing, it was another. i think we didn't have our weekly study session for a couple of months. in the months we could meet, we had to skip this week and that week. i have to confess it has occurred to me more than once that since all things inevitably end maybe this is one of those given we have had a good run of four years. that said i never give up. neither does clara. we seize whatever session we manage to make happen. we stick with our plan. and then there are some verses that the mind has a hard time to wrap around, like,

everything that happened
begot the self-denial
which led to the knowledge of the self.


all that said. and now, here we are. one week before the mahasamadhi shaktipat intensive in honor of our grand-guru's physical passing, we find ourselves in the last two lines of the poem.

then life knows what you are.
and you know what life is.


i say to clara, this is dessert.

in the last couple of days two lines in the previous verse keep rising in the mental horizon.

the most exquisite of all breakthroughs
is to pass beyond the death zone of your ignorance.


yes, indeed. all those thoughts that say to the effect of i can't finish this, there's no way i can't do it, i just don't see how this can turn out fine, are really death thoughts. they are ghosts cloaked in veil of separateness. so long as i am anchored in my own true nature and hold the understanding that the guru is none other than my innermost and highest self i can see life in completely different lights. really, life is that which gets me closer to god. and that is what sacrifice is all about. coming close to. to the degree that i am willing to come close to being my great self the wave of grace takes me across the seemingly uncrossable stormy sea of life.

happy jewish new year. sweetness.

happy jewish new year. l'shana tova. may this year continue to bring abundant sweetness to everyone's hearts. may this sweetness flow out into the universe. may we have the courage, clarity to experience the sweetness manifested in the universe in infinite ways. may we have the eye to see the sweetness streaming our way and receive it with an open heart and mind.

my rabbi says, high holidays is the time for incredible transformation if you choose to put in the spiritual efforts. sweet efforts that will bear sweet fruit. question. what is something good in my life this past year? i close my eyes, aloft in the hauntingly beautiful traditional melody. what do i see? hwubby hit by a taxi. really. seriously. what a jolt. it kicks out all mental chatter and anchor me in the present moment. i realize how much i love him and he me. next to a thunderous lightning such as this all other noises pale. i share this with the person next to me. she says, yeah, you see what's really important.

as i type this i recall my guru's words.
the tests come in many forms.
sometimes they strike like lightning.


indeed. some mental tendencies are like bamboo roots. extremely difficult to completely root out on my own. sometimes it does take the sword of lightning grace to go at it. then the sweetness of my own true nature can break through and shine.

happiness generator. doggie.

i am not a dog person but i have to say this one really tugs my heart. look. i walk into the rabbi's house for torah study. what catches my eye before the rabbi's beaming, welcoming presence? a caramel-gold bundle wiggles on the floor, partly hidden behind the couch. turns out it's his new dog. a four month old golden labradoodle. i wish i could take a photo of him standing on hind legs, placing the front ones on the rabbi's thigh while the rabbi is singing the praises of yhvh. his eyes can be barely seen from underneath the soft gold fur. his wet tongue practically swinging and swaying in sync with the rhythm of the rabbi's singsong prayer. i can picture this sweetie having his own yamulke and tzizit. my rabbi is one of those rare beings who knows his life purpose and utterly comfortable in his own being. having said that i can see this little puppy brings a special flavor of joy to his heart. i say as much. he says, yes, he is a happiness generator.

and that brings to my mind another lovely happiness generator. true story. this person had to move. the circumstance was such that she couldn't take her dog. so she prayed, please let me find a place for her, the right place. nothing happened. nothing seemed to be working out.

the moving date was drawing near. she kept praying. one day while she was walking the dog a couple and their child appeared from around the corner. the child saw the dog and cried, doggie, doggie. the parents looked at the dog like they just ran into god. the long and short of it was their child was autistic and had not uttered a sound since birth. until this 'doggie' moment. need i say more about how the story ended? and that brings to mind some words from my guru. what's needed at all times is full faith and surrender. 

dirt cheap.

