flexitarian. soup recipe.

let me be clear. i'm not vegetarian. what am i? flexitarian. here's what i really love about the food principles in ayurveda. they are not against any food. the classical ayurveda texts do not say, don't eat this or that. what it says is this, eat what you can digest. if u have good digestion, even poison can turn into nectar. if u have poor digestion then even nectar is poison for you. seriously. three sanskrit words sum it all up. hitabuk, mitabuk, ritabuk. seasonal. local. moderation. ayurveda is not food police. my doctor ji,  dr harikrishnan, in his gentle, straightforward manner, says, once in a while, have fun, you can eat a little bit of everything. simple, huh? but, pay attention, suk wah. the key words are 'once in a while',  'a little bit.' the problem with my old eating habits has a lot to do with...eating more than what i truly need. the stomach is of the size of a fist. ayurveda text says fill half of it with solid food, a quarter water and fourth quarter free. as i look back on how i ate i cannot tell you how thankful i am to my belly. it has been so abused and yet so forgiving, putting up with my mindless eating.

therefore it's not exaggerating to say ben and i have revolutionized the way we eat, what we eat , how much and how we eat. not to say i don't get taken over by residual habits once in a while but those habits are definitely not in the driver seat anymore.

but, i must emphasize that cooking based on ayurveda principles do not mean awful food. quite the opposite. case in point. a lentil soup i make and take to torah study has been so popular that my rabbi says, suk wah, if you want to make this soup you are welcome to my house anytime. several study mates say, suk wah, send me the recipe. nothing makes a cook happier to see the pot scooped out dry and everyone says, who makes this soup, it is delicious. so, here we go.

INGREDIENTS
SERVES 12

SOUP

red lentil, 1 1/2 cup
asafatieda, a nice pinch. crucial to take away gas. get it in indian store. i go to bombay spice house.
cumin, 1/8 tsp
coriander, 1/8 tsp
turmeric, 1/8 tsp
rock salt to taste
pepper, couple of grind
tamari, a splash or two to taste

VEG
onion, medium chop, a few Tsp. take it out if cooking for buddist
cumin seed 1/8 tsp
coconut oil, 1 Tsp, or a little more if you so please
carrot, small cubes, 1/2 cup, more if you like
green bean, bite size, 1/2 cup at least, or other seasonal veg. green bean gives nice color and texture.
turmeric, 1/8 tsp
cumin, 1/8 tsp
coriander, 1/8 tsp
tamari, splash or two
dry mango powder, 1/8 tsp, optional, get it in indian store
asafatieda, a pinch
cilantro leaves, plenty or to taste.

let's start cooking.

wash lentil in room temp water  a few times until water clear. put in soup pot. add 7-8 cups water. put on highest notch, uncovered, to let it come to boil.

while keeping an eye on soup pot chop and start cooking veg. here's the secret. cook veg separately. the end product is so much tastier. flavor profile fuller and richer. anyway heat up a pan or small pot, depending on how much veg i have, put in coconut oil. i hear you asking, why not veg oil? first, it tastes better. second, more importantly, coconut oil has good cholesterol, you know, MCT,  medium chain triglycerides. seriously. google it. coming back to cooking veg. add cumin seed, asafatieda. by the way i always add a pinch of asafatieda. you never know what might cause gas. e.g. cabbage and cauliflower and green leafies are gaseous. when cumin seed sizzle, put in onion. stir for a minute or until translucent. sprinkle a little rock salt and splash of tamari. i always put in these two with each addition of veg. it brings out that extra veg aroma and flavor.

by now lentil is probably coming to boil. the next step is important. remove foam. that's gas producing.  huge. major. then put in asafatieda, bring it down to medium heat so it's rigorously simmering. stir periodically.

