mindstopper. mindfiller.

on the way to doing practices in shivaa's house shri says, can you share with me something from the poem 'breakthrough?' you bet. so i recite it up to where i am working on. something astonishing happens. i realize, after i finish, that i have completely forgotten one particular verse. why? what happens within me? gazing into the low hanging, dark gray clouds that forcast thundershowers at least i know it has to do with what this verse is talking about. all that which create one wave after another and they strike me and wash me clean. i say to shri, what do you think is the difference between 'resistance' and 'the inability to surrender?' after a momentary pause shri says, this is a mindstopper. bingo. voila. she nails it. these words, pregnant with the master's intention, have the power to stop the mindfillers, all that which take me out of the present moment, disconnect me from being in the joy and love of the inner self. at the end of the day whatever the contents of the mental clouds are they have nothing to do with my own true nature. they may be thundershowers, even thunderstorms. they come. and they go. it's just a matter of time that they will go. unless i hold onto them.

and so it is i immerse myself into the chanting and meditation with fellow yogis. by the time we sing aum all this fantastic electricity spark within me as the choir of sound and resonance strike me and wash me clean.

i emerge hungry, all ready for shivaa's sublime food. i can't have enough of her new creation. check this out. scoop a nice mound of her spring salad of pea shoots, mango, cabbage and carrots, sprinkled with roasted sesame and lemon verbena onto fresh lettuce leaves direct from her veggie garden. generously dollop balinese peanut butter sauce. wrap it up. take a bite. an explosion of freshness and aliveness. this is juicy and crisp love in a wrapper. for soup she puts together adjuki bean, butternut squash, coconut milk and dried mushroom. it's nourishing beyond measure. i have two big bowls.

i have to confess i am not a big fan of rhubarb and i don't eat honey that has been cooked. so very reluctantly i have to almost pass on the gluten-free rhubarb, strawberry dessert. but it looks so good, like, to die for. i say 'almost' because i can't help but have a little bit with vanilla cream. what can i say. to die for, almost:)

emails and spiritual practice

hwubby and i discuss a situation for more than fifteen minutes. he's supposed to be invited to an event. it's the day before the event and he's heard nothing. blah blah blah. finally i say, if this event is that important to you, you need to find out. all i base on is something my says, to the effect, if something comes to your attention and lingers you need to attend to it. what happens is, in my learning experience, if you don't it stirs the mind. like throwing one stone after another into a placid lake, there will be so many ripples that you can't see any reflections clearly. hwubby agrees. after a little while, he says, now there's a problem. i say, what now? he says, it turns out that this person emailed me a while ago for my feedback regarding this event. i thought i sent out a response. i just dug around. that email is in the draft folder.

oy. right away i recall something else my guru say, a yogi can turn anything to his/her advantage. i say, you write an apology email right away, send flowers to her tomorrow, i'm sure this is not the first time something like this happen to anyone in the history of email. anyway it is precisely concerning something like this that i have a practice of going into the sent box after i send out any email. i thought it is a sensible business practice. now i realize it is a spiritual practice as well. it diminishes the possibility for unnecessary mental activity.

i become one with the soup

i meditate two hours. so satisfying. so relaxing. it never ceases to amaze me. really. i just sit quietly, keep paying attention to the way the breath is coming in and going out of me. i am not doing anything really. after a little bit there is just this sound of waves massaging the body, mind and i lose the sense of what is within and what is without. i feel boundlessly expansive. i feel abundant beyond measure.  simply sublime.

