let the fun begin.

here i am making breakfast and my cell rings upstairs. so for the next while i am bilateral tasking. talking with my editor and keeping an eye on my food. by the way i am having a new thing for the morning meal. an egg in a little rice milk lightly sweetened with jaggery. it fills me up the whole morning in a light way. back to my editor. she has these ideas come to her during the night. and, o, yes, we know those are usually the best stuff. the night energy is without the busy-ness of the day. very little mundane static. flashes and sparks from pure consciousness are less likely to be masked over. not that there aren't creative pulses during the day. it's just that our attention tend to be drawn outward in all kinds of ways. anyway by the end of our conversation i am so ecstatic. i feel like i am at the stage of examining the house of the book. the architecture is there. the bones are good. now i can, with my editor's help, plays with the flow of rooms, think of what furniture to put in which room, how to arrange them, what to do to make sure the purpose of the room is shining through beautifully, and so on and so forth. this is great. let the fun begin.

i refuse to be tossed around.

there's always something. if it's not one thing, it's another. just when i think it couldn't get any worse, i have to go through another sleepless night. then no sooner than i say to myself, okay, it is what it is, marvelous development lands in the inbox. i check in with my inner self. nothing has changed. the inner self is as it always has been. nothing can add to it, nor subtract from it. and so it is i find myself calm, quiet and clear. taking in each moment as it is. thankful for all the opportunities to sharpen and strengthen the connection with my inner self, to anchor in the sky of pure consciousness, rather than being tossed around, physically and emotionally. i refuse to.

drink mid-autumn moon

snap awake two-thirty. three words appear in the clear inner quiet. mid autumn moon. i get up, look out the window and up. there she is, the dinner plate moon with a wide, misty aura. i say to hwubby, let's go drink the moon. we bundle up, step onto the back deck, sit down and bask in the moonshine. every breath i take is cool, light and comforting. i feel the warmth of hwubby's embrace and lock gaze with the moon. suddenly the gentle luminosity of the full moon switches into dazzling brilliance. only then i realize there has been cloud passing between my eye and the moon. i watch the luminosity level of the moon shift from moment to moment. yet without a doubt the fullness of the moon's radiance has not changed. it's the passing clouds that create the illusion that there is a dip in the glow. this is revelatory. the light of my inner self is ever fresh, ever full, ever bright. it's the clouds of thoughts, feelings and emotions that create the illusions that i am anything less and smaller than the full moon of the inner self.

strength and clarity are what i need now

there i am, waking up again and again in the night, looking at what's going on in the body. let me see. cold waves ripple through hands, arms, feet and legs. nauseating sensation in the throat. periodic punches in the solar plexus. while all this are going on i am aware of the steady, rhythmic movement of the breath. i fall back asleep a couple of times and get up at four to meditate. by the time i emerge from the formal meditation i feel stronger and clearer. it's all i need to face what's in front of me.

being with inner self is letting go of fear of unknown

the mind comes awake in a snap but the body is lying totally still. for a while in the night my entire existence is being aware of the deep and long breathing roaming the vast inner world that has no ends and edges. the experience is exquisite. the silence is throbbing with a sense of full and rich being. there's no place outside i'd rather be.

after a while i hear with the inner ear this message. staying in the present is how you plan the future. this is the answer to the tendency to worry. i am facing a whole host of issues that i can't see how they might turn out. meanwhile unexpected twists and turns are showing up left and right. i can see the tendency to know what is going to happen lurking. but really the best way to take care of them is to keep myself firmly anchored in the inner self. only then can i see with a clear sky mind what might be an entryway that eventually leads to an outcome that i am not even aware of its existence right now. it's only through moment-by-moment presence that i can be with the play of consciousness, that i am not shutting out the possibility of possibilities. 

ultimately, it's all about letting go of the fear of the unknown. and the only way i know how to do that is to strengthen and deepen my connection with the inner self through meditation.