mp3 brahmin

i am emailing back and forth with a brahmin in an indian village. he is from a lineage of at least fourteen generations. he specializes in yajur vedas, a major branch in the four vedas. the vedas are what i think of as the hindu equivalent of torah. directly revealed scriptures. what is my point here? i am so fortunate. until as recent as a decade or so you have to travel far and wide, go deep into india and you have to know what to look for. it's a pilgrimage itself just to find a real brahmin, not to mention a great one. and here i am, sipping mango lassi, tweedling my thumbs in oakland, california, downloading an ancient mantra sent by this real deal brahmin on mp3. it is hilarious to watch him working my vedic charts. in traditional white brahmin garbs, in full lotus, entering my data into a laptop. i have forgotten to mention he is on facebook. hwubby and i are fortunate off the charts to be able to have him read our stars and planets face to face. but i understand he skypes. meet the twenty-first century brahmin.

all these delightful things aside the reason i have a sense he is for real is this. i don't like astrologers doing astro speak to me, like, mars is in retrograde, venus is moving into your eighth house, jupiter is not aligned...blah blah blah. all i want to know is whether i should fire my literary agent who has not made a sale yet. i can't grasp any of these astro-techno talk. in fact they confuse me. my brain becomes a mush. but this is not the way this brahmin works. he takes my birth data, enters into this software, and in a few moments he begins to speak, describing what stars and planets and so on are there. but it is obvious to me that he is not speaking to me so much as he is entering all this data into him. this goes on a couple of minutes. then he looks at me and says, in his accented but clear and direct english, this is your chart in general, now we can discuss, what questions you have? from then on he speaks in plain and simple language to me. his voice is bright and light. the timbre is metallic. the color is crystalline. it is suffused with authority steeped in a lifetime of rigorous learning and discipline.

as i reflect on being in his presence, i recall i have an experience in the past that is as close as can be to this. my younger sister is in the hospital. they tell me her liver is failing rapidly. it's in the eighties in hong kong. the doctor says, there's nothing we can do. i remember vividly how i feel deep within. i say to myself, no, i'm not going to let her die. i pull out all of my connections. i am given to call this person in taiwan. his name. dai ge. big brother in mandarin. all i know he is a practitioner of a secretive and exclusive branch of tibetan buddhism. supposedly he is elusive and hard to reach. but i get him just like that. i dial the number. he picks up. i tell him who sends me and say, my sister is very sick. he asks a simple question and puts me on hold. i don't think he is away for long. anyway when he returns he says, i have borrowed life for your sister, here's a mantra that she should repeat. i say, what's your fee? he says, no. i return to the hospital. before i can enter the ward a nurse greets me at the door. she says, your sister's liver function is much better. i go to my sister's bed. she's sitting up. i say, muimui, what happens? she says, last night i am sleeping... suddenly the room turns very bright, i see this man at the door, he says, come with me...i say, no, my big sister tells me not to go with anyone...he says again, come with me...i say, no, big sister tells me not to go with anyone... he says it the third time...i say the same thing...and he goes away... and the brightness disappears.

gee, why am i rambling all this ancient history? o, yes, the brahmin. i ask a question, or state my particular situation. he goes quiet for a moment. it is evident that his attention and gaze are turning within. who knows what worlds he is consciously watching. but all the time i have no doubt that he is present with me. in a couple of instances he asks a simple but totally unrelated question. and then he goes quiet again. i can sense that he is going through some scanning and computation within. and then he would give a direct answer to my question or remedy to the situation at hand.

hwubby says, a lot of the things he says are really what i feel deeply inside but the mind kicks into doubt, like, really, no, this can't be, it doesn't make sense. no, not to the physical senses. my inner self and the self of hwubby and the self of all are the same in essence. my inner self is no different from the self of the sun, moon, jupiter, mars and the stars and planets in the hundreds of billions of galaxies that the physical eyes can and cannot see. in fact i would go so far as to say my inner self is the same as the self that creates the entire physical universe.

i am listening and chanting along to the ancient mantra that the facebook brahmin mp3 me. the beautiful and bright vibrations fill me up. there's no room for negativity and doubt in the mind. and this is precisely the purpose of this mantra. take away negativity and doubt.

