taking in each moment as it comes

just days away from boarding a plane to hong kong. this is something we have meant and planned to do twice in twelve months. and twice we canceled. first it was hwubby not healing properly after extensive gum surgeries. then it was him hit by a taxi. call me superstitious, whatever. this time around i said i am not going to make any formal announcement, and by that i mean telling my eighty-one-year-young mother, until a week before departure. so there i am narrowing down the choices for travel insurance - we didn't have any the first time and we lost a bundle - when hwubby walks through the door and says, they have to extract a tooth on friday. can anyone blame me for feeling a punch and squeeze in the chest. i can see ten thousand thoughts going in ten thousand and one directions. fortunately i spot a lifeline in the mumbo jumbo of mental jungle. a golden ray that clearly says, stay in the present. so i take a deep breath in, long breath out. i have to do it a few rounds. the sense of being overwhelmed keeps shooting out tentacles like a giant octopus and going straight towards my neck. a couple of times it nearly gets me. before it can have my neck in its grip i keep saying to myself quietly, stay in the present, stay in the present. it's hard work, i'm telling ya. by the time i go to bed i feel like i come out of a hard-won struggle. i am not blinded by tendencies borne out of poverty consciousness. i am simply, as hwubby says, you are really working hard to take in each moment as it comes, good for you. hey, i'll take that.

wow. i'm not kidding. as i am typing this, hwubby calls and says, i can have the tooth pulled this afternoon instead of friday. such a move on the part of grace. i feel like this is my reward for staying in the moment.

even tripping up is grace.

no two meditations are the same. this much i know. but i don't know it can be this dramatic from one day to the next. yesterday was all sweet peace. here's how this morning goes. in the beginning it all seems to go as i have been doing the action sequence day in and day out. look. i get up, have my drink of chlorophyll, aloe, a little apple juice and psyllium, poop, - i cannot overstate what a huge difference pooping before meditation makes to the quality of meditation, but i'd better get back to the real drama of the day before i get carried away with pooping - where am i? o, right, then i wash the mouth and teeth and face. some gentle stretches. bow to four directions. bow to my meditation seat. so far, nothing is off track. yet somewhere around i put the earplugs and eyewraps in place i begin to sense something is off within. a little bit. very subtle. it's like the camera lens is slightly, very slightly, out of focus. so slightly that i just dismiss it.

i proceed to rigorously rub my hands to give a little tai chi bath to the eyes, face, head, neck and chest. as i am about to begin reciting 'a thousand mirrors,' the poem that i have been letting off my lips daily for one and a half years i hear a tiny whisper. you'll trip. i thought i knew what it meant. i'll trip over the poem 'breakthrough' which i am about halfway through memorizing. but as i type this now i realize that is the beginning of me getting out of the present moment. the onset of getting off center.

anyway words stream out of me swimmingly. in another corner of the mind the worry that i'll forget some part of 'breakthrough' loops like a stuck record. not loud. but enough to suck my attention out of the present moment. until suddenly i realize words stop flowing out of the vocal cord like a river's flow is obstructed by an unexpected boulder. my attention goes into shock. panic jams awareness. disbelief shakes up the mind. thought waves strike. negative thoughts. heavy thoughts. this can't be. it's impossible. so i try to gather myself, squeeze the scattered attention into the line. 'the reality of my existence is...is...is...' what is the word after 'is?' nothing comes. the brain jumps up and down and all around inside the skull. banggg. wangg. nothing comes. after a while and i don't know how long in terms of the linear passing of time i drag myself to the next verse. obviously i am still not totally in the present. because after 'each mirror was broken into thousands of fragments' i go right back to 'the reality of my existence is...' i struggle some more and go nowhere but round and round like a scared mouse. meanwhile negative emotions take this opportunity and make their appearance. discouraged is the main one. and exasperated too. i won't go into their extended family.

i begin to notice the breath is out of whack. so i do the only thing i know how to do in such dire circumstance. i turn attention to the breath. in a few rounds i watch the edginess in the breathing movement smooth out. then i hear this. relax. i take a deep breath in, a long breath out. a couple of more rounds later, conviction arises from deep within. i can't recall whether it comes with the inbreath or the outbreath. doesn't matter. they all come from the same place. anyway the message i get is this. i haven't forgotten the poem. really, i haven't. why would i even doubt that. scrap it.