here's one mental habit that is really hard to root out. how about calling it 'replay-what-if syndrome.' a couple of days ago a situation that has been unfolding for a while suddenly takes an expected turn. i don't like it. by the way this 'i like it, i don't like it' thing' can really take me away from anchoring in the state of cool and calm which are the pillar attributes of my great self. so there i am. i don't like the way things are turning out. boom. before i am aware of it, the mind is like this color wheel on the screen when it keeps spinning but nothing happens. nothing is moving forward. something is stuck. it's kind of like that with my mind. what if i did this? what if i didn't do that? i should have said this. i shouldn't have said that. on and on. fortunately the cumulative power of practices give me a kick in the butt. come on, suk wah. this is not who you are. oops. so i take a deep breath, and on the outbreath decides to turn around. immediately a question comes up. what am i supposed to learn from this? just like that the stuck spinning wheel turns int a river of contemplation. i am back in the present. meanwhile the old habit tries one more time and criticizes, look what price you had to pay. right away a response springs forth. whatever the price, it's dirt cheap.

hey, now i recall something really precious. a story about 'dirt cheap.' it's one of those delightful and profound teaching stories that my guru often tell. i never tire of hearing it. let's see if i can tell it and do it justice.

here it goes.

a poor farmer has several daughters. they are beautiful and ripe for marriages. but the father cannot afford any dowry. in his desperation out of love for his daughters he remembers this guru who has many devotees. they always come for the guru's darshan bearing gifts. the farmer goes before the guru and pleads his case. the guru kindly says, i don't have money, i don't have possessions, but, here's what i suggest, why don't you stay with me a couple of days, whatever people give me they are yours. the farmer is thrilled.

one day goes by. nobody comes to see the guru. another day goes by. the same. nobody comes. a third day goes by. same again. the farmer is discouraged. he says to the guru, i'd better go home. the guru says, i'm so sorry but i can't let you leave with nothing. the guru removes his well-worn straw sandals, give them to the farmer. he says, take them and sell them. the farmer obeys and leaves.

the farmer is a short way from the guru's house thinking, maybe i can sell the sandals and get some food, when he notices a long row of camels and carriages coming in his direction. the man leading them is dressed in gold and silk and dripping jewelry. he stops his gorgeous camel, gets off, approaches the farmer and says, i'm going to my guru, but when i see you from the distance i sense his presence, the nearer i am to you the stronger i sense that. the farmer says, i don't know what you are talking about, i just left his house and he gave me this. the farmer takes out the sandals from inside his wretched tunic. the man's jaws drop, his eyes pop. he points to the long row of loaded camels and carriages behind him and says to the farmer, let me have the sandals and you can have all the jewels, gold, silver and precious incenses they carry.

a little while later the man pranames at his guru's feet and shows him the sandals he acquired. the guru says, how much did you pay for it? the man says, i give him a treasure. the guru says, that's dirt cheap.

sky of iron, earth of gold.

the skies above your head shall be copper and the earth under you iron. for some reason these words from this week's torah portion catch my eye. they ring familiarity. where have i seen them before? over the yummy potluck sabbath meal something comes to me. a bright sense. i see it like looking at a gold coin lying at the bottom of a clear and still pond. a story. the story of alexander the great as told by my guru. i heard it once and it's been fiercely seared within me since.

here's how it goes as i recall it now.

when alexander first became king he summoned the best and brightest astrologers in the land. he asks of them one question only. when will i die? the astrologers went to work. they came back and said, your majesty, you will die when sky turns to iron and earth gold. wow. what does that mean? that's exactly what alexander asked. the astrologers didn't have an answer. so alexander thought and thought. well, how can sky turns to iron? impossible. how can earth turns to gold? impossible. well, that can only means one thing. sky will never turn to iron. earth will never turn to gold. and i will never die.

with that understanding, alexander went out to conquer and conquer and conquer. his soldiers believed their commander could not be defeated. the armies on the opposite side in the battlefield lost the will to fight. after all how can you beat someone who is destined to never die?

fast forward. alexander was passing through a rough terrain. he started to feel ill. he wanted to stop and pause a little bit. his loyal general said, your majesty, we are in the middle of nowhere, this is not a place suitable to receive your majesty. please let us go a little further. alexander agreed. he soldiered on. he grew sicker and sicker. finally he couldn't hold it anymore. he decided to just stop and get off the horse right there. his loyal general immediately removed his protective vest that is woven of fine threads of gold and spread it out so that his king would not lie on coarse sand. then he held up his shield of iron over alexander's head as shade. alexander lay down, closed his eyes. after a while he felt a little better. he opened his eyes. what did he see? iron over his head. gold underneath him. in less than a wink he remembered. he knew. he started to sob and sob and sob. the general said, your majesty, you''ll be allright. alexander said, it's too late. the general said, what do you mean? alexander said, if only i knew then what i know now, i would have done differently, but it's too late. he wept and wept and wept to death.

