Tuesday, August 31, 2010

meditation in action in kitchen

this morning as i come out of sleep i notice the mind is sort of mushy, i mean, ungrounded. a whole host of random, incoherent mental stuff. if i get sucked into any one of them it would be ugly. i know. been there. done that. i ask my inner self, should i meditate now? inner self says, go into the kitchen. so i do. this is the morning i have to pack up and go home. as soon as i walk into the kitchen i know exactly what i need to do. i have to use up whatever there is in the fridge. i hate to waste anything. so in a little bit i am making spiced milk, chai and mango lassi. there's really no room for the mind to wander when i have to watch over boiling milk and preparing chai spices and gathering what's needed for mango lassi. one moment of losing focus can really lead to the milk boiling over and...voila, kitchen remodeling opportunity. thank you, inner self. you really know when i ought to sit down to meditate and when to snap into action. indeed. do what's appropriate in the moment with one-pointed focus. that's meditation in action.

Monday, August 30, 2010

fresh eggs taste like...me, i mean, inner self.

once i saw, on tv, martha stewart bringing fresh eggs from her own chickens to julia child. julia says, do they really taste better? martha says with utter conviction, yes, they do, julia. since then i often wonder, do they? or don't they?

as it turns out we are staying in a house that, ta-daa, has three productive chickies in the backyard. it's quite a sight to see hwubby gathering the chickies back into their coop at the end of the day and then come in with...fresh eggs. upon close examination i can say they do look more refined and exquisite than those store-bought ones. what about the taste? so far i've made egg drop soup with them. they taste lighter. in a subtle way the flavor has a gentle and pristine quality to it. at the same time, in a tangible way, the chicken soup is that much more nourishing. i like it a lot.

in this morning's brief meditation it comes to me that the inner self shares some core common things with these eggs. they are both so pure. ever sweet, ever gentle, ever fresh. i like these eggs because, in hwubby's words, they taste just like you.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

stay present, stay open and i get great mangoes

hwubby has to have a lot of mango lassi for a few days. so there i am, staring into the mangoes in a high-end grocery store and shocked. 2 for $5. at the rate it has been going we'll spend a small fortune on mangoes. but hwubby just had this three hour dental implant procedure a day prior. the poor baby is on liquid diet. i don't want to deprive him but...meanwhile i keep having this recurrent hunch. don't get it here. then the mind goes on and on. where else can you get it? you're in a new town, new neighborhood, you don't have a car. i take a couple of rounds of deep breathing and then i hear this: use less mango in lassi, you can always make sweet lassi, it doesn't have to have mango. somehow it makes sense to me. fast forward the next morning. today. we walk to a farmers market in the neighborhood. beautiful produce. peaches. blueberries. raspberries. i am totally enjoying the aroma of abundance and the lovely sunshine when we approach the last store in this vibrant marketplace. hwubby says, look. i say, what? he says, mango. indeed. fifty cents a pop. three-fifty a box of ten. now i am looking at eleven gorgeous mangoes at less than forty cents apiece. what's the lesson here? stay tight in the present moment and stay open.

Friday, August 27, 2010

milk spill shows how farsighted inner self is

i'm definitely more anchored in the inner self. having said that there's still work to do. case in point. i'm having the spiced milk warming up while preparing for chai spices. not once, not twice, not thrice but several times i have the hunch, the intuition, the inner prompting, whatever you call it, that finish with the milk before doing chai spices. i don't listen to it. i say to myself, no, i'm watching it, i won't let it boil over. so there i am, just as i am about to crush the cardamom pods i see, out of the corner of my eye, a golden yellow cloud brimming over the pot in a flash. i don''t have time for any thought. i see my hand reach out and take the pot off the stove. hwubby says, a disaster? i say, an incident. i go through the clean-up with total inner quiet. now, as i reflect on it sipping chai i realize there was not one sliver of thought of beating myself up or dramatizing the situation. i take care of it as it is: a milk spill. having said that, next time i ought to listen to the inner voice sooner. and it never ceases to amaze me how far-sighted the inner self is.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