with that i see what i need to do. move on to the next verse. and so i do. as i let the rest of 'a thousand mirrors' flow out of me i feel a refreshed, renewed resonance. 'destruction took its time. while grace was penetrating deeply i said to myself, people say grace is a shelter, why, then, am i losing all i have?'
indeed. 'all the reflections are grace. all the mirrors are grace. grace had revealed that everything is grace.' yes, even tripping up like this is grace.

as i step off the meditation mat i hear the inner self say, write with one voice.  'the power of grace takes me across,' ain't it the truth. ain't it the truth.

an auspicious, joyous happy birthday

what do i feel on the birthday of someone who gives me the experience of my own true nature, shows me how to know it, live it? i feel so happy, so fortunate. she wants the highest for me and nothing from me. well, not exactly. she does want something from me. all that restrain me from becoming and being who i really am. a full and unique expression of the innermost self which is no different from the universal self that creates this ever evolving physical universe.

grateful seekers offer birthday gifts. fruits, jewelries. beautiful things. valuable things. she receive them all with equal thankfulness. in another instant she freely gives them all away. she loves me unconditionally. no strings attached. no attachment either. all she wants is for me to be this happy, strong, courageous and generous person.

one time, over chai, i lament, how can i please my guru? a thoughtful yogi and dear friend and amazing nurse says, do the practices, live the teachings, that's how you please your guru. and so on this auspicious day, joyous day i wish happy birthday to my guru who lives in my pure awareness. she loves me. i love her. this love is pure. this love is divine. it is this love that connects us forever. in the present moment.

ultimate measure of ability to surrender

i would be the first one to admit i am not tech savvy. nope. not a nerd, nor geek. i just kind of know enough to use the web in a limited way for own little purpose. so when hwubby says, my booksite is down the first emotion that erupts in me is helplessness. the first thought that hits me is this. we have to pay at least seventy-five dollars to the web person to fix this.

hwubby is very tolerant and kind. he says, why don't you poke around. so i do. honestly i don't know what to look for. i mean, i have no idea why the screen is all blank. have i or hwubby done something wrong? bingo. there's an old, old residual tendency. i take in one deep breath after another, slowly. then a thought comes up. i'm sure this is not the first time this has happened to anybody in internet history. then one thought pulls out another like pulling silk from cocoon. this could be a common thing. there's probably something about this in 'frequently asked questions.' i start to feel more settled and go down the list of headings on the support page. where to begin? so i do the obvious. from the beginning. 'browser issues.' i have no idea what this means. but there is something soothing when i see a list of instructions. i love following rules. what can i say. i grow up singing 'god save the queen.' it's still my fave tune. but i digress.

by the time i come to the end of the instruction list i see some discouragement needling me. so far nothing works. where do i go from here? what ought i do? i take a pause, and i see something. there is a paragraph at the very bottom of the section. i read it, try to comprehend it and get nowhere. it's something to do with service provider's cache. it's greek to me.

meanwhile i've been communicating with hwubby while he's in between meetings. in the spirit of transparency, and maybe just to show that i am doing something, i sent him the paragraph. he comes right back. he says, i think this is it. i say, what do you mean? turns out the booksite goes through some internet service provider. another phone call later. voila. the site is back up.

the whole point of this experience, for me, is this. stay calm. stay connected to the inner self. stay open. stay in the present moment. as a matter of fact it dawns on me that the ultimate measure of the ability to surrender is the ability to surrender fully into the present moment the way i am able to follow through the instructions one by one, step by step.

hwubby says, yeah, you don't want to save seventy-five dollars. i say, there's nothing wrong with that. besides, whatever works to get me connected with the inner self, it's cool. and if it happens to save money, more power to suk wah. yay.

mindstopper. mindfiller.

on the way to doing practices in shivaa's house shri says, can you share with me something from the poem 'breakthrough?' you bet. so i recite it up to where i am working on. something astonishing happens. i realize, after i finish, that i have completely forgotten one particular verse. why? what happens within me? gazing into the low hanging, dark gray clouds that forcast thundershowers at least i know it has to do with what this verse is talking about. all that which create one wave after another and they strike me and wash me clean. i say to shri, what do you think is the difference between 'resistance' and 'the inability to surrender?' after a momentary pause shri says, this is a mindstopper. bingo. voila. she nails it. these words, pregnant with the master's intention, have the power to stop the mindfillers, all that which take me out of the present moment, disconnect me from being in the joy and love of the inner self. at the end of the day whatever the contents of the mental clouds are they have nothing to do with my own true nature. they may be thundershowers, even thunderstorms. they come. and they go. it's just a matter of time that they will go. unless i hold onto them.