occasionally i see this thought and that emotion appear. none of them bother me. and then a gentle and sweet reminder comes up. you haven't tried the thai turkey soup yet. o, yes. i refreshed the soup yesterday with the last and big piece of carcass, threw in more carrot, turnip, potato. i was so absorbed in it that i completely forgot about the thom yum. somewhere around this point i realize i am caught up in a thought wave. one thought pulls out another, and another. i summon the spiritual force to bring attention back to the breath wave and choose to ground my understanding in this. it doesn't matter what the content of the thought, or whatever mental activity, is. that's irrelevant. any mental activity is a temporary flash of pure consciousness, which is my essential nature, reflected on the screen of mind. i experience satisfaction and joy not because of the thoughts. as a matter of fact such satisfaction and joy are not derived from the food, or anything outside of me. they are what i am. they add the taste of oneness to whatever i eat. indeed i can safely say i become one with the soup. it is complete and perfect as it is.

i am still going to try it with some thom yum though.

happy and content to be a one trick pony

a person in my life has been moaning, groaning and goes, i'm wrong, i can't do it, it's hopeless, can't you understand? do i understand? hey, i'm a one trick pony. all i know, from eighteen years of meditation, chanting, studying with the teacher, contemplating the teachings and many direct experiences, i have within me a solid and stable source of contentment, courage, strength, serenity and sweet joy. as long as i am anchored in that place i can see all kinds of dark mental clouds appear and say, o, it's weather. and you know what, all weather pass sooner or later. no exception. someone asks a swami, can meditation help me to get over all this negative stuff? without missing a beat he says with a smile and eyes sparkling with conviction, yes, unless you hold on to it. and so it is that i hold on to one thing and one thing only with my dear life. i am light, consciousness and bliss. everything else are weather. the only way i know how to become established in this place is...meditation. i'm happy and content to be a one trick pont

sometimes it involves saying no.

i am watching the twists and turns in outer circumstances while i am aware of the mental activity. who is watching? i am. who is aware? i am. am i the contents of the mental activity? no. do i need to take of them? yes, and sometimes taking care of them involves saying no. how will the other receive it? i don't know. but i do know for sure that whatever the other's reaction is it doesn't add to nor diminish the fullness of my inner self.

i don't have to prove i am right

i need to make a difficult phone call and i can see the mind going wild: they won't understand, they'll be so disappointed, i can't handle it, it's all too much. blah blah blah. so i do the only thing i know how. i say to myself, i'll go to sleep, get up super-duper early, meditate and then make the call.

i do all that. and then some. i meditate two and a half hours. for most of that time i watch all this tumultuous mental activity spinning out and all around me. but i do what i could to hang in there with the shaft of golden light that stands tall and strong from the base of spine to the top of head. eventually the body and mind settle down and i enjoy the sweet stability in my own self so much that i can just sit quietly like that all day long if i didn't have to take care of what's necessary.

while i prepare to come out of meditation two simple instructives appear: listen with full attention. simply state the facts. i know what they are for. they are telling me, drop the defenses, stay in the present with what is whatever it is. indeed. one of the ways that i have been 'off the mark' is being defensive, that i have to prove i am right, that i have to be understood and accepted. no. i don't.

hooooh. i feel so much lighter and clearer just having this understanding. anchored in this place and state i go on the phone. i listen with an open and patient mind. i explain the facts as i know it. i respond to clarifying questions. i can hear the disappointment in the person's voice. i acknowledge it, i thank her for being so understanding and kind and the dialogue keeps going. the situation itself is still difficult but the way i feel about it is different. some old knot deep within is untangled. it is so worth it to put in the effort to stay tight with what is.

walking with avraham

for me the great thing about the jewish high holidays is not just about the thrilling prayers, piercing torah commentaries and exhilarating singing and dancing. it is to have this block of blessed time and sacred space carved out for the purpose of examining where i have been 'off the mark' and direct the arrow of attention and awareness to returning to the bull's eye, the present moment, where yhvh dwells and the source of courage, strength and sweetness are. more often than not during the year i forget the inner self and stray from the path. i confuse between the process of thinking and the contents of thoughts. i am not the contents of the mental activity.