vitamin d and meditation

a week into taking vit d as prescribed by my doc i notice a distinct difference in the quality of my meditations. who knew?! wonderful difference. the level of steadiness is up. energy is more even during the day. that teenie weenie negative voice that keeps nagging me is getting even teenier and weenier. love it. what's not to love, really.

this experience totally crushes my limited belief that western medicine is just about drug and cut. actually as i type this another great example comes to mind. hwubby discovered a bursa on his right elbow. in the moment when he first showed me i was terrified. but as i look back it was really hilarious. it's like a bag coming out of his elbow. anyway the ortho surgeon gave him three options. i can't remember exactly what they were. one is removing it outright. another one is draining it. can't recall the third one. but doesn't matter. because when hwubby asked him, what do you recommend, the surgeon said,  do nothing. he then gave hwubby a roll of bandage to wrap around the bursa and a three week prescription of ibuprofen. he said, in three weeks, if it still doesn't go down, come back. here we are, three weeks later, the bursa is totally down.

why am i going on and on about the bursa? my point is, it all depends on the doctor. my guru and her guru says of this metaphor often. is a knife good? or bad? in the hand of a surgeon, it cures. in the hand of a murderer, it kills. in my case, my doctor goes straight to the basics when i say i feel kind of low and definitely uneven energy. take this one simple thing for three months and see what happens. nothing fancy. profound impact. love it.

all this grandeur are within me.

i awake at three thirty. the body is still soaking in the massage the evening prior. the mind is filled with the sweet and gentle warmth of the bed. i fall back asleep and dream. how to capture it in one sentence? a big, bold nightmare that flips into the sublime. here it is. i run like crazy from someone who wants to rob me. it's dark but the roads are wide and open. periodically i look back. the guy is still after me but i am ahead. earlier in the dream hwubby and i are examining some jewelry. all set with diamonds of all colors. yellow. pink. so vivid. so crystal clear. i can't take my eyes off a tiny evening clutch bedecked with pink diamonds. a really adorable little thing and i know hwubby is getting it for me. in the dream the thought that goes through me is this. i don't really need this. i keep it as a thought. there are thoughts that are better left unsaid. anyway, getting back to the dream. i am just about bursting with exasperation not knowing when i could stop running like this and the anguish vanish. i am at peace with what it is. i run with a deep sense of calm. now i notice how grand the urban landscape is around me. i am able to appreciate its scale. how sparkling the roads are. before i know it darkness becomes light. i am chanting in a dazzlingly white room with sky high ceiling with my guru. a simple, beautiful chant praising the guru principle that exists in all. every tiny lilt lifts the ceiling a little higher. the momentum of the chant builds and builds and the room becomes bigger and bigger. it all seems so natural.

what's my point here? all this grandeur, all this brightness and all this beauty are within me. what else is not, really.

all that efforts do not go to waste

i never know when and how grace is gonna strike me. case in point. yesterday i watch the poem 'a thousand mirrors' coming out of me nice and smooth when all of a sudden it stops. the mind is a blank. the verse that i am on goes this way.

the guru's grace continued to strike
ultimately, the last mirror,
so dear to my heart,
the mirror that maintains the difference between the individual soul and the supreme soul,
was about to be destroyed.

the flow of words comes to a sudden halt after 'my heart.' then it's like a river flow, being blocked by boulders, turn into frantic swirls that go round and round. after struggling for a while, i take a deep breath and move on to the next verse. i know i have not forgotten the line.

sure enough, this morning, the smooth flow of sound resumes as if nothing happened. i realize the conviction built up through months and months of daily recitation pull me through this one. in the moment when i cannot find the line 'the mirror that maintains the difference...' i do not lose faith. my faith is not blind. it is based on knowing what i have in my own true nature, knowing that all that efforts do not go to waste, recognizing that all that seemingly separate my own self from the guru's self are nothing but grace.