and so it is i immerse myself into the chanting and meditation with fellow yogis. by the time we sing aum all this fantastic electricity spark within me as the choir of sound and resonance strike me and wash me clean.

i emerge hungry, all ready for shivaa's sublime food. i can't have enough of her new creation. check this out. scoop a nice mound of her spring salad of pea shoots, mango, cabbage and carrots, sprinkled with roasted sesame and lemon verbena onto fresh lettuce leaves direct from her veggie garden. generously dollop balinese peanut butter sauce. wrap it up. take a bite. an explosion of freshness and aliveness. this is juicy and crisp love in a wrapper. for soup she puts together adjuki bean, butternut squash, coconut milk and dried mushroom. it's nourishing beyond measure. i have two big bowls.

i have to confess i am not a big fan of rhubarb and i don't eat honey that has been cooked. so very reluctantly i have to almost pass on the gluten-free rhubarb, strawberry dessert. but it looks so good, like, to die for. i say 'almost' because i can't help but have a little bit with vanilla cream. what can i say. to die for, almost:)

i learn so much from this young person

the night before a workshop hwubby runs into some technical issues. so he does the only thing he knows how. he sprints to the apple store. it is fifteen minutes before closing time. the guy assigned to help him says, don't worry, we'll get it done. and he does. hwubby says, he knows what he's doing, he's smart and focused. hwubby likes to find out about people. so he says, what do you do other than this? hwubby doesn't recall how the transitions goes. but very quickly the young man says, i have brain cancer. it turns out that for ten days every month he is sick as can be because of the chemo. yet he is a student, he works at the apple store, he lives by himself, he is at peace with the cards dealt him.

frequently hwubby and i have the great good fortune of meeting people who live a pure and courageous life without saying so. they live by their shining examples. really. i learn so much about acceptance and living in the present moment and staying focused on the task at hand just by hearing how this young person carries himself.

in the presence of a wonder-filled person

i never know where, when and how i receive a sublime, joyous learning experience. case in point. we are invited to dinner with a couple whom i have never met. i get into the back of the car from the passenger side. i see the man who is driving and the brim of the hat of the woman sitting in front of me. all this happen in the midst of a heavy storm during busy traffic in the dark in portland, oregon. o, yes, and my mind is all worked up about walking one and a half blocks from the parking lot to the restaurant in beaded slippers. so it isn't until i settle into a comfortable chair, look across the table and catch the sight of the woman removing her hat and... what do i see? before i know it i hear words streaming out of me. your head has a beautiful shape. it turns out this lady has a lot more than a gorgeous, shining head. she was diagnosed with stage four cancer. four years later she is still here, radiant and beaming. what a luminous smile she has. in a lighthearted and low key tone she says, in a way and manner that is naturally woven into an animated dinner conversation, that every year and a half she has to go through a chemo regimen. it has six sessions of five hour each. meanwhile she is a gardener, an active member in a gardening club, goes to tuscany to visit gardens and keeps her life affairs in order. she is not in denial about where she is. she is not stuck in it either. she is bright, smart and curious. a total delight to be with.

as i type this i realize i have come into the presence of a great and wonder-filled person. her inner light shines forth beautifully and brightly. in her company it is so easy to be in the present moment.

almost spit chai on computer

in this morning's meditation a recurring word comes to me in a gentle and sweet way. judy. i don't need to scribble it down as i usually do with words that appear in meditation. i know exactly what it means. to email a dear, dear friend whose 94 yr old father transitioned a few days ago. before she leaves for the funeral i promise her to say kaddish for her father on sabbath morning with the rabbi and torah study people. it turns out to be a splendid, shining morning. the sun-filled, spacious room overflows with beautiful and bright people. the sound waves of the ancient hymn, that bonds innumerable generations that ever were, are and ever will be coming and going, flows through my entire being and all around me as they ripple out into everywhere in the universe touching my friend, her father and mother and all the wonderful relatives who have come. i am afloat in an expanse of sweet, quiet bliss.

so i come out of meditation thinking this is what i will write to my friend. i open the inbox and what do i see? an email from her. it ends with this, 'As I was listening to the earth hits the coffin, I could also hear my mother saying, "OK then, spicy food and coctails!"'

the surprise chuckle almost makes me spit chai on the computer. what a delightful person she is. and great too. she has been tirelessly serving her marriage for umpteen years. she is showing us how to live in the light and bliss of the present moment.

where the higher self dwells

until i hear myself howling in pain on chiropractor's table when her thumbs are pressing into the left shoulder i have no idea how much tension i have accumulated in the body. no wonder i've been receiving messages from within in meditations saying, go back to sleep. as i contemplate on it i realize what's going on is this. i've been on crisis mode, heightened adrenaline state, pretty much 24/7 for a month and a half. it is said that the sleeping state is where one can really let go of it and allow grace to come through. coming to see this helps bring my awareness to the way the breath is naturally moving in and out of me. coming in deep. going out long. staying in the present moment where the higher self dwells.

hanging in there

my teacher says, you are equal to the challenge in front of you, no bigger, no smaller. i keep telling myself, okay, suk wah, fake it till you make it. and so i keep going. what is real? what is unreal? i don't know anymore. all i can do is to hang on to the present moment with my dear life.

please don't give me more than i can handle

just when i think things have turned a corner i'm presented with another test. today is no different. it has been like this for what i feel like eons. each day i jump through hurdles, go through fire hoops, one or more positive development happens and, boom, it looks like everything is going to fall apart all over again. what else can i do but to refuse to get out of the present moment and focus on the task at hand?! this morning's meditation is nothing but deep quiet. i feel safe in my own self. anchored there i just take care of everything as it is. really, please, i want to get fully realized but please don't give me more than i can handle. please.

i refuse to be tossed around.

there's always something. if it's not one thing, it's another. just when i think it couldn't get any worse, i have to go through another sleepless night. then no sooner than i say to myself, okay, it is what it is, marvelous development lands in the inbox. i check in with my inner self. nothing has changed. the inner self is as it always has been. nothing can add to it, nor subtract from it. and so it is i find myself calm, quiet and clear. taking in each moment as it is. thankful for all the opportunities to sharpen and strengthen the connection with my inner self, to anchor in the sky of pure consciousness, rather than being tossed around, physically and emotionally. i refuse to.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

i am in the center of an up-and-down see-saw

coming out of meditation and straight into one crisis after another. okay, change the word. it's not crisis. it's an opportunity to practice being anchored in my own self. it's a benchmark to see how anchored i am in my own self. in my peripheral vision i am aware that thoughts like, how am i going to get through this, this is too much, i can't believe this is happening now with all that is going on, are hovering. but i summon my free will. i tie attention to the present moment. how am i going to get this fax through to hong kong? ahhh. i remember noticing my cousin on facebook's chat room every so and often. so i go to take a look. there he is. i send off a msg. in the ensuing back and forth he finds out the machine has run out of ink. meanwhile another crisis comes on the scene. i really feel like in the center of a see-saw watching the ups and downs unfold. i have no idea how it's going to play out but i am determined to stick with what's necessary in the moment, including sipping my chai every now and then, one eye on the chat box, cell phone next to ear. and my breath is held steady in the shaft of golden light that runs between base of spine and top of head.

i am fearlessness itself.

this morning's meditation is extra challenging because i had disrupted sleep. i put the phone next to the bed in case an emergency call comes from hong kong where, because it is fifteen hours ahead, is daytime. as it turns out i get three telemarketer calls.

anyhow i yawn crazy during meditation. for the most part. yet, unfailingly, eventually i settle into a place and state of sweet serenity and comforting contentment. from there i come out, fresh and ready for all the challenges awaiting. indeed, fear has no place when i know i am fearlessless itself. it doesn't mean i don't see thoughts and emotions borne out of fear. i just say, there they are, and i return to the boundless strength dwelling in the present moment.

walking with avraham

for me the great thing about the jewish high holidays is not just about the thrilling prayers, piercing torah commentaries and exhilarating singing and dancing. it is to have this block of blessed time and sacred space carved out for the purpose of examining where i have been 'off the mark' and direct the arrow of attention and awareness to returning to the bull's eye, the present moment, where yhvh dwells and the source of courage, strength and sweetness are. more often than not during the year i forget the inner self and stray from the path. i confuse between the process of thinking and the contents of thoughts. i am not the contents of the mental activity.

in the meditation the rabbi do with us on second day of rosh hashanah i see myself in the meadow surrounding the lake of holy waters in the ashram where i had the great good fortune to live for a few years. then i find myself in the presence of avraham. yes, if there's some figure in the torah i want to be it's avraham. why? he walks with g-d. i want to walk with g-d. i don't know how. so the next best thing is to walk with someone who walks with g-d. anyway, in the meditation, we walk in simple quiet. there's no sense of time. just  crystal clear openness.