meanwhile, return to veg. add cumin, coriander, tumeric. stir rigorously for 30 sec or until you smell that beautiful aroma of spices. now, put in carrot or the veg that takes longest to cook. stir well, do the rock salt and tamari thing. if you like it more peppery go ahead and grind it in at this point. or you might do it at very end. up to you. okay, then put in a few teaspoons of water. let it come back to boil while stirring periodically. cover, cook a minute or two on medium heat. then add in green bean. again, rock salt and tamari. stir. cover. cook 2-3 minutes or until just done, not mushy.  turn off flame, add dry mango powder. throw in cilantro leaves. stir well.

somewhere in midst of cooking veg, lentil is done. add spices, salt, tamari. a word of caution. be light abot it because seasoned veg is already salted. you can always add more salt but can't take it out. turn off flame.

pour the whole veg thing into hot lentil. i scrape every bit off bottom. that's where deep flavor lies where a little caramelization action happen. mix really well.

there you have it. enjoy. pair with a bowl of grain and it's a yummy, full meal.

happiness generator. doggie.

i am not a dog person but i have to say this one really tugs my heart. look. i walk into the rabbi's house for torah study. what catches my eye before the rabbi's beaming, welcoming presence? a caramel-gold bundle wiggles on the floor, partly hidden behind the couch. turns out it's his new dog. a four month old golden labradoodle. i wish i could take a photo of him standing on hind legs, placing the front ones on the rabbi's thigh while the rabbi is singing the praises of yhvh. his eyes can be barely seen from underneath the soft gold fur. his wet tongue practically swinging and swaying in sync with the rhythm of the rabbi's singsong prayer. i can picture this sweetie having his own yamulke and tzizit. my rabbi is one of those rare beings who knows his life purpose and utterly comfortable in his own being. having said that i can see this little puppy brings a special flavor of joy to his heart. i say as much. he says, yes, he is a happiness generator.

and that brings to my mind another lovely happiness generator. true story. this person had to move. the circumstance was such that she couldn't take her dog. so she prayed, please let me find a place for her, the right place. nothing happened. nothing seemed to be working out.

the moving date was drawing near. she kept praying. one day while she was walking the dog a couple and their child appeared from around the corner. the child saw the dog and cried, doggie, doggie. the parents looked at the dog like they just ran into god. the long and short of it was their child was autistic and had not uttered a sound since birth. until this 'doggie' moment. need i say more about how the story ended? and that brings to mind some words from my guru. what's needed at all times is full faith and surrender. 

sky of iron, earth of gold.

the skies above your head shall be copper and the earth under you iron. for some reason these words from this week's torah portion catch my eye. they ring familiarity. where have i seen them before? over the yummy potluck sabbath meal something comes to me. a bright sense. i see it like looking at a gold coin lying at the bottom of a clear and still pond. a story. the story of alexander the great as told by my guru. i heard it once and it's been fiercely seared within me since.

here's how it goes as i recall it now.

when alexander first became king he summoned the best and brightest astrologers in the land. he asks of them one question only. when will i die? the astrologers went to work. they came back and said, your majesty, you will die when sky turns to iron and earth gold. wow. what does that mean? that's exactly what alexander asked. the astrologers didn't have an answer. so alexander thought and thought. well, how can sky turns to iron? impossible. how can earth turns to gold? impossible. well, that can only means one thing. sky will never turn to iron. earth will never turn to gold. and i will never die.

with that understanding, alexander went out to conquer and conquer and conquer. his soldiers believed their commander could not be defeated. the armies on the opposite side in the battlefield lost the will to fight. after all how can you beat someone who is destined to never die?

fast forward. alexander was passing through a rough terrain. he started to feel ill. he wanted to stop and pause a little bit. his loyal general said, your majesty, we are in the middle of nowhere, this is not a place suitable to receive your majesty. please let us go a little further. alexander agreed. he soldiered on. he grew sicker and sicker. finally he couldn't hold it anymore. he decided to just stop and get off the horse right there. his loyal general immediately removed his protective vest that is woven of fine threads of gold and spread it out so that his king would not lie on coarse sand. then he held up his shield of iron over alexander's head as shade. alexander lay down, closed his eyes. after a while he felt a little better. he opened his eyes. what did he see? iron over his head. gold underneath him. in less than a wink he remembered. he knew. he started to sob and sob and sob. the general said, your majesty, you''ll be allright. alexander said, it's too late. the general said, what do you mean? alexander said, if only i knew then what i know now, i would have done differently, but it's too late. he wept and wept and wept to death.