the fear of losing myself gone

in 2010 i memorized one of my guru's poems, 'a thousand mirrors.' i love it so much that this year i'm doing another one, 'breakthrough.' here's how much i love it. every morning, i enter my meditation closet, sit down on my meditation mat, arrange the body into an upright, supported and comfortable posture, close my eyes, start gathering attention to the sound and flow of the easy breath. and then i recite 'a thousand mirrors' and 'breakthrough,' up to the verse that i'm currently memorizing.

this morning, something strange and spectacular happens. a few verses into 'a thousand mirrors' i watch the flow of words from my vocal cord disappear. just like that i am in a space and state that is beyond the linear passage of time, beyond words, beyond action. it is within my awareness and it is holding all that were, all that are and all that will be. the closest approximation that comes to me, as i type this, is deep outer space and beyond where the births and deaths of planets, stars and galaxies happen. billions upon billions of them. after i don't know how long in terms of seconds and minutes the flow of words resume in a natural manner. after another few verses again the word flow gently comes to a pause and i find myself in that realm of beautiful quiet and sweet stillness. by the time i stand up from the mat two hours have gone by.

now here's another fantastic thing. i don't feel fear. the fear of losing myself. not a trace. really, if that is where i'll dwell and how i'll live what's to be afraid of.

another thing i notice is this. the poem flows out of me effortlessly. i have no doubt i own it. that which my guru transmits to me through the river of words belongs to me. the truth of the matter is i have it all along. she is showing me what i already am. such is the power of grace.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

inner self is the one constant through yo-yos

awakened from a dream of gripping anxiety, all about getting lost, can't find my way home. it feels so real that i forget that it's not real.

meditation this morning is bright, clear and a deep sense of security. looking at the dream from this state i realize all those times when i was caught up in worry and fear in their whole range of shapes and sizes i forgot that they were all but dreams. the one who is aware of the dream is the one who is watching this meditation. my own inner self is the one constant through all the yo-yos.

i come out of meditation bursting into my favorite song after torah study meal. 'the entire world is a narrow bridge. the main thing is not to fear at all.' halleluja.

sorry, body, i treated you not so good

i really have to give a big shout out to this body of mine. you are doing such a phenomenal job. you hold up an easy lotus cross-legged posture for two hours with such ease and steadiness. i can't say enough what it does to put my mind in a comfortable and relaxed state. you shelter the mind. you make it feel safe. i can just watch the myriads of thoughts, feelings and memory go by and have no desire to do any knee jerk reaction about it.

i mistreat you so often and you always work so hard around my bad habits. i know i didn't need that third piece of brisket last night but it's so delish. i couldn't help it and overloaded the digestive system. yet you are so forgiving. i thank you and i promise i'll do better next time.

i am the president of my inner country. 45 m + 30 m

my meditation experience on the president's day is...what else but presidential. i actually believe i have a glimpse of what it's like to be an emperess looking out at her queendom. i feel grand and simple all at once. it's a great state to be in.

my fave sabbath after meal song goes like this. the entire world is a narrow bridge but the whole thing is not to fear. my beloved rabbi gives a tweak to it. he sings, the whole thing is not make yourself scared.

so true. it's not that there's not fear anywhere in my inner world but i have the freedom to be not fearful. to be fearful or not to be is something i can control. and as the president of my inner country i hold onto my executive power with dear life. in fact, i resolve to expand it.

happy president's day to me.

smoking and breathing. 45 m + 29 m

what comes to me when i notice my breath is really lengthening and strengthening, and i just love it? one word. smoking.

i know exactly what it means to me.

i never smoked even when i was around talented, terrific chain-smokers all the time for many years. in fact, as i reflect on that period in my life, i realize what a torture it was for me to take in all that second hand smoke. it smelt terrible. i hated it. how did i cope? i held my breath.

editing my 598 page novel. 43 m + 26 m

today the pervading sense in meditation is what i've been getting on and off in recent days: make space and hold it clear.

i know what it is about. it's the response to my burning question: how should i prepare to start working with my editor on the 598 page manuscript?

what this illuminating insight means to me is that i need to hold the entire narrative in my consciousness while i am working on the sentence at hand.