an auspicious, joyous happy birthday

what do i feel on the birthday of someone who gives me the experience of my own true nature, shows me how to know it, live it? i feel so happy, so fortunate. she wants the highest for me and nothing from me. well, not exactly. she does want something from me. all that restrain me from becoming and being who i really am. a full and unique expression of the innermost self which is no different from the universal self that creates this ever evolving physical universe.

grateful seekers offer birthday gifts. fruits, jewelries. beautiful things. valuable things. she receive them all with equal thankfulness. in another instant she freely gives them all away. she loves me unconditionally. no strings attached. no attachment either. all she wants is for me to be this happy, strong, courageous and generous person.

one time, over chai, i lament, how can i please my guru? a thoughtful yogi and dear friend and amazing nurse says, do the practices, live the teachings, that's how you please your guru. and so on this auspicious day, joyous day i wish happy birthday to my guru who lives in my pure awareness. she loves me. i love her. this love is pure. this love is divine. it is this love that connects us forever. in the present moment.

salutations to spiritual technology

i've been listening to an ancient mantra specifically for removing negativity and doubt. three to nine times at a time. mp3 and adobe files are on the desktop. i put on headset and instantly transported to the world where the fiery form of lord shiva tears off the fifth head of brahma. the brahmin's voice is pure and strong. the melody is more than lyrical. i can feel the vibrations working in the bone marrow and beyond. feeling great is great. but there's also proof is in the pudding. so now what's happening is the tune is sort of set into a neural circuit. it loops. i guess i can say i am having an experience of what the scriptures and guru say, to the effect, you can't just yank negativity out of the mind just like that and once and for all. well, i can but it's when i've already done enough spiritual work to prepare myself. suffice to say i am not in that category, not yet. here's the good news. the mind tends to get bored. it is all into the next new thing and wants to go towards the light. the light of joy. the light of courage. the light of strength. so a proven and tested remedy is to give the mind a new habit to chew on. when the mind is busy with setting up the new loop, audio, visual or a combination of both, i forget about negativity. and when i am aware of them i see them for what they are. ocean foam. look real but uc-ah. nope. that's fabulous news to me. no fighting necessary. easy way out. now all i have to to when i catch a thought, emotion that don't look and sound like my own inner self, just hit the buttons on the desktop and, voila, i am back in my own inner self. for some highly evolved yogis they don't need to go into such a long and elaborate chant for this purpose. but, mind you, suk wah, this is a thought that sounds like comparing based in poverty consciousness. go right back to the mantra. right now. okay. after posting this on facebook and twitter.

salutations to the power of spiritual technology.

breakfast with mrs obama

this classy health club that i have been guest in has a strong classroom. so i've been going to classes like, in the words of hwubby, suk wah's squeezing every drop out of the lemon. so there i am, this morning, walking into the room, all ready for my third class in the morning. nobody. i ask the front desk, what's going on. they say, she's leaving, people are waiting. who? mrs obama.

let's back up a little. there have been a beehive of activity around the back entrance of the hotel for several days. paving the driveway and then roping it so mrs obama will be the first one to step on it, or her motorcade, to be exact. veggie beds are put in. tomatoes, radishes, carrots are planted. nobody's asking my two cents. but, really, if i were to do it, i would transplant some robust tomato vines. now it's obvious that these teenie, weenie plant-lings have been where they are for what? well, butter up the first lady is a good enough reason, i guess.

by this time of the day i have no intention to go have mrs-obama-sighting. not that i didn't have the thought. i did. this morning hwubby and i arrive to see these cutie cutie secret service guys and gals parking themselves at strategic spots. in place of regular vehicles we see bomb squads, canine trucks, alameda sheriff's car. quite a sight. should i check the scene out? or shouldn't i? i decide, upon consideration, i want to stick to why i am here. to exercise. by the way here's a special shout out to one of the secret service cutie pies. he stops the paratrasit vehicle which we are on at the bottom of the hill when we come in early in the morning. the health club is at the top of the slope. he says politely to the driver, you have to stop here. then he sees hwubby and his cane. he says, are you able to walk up? before hwubby can say anything the secret service guy says, let me check. he goes away, returns after a few moments and says, you can go up. now we can actually say we have special permission from secret service to pass beyond checkpoint.