pastrami through the eye of inner self

what can i say about my meditation experience today? a little deeper into my own inner self. a little higher into my own inner self. what do i mean by that? not that i don't have thoughts. i have them. i see them. some are negative. some are positive. but what's fascinating today is i realize i don't care about their contents. i don't have the impulse to go after them and ask questions like, why do i have this thought? why does it come up now? in fact i see how random they are. and fleeting too. they really are fast as lightning bolts. now i see them for what they are i am just aware of their coming and going from afar, anchored in the vast shelter of my own inner self. there's this real sense that i am rooted in this strong, clear, bright and open inner quiet. i feel safe. now that i am getting more used to being in this state i can't imagine i would want to go back to where i was. but here's the funny thing. back when i was in that state of getting swept up and tossed around in the torrents of thoughts, feelings and emotions i thought that was the only way to be. last night hwubby and i went to this deli in portland, oregon to try their hand-made, home-smoked, hand-sliced pastrami. i say, good pastrami. hwubby doesn't like it so much. he says, it's not new york pastrami. i contemplate on this. i realize in hwubby's mind, he sees pastrami through the thoughts, feelings and emotions of a new yorker, a brooklyn boy. if i may say so he doesn't see this home-made pastrami through the eye of his own inner self:)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

full moon outside reflects the inner full moon

hwubby says, it's such a nice and exquisite feeling to be in the present, even though it's kind of short. so true. with so many things grabbing our attention it's easy to be sucked out of the present moment and get swept up into the turmoil of day-to-day life. now that we've fixed up accommodations in hong kong we have to find a place in singapore. there's cooking involved so it's not so straightforward. but then the extreme scenario is to book a hotel room. so it's really a matter of choices and decisions. i can go on and on. the truth of the matter is, if it's not one thing it's another: hwubby's having dental implant procedure on two teeth tomorrow; looking into options to keep the house; finding ways to make bulk book sales a reality; working on the next chapter; the list goes on and on. having said all this and as i write this, something outside the window catches my eye. the full moon about to go behind under the rolling hills. the lovely hotel courtyard is even lovelier basking in dawn lights. i take in all this outside of me while i take rest in the vast, open, quiet and clear inner being. the inner full moon shines sweetly. i feel calm and confident. i hear what lord krishna say to arjuna, do thy bidding. yes. take care of what needs to be taken care in the present moment in a meticulous manner. the inner self guides me through worldly affairs the way the full moon guides a night traveler through the wilderness.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

i am unconventional. period.

basking in the early afternoon sunshine under the clear sky in the lovely hotel courtyard i am so proud of myself and settled in the shade of the inner sky. i have reconstructed the lost recordings. along the way i pick up a few fresh sparks that, in my editor's words, are out-of-the-box, unconventional and beautiful in the way only i can make it work. in fact, on more than one occasions as we go through the pages, she says, i never thought this could work but it works. one time she points to a specific thing and says, i love this, is this a chinese literature thing? or your thing? not missing a beat i say, it's my thing.

i am unconventional. period. hwubby, one of a kind, that's for sure. now that i know it i have to write it and live it.

this morning's meditation is a simple and clear experience of inner quiet and clarity. that's who i am. that's my inner self. that's the source of all fresh things. writer's block? what's that?

Monday, August 23, 2010

i'm in shock. i will remember what i need to remember

on the other end of  the cell, my editor says, suk wah, this is tsunami. i say, it's katrina. i just told her about the recording catastrophe. 3 hours of editing on the pages are gone. she says, suk wah, you sound like you are drugged. i say, no, i'm in shock. and yet, in the midst of the numbing shock, i see myself watching the tendency to blame and get worked up hovering far away in the mental horizon. what's really close to me is the rhythmic movement of the breath. on top of all this i'm sitting in the airport on the way to portland, oregon. i discovered the loss about an hour prior. and hwubby and i are traveling with two full suitcases that hold a mini ayurveda kitchen.

back to the loss. i am amazed to see how quiet and calm the inner world is. only one prompting fills inner being: stay in the present. what does that mean? only one thing. how to take care of the situation as it is. i notice how easy and easeful it is for me to hold on to this guiding instruction. i reach out to my editor. she is so great. as we are going back and forth i see the old tendency to get paralyzed and stuck attempting to come back again and again. right then and there i experience what the sages mean when they say, you have a choice in every instant. i can stay with it as it is or i can give up. which way do i want to go? it is in a moment like this that i truly appreciate the value of all my spiritual practices and study. there is no doubt in my whole being that i refuse to go back to the old way. i'm going down the road of transformation. does getting worked up take me closer to full-realization? no. so easy to choose.

after journaling this i'm going to go through the pages and write down in capital letters all that my editor want me to. in this morning's meditation, in supine position on a hotel bed, i keep receiving this message: i will remember what i need to remember.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

challenges are bigger. i am bigger

this morning's meditation brings up the tendency of contracting, daunted by the challenges we are facing, including we may have to sell the house. meanwhile the back and forth with my editor is accelerating. she says, you are a very unconventional writer, most of the time it works, but sometimes it doesn't. i get it. i say, i'm open to using 'conventional' things. i can find ways to make them work for me. so as i journal this i realize i have never been following a conventional path and i have always been great at staying with a challenge and finding unconventional ways that work. with that i feel a sense of centering spreading all over me. a house is a house is a temporary configuration of consciousness. we are going to do what is necessary to see we can keep it but whatever the outcome is it has nothing to do with our inner selves. they are always pure and strong. ahhh. that's it. i am always pure and strong and centered unless i choose to be thrown off balance by some temporary configuration of consciousness. this is great. i see that i am more and more grounded in my own highest and innermost self. the reality that the challenges are getting bigger and bigger is a reflection of my progress on the path towards full-realization.

Friday, August 20, 2010

mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness

a lot of mental activity come and go in this morning's meditation. no wonder the sages say, thoughts travel faster than light. one moment there's a thought about oakland, california. in the next moment is another thought about hong kong. i catch myself getting swept up in it when i feel a little dizzed out from the mental twirlings and swirlings. i know i am in a sort of crisis mode when i see the mind getting stuck in a cantonese popular tune about a compulsive gambler. i am about to be sucked into the worrying, anxious, fearful, insecure mode. meanwhile the body is still in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture. i am still vaguely aware of the rib cage movement. so i summon the will to turn attention to the breath. i take in a deep one, watch the chest expand and then the belly, follow the long outbreath all the way into the natural stillness into which the exhalation merges. then, in a subtle way, i experience the sweet security permeating me. it lasts until the next inbreath begins and the next thought appears. but just a sip of this sweet possibility energizes me. i'm, once again, in the vast, open sky of the inner self with clouds rolling by. clouds are temporary things just as mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

me and my inner self, we go places

there i am getting started to reconcile the bank statement. and...boom, i am tested. what do i mean by that? the opening balance is four grand off. the first thought that explodes in my mind says, that's impossible, it was fine when i reconciled last month. for a fleeting while i go blank. the next thing that i am aware of is the rhythmic movement of the breath. just like that i find myself watching the sky of the inner being. it is vast and open and bright and clear. sure there are dark clouds going by. they say, o no, suk wah, you screw up, you can never fix this, blah blah blah, so on and so forth, the usual stuff. but i am not buying into it. i see my entire being settling into a state of calm, confidence and focus. i clearly feel a power steadily surging up from within. supporting me. anchoring me. i feel fluid and flexible. i see the tendency to feel stuck appear. i ask myself, is this who and what i am? no. no. no. i know, from deep within, i am equal to the challenge. i swiftly deepen and lengthen the breath. after a little while i begin to regain a sense of stability. with that i hear one prompting after another from inside. take a pause from it. i follow it. i go into the kitchen, sit down and have some mango. nice, juicy, golden mango. it never ceases to amaze me how magical mango is. as i am absorbed in the nectarean nature of mango i hear the next inner prompting. reconcile the personal account and credit card statement first. i decide that's a smart move. why hold up the process because of a glitch?! i finish the last morsel of mango flesh. i feel so much better. i return to the computer and reconcile the personal account statement. it goes smoothly. no sooner than i hit the 'done' button i see this thought. check the opening and closing balance. i know exactly what it means. i'm doing july. take the june statement. compare the opening and closing balances with those on the quickbook register. if they don't match go back to may. i do that. may is off. i go back to april. still off. then it's march. bingo. the opening balances match. that's it. i pore through the march transactions. within seconds i see where it's off.

hwubby says, you're such a good investigative detective. i say, yeah, me and my inner self, we go places. my inner self says, yeah, there's a solution within every situation, you just have to stay in the present and listen.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

i am bright and bold sweetness

hwubby says, look at your nest. indeed. my meditation closet is a choreographed pile and cluster of zafu, zabuton, cushions, folded blankets in a variety of configurations. when i went to tahoe, i had two suitcases. the heavier, bigger one is all for my meditation equipment. i'm just so grateful that my teacher has made it possible for me to sit cross-legged on the floor comfortably for an extended period of time. with a lot of support. a lot. this, to me, is compassion.