in the meditation the rabbi do with us on second day of rosh hashanah i see myself in the meadow surrounding the lake of holy waters in the ashram where i had the great good fortune to live for a few years. then i find myself in the presence of avraham. yes, if there's some figure in the torah i want to be it's avraham. why? he walks with g-d. i want to walk with g-d. i don't know how. so the next best thing is to walk with someone who walks with g-d. anyway, in the meditation, we walk in simple quiet. there's no sense of time. just  crystal clear openness.

meditation in action in kitchen

this morning as i come out of sleep i notice the mind is sort of mushy, i mean, ungrounded. a whole host of random, incoherent mental stuff. if i get sucked into any one of them it would be ugly. i know. been there. done that. i ask my inner self, should i meditate now? inner self says, go into the kitchen. so i do. this is the morning i have to pack up and go home. as soon as i walk into the kitchen i know exactly what i need to do. i have to use up whatever there is in the fridge. i hate to waste anything. so in a little bit i am making spiced milk, chai and mango lassi. there's really no room for the mind to wander when i have to watch over boiling milk and preparing chai spices and gathering what's needed for mango lassi. one moment of losing focus can really lead to the milk boiling over and...voila, kitchen remodeling opportunity. thank you, inner self. you really know when i ought to sit down to meditate and when to snap into action. indeed. do what's appropriate in the moment with one-pointed focus. that's meditation in action.

pastrami through the eye of inner self

what can i say about my meditation experience today? a little deeper into my own inner self. a little higher into my own inner self. what do i mean by that? not that i don't have thoughts. i have them. i see them. some are negative. some are positive. but what's fascinating today is i realize i don't care about their contents. i don't have the impulse to go after them and ask questions like, why do i have this thought? why does it come up now? in fact i see how random they are. and fleeting too. they really are fast as lightning bolts. now i see them for what they are i am just aware of their coming and going from afar, anchored in the vast shelter of my own inner self. there's this real sense that i am rooted in this strong, clear, bright and open inner quiet. i feel safe. now that i am getting more used to being in this state i can't imagine i would want to go back to where i was. but here's the funny thing. back when i was in that state of getting swept up and tossed around in the torrents of thoughts, feelings and emotions i thought that was the only way to be. last night hwubby and i went to this deli in portland, oregon to try their hand-made, home-smoked, hand-sliced pastrami. i say, good pastrami. hwubby doesn't like it so much. he says, it's not new york pastrami. i contemplate on this. i realize in hwubby's mind, he sees pastrami through the thoughts, feelings and emotions of a new yorker, a brooklyn boy. if i may say so he doesn't see this home-made pastrami through the eye of his own inner self:)

mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness

a lot of mental activity come and go in this morning's meditation. no wonder the sages say, thoughts travel faster than light. one moment there's a thought about oakland, california. in the next moment is another thought about hong kong. i catch myself getting swept up in it when i feel a little dizzed out from the mental twirlings and swirlings. i know i am in a sort of crisis mode when i see the mind getting stuck in a cantonese popular tune about a compulsive gambler. i am about to be sucked into the worrying, anxious, fearful, insecure mode. meanwhile the body is still in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture. i am still vaguely aware of the rib cage movement. so i summon the will to turn attention to the breath. i take in a deep one, watch the chest expand and then the belly, follow the long outbreath all the way into the natural stillness into which the exhalation merges. then, in a subtle way, i experience the sweet security permeating me. it lasts until the next inbreath begins and the next thought appears. but just a sip of this sweet possibility energizes me. i'm, once again, in the vast, open sky of the inner self with clouds rolling by. clouds are temporary things just as mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness.

residual habits are tenacious like tiny bamboo shoots. it's just that.