i digress. where am i? right, there's no class. so i wander outside to the slope leading down to the back entrance. i see some people in work out attire standing behind a yellow rope. most of them have their digital cameras in position. i spot a chef too. i think to myself, gee, doesn't he have to cook. somehow i find myself right at the yellow rope. so i park myself there. just when i begin to get impatient i hear this guy near me saying out loud what mrs obama is wearing, when she arrives, and she's about to leave for san francisco. someone shouts out to the secret service lady nearest to us, when is she coming out? she says, any minute now. sure enough. a few moments later several dark suit guys emerge from the hotel entrance. then a lady figure in white blouse and beige skirt walk briskly out. i don't have my distance glasses on. so i can't say i clearly see her face. i get excited with everybody around me anyway. i wave and call out, hi, mrs obama, good morning. the motorcade moves. i see someone wave in our direction behind the car window when the vehicle swerves around the driveway and we can see the side of it.

i turn around to the guy who is now calling his wife to tell her mrs obama is on her way to san francisco and burst out my burning question, do you know what mrs obama has for breakfast? the guy says, why don't you ask the chef, he's here. boom. so that is why that chef can stand out here to take pics. he's earned it. my eyes search around. i see him not too far to my right. i run up to him and say, what did you make? matt - i spot his name on his chef jacket - proudly says, poached egg with morel, grilled sourdough with asparagus and vinaigrette. so there you have it. i wave and hi mrs obama. and we have breakfast.

all this wonderful adventure happens not because i run after where mrs obama might be. on the contrary i stay focused on what i am doing. how do i learn this? i recall precisely when and how. early in the days when i am living the ashram i am this excitable little child. when word of where my guru is drift into my ear i can't help myself but drop whatever i am doing and run to it. so it is one day she is passing through the big dining room. i squeeze and dig my way through the crowds until i park myself behind a pillar. she is about one round table from me. suddenly i feel a tug from within, from deep in the belly. suddenly i feel my cheeks tingling. suddenly my heart races. i know what these signs point to. i feel like a child caught in something she ought not do. uc-oh, i should have stayed right where i am, i should not have left what i was doing. yeah, i was in the kitchen. that was where i was supposed to do service. so should i leave? should i stay? just about then my guru turns to the swami who is accompanying her. she says something to him. i wonder, what is she saying? i don't have to wonder for another moment longer because the swami looks around the dining room and says in his booming voice, people should go back to what they are doing. without a doubt i am sure i see my guru directly gazing into me as the swami makes clear her instruction. on the dot i turn around, return to the kitchen. i wish i can say i have learned the lesson once and for all. but as i can see for myself i have definitely not forgotten it. it is with me. it arises into my attention when i need it. i just have to listen.

mindstopper. mindfiller.

on the way to doing practices in shivaa's house shri says, can you share with me something from the poem 'breakthrough?' you bet. so i recite it up to where i am working on. something astonishing happens. i realize, after i finish, that i have completely forgotten one particular verse. why? what happens within me? gazing into the low hanging, dark gray clouds that forcast thundershowers at least i know it has to do with what this verse is talking about. all that which create one wave after another and they strike me and wash me clean. i say to shri, what do you think is the difference between 'resistance' and 'the inability to surrender?' after a momentary pause shri says, this is a mindstopper. bingo. voila. she nails it. these words, pregnant with the master's intention, have the power to stop the mindfillers, all that which take me out of the present moment, disconnect me from being in the joy and love of the inner self. at the end of the day whatever the contents of the mental clouds are they have nothing to do with my own true nature. they may be thundershowers, even thunderstorms. they come. and they go. it's just a matter of time that they will go. unless i hold onto them.

and so it is i immerse myself into the chanting and meditation with fellow yogis. by the time we sing aum all this fantastic electricity spark within me as the choir of sound and resonance strike me and wash me clean.

i emerge hungry, all ready for shivaa's sublime food. i can't have enough of her new creation. check this out. scoop a nice mound of her spring salad of pea shoots, mango, cabbage and carrots, sprinkled with roasted sesame and lemon verbena onto fresh lettuce leaves direct from her veggie garden. generously dollop balinese peanut butter sauce. wrap it up. take a bite. an explosion of freshness and aliveness. this is juicy and crisp love in a wrapper. for soup she puts together adjuki bean, butternut squash, coconut milk and dried mushroom. it's nourishing beyond measure. i have two big bowls.