i've come to a point where i can dwell and roam in the inner mystical world more than two hours and not feeling any strain and stress on the body. in fact, i experience incredible alchemy taking place in the body. lighthearted sweetness steadily release from the joints, tissues, ligaments. the spine is upright and bright. i realize this is not a fleeting feeling. this is the real thing. this is who and what i really am. bright and bold sweetness.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

residual habits are tenacious like tiny bamboo shoots. it's just that.

as i see another spurt of mental activity over the sky of the inner self, and this time i see it all has to do with comparing with others, i am hit with a heavy dose of impatience. i thought i had already dealt with this. why is it coming back? when will it go away, really go away? then in another round of breathing in deep and breathing out long i remember what the bamboo expert explaining to me about rooting out bamboos. first i take out the bulk of it. next growing season i see some shoots springing above ground nearby. i nib it as soon as i see them. they are definitely bamboo but nowhere near the twelve-fee-tall, inch-thick canes. rather they are short and tiny. i ask, how long will this go on? she says, it will be a while. they are really tenacious. ahhh. so are these old habitual tendencies. look. i am watching them, journaling them. i am not being them. i know i am not them. i am getting stronger. they are getting weaker. they are short and tiny residual tendencies. not tall and thick bamboo canes anymore. this is where understanding comes in. this is where faith matters. this is where intensifying my meditation practice will strengthen my footing in the sky of the inner self. my own inner self which is pure and the source of creativity, courage, abundance and strength.

ahhh. the tendency to compare is a twisted expression of the longing to find my own true worth. and it exists within me. i just have to look in the right direction. turning inward. not the other way round.

Monday, August 16, 2010

the sky of the inner self is o so sweet

meditate the entire day in whites. what a great thing to do after 11 days roaming coast to coast, city to city, kitchen to kitchen, enjoying the variety of people. no sooner than i sit down than all my concerns about whether i could sit on the floor for extended periods of time after meditating lying down for days are gone. the body gladly settles into a solid, stable easy lotus and there i stay with sublime, sweet contentment. i realize i am looking at the sky of the inner self. the outer sky is as vast and open as the inner one. and just like clouds of all shapes and sizes appear, move and dissipate in the sky clouds of mental activity do the same routine in the inner sky. in fact  a lot of times they come and go so fast that i can't even make out what the contents of these mental meteors are. and it doesn't bother me. i don't chase after clouds. i keep gazing into the sky. as the day of meditation unfolds i realize i'm witnessing sublime alchemy taking place within me. steady, subtle sweetness are being released into all the joints, tissues, ligaments of the body, the entire lake of the mind. hwubby takes a look at me at the end of the day and says, you look so refreshed. give credit where credit is due. i was so tired the night before after a day of schlepping and traveling that i was about to give up on the meditation event. but hwubby says, you have to go. so i do. thank you, hwubby.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

sunrise outside. sunrise within.

witnessing yet another sweet and fabulous sunrise. sitting in a rocker. floor to ceiling windows. receiving a panoramic vista of the exquisite pre-dawn lights. where am i? at the departure gate in logan airport. ahhhh. the sun reaches everywhere. mirroring the inner self that reaches everywhere in the entire being wherever i happen to be. yet another bright and beautiful reminder that the darkness of worrying go away when i am aware of the sunshine of the inner self. the saffron disk enters into view, imbuing the fleet of red and blue southwest airplanes with a vibrant sheen. soon it spreads to the entire indoor area, touching everything and everywhere. i look around. people are doing all kinds of things. the same sunshine is all over them whether they are aware of it or not. in the same way. the inner self is shining my way all the time. all i need to do is to be aware of the inner sunshine.

Friday, August 13, 2010

dawn within. dawn without.

going home tomorrow. so looking forward to meditating in my own meditation closet. right off the bet i have to say wonderful, marvelous people have been opening up their homes to us and allowing us to use their kitchens in the way that work for us. let me put it this way. i would not have been a fraction as nice as all my hostesses if someone came into my kitchen with a suitcase of provisions and equipment, cooked their own food and drinks. anyway the supine meditation posture works out well. a couple of mornings back hwubby says just as i am about to close my eyes and go into meditation, look outside the window. i slightly turn my head. through the opening in the still dark vegetation i see a small patch of cloud being tainted orange-gold against the fish-belly-white pre-dawn sky. i realize i am watching miracle as it happens. contentedly i close my eyes and roam the miracle dawn within. the sweetness is nectarean.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

lake of the inner self. cape cod

sipping spiced milk in an aged adirondack chair. scanning the vista in front of me. a small lake surrounded by lush green of various hues. the morning air is fresh, cool and still. i'm sitting in the shade of an old maple. nonetheless i feel the sweet, gentle warmth of the sun. i let my gaze out into the far side of the lake. instantly i feel a wave of relaxation rippling out from the loosening eye muscles. the subtle motion within echoes the lovely silvery-blue huge rings gliding across the open, quiet lake surface. there is sublime purity within and without.

out of the corner of my eye i see the play of shadows in the meadow between me and the cottage. the inner eye is aware of the sporadic mental activity. i have no desire to find out what they are. i just let them come and go. my awareness rests in the lake of the inner self. it is quiet. it is open. it is pure.

