birthday bliss. birthday sari.

birthday bliss. birthday sari. there i am in changing room getting unwrapped from sari, yes, the one in pix, i hear 'knock, knock.' who's there, i say. fast forward a few minutes later i am  talking sari colors with this woman who followed upon seeing me passing through the temple. she says, ' i've seen beautiful colors, beautiful saris but this. and the way it is all put together.'

well, i sure accept the sincere compliments with gratitude. as i contemplate about it i realize something. when i saw this sari i knew i wanted to get it. the pic doesn't do the fabric and design justice. there is an intricate interplay between red, fuchsia, orange and pink. just like sunrise and sunsets. once wrapped in this six yard of silk and gold i can't help but experience the reality that i am inside a benevolent furnace. the fire of grace removes dross and gold remains. my outer appearance matches the inner experience, that i am the Self which is always beautiful, ever golden and dripping with cooling, pearly moonbeams.

i was more than willing and happy to take the time and effort to learn how to wrap because it is a beautiful and tangible way to express gratitude for the benevolence and abundance that has been showering me all these years.

btw i was invited to wave light in ashram after i returned from first round of panchakarma in feb 2012. in my mind the purification treatments help prepare me to be ready to perform this beautiful act of worship. while i am waving flame, making offering to the guru without i am also acknowledging my inner guru, my own light within. it is with this understanding, this bhav, that i find choosing a beautiful sari, applying cosmetics, adorning myself with jewelry and head flowers become sacred actions. i see clearly why i am doing all this. this outer beauty is a reflection of who i am, a celebration of how i lead my life.

an auspicious, joyous happy birthday

what do i feel on the birthday of someone who gives me the experience of my own true nature, shows me how to know it, live it? i feel so happy, so fortunate. she wants the highest for me and nothing from me. well, not exactly. she does want something from me. all that restrain me from becoming and being who i really am. a full and unique expression of the innermost self which is no different from the universal self that creates this ever evolving physical universe.

grateful seekers offer birthday gifts. fruits, jewelries. beautiful things. valuable things. she receive them all with equal thankfulness. in another instant she freely gives them all away. she loves me unconditionally. no strings attached. no attachment either. all she wants is for me to be this happy, strong, courageous and generous person.

one time, over chai, i lament, how can i please my guru? a thoughtful yogi and dear friend and amazing nurse says, do the practices, live the teachings, that's how you please your guru. and so on this auspicious day, joyous day i wish happy birthday to my guru who lives in my pure awareness. she loves me. i love her. this love is pure. this love is divine. it is this love that connects us forever. in the present moment.

birthday gift in form of violence

it is my birthday and who knew what shape, color and tone a birthday gift would take and from where it strikes? a violent assault. here's the story. hwubby arranges for us to go to chinatown to have birthday dim sum. he has thought it through. he has to go to san francisco for business and he wants to spend as much birthday time with me as possible. so he decides to take along his bike while we take the bus to chinatown. everything is fine. we have a lovely and sweet conversation while waiting for the bus. it comes. hwubby sets the bike the way he always does. the way every biker always does. on the rack in front of the bus. i get on the bus first. which seat should i take? front? or back? back seats are more elevated. has a little wider, more open view. so i go to the back seat. hwubby pays. we continue our sweet exchange. i barely pay attention to when the bus stops and restarts at the familiar stops. after all this is the bus that i take to chinatown. now i don't recall whether i or hwubby catches this first. as i blog all i know is this. i realize a guy, a bearded guy, is trying to remove hwubby's bike. i am in disbelief for a moment while hwubby is already sprinting forward. i start to yell, stop him, he's stealing my husband's bike. while hwubby is jumping off the bus the guy is already on the bike. i get up and run out of the bus and run and towards this guy. out of the corner of my eyes i see several people gather at the far corner of the block. the guy is across the street going towards the far corner. i am on this side of  the street, running and screaming at the top of lungs, he's stealing my husband's bike. hwubby is running after him, losing out further and further as this guy turns the corner, passes the cluster of people at the far corner and disappears out of my view.

this all happens eleven in the morning. on my birthday. i am still rattled and unsettled. i gather all the will and strength i can pull together. i meditate. i see the rudram, the vedic hymn praising lord rudra, beside the bed. i sit down and chant it. very soon i get the inner message. do a rudram saptah. midway through i hear this message. deal with things as they are. i know what it means. the video of what happens auto-replays in the mind along with questions of what if, should have, how come those people just stand by and watch all this, if only i didn't...