my editor says, suk wah, you are a brilliant writer, you write all these beautiful scenes, turn of phrase and the way you write about food is poetic, but nobody is going to read about eating lox and bagel for 30 pages, you've got to have pacing.

and detachment too. whatever is not necessary has to go. whatever is holding up the forward momentum has to go. whatever the american mind doesn't get, because i write from a chinese mind, has to change.

all this comes down to one thing. i have to be able to see and hear the narrative landscape as i navigate through the twists and turns.

can i do that? yes, but not without meditation. the only way i know how to keep the inner world clear and quiet is meditating everyday. the only way i know how to sustain focus is returning, again and again, to the easy and long breath.

hwubby says, and your chai too. okay, okay, i do have my own addiction. what to do?!:)

humming mmm is my new habit. 41 m + 34 m

i notice a new habit is shaping up.

it all began at the beginning of the year. and spontaneously too. after i finish singing 36 rounds of aum, i would glide into humming the extended resonance mmmm. the buzz would build and build. it would fill up the arms, hands, until the fingers feel like living, warm water balloons bouncing gently.

soon molecules and cells from deep within the body respond and reverberate in sync. there's something phenomenally calming and settling about it. sweet too. 

meditation is my connection technology. 39 m + 37 m

an instructive comes through clearly and gently as i prepare the body into the easy lotus posture. pay kaiser bill today.

i immediately know that i have forgotten all about this one amidst getting the month-end and year-end financial data ready.

but, here's the deal. i notice a few things about my inner state. first, it's utterly unperturbed. the tendency to beat myself up is nowhere. second, i realize when i send out the payment today i am not paying ahead of time, nor behind, but, rather, right on time. so it's not too much time, too little time, but, just enough time.

what good does it do not to forget i am the inner self? 45 m + 15 m

for now it's taking me longer than i would like to get up. am i lazy? what is it?

here's what i observe. as i leave the state of sleep i am aware of nothing else but the sound and movement of the gentle, easeful breath. in that state i remember nothing else, i know nothing else, i want nothing else. i am this hungry infant latched onto the nipple and won't let go and if you dangle the biggest diamond in front of it it couldn't care less.

that is a sweet and quiet state without worry, anxiety, or any relative of fear. but it is so alive, pulsating with the inaudible buzz of life force. the silence is thrilling. the stillness is exhilarating.

and so it is not difficult for me to hold back the old tendency to yank the body out of it. i have no doubt that the intelligence permeating every cell and nucleus and mitochondron is guiding the body to move along at a pace that is just right for me. which is not move at all, not in a way that is comprehensible to the mind and senses, kind of like a glacier is moving all the time but not detectable to the human eye. but through the pure awareness bathing in the breath ocean i know keenly that the body is responding to the steady and unyielding momentum flowing through my breath.

this message appears quietly as i relish being aloft in the ocean sound and warmth of my vast consciousness. any moment you think you are not enough, you don't have enough, you are not good enough in any kind of way is the sign you forget that you are the inner self.

right away i hear the old mental tendency enslaved in mitzrahim, narrow, poverty consciousness, shoot back, o give me a break, what good does that do?

not missing a beat i hear the response from you know who, no it doesn't change the external circumstances of the challenges but it puts you right back into a state of cool, clarity and courage and you can take care of whatever that's in front of you that needs to be taken care in an easeful manner.

bingo. i get it, not in the head but in the depths of bones and beyond the mind. why, of course, being cool, clear and courageous is who and what i am, is my nature, my essence.

waves of refreshing energy wash through me. one by one, the tasks of the day come forth.

i say, body, are you ready? the body responds, yes. And so does the mind.

let's go.

my meditation practice is the goal in itself. 38 m + 41 m

this is a truly special holy-day gift. this is the gift i want.

no sooner than i began aumming i see with the inner eye that lord buddha is meditating in me. our meditation postures are one. with this vision an opening sensation quietly ripples through the body, synchronizing with the breath, and the mind expands into a serene realm.

year end spiritual power scrub. 38 m + 9 m

i love a good party too but there's something magical about chanting, meditating, eating and laughing together with a bunch of dedicated yogis.

and it definitely kicks up another notch when there is high quality food like that which shivaa prepares.