i need to keep the schedule

so much going on. so much unexpected twists and turns. all the more necessary for me to keep up with the schedule of spiritual practices. i need to keep the schedule. morning meditation and guru gita are must. only then i can stabilize and strengthen the mind in the understanding and awareness of who and what i am and not getting swept into the seesaw of emotions, thoughts and feelings, within me and in others. not the least is the pressures from all directions saying, you must do this, you ought to do that, no, you are wrong, you shouldn't ask this or do that. blah blah blah. this is the opportunity to cultivate standing up and speaking up for myself in hwubby and my highest and best interests while working through the system of rules and counting our fortunes. on that note, how about this one? i come out of meditation, prepare breakfast. ginger tea and a slice of toast. this is no ordinary toast. my gracious and generous host karun makes this phenomenal bread from sprouted organic grains, incl wheat berries, rye, millet, and mung beans. the loaf is covered with flax seeds. every slice is a meal in itself. a bite into it and i feel the body say, i love it.

must sit in center of seesaw

someone asks a monk, what's the difference between psychotherapy and meditation? he says, to the effect, psychotherapy can get you to separate somewhat from all that you are caught up in when you are so far into the tangle that you can't get out of the tangle, and you are the tangle. it's like sitting on a seesaw. psychotherapy can help you to find some equilibrium on either side of the plank. what meditation does is to get you to the center of the seesaw from where you sit still and watch the ups and downs without being drawn into it and affected by it. but sometimes a person is so deep into the ups and downs that psychotherapy is necessary to help him/her to get some distance from the end of the plank before the person can meditate.

this is what i must keep in mind as i go through the biggest challenge yet of my life.

i am in the center of an up-and-down see-saw

coming out of meditation and straight into one crisis after another. okay, change the word. it's not crisis. it's an opportunity to practice being anchored in my own self. it's a benchmark to see how anchored i am in my own self. in my peripheral vision i am aware that thoughts like, how am i going to get through this, this is too much, i can't believe this is happening now with all that is going on, are hovering. but i summon my free will. i tie attention to the present moment. how am i going to get this fax through to hong kong? ahhh. i remember noticing my cousin on facebook's chat room every so and often. so i go to take a look. there he is. i send off a msg. in the ensuing back and forth he finds out the machine has run out of ink. meanwhile another crisis comes on the scene. i really feel like in the center of a see-saw watching the ups and downs unfold. i have no idea how it's going to play out but i am determined to stick with what's necessary in the moment, including sipping my chai every now and then, one eye on the chat box, cell phone next to ear. and my breath is held steady in the shaft of golden light that runs between base of spine and top of head.

depression is a function of disconnection from the inner self

what is depression? in my simple mind, depression is a function of disconnection from the inner self. actually i dare to go so far as to say that depression is a distorted expression of yearning to connect with the inner self.  a spiritual dis-ease.

i can see now what was happening with me when i was going through clinical depression. i was up to my eyeballs in the beliefs that are not what the inner self is. i'm hopeless, life is hopeless, i'm not enough, life is never enough. and so on and so forth. i had very good therapy. what it did was to help me get some distance between me and those mental pain and anguish. i really needed it. then i heard a thoughtful swami say something like this, psychotherapy can get you cope and manage. however it doesn't get to the root. at best it helps you get to an equilibrium. sort of like balancing on either end of a see-saw. whereas meditation takes you to the center of the seesaw where you can watch the ups and downs on both ends.