shoe room yogi

what is the one moment in the two day meditation retreat that shines and jumps out? no censor. just the first one that comes up. bing. shoe room. back up a little. i go into the retreat with one particular task unresolved. to find a ride for both days. somehow this time around all the usual suspects don't work out one reason or another. i call a cab sat morning. after fifteen minutes, no show. dispatch says no taxi in the area. hwubby comes to my rescue, calls a number and, lord and behold, a cab shows up in ten minutes. great. still, i cross the threshold into the meditation hall carrying this low-grade buzz of anxiety and agenda. for a brief while my eyes dart about scouting possible candidates to ask. but very quickly the power of grace draws me toward the intention of why i am here in the first place. and just as quickly the gnawing buzz recedes into background. i am filled with a steady whisper. wait. not now. and, really, just like that, i am irresistibly sucked into the open quiet and lovely contentment of the inner world.

fast forward. come lunch pause. i'm sitting in front of the shoe room putting on my shoes when the corner of my eye catches kitty standing next to a shoe shelf. i don't have any agenda. i am all fine with calling a cab if i have to at the end of the day. just then i hear an inner signal. ask. so i do. turns out kitty lives near me. duh. just like that i have a fantastic ride for the entire retreat. by the way kitty and her hubby are fantastic yogis. they do the practices and a lot of service with one-pointed, quiet dedication and devotion.

anyway the point is my great self, my own true nature, is very smart, tuned in and has an impeccable sense of timing. what's needed at all times is full faith and surrender. stay in a state of inner quiet and then listen with attention. don't second guess. don't doubt.

great things happen in shoe room. seriously.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.