mp3 brahmin

i am emailing back and forth with a brahmin in an indian village. he is from a lineage of at least fourteen generations. he specializes in yajur vedas, a major branch in the four vedas. the vedas are what i think of as the hindu equivalent of torah. directly revealed scriptures. what is my point here? i am so fortunate. until as recent as a decade or so you have to travel far and wide, go deep into india and you have to know what to look for. it's a pilgrimage itself just to find a real brahmin, not to mention a great one. and here i am, sipping mango lassi, tweedling my thumbs in oakland, california, downloading an ancient mantra sent by this real deal brahmin on mp3. it is hilarious to watch him working my vedic charts. in traditional white brahmin garbs, in full lotus, entering my data into a laptop. i have forgotten to mention he is on facebook. hwubby and i are fortunate off the charts to be able to have him read our stars and planets face to face. but i understand he skypes. meet the twenty-first century brahmin.

all these delightful things aside the reason i have a sense he is for real is this. i don't like astrologers doing astro speak to me, like, mars is in retrograde, venus is moving into your eighth house, jupiter is not aligned...blah blah blah. all i want to know is whether i should fire my literary agent who has not made a sale yet. i can't grasp any of these astro-techno talk. in fact they confuse me. my brain becomes a mush. but this is not the way this brahmin works. he takes my birth data, enters into this software, and in a few moments he begins to speak, describing what stars and planets and so on are there. but it is obvious to me that he is not speaking to me so much as he is entering all this data into him. this goes on a couple of minutes. then he looks at me and says, in his accented but clear and direct english, this is your chart in general, now we can discuss, what questions you have? from then on he speaks in plain and simple language to me. his voice is bright and light. the timbre is metallic. the color is crystalline. it is suffused with authority steeped in a lifetime of rigorous learning and discipline.

as i reflect on being in his presence, i recall i have an experience in the past that is as close as can be to this. my younger sister is in the hospital. they tell me her liver is failing rapidly. it's in the eighties in hong kong. the doctor says, there's nothing we can do. i remember vividly how i feel deep within. i say to myself, no, i'm not going to let her die. i pull out all of my connections. i am given to call this person in taiwan. his name. dai ge. big brother in mandarin. all i know he is a practitioner of a secretive and exclusive branch of tibetan buddhism. supposedly he is elusive and hard to reach. but i get him just like that. i dial the number. he picks up. i tell him who sends me and say, my sister is very sick. he asks a simple question and puts me on hold. i don't think he is away for long. anyway when he returns he says, i have borrowed life for your sister, here's a mantra that she should repeat. i say, what's your fee? he says, no. i return to the hospital. before i can enter the ward a nurse greets me at the door. she says, your sister's liver function is much better. i go to my sister's bed. she's sitting up. i say, muimui, what happens? she says, last night i am sleeping... suddenly the room turns very bright, i see this man at the door, he says, come with me...i say, no, my big sister tells me not to go with anyone...he says again, come with me...i say, no, big sister tells me not to go with anyone... he says it the third time...i say the same thing...and he goes away... and the brightness disappears.

gee, why am i rambling all this ancient history? o, yes, the brahmin. i ask a question, or state my particular situation. he goes quiet for a moment. it is evident that his attention and gaze are turning within. who knows what worlds he is consciously watching. but all the time i have no doubt that he is present with me. in a couple of instances he asks a simple but totally unrelated question. and then he goes quiet again. i can sense that he is going through some scanning and computation within. and then he would give a direct answer to my question or remedy to the situation at hand.

hwubby says, a lot of the things he says are really what i feel deeply inside but the mind kicks into doubt, like, really, no, this can't be, it doesn't make sense. no, not to the physical senses. my inner self and the self of hwubby and the self of all are the same in essence. my inner self is no different from the self of the sun, moon, jupiter, mars and the stars and planets in the hundreds of billions of galaxies that the physical eyes can and cannot see. in fact i would go so far as to say my inner self is the same as the self that creates the entire physical universe.

i am listening and chanting along to the ancient mantra that the facebook brahmin mp3 me. the beautiful and bright vibrations fill me up. there's no room for negativity and doubt in the mind. and this is precisely the purpose of this mantra. take away negativity and doubt.

what's a real chinese meal like?

i'm in, robin, my jewish sis's car on the way to sabbath morning service and torah study. somehow our sabbath conversation turns to food. she says, can i get some real chinese food in berkeley. i say, yeah, but the one i really like is not in berkeley and the walls are covered with handwritten dish names that you don't find in the printed menus. robin says, yeah, i've seen that, and i don't really know what they are from the english translations. i say, you're right, they don't convey the depth and breadth of them. robin says, all right, so can you tell me what is a real chinese meal like? i pause for a moment or two. i say, okay, so here's a simple home meal i had recently.

check this out. a soup of american ginseng and black silk-bamboo chicken. slow cooked for hours, needless to say. my hostess got fresh fish from the tank. she didn't get the whole fish. robin says, why, i thought you eat the whole thing. i say, you're right but in this case my cousin, the hostess, makes an elegant decision because of what i like. robin says, which is what? i say, fish head. she braises the fish head with crumbled bean curd skin and shittake. i share the fish cheeks with my nephew. but the best part of this dish is the bean curd skin. it soaks up the essence of everything. the delicate texture and flavor of bean curd skin meld all the strong tastes into a rich and surreal whole. the fish tail is simply steamed with lots of julienne ginger and green onion. robin says, what about the rest of the fish? i chuckle and say, that's too tough for out palette because the fish is too big, we leave it for americans to do their fillet thing. robin laughs. i continue. for veggie there is stir fry hairy squash with dried shrimps. robin goes quiet before she says, you talk just like martin yang. i giggle, waggle a finger and say, uc-ah, i talk like me. robin says, that's right, that's right. robin has always been someone who strongly encourages me to speak up and speak for myself. during torah study sessions, every so often when i am not really sure if i want to say my two-cent amidst the fireworks of insights and comments robin would turn to me and say, do you have anything to say, suk wah? does she pick up my momentary contraction when i forget that the force of yhvh flows through me just as it does everyone else? i don't know. all i know is i am so fortunate to be able to enjoy all these fantastic and spectacular ancient traditions. i am a lucky chin-jew.

me and the golden calf

i'm not an intellectual. i am not a political activist. i am not a thinker. i am a simple yogi. that's why i am irresistibly drawn to the chassidic way of receiving the torah. i look at the tale of the golden calf and i see myself in the israelites. not moses. i wish. true that moses can't control his anger and in that i can claim some resemblance. but moses has this unwavering faith in yhvh and strong detachment to wealth and all things material. think about it. first he abandons his life as the prince of egypt. then, upon hearing a call from a burning bush, he walk away from a stable and wealthy life complete with wife and kids. for what? to lead a stiffnecked people through a whole host of trials and tribulations, and then to be told in his face that he would never live to step foot on the promised land. still his faith remains intact and radiant. i wish i had moses' kind of faith.

anyhow, anyhoo, i'm more of the israelites. how so. i tend to forget just as they forget that it's yhvh who leads them, empowers them to walk out of the narrow land of slavery. i doubt easily just as the israelites. and this is why i love the torah so much. it's authentic. it gives me hope. rabbi lerner says, this is the second revelation. yhvh sees that he can take the slaves out of egypt but he can't take the narrow consciousness out of slaves. they can't hold the sublime truth. kind of like looking straight into the blazing sun. they slip right back into the grip of fear. and here comes compassion. really, without compassion i would have been obliterated all ago.

i stick to the schedule. i need it.

i am taking a quick scan of the arc of events in the last month.  right away one thing is clear. regardless of the roller coaster developments of circumstances i want to stick to my schedule of meditation, spiritual practices and torah study. having said that i am perfectly willing to stay with what's unfolding and do what's necessary to make sure hwubby is on a path to full and irreversible recovery. guess what happens? i have to fly across country two times in less than a week, commute between vallejo and oakland and i have not missed a torah study and i meditate every morning. as a matter of fact i chant guru gita every morning during my stay in vallejo, as well as shiva arati. without a doubt i need the schedule, i need the practices to hold me firm in the place of the inner self. from here i am happy no matter what goes up and comes down outside of me, i don't care who thinks what about me, i feel fortunate, abundant and soooo grateful. hwubby feels the same too.

am i complaining? absolutely not.

here i am watching this pain in the lower back. what a great opportunity to cultivate witness consciousness. i take care of it. make no mistake. i am not pollyannish about it. yet, i am not the pain. i am pure consciousness. my torah study buddy says, how are you doing, suk wah? i say, i'm striving to keep my head above water. and i burst into laughter. he says, doesn't sound like you are complaining. i say, absolutely not, i am alive, hwubby's healing is on the way, the things that matter are in place and there's torah study tomorrow. i am happy.

i don't meditate and torah study to gain benefits and yet...

i don't go to torah study because i want to get benefits in anyway from anybody. i simply love the sweetness of torah. i don't do spiritual study groups regularly because i want somebody to do something for me. i just enjoy the holy company of fellow yogis who love immersing in the lights of the scriptures. i couldn't have schemed or engineered or fantasized the scope and breadth of good fortunes that have been falling into my lap one after another at super-duper speed.

first case in point. i'm in bellevue trauma ward after a sleepless night. i'm allowed to stay there twenty-four hours, but not to sleep. i put together two chairs, doze off, feel someone tapping my shoulder. it's the night nurse whispering, my supervisor says you can't sleep here. the chinese in me who is scared of authority jolts me up. i'm in that enforced state of sleeplessness for goodness how long when someone says, are you suk wah? i say, yes. the person says, there's a call for you at the nurse station. my heart jumps and skips. i blankly say into the phone, hull-ooo? a guy's voice says from the other end of the line, suk wah, this is so-and-so. my mind stays blank. i could not recognize this name. after an awkward pause, he begins to speak. i cannot make any meaning out of the words until these two. torah study. suddenly i remember like seeing the sun popping above the horizon. yes. i know who he is. he sometimes goes to torah study in the rabbi's house. we rarely speak to each other except greeting each other shabbat shalom. i blurt out, yes, yes, ben-ji. this is the name i know him by. he goes straight to the point. suk wah, i know you need a place to stay, you can stay in my apartment. just like that. no questions asked. no conditions. a couple of weeks later i find out what transpires. judy, the point contact person in the shul, emails the entire shul population about my need to find a place to stay in the city. ben-ji's boyfriend, steve, gets it while in an airport somewhere in the world. he knows this apartment fits my needs. the trick is there is another person staying there but about to leave. so there's only a tiny window of time to get me the key to the apartment. meanwhile judy, under my strict instruction, would not give out my cell to anyone. so steve, whom i sometimes like to joke around with, says, call bellevue. as it turns out, i have a two bedroom garden level apartment all to myself. i can have a meditation room. i can chant facing a snow-covered garden. i can take a bus from around the corner and get off at the entrance to bellevue. to top it off, it's a beautifully done place. elegantly simple. chic with a lot of character.

second case in point. at the last minute i need a ride on a monday afternoon to drop off an envelope to the lawyer in new york. the first name that pops up is claire. she is my spiritual study buddy. i know she is off on mondays because we have to periodically adjust our weekly study schedule. i call her. she just comes. again. no question asked.

my guru says, again and again, to the effect, get the relationship with your inner self right and everything will be all right. well, it's more than all right. it's infinitely more spectacular than i could have imagined. but then, all this and all this are not why i meditate, chant and study and do the practices. it's because i love it. i can't stop doing them.

what is your secret, suk wah?

this past sabbath i was at the annual members' dinner of our shul. as always i sing and dance to the hymns welcoming and praising sabbath. i see this twenty-five hours as a temple of time, a sacred space where i can immerse in the sweetness of torah, the joy of praying, singing songs. my top fave is this two-line number that says, the entire world is a narrow bridge, and the main thing is not to fear, not to fear at all. the name of the person who wrote the song doesn't come to mind right now but i am sure it's a highly revered rabbi from several centuries ago. so every sabbath i would ask rabbi, can i have a special  request? he would unfailingly indulge me. i would feel so connected to the ancient sage whose wisdom is timeless and timely.

anyhow, i digress. at some point during the members' dinner someone comes up to me and says, what is your secret? how can you sing and dance so happily? i gaze into her. this is a very compassionate, kind and sweet person who has some very difficult situations in her life for a long time. my heart goes out to her, feels for her. i say, well, i am a meditator. she says, i am a meditator too, what's your secret? i don't know what else to say but give her a big hug. i just don't know if it's appropriate to tell her in that moment, because happiness is my true nature, i can't help it, i just take care of whatever is necessary.

i want a sign and here it is.

i need a lawyer who is licensed in new york. a trusted source refers somebody to me. here's a teaching from my guru. trust and verify. i take it seriously. so i pray. please, i need a sign. and then i just keep my ears and eyes and mind open because the sign that i want may come in unexpected forms.

next day, sabbath morning, i study torah in my rabbi's house. in this particular week's torah portion yhvh lays down the first law for the israelites. observe sabbath. this is way before the tablets from mount sinai. several hours later i am home and notice there are messages on the cell. listen to this one from the new york lawyer. suk wah, i'm afraid i won't be able to return your call when you get this message, it's about fifteen minutes from sundown, and i observe sabbath. bingo. that's the sign i've been praying for. i call the guy and say, arnie, you are my lawyer and here's why.

i want to be like the pharoah's daughter

this is a special shout-out to the incredible wisdom of the cyclical design of torah study. i've been going to torah study for a few years. yet this is the first time it has come to my attention that pharoah's daughter consciously raises a hebrew baby as a hebrew. i mean, she could have hired an egyptian woman to nurse him but, no, she gets a hebrew nurse to suckle the child. she names the baby moshe explaining, i drew him out of water. really, what causes an egyptian elite woman do that? this is sort of equivalent to the mistress in a southern plantation raising a black baby as her son. what is she thinking? obviously she is not. she is moved by a force that is way bigger and stronger than the mind. compassion. and that is god shining through her. so brilliantly. so fully. there's no fear, no doubt, no second-guessing, no resistance. what would others think of me? will it jeopardize my privileges? she looks at the baby, and that's it. this egyptian woman is so open and receptive. it is clear to me that the divine power knows no tribe, no race, nor country borders, nor gender, nor class. no wonder i truly feel i am a hebrew because i am a boundary crosser. i am an israelite because i wrestle with god. i want to be like the pharoah's daughter. let the force of compassion move through me and go the whole distance. amen.

i was so disconnected from my own inner self.

in the torah joseph says to his brothers, all this are god's plan, even when you sold me into slavery. so my rabbi asks this of us. looking back what do you see in your life that while it was happening it was horrible but now you see you transformed because of it.

this is what comes to me. at one point i wanted to end my life. it seemed like the only way to end all that anguish, despair. looking back i can see that was when i began to consciously ask myself, what is this life about? who am i? surely i am not this body. i got this shocking revelation when i was preparing my sister's body for funeral. so what exactly am i? why am i unhappy all the time? why am i here anyway? now i know these are the classic questions that impel me to look for answers. all that i knew during that time was this. no material possession can give me lasting happiness. no earthly relationship can show me the real meaning of this life. nothing in this physical life tastes good anymore. not any amount of money can extinguish the unbearable agony that was burning me up inside. aaaah. i was so disconnected from my own inner self. i was out of touch with the state of blissful consciousness which is pure, unchanging and independent. all that despair and agony serve the purpose to set me on the path to reconnect with who and what i really am.

i am proud to be called a jew

how come as a people it is called jews, from the line of judah? why not moseites? avrahamites? isakites? yaaakovites? or even yosefites? how come king david is from a line that originated from the father-in-law, judah, taking his daughter-in-law, tamah, mistaking her for a prostitute? how is that possible that the torah says the messiah is to come from this same line? well, this year, upon examining judah's story for the fourth or fifth year, i can see why. judah is the only figure in torah who would openly admit his mistake, acknowledge it and then some. he says, my daughter-in-law is right and she is more righteous than i. yes, he participates in throwing his brother, yosef, into a pit, selling him into slavery. but he manages to break the cycle of sibling rivalry. he steps up to the plate and asks to be taken as slave in return for releasing benjamin, the son his father dotes on, the only brother of yosef, the son of his father's most favored wife. in other word he rises to the challenges and become transformed. this is the template for me. i can't avoid making mistakes. but once i am conscious of being off the mark i can acknowledge it and step up to do what is necessary and right. in this sense i am proud to be called a jew.

almost spit chai on computer

in this morning's meditation a recurring word comes to me in a gentle and sweet way. judy. i don't need to scribble it down as i usually do with words that appear in meditation. i know exactly what it means. to email a dear, dear friend whose 94 yr old father transitioned a few days ago. before she leaves for the funeral i promise her to say kaddish for her father on sabbath morning with the rabbi and torah study people. it turns out to be a splendid, shining morning. the sun-filled, spacious room overflows with beautiful and bright people. the sound waves of the ancient hymn, that bonds innumerable generations that ever were, are and ever will be coming and going, flows through my entire being and all around me as they ripple out into everywhere in the universe touching my friend, her father and mother and all the wonderful relatives who have come. i am afloat in an expanse of sweet, quiet bliss.

so i come out of meditation thinking this is what i will write to my friend. i open the inbox and what do i see? an email from her. it ends with this, 'As I was listening to the earth hits the coffin, I could also hear my mother saying, "OK then, spicy food and coctails!"'

the surprise chuckle almost makes me spit chai on the computer. what a delightful person she is. and great too. she has been tirelessly serving her marriage for umpteen years. she is showing us how to live in the light and bliss of the present moment.

under test to stay in the present moment

this morning's meditation was pushed back and came to twenty minutes. here's why. we are refinancing our home. we have outstanding credit. we put everything on the credit card to get the miles and pay off the balance in full every month. it has been working swell. until now. as a condition to fund the loan the investor requires the credit card balance to be zero. meanwhile hwubby is doing business traveling. there's a hotel bill that is pending. it turns out it takes two to three days to post onto the balance after the charge is submitted. meanwhile the interest rate is down to the wire. the thought wave that consumes the mind is, what if the loan can't get funded, we're screwed, i wish.... as i go back and forth with hwubby who is returning a rental car on the way to an airport somewhere in virginia he says, you are so worked up. something in me surges to place a dam across the rush of resistance, resentment and defensiveness. i turn quiet. he says, go meditate. so i do. by that time i can meditate twenty minutes because i don't want to miss torah study with my rabbi.

as i settle into the natural movement of the easy breath i begin to experience a subtle shift in the way i look at the fast-evolving situation. 'what if the loan can't get funded' is a thought, a riff of mental activity. 'we're screwed' is a reaction on that initial thought. 'i wish...' is a reaction on the reaction. and so on and so forth. blah blah blah. following this thought wave takes me away from the inner self, out of the present moment and i can't see what i need to see. as my breath becomes a little deeper and a little longer with each breath i receive this message from within. stay focused on what you can do in the present moment and see what happens.