'off the mark' is away from the present moment

the way i see the purpose of the high holidays, as the rabbi teaches, is to examine those parts of me that were 'off the mark' last year. i love the beautiful and fantastic singing and praying and dancing that is a big part of the high holiday tradition. they really cheerlead me. it's like the sweet syrup in medicine. it's not pleasant to look at what i did, what i said and what i thought that were not true, kind, necessary and appropriate. but the singing and dancing make it easier to go through the discomforts, help me to stay connected to my inner self which is the source of kindness, courage, strength and joy. then it's not a matter of who's right, who's wrong, who's hurt me, i don't like this or that, i don't think i can make it, this is too much, or too little. blah blah blah.

in this morning's meditation i can see some thought waves of worry, anxiety about the coming day and weeks. i can see the tendency to feel daunted looming and hovering. with every inbreath i take in a fresh dose of sweetness and goodness from the universe. i rest in the open quiet during the brief pause between breaths. with every outbreath i sweep out a little more of the entrenched tendency to feel daunted and contracted. i watch the mind going through some activity. just that. what about the contents of the mental activity? they have nothing to do with what is in the present moment.

ahhh. the present moment is the bull's eye. 'off the mark' means the shooting arrow of mental activity sends me off the track of present moment.

singing 'shree ram jay ram' in sleep

hwubby says, you sing in your sleep. i say, what do i sing? he says, shree ram jay ram jay jay ram. i am stunned and thrilled. the divine name flows out of me in the sleep state? i see this as a really fantastic marker in my progress towards full realization. may this development expands and permeates the waking state. may the sound of shree ram jay ram jay jay ram reverberate in the mind always. may i be
'stuck' and 'trapped' in the present moment. there's nowhere else i'd rather be. may it be so.

full moon outside reflects the inner full moon

hwubby says, it's such a nice and exquisite feeling to be in the present, even though it's kind of short. so true. with so many things grabbing our attention it's easy to be sucked out of the present moment and get swept up into the turmoil of day-to-day life. now that we've fixed up accommodations in hong kong we have to find a place in singapore. there's cooking involved so it's not so straightforward. but then the extreme scenario is to book a hotel room. so it's really a matter of choices and decisions. i can go on and on. the truth of the matter is, if it's not one thing it's another: hwubby's having dental implant procedure on two teeth tomorrow; looking into options to keep the house; finding ways to make bulk book sales a reality; working on the next chapter; the list goes on and on. having said all this and as i write this, something outside the window catches my eye. the full moon about to go behind under the rolling hills. the lovely hotel courtyard is even lovelier basking in dawn lights. i take in all this outside of me while i take rest in the vast, open, quiet and clear inner being. the inner full moon shines sweetly. i feel calm and confident. i hear what lord krishna say to arjuna, do thy bidding. yes. take care of what needs to be taken care in the present moment in a meticulous manner. the inner self guides me through worldly affairs the way the full moon guides a night traveler through the wilderness.

open mind draws grace

this supine meditation really works well for traveling. what i also realize is my intention for keeping a meditation practice has really come through strong and clear. what choice to make in the present moment becomes easier and more easeful. there is only one question to ask. does this take me away from my morning meditation? having asked that i look at how to go about it without driving others around me crazy. the guiding light for me is working with what i have and the trust that what i have is what i need. here's the kick. being open like that draws grace. the forces in the universe flow forth, like iron dust to magnet, to support me to move towards where i want to go. but i have to keep close connection with what's going on in the present moment. or else i won't see what i need to see. it doesn't mean there are no suspenseful twists and turns along the way. speed bumps so to speak. but, hey, who can plan out everything down to dots and tees and control everything so everything work out exactly accordingly?! case in point. hwubby thought through the travel plan from oakland to maine. then, wham, there's a widespread delay in denver. we waited four hours in the airport. we didn't arrive until 3am. the ride into town fell apart. we took a cab. throughout the whole thing i watch myself not getting upset a bit. i see that hwubby and i are having some precious time together. we are in the middle of nowhere. the mind is afloat in a deep sense of freedom. just like that, in a flash, i see the key points in a project i'm handling. i see a road map in the inner screen while watching a big, fat baby playing with his doughy toes. i smile. the bundle of pure lights smile back. we are one joy.