backbone of my life

from collection of pujari outfit

i love my daily meditation practice. it is the backbone of my life. i structure my daily schedule around my meditation practice, wouldn’t want to live any other way.

in the shifting sands of life my meditation practice is my anchor.

again and again, deep in meditation i experience profound contentment, happiness, strength and so much more.

over time i find it easier and easier to go about what i have to do in the world while being aware of my innate calm, clarity and certainty.

little by little, i become more and more immersed in this understanding, that when i sit down to meditate with the intention to meditate, then whatever happens is meditation. on some days meditation can be choppy, stormy, whatever. at other times i experience enchanting lights, luminous insights, illuminating visions, or.... nothing. to be accurate, it's beautiful silence shimmering quiet bliss, deep contentment and rock solid recognition of my own strength. coming out of meditation, it never ceases to amