direct motion. not retro.

this chart is good chart, the learned brahmin examines my stars and planets, but...i knew there's a 'but' coming...but one thing is that many times negative thoughts come in your mind, and that's why restlessness. his heavy indian accent - d and t are pounding drum beats - hits the message home hard. since then i've been pondering my life thus far like super duper fast forwarding a movie. i have had one opportunity after another. fantastic opportunity. i have had the great good fortune of meeting phenomenal people in both work and personal arenas. beautiful people. off the charts talented people. fun people. they embrace me, take me under their wings with generosity and kindness beyond measure. what do i do? i watch pangs of pain as i type this. i push them away. again and again. all because of what? negative thoughts that poison my mind. i remember at one point a girl friend who treats me like her own sister sits on a stair step and breaks into tears and says, we are friends, why are we like this? really. this is a strikingly handsome lady from a distinguished lineage, capable, knows everybody in hong kong, has a big and golden heart, and loves me. what do i feel in that moment? gee, i am so disconnected, so shut down, no words come to the stubborn and stuck mind.

why am i allowing the memory to roll like this? is it remorse? am i thinking, o i should have, if only i did it differently...no. no. no. because i want to cut the pattern. i want to be in direct motion. not retrograde. i know, mars in direct retro right now. i have no clue what mars in retro means but the idea somehow resonates with me. i want to be in direct motion, not going backwards. negative thoughts foment restlessness. and that drags me away from clear thinking, from being immersed in my own true nature.

unintended benefit from meditation

i get a thrill every time i say this: it never ceases to amaze me how the inner self looks out for all things, from the lofty to the mundane. a flash from the inner self can be poetic or, in this case, financial. there i am meditating nicely, reveling in the strength and beauty of my easy lotus posture, afloat in the vast and open quiet that is sparkling with sweet clarity and...what do i hear? a number. a percentage. and i know immediately what it means. it points to a possibility to review a situation, that we thought irreversible, and a whole bunch of number crunching. om namah shivaya. it's so exciting. i feel the impulse to jump out of meditation and grab the calculator. i have to summon all my willpower and guide attention to the breathing movement. and i do. this is a great opportunity to practice staying in the present moment. also i need the meditation to really firm myself in the calm and focus of the inner self to take care of this ever-shifting situation properly.

on the note of ever-shifting situation, so much has happened in twenty-four hours. no, actually, in an instant. we are listening to this person giving us good advice. it all looks like we are doomed. do i panic? i ask myself as i listen to her. no. my inner being is quiet and calm and clear. that situation may be doomed but it doesn't diminish my inner self. i am still who i am. from that place and state a question comes up. i ask. the person responds. i ask a clarifying question. she responds. the back and forth keeps going in a steady and relaxed and pleasant manner. before we know it the veneer of inevitability cracks and the light of possibility shines through. we leave the meeting with a handful of possibilities. whoa. wow. if i was paralyzed like a deer caught in headlight i wouldn't have heard the question coming from the inner self. true that i meditate to be fully realized. but i also welcome the unintended benefit of being able to take care of worldly affairs in a way i couldn't have if i am disconnected from the inner self.

disconnected from inner self...a walking dead

the moment my eyelids are down when i sit down for formal meditation i'm entering the inner space while being aware of the external space. for a long, long time i really think this inner space has nothing in it and i don't think i have ever had any meditation experience. this morning something comes to me. just as the outer atmosphere is filled with something invisible called air which holds oxygen, the critical component to sustain human life, this inner space holds something even more magnificent than oxygen. the firmament of my inner self. oxygen fuels the bodily functions. the inner self juices life. disconnecting from the inner self is like a walking dead. i've been there. it's no fun.

depression is a function of disconnection from the inner self

what is depression? in my simple mind, depression is a function of disconnection from the inner self. actually i dare to go so far as to say that depression is a distorted expression of yearning to connect with the inner self.  a spiritual dis-ease.

i can see now what was happening with me when i was going through clinical depression. i was up to my eyeballs in the beliefs that are not what the inner self is. i'm hopeless, life is hopeless, i'm not enough, life is never enough. and so on and so forth. i had very good therapy. what it did was to help me get some distance between me and those mental pain and anguish. i really needed it. then i heard a thoughtful swami say something like this, psychotherapy can get you cope and manage. however it doesn't get to the root. at best it helps you get to an equilibrium. sort of like balancing on either end of a see-saw. whereas meditation takes you to the center of the seesaw where you can watch the ups and downs on both ends.

meditating on anxiety

in this morning's meditation i see an old tendency appear. anxiety. low grade. sort of like a background noise, something like the drone coming from the fridge. just enough to hang around the periphery of awareness. the thought that pops up with it is, what am i anxious about? but here's the thing. i've come to see anxiety for what it is, beyond the outer circumstances. a function of disconnection. so i make a conscious inner effort to guide attention to the sound and motion in the steady breath. soon i begin to see this 'anxiety' as some weather condition. weather change. weather come. weather go. but beyond weather is the clear blue sky. the sky of the my inner self. good weather doesn't make the sky bigger or bluer. bad weather doesn't diminish the sky in any way. and so, just as i would watch the pouring rain from the shelter of the house i watch feelings and thoughts from the shelter of the breath where the inner self flows through. and guess what? i am returning to a clear and calm state. now i can really see how to take care of what needs to be taken care of. so the anxiety turns out to be a reminder that calls my attention to really stay connected with my own self. hwubby says, yeah, you are the light, all else are just outer circumstances.

untangling necklace turns out to be meditation in action

as it turns out i have the opportunity to untangle a messes of wrangled fine-gold necklace. at first look, i say to myself, o, no, no way, how am i going to do this, i don't even know how to begin. here's the thing though. i no longer buy into this. i see the thought coming up. i feel the murmur of trepidation based on fear of unknown, fear of uncertainty. but i take a deep breath in and a long breath out. and i begin. i focus on what i can do in this very moment. a cautious tiny movement with a needle point poking into here. and there. i make sure i keep the breath going in a steady and slow pace. soon i am immersed in the teeny tiny movements happening in the tangle of tiny gold hoops. for a while nothing much seems to happen. a couple of times i see a whiff of whining. this is going nowhere. but i know this is residual tendency. i refuse to give in. i refuse to give up. then i see subtle stuff going on. the needle point begins to go deeper into the mess. i know it means something is loosening in there. after a while it dawns on me that now i can actually undo the clasp. this turns out to be the breakthrough moment. from then on i can gently lift up one end of the chain and carefully guide it through one tiny crevice, then another. soon the mess becomes distinctly smaller. and smaller and smaller. until it is a mess no more. just a fine chain of hoops lying flat and somewhat twisted like a braid. from here on it is a piece of cake. i lift up the necklace, now restored to its original splendor. the sense of fulfillment and contentment is beyond measure. i feel like i come out of deep meditation. truly meditation in action.

i realize in any given moment i have what it takes and i know what to do unless i am disconnected to the inner self. when i am in the river of moments in this way i move away from fear and i am taking care of what need to be taken care of properly. untangling a seemingly impossible mess starts with a gentle poke.

empathy involves listening without judgment

yesterday hwubby says, what is a simple definition of empathy? i say, i don't know for sure but i think it involves listening without judgment, jumping to conclusion and 'fixing the problem.' hwubby says, o, that's very good. i say, so what's your definition. he says, well then, for now, i think it is 'accepting and/or listening to the other's experience without judgment, jumping to conclusion and 'fixing the problem.' do you think it's 'accepting', or 'listening', or both. i think a moment and say, listening is good, it's a simple and direct action, neutral. somehow accepting, in my simple mind, carries an implication of going along with it even though you don't agree with it, you don't like it.

this morning i'm already having an opportunity to be empathetic towards myself. i see thoughts, appearing every now and then, all to do with going back into the past, beating myself up and wishing things to be different. i watch them upping and downing in intensity while i recognize them as residual tendency. all they do is take me away from the present moment, out of my inner self and disconnect me from the capability to see the situation as it is right now and deal with it the way it is. really, my inner self stays full and undiminished however things turn out. that's the real bottom line.