i have to confess i am not a big fan of rhubarb and i don't eat honey that has been cooked. so very reluctantly i have to almost pass on the gluten-free rhubarb, strawberry dessert. but it looks so good, like, to die for. i say 'almost' because i can't help but have a little bit with vanilla cream. what can i say. to die for, almost:)

singing om everyday

everyday, as part of meditation, i sing om seventy-two rounds. that's after i recite the poems and gather attention to the lovely and soothing sound of the breath flow. why seventy two? because i use a  necklace that has thirty-six pearls. i inherited it from, may she rest in peace, my mother-in-law. i figure i don't wear it everyday but, hey, this is even better, it guides me to connect with my own true nature. can't beat that.

but why seventy-two? here's the story. as part of the yearly study focus, my guru instructs me to sing om for nine minutes a day, or twenty-nine minutes. i know some really dedicated and disciplined yogis set aside time during the day that is specifically devoted to singing om. i have the highest admiration for them. as for me, i am really not up there yet. so i just lump everything into my morning meditation. my study buddy says she does about thirty-two om in nine minutes. so i start with that and time it. somehow when i do it thirty-two om it takes me fifteen minutes. i realize it is because i'm really into the nasal reverberation at the end of the syllables. anyway, i know i need something to help me do the counting. in meditation my mother-in-law's pearl necklace comes to me. so i've been using it ever since. seventy-two oms insures at least twenty-nine minutes.

 a seasoned yogi teases me good-naturedly, well, then, you are not following the guru's command, twenty-nine minutes, not more, not less. all teasing aside, there's a point to it. the guru's command embodies vast wisdom in infinite layers. but, you know what, better singing om than not singing it. besides i have full conviction the the power of grace takes me across anything. i may be on a detour but i will get there. grace makes sure of that.

having said all this i have it in the back burner of my awareness to contemplate this. is there a trace of habitual tendency that is based in poverty consciousness in what i'm doing? like, twenty-minutes is not enough, not good enough. hmmmm.

we are a guac black hole

six of us doing the practices together. sweet and intimate. we chant rudram with our guru on dvd. i have no doubt she is with us right here in shivaa's divine abode and we have her all to ourselves. i feel that much closer to god, that much closer to my own true nature, my innermost self, the source of all that i am. as i glide into meditation on the wave of resonance from our singing om this steady throb pulses through my entire being. the scents of shivaa's blooming roses quietly infuse through the windows and dusk lights and permeate my awareness.

we emerge from all this with a bottomless appetite for food. shivaa says, i made this guac with five huge avocados. and? we wipe it all out to the last drop. we are surely a guac black hole. i, for one, have two big bowls of shivaa's spring soup. tender fava beans in a shittake broth enriched by coconut milk. slivers of a variety of mushrooms float together with bits of carrots and red pepper flakes. a hint of ginger gives it an extra subtle buzz. for salad shivaa does this spring number. cole slaw with mint. lorraine is the first one who raves about it. i take a bite and my jaw drops. a brilliant move.

stomach satisfied and mind quiet i hitch a ride home with shrileka continuing with our spiritual catching up. as far as i am concerned that is the real dessert. insights and understandings arising from us examining and reflecting our experiences sweeten our perceptions as we take care of all kinds of life challenges. we realize more and more all this is grace. all this is grace. and all this is grace. as a seasoned yogi says about hwubby's taxi hit, a boon in disguise. now, ain't that sweet.

patience rules. perseverance trumps all else.

the great people of japan are showing the world how to live in the present. everyday i include them in my meditation. but it is they who are blessing me with their shining examples. their quiet, steady presence don't make the stuff of spectacular news headlines. patience rules. perseverance trumps all else. not really sexy, catchy to the physical eyes. yet, i know from my own one-step-forward, ten-step-back journey on the path, the wings of patience and perseverance hold me up and lift me through tsunamis and massive earthquakes in turbulent mental waters and roller-coaster circumstances. okay, i am wrong to say there are absolutely no drama that can be captured in this seemingly muddled toil. how about this? a road that is split into chasms looking like miniature grand canyon during the earthquake is repaired and paved brand new after three days. three days. as my guru says, again and again, to this effect, with patience, you can attain anything.