as i see another spurt of mental activity over the sky of the inner self, and this time i see it all has to do with comparing with others, i am hit with a heavy dose of impatience. i thought i had already dealt with this. why is it coming back? when will it go away, really go away? then in another round of breathing in deep and breathing out long i remember what the bamboo expert explaining to me about rooting out bamboos. first i take out the bulk of it. next growing season i see some shoots springing above ground nearby. i nib it as soon as i see them. they are definitely bamboo but nowhere near the twelve-fee-tall, inch-thick canes. rather they are short and tiny. i ask, how long will this go on? she says, it will be a while. they are really tenacious. ahhh. so are these old habitual tendencies. look. i am watching them, journaling them. i am not being them. i know i am not them. i am getting stronger. they are getting weaker. they are short and tiny residual tendencies. not tall and thick bamboo canes anymore. this is where understanding comes in. this is where faith matters. this is where intensifying my meditation practice will strengthen my footing in the sky of the inner self. my own inner self which is pure and the source of creativity, courage, abundance and strength.

ahhh. the tendency to compare is a twisted expression of the longing to find my own true worth. and it exists within me. i just have to look in the right direction. turning inward. not the other way round.

the sky of the inner self is o so sweet

meditate the entire day in whites. what a great thing to do after 11 days roaming coast to coast, city to city, kitchen to kitchen, enjoying the variety of people. no sooner than i sit down than all my concerns about whether i could sit on the floor for extended periods of time after meditating lying down for days are gone. the body gladly settles into a solid, stable easy lotus and there i stay with sublime, sweet contentment. i realize i am looking at the sky of the inner self. the outer sky is as vast and open as the inner one. and just like clouds of all shapes and sizes appear, move and dissipate in the sky clouds of mental activity do the same routine in the inner sky. in fact  a lot of times they come and go so fast that i can't even make out what the contents of these mental meteors are. and it doesn't bother me. i don't chase after clouds. i keep gazing into the sky. as the day of meditation unfolds i realize i'm witnessing sublime alchemy taking place within me. steady, subtle sweetness are being released into all the joints, tissues, ligaments of the body, the entire lake of the mind. hwubby takes a look at me at the end of the day and says, you look so refreshed. give credit where credit is due. i was so tired the night before after a day of schlepping and traveling that i was about to give up on the meditation event. but hwubby says, you have to go. so i do. thank you, hwubby.

lake of the inner self. cape cod

sipping spiced milk in an aged adirondack chair. scanning the vista in front of me. a small lake surrounded by lush green of various hues. the morning air is fresh, cool and still. i'm sitting in the shade of an old maple. nonetheless i feel the sweet, gentle warmth of the sun. i let my gaze out into the far side of the lake. instantly i feel a wave of relaxation rippling out from the loosening eye muscles. the subtle motion within echoes the lovely silvery-blue huge rings gliding across the open, quiet lake surface. there is sublime purity within and without.

out of the corner of my eye i see the play of shadows in the meadow between me and the cottage. the inner eye is aware of the sporadic mental activity. i have no desire to find out what they are. i just let them come and go. my awareness rests in the lake of the inner self. it is quiet. it is open. it is pure.

dim flashes across the sky of the inner self

on one hand i want full realization. on another hand, when i meditate these days it feels so very enough just to immerse into that pure and strong peace within. i know, i know the universal self pervades all things and creatures. yet meditation grants me the experience of the unfiltered, sparkled inner self. more and more i watch the mental activity come and go. in fact, this morning, they come and go so quickly i barely have the chance to even see what they are. like flashes. dim flashes across the sky of the inner self. they used to be thunders and lightning bolts that paralyze and devour me. not anymore. i am the inner self. end of story.

inner self is the best planner

planned to be in tahoe for 3 days. ended up 10 days. i'm not complaining. it's a heavenly place and i made progress with the rewrites. having said that i am aware of the piles of worldly tasks that await. so in this morning's meditation i have to really summon that thing called willpower, which comes from the inner self, to pull back attention from being sucked into worrying and anxious thoughts. after a while i am settled into the flow of the sound of the easy breath while watching the mental activity come and go. the outbreaths are so long and deep and releasing. each exhalation takes away a little more of the worrying tendency that is based in the sense of separateness from the inner self. i emerge from meditation knowing i am in a calm state, my true state. the body is relaxed. i see what task needs to be taken care in this moment. preparations for spiced milk, tea, lamb bone soup. as i am mortaring the spices and chopping ginger i see the essential to-do for the two weeks ahead. solid and clear. this is effortless planning.