i struggle out of bed, have a sip of cooling coconut water. these lines from the poem 'breakthrough' comes to mind. 'resistance, lack of understanding, and the inability to surrender created one wave after another. i was struck by each wave and washed clean.' yes, it feels like that, being struck by a towering wave. so i suppose i am in the process of being washed clean. i have no idea yet what it is being cleansed out of me. whatever it is, may the power of grace grant me the strength and resolve to go through what i need to go through.

and then there are these two lines right after the previous lines referenced above. 'each successive breakthrough came at the peak of intense tapasya. and it was also the fruit of that austerity.'

is this the peak yet? i don't know. has the fruit been borne and ripened? no idea. to be continued.

she feeds and gifts on her birthday

we gather together for my yogi sister shivaa's birthday. we sing out hearts out to the vedic hymn that details what we are grateful for and our wishes to the almighty which dwells within us as well as exist in everything and everyone everywhere. then we meditate. o me o my, i just plunge into the inner depths. when my awareness emerge i feel rested and ready to enjoy the feast that shivaa has prepared for us. but wait, she has gifts for everybody. i get a lavendar soap. i love the soothing and calming scent of it. now i'll really remember shivaa when i take showers.

let's get back to the food. what sublime food they are. she whips up this splendid salad with persimmon, pomegranate, orange, roasted walnut. bits of purple onion heighten the excitement. a wide range of flavors and texture burst and merge in the mouth. as for the hot dish it is quinoa spaghetti in soy bolognese topped with sesame seed pesto. i'm not a fan of imitated meat at all. but the way shivaa makes it, with lots of garlic, roasted tomato, roasted red pepper, thyme, oregano i have to say it's the best bolognese i have had in a long while. however the truly inspired move is to dollop in sesame seed pesto. it just brings everything together and elevate the richness and texture to a higher and deeper place.

instead of a boring birthday cake shivaa makes creme bulee of chocolate, orange, mascapone. everyone get his or her individual portion in a ramekin. simply lovely. we are so full, stomach and soul.

birthday celebration fit for saints

no sooner than i walk into shivaa's house she says, your husband called to remind us that it's your birthday, i said to him, we've been planning this. hwubby has been sprinkling his emails to mutual friends with such a gentle and not so subtle reminder and so in the last couple of days i have been looking at subject lines in the inbox wondering what they are about. here's the kick. usually i hit 'delete' if i couldn't recognize it. yet i feel a prompt from within to open it. so i do. i've been showered by blessings.

i digress.

anyhow i am fortunate up to my eyeballs. such sublime company i have. while navigating through heavy traffic to shivaa's house ruth and i have a spectacular back and forth about how to choose between 'pleasant' and 'beneficial.' really fun. really impactful because how i decide to spend time in the evening pretty much shapes whether i can get up to meditate.

the discussion continues over shivaa's sublime food after chanting vedic hymns and meditation. i have this experience that the sacred syllables are streaming out of me, that they are just part of who and what i am. the feeling of oneness is exquisite.

speaking about exquisite, shivaa's salad is exquisite beyond measure. fresh garbanzo beans. she shells them. each one is like a tender-jade-green bead. it looks alive and tastes alive. i bite into it and i say, after this it is going to be hard to go back to dried garbanzo. tossed with lettuces, fennel, parsley all from shivaa's garden, blood orange, ground brown cardamom and a sesame-orange dressing this is a sublime sumptuous satisfying creation. what about the soft-gold butternut squash soup? blended smooth in a base of shittake broth the full, earthy flavor is given a couple of lifts by fresh lime leaves, bay leaves and lemongrass. then there is shivaa's quac. quac is easy to make but it's not easy to make a really good one. shivaa's quac strikes a fine balance in terms of texture, taste and looks gorgeously green. then we clean the palate with fresh pineapple ripened at its peak.

i make a wheat-free, gluten-free brownie-cake. shivaa completes it with fresh whipped cream and raspberries. the best raspberries i have had in a long while. diana and i, both geminis, blow the candle together, on behalf of two other fellow geminis, neil and norm. we eat cake, laugh some more. i feel totally nourished. there's no place i'd rather be, no people i'd rather be with. except hwubby, of course.

i leave with a satisfied belly, a bag full of gifts and blessings from dear friends who happen to be great beings. my heart overflows with laughter and gratitude. now that i perceive the huge diamond of my inner self i see all these precious gems of great beings around me. lucky me indeed. this is birthday celebration fit for saints.