i come out of meditation, make chai, arranges a ride to torah study, arranges to pay the credit balance as it is. meanwhile hwubby has got the hotel to work on retracting the charge and accepting payment on the debit card. it's the best we can do for now. i'll check in with the credit card people tomorrow and see what happens. 

walking with avraham

for me the great thing about the jewish high holidays is not just about the thrilling prayers, piercing torah commentaries and exhilarating singing and dancing. it is to have this block of blessed time and sacred space carved out for the purpose of examining where i have been 'off the mark' and direct the arrow of attention and awareness to returning to the bull's eye, the present moment, where yhvh dwells and the source of courage, strength and sweetness are. more often than not during the year i forget the inner self and stray from the path. i confuse between the process of thinking and the contents of thoughts. i am not the contents of the mental activity.

in the meditation the rabbi do with us on second day of rosh hashanah i see myself in the meadow surrounding the lake of holy waters in the ashram where i had the great good fortune to live for a few years. then i find myself in the presence of avraham. yes, if there's some figure in the torah i want to be it's avraham. why? he walks with g-d. i want to walk with g-d. i don't know how. so the next best thing is to walk with someone who walks with g-d. anyway, in the meditation, we walk in simple quiet. there's no sense of time. just  crystal clear openness.

inner self is the one constant through yo-yos

awakened from a dream of gripping anxiety, all about getting lost, can't find my way home. it feels so real that i forget that it's not real.

meditation this morning is bright, clear and a deep sense of security. looking at the dream from this state i realize all those times when i was caught up in worry and fear in their whole range of shapes and sizes i forgot that they were all but dreams. the one who is aware of the dream is the one who is watching this meditation. my own inner self is the one constant through all the yo-yos.

i come out of meditation bursting into my favorite song after torah study meal. 'the entire world is a narrow bridge. the main thing is not to fear at all.' halleluja.

hammer the body and mind into gold

here's how the menorah should be made as instructed by yhvh. the lampstand is hammered from gold from base to petal. the seven lamps give light at the front of the stand.

in this simple mind i see the lampstand to be the body and mind, the lights the light of god. god's light shows me the way forward. god's light is the way forward. god's light is the path. the lights are blazing within the lampstand. so is the light of my own self within me. 'hammered' is a keyword. so is 'gold.' i have to work hard to turn the body and mind into pure gold in order to hold the light. for me, meditation is the 'hammer.'

what is jealousy?

during torah study rabbi lerner asks, what do you think jealousy is? this is while we are examining a torah portion about making a woman drink 'cursed' muddy water if her husband has a fit of jealousy. it doesn't matter if she has really committed adultery. i can see why women over the ages are outraged over this. but then, coming from a culture and tradition where women suspected of adultery were bound up, locked in a cage and thrown alive into water i can see why i sort of feel like, well, at least she is not drowned alive. it doesn't make the practice less humiliating, shaming and traumatic though.

i digress.

what is jealousy? i'm really grateful that my rabbi is always looking for a way to make the ancient torah relevant to me right here right now. i think jealousy has to do with feeling not enough, not good enough, not having enough. it has to do with the fear of losing control. o yes, i know these feeling so, so well. for so long i was so caught up into them, totally bought into them. not anymore. through the power of meditation i realize that the sense of enough-ness that i crave can only be found within me. i cannot find it in anyone else and in anything else. i may have the illusion that so-and-so makes me feel so great about myself. i may think if only i had this or that i would be so happy. but what really happens is when i get what i want the mind goes quiet. the light of my self shines forth. it is that light that gives me the experience of being enough, having enough. but, aiya, the experience only lasts as long as i am connected to the self and the mind thinks that to sustain the connection i have to go for more stuff, more control. meditation is the only way i know how to strengthen and purify the connection in a real, lasting way.