i feel much better. thanks so much, my inner self. you're the best planner.

tahoe sunset. spiced milk

with feel cool and wet i sit on the tahoe beach amidst an exquisite sunset. for quite a while i am drawn to the sounds of the gentle wave rolling in all the way to the tip of my toes. the tingles are thrilling. i see the incoming waves carrying piles of bubbles with them, much like the surges of mental activity. the bubbles burst as the waves run out their momentum. so unless i feed into the mental activity they are bound to run out their momentum as well. and the mind will return to a tranquil state.

last night a fellow yogi makes spiced milk. hot, aromatic. one sip i already notice a feeling of deep settling in. i sleep better and deeper. this morning's meditation has a pristine quality that is subtle but unmistakable.

going for the sky and beyond.

3 am. doing my oral thing i have this experience of me watching suk wah getting sucked into some negative mental activity. watching suk wah being pulled here and there by this concern and that worry i could't believe i had lived like that for so long.

then in meditation as i sit comfortably in the body for 2 hours i realize i am having this priceless direct knowledge of who i am and who i am not. i am definitely not that one who identifies with the thoughts and feelings. i am the one who watches with great patience and understanding and clarity and strength. physical strength. mental strength. emotional strength.

a few hours later i am on my way to lake tahoe, taking in the spectacular vista of swathes of alpine trees. they all soar straight up going for the sky and beyond. so am i.

meditating on mental activity is like distracted driving

what do i do when i see thoughts or mental activity appear in meditation? i don't drive, though i do have a driving license. it's sort of like keeping focus on steering the vehicle while being aware of things coming and going on both sides of the road. o, there's the store that i have a gift certificate. i wonder if the item i want to have is on sale now. hey, there's that new movie. i wonder if it's any good since this director's last work was crap. look, there's the dessert place that everybody's raving about. if i drive like this i am a hazard on the road. for me, it's similar in meditation. i see mental activity come. i see mental activity go. i don't look into the contents. no exceptions. i just gently bring attention to the sound and motion of the easy breath. do i lapse? you bet. so i return to it over and over and over. usually i see bright,velvety lights in the vast inner space. that's where i want to be in. it brings me so much peace, so much sweetness, so much lightness. as this habit of watching mental activity come and go it gets easier and easier to stay in the present in day-to-day living. i feel more relaxed about everything. the kick is, i can see more clearly what need to be seen than if i am in this worried, anxious, contracted mode. i do it not because some ancient book says it. i do it because it works.

reflections in the mirror of the mind

hwubby says, i'm having this experience of a peace that is beyond understanding, no words for it.

indeed. that's the thing about being with the inner self, being in the inner self, being the inner self. the experience is so beyond the mind, beyond the experience of the senses. in this morning's meditation, the moment i drape the shawl over my head, the final step in settling the body into the easy lotus posture, my awareness just dives instantaneously into a place within that is so great that i have no words for it. there's a wakefulness and alertness that is fresh and exhilarating. yet it is quiet, exquisitely quiet. for a little while i see the mind in the state of a sparkling mirror. all mental activity are but reflections.

if i were to die right now...

let the mind become inseparable from the inner self. that's what comes to me as i contemplate on the question 'how do i know whether it's the heart or the mind talking?'

hwubby says, yeah, there's this voice that says you can do this, and then there's this voice that goes neah neah neah, and then you are pulled all over the place.

that's where meditation comes in. as far as i am concerned, it's only with a mediation practice that i'm more and more able to ground myself in the present. only then, when i am coming from that place i'm not mistaking mental noise for the voice of the inner self.

what if there's doubt? then i take a pause, turn attention to the breath, breathe in deep, breathe out long, and apply this question, if i were to die right now what would i wish i had done in this moment?