Monday, August 9, 2010

dim flashes across the sky of the inner self

on one hand i want full realization. on another hand, when i meditate these days it feels so very enough just to immerse into that pure and strong peace within. i know, i know the universal self pervades all things and creatures. yet meditation grants me the experience of the unfiltered, sparkled inner self. more and more i watch the mental activity come and go. in fact, this morning, they come and go so quickly i barely have the chance to even see what they are. like flashes. dim flashes across the sky of the inner self. they used to be thunders and lightning bolts that paralyze and devour me. not anymore. i am the inner self. end of story.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

open mind draws grace

this supine meditation really works well for traveling. what i also realize is my intention for keeping a meditation practice has really come through strong and clear. what choice to make in the present moment becomes easier and more easeful. there is only one question to ask. does this take me away from my morning meditation? having asked that i look at how to go about it without driving others around me crazy. the guiding light for me is working with what i have and the trust that what i have is what i need. here's the kick. being open like that draws grace. the forces in the universe flow forth, like iron dust to magnet, to support me to move towards where i want to go. but i have to keep close connection with what's going on in the present moment. or else i won't see what i need to see. it doesn't mean there are no suspenseful twists and turns along the way. speed bumps so to speak. but, hey, who can plan out everything down to dots and tees and control everything so everything work out exactly accordingly?! case in point. hwubby thought through the travel plan from oakland to maine. then, wham, there's a widespread delay in denver. we waited four hours in the airport. we didn't arrive until 3am. the ride into town fell apart. we took a cab. throughout the whole thing i watch myself not getting upset a bit. i see that hwubby and i are having some precious time together. we are in the middle of nowhere. the mind is afloat in a deep sense of freedom. just like that, in a flash, i see the key points in a project i'm handling. i see a road map in the inner screen while watching a big, fat baby playing with his doughy toes. i smile. the bundle of pure lights smile back. we are one joy.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

do what is necessary

our kind and generous host in maine takes a quick look at what we are doing at her stove and she has no idea what we are doing and she says with her usual big smile, this is beyond pale. i must say if i were the one who had a house guest barging into my kitchen with a suitcase of her 'funny' food i would not have handled as well as she is doing. not even close.

so it becomes clear to me i have to figure out a way to honor and respect the way that suits me while honoring and respecting that this is another person's space. i prepare all that i need in the morning the night before. i go at it quietly. hwubby says, you're doing so good. i admit i am. it's clearer and clearer to me that there is always this part of me that is calmly and quietly watching over all this, all this and all this. there's nothing to go crazy about, in all sense of the word. i am just doing what is necessary in a calm and happy way. hey, all i want is to maintain some sort of meditation practice with a travel schedule in a proper and appropriate manner.

Friday, August 6, 2010

kneading chapati is revelatory

i don't eat wheat but i have to say, warm chapati coated with and dripping ghee, and by the way, i knead the dough and make my own ghee, is out of this world and beyond. satisfying yet light. the ghee is a bundle of yummy sunshine. hey, it takes one and a half hours to process three pounds of butter to get it crystal clear. the result? intoxicating sweetness that is subtle. worth all that one and a half hours watching over the boiling butter.

kneading chapati dough after coming out of meditation is such a nice way to transition from the inner world into the outer. feeling the flour and water coming together under the rhythmic motion of the fingers and palm makes me realize that the two worlds are not separate. one is in the other and vice versa. i watch a core miracle being created and i am a participant. two seemingly so different things merge into one thing, something that is like caterpillar turning into butterfly. alchemy happens beyond the physical eyes and the touch of hand. often i wonder what happens in meditation when the body and mind say, nothing's happening. as i press the ball of my palm into the dough that is now like earlobe i recognize that i don't see the subtle shifts in my awareness and understanding as they take place quietly but i do see the end result. i've been handling the tests presented to us beautifully. i'm schlepping a whole ayurveda kitchen across the country and work hard to make it work in other people's homes. i'm just days into this way of cooking. hwubby says, and you're doing it with such calm and ease, so flexible and resilient.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

stay in the moment. listen.

there i am. for the first time meditating in the posture perfect for traveling. reclined pose. it works well. how can i tell? because in the midst of singing om i get this message from within. chapati. i know right away what it means. i didn't go to bed until 4 am. i decided to make chapati for hwubby in the morning instead of getting the dough ready at three thirty in the night after thirteen hours of traveling because of a plane delay. i end up sleeping in. so by the time i meditate hwubby is about to leave in an hour or so. it would not be the end of the world if i were to miss the timeline. as hwubby sweetly and kindly says, it's okay if i had it later or even miss it for a day. the point is the inner self is truly aware of all that's going on. the real message i am getting is this. stay in the moment. listen. thanks so much, inner self.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

getting easier to stay in the present

a suitcase filled with all that we need to keep the ayurveda thing going on the road. and we are not even taking pots and pans because we'll be in friends' kitchens. there's even a partially prepared ladoo batch so i don't have to bring a spice grinder and blender. but it's all worth it. last night i had spiced milk that was, for the first time, barely diluted, and by the way, i have to make a note that this is raw milk, not pasteurized nor homogenized. it really tastes like milk and it's so light. why am i saying all this? last night i slept straight through. i awake at 4 on the dot, ready to get up, and meditate for two hours. it comes to me during meditation what's happening is it's getting easier and easier to stay in the present moment.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

let the ayurveda adventures begin

overnight my kitchen is upside down and ayuveda-fied. hwubby is totally full on and i am tagging right along. he feels the wisdom from this ancient way. and he's ready for it. right now he's in a spiritual retreat and he's set up a little cooking area for himself in the room. upon arrival he's concerned that he couldn't do the medicated milk for fear that the steam would set off the fire alarm. i say, what about the bathroom? doesn't it have a vent? it works out great. so, a shout out to the inner self.

by the way, it's fascinating to discover that boiled milk is so light. soon after my cup in the evening i feel this sense of settling in, drawing in and out streams one yawn after another. i also notice i haven't been getting up as often as i used to. mmmm. interesting. hwubby says, if i go to the 9pm meditate session and then another hour plus to make the milk (four cups water and one cup milk boiling down to one cup) i won't get to bed by midnight. i say, hey, making the milk is your meditation.' hey, we yogis are flexible. we work with whatever we have. hwubby says, that's exactly right. another shout out to the inner self. thank you.

i'm packing for a ten day trip. i can see a whole new way of packing coming up. what an adventure.

Monday, August 2, 2010

wrong bus get me to where i want to go

i'm really getting better at staying connected with the inner self. how do i know that for sure? i went through a test yesterday. here's how it went down. i take a bus to bread of india, a restaurant, for a party only to find out upon arrival that it's closed. hwubby is out of town. i call him. it turns out that it's the bread of india on the other side of town. hwubby says, take a cab. i say, no, i love to chant and eat with a bunch of yogis but i don't want to take a cab. i start calling a couple of people to see if i could get a ride only to reach voice greetings. then hwubby calls me back, why don't you find out if this bus takes you to somewhere near there? i look up the route map at the stop. it looks like the bus goes to 9th street and the restaurant is on 10th street. finally the bus arrives. i hop on, ask the driver, does this go to 10th, or clay? she says, where do you want to go? i say, 10th and clay. she says, i'll let you know. i have no idea what that means. i thank her, sit down, call hwubby again. he says, ask her, does she go to broadway? so i do. the lady pauses momentarily, says, i go to broadway, i go to 11th and clay. i say, wow, perfect, you make my day.

when i get off the bus it's just five seconds from the restaurant. i walk into the opening hymn that invokes grace. we chant our hearts out, work up the appetite for a fantastic indian meal. how fantastic? the nann bread, which has wheat, is so good i can eat it without having headache.

as i reflect on the trip i see i go through the twists and turns without getting all worked up. in fact i am able to stay with the changes in a calm and open way. and calm is the nature of the inner self. when hwubby suggests the thing about the bus i hear the mind yapping and yapping, a bus is not a cab, it's not going to get you where you want to go, forget it. i remember watching all this and having the sense that these are just thoughts, judging, limiting thoughts, really. i say, you're not in the driver seat of my life anymore. i'm determined to stay in the moment. and the inner self always dwells in the present moment. i refuse to go with the limiting thoughts because the inner self is the possibility of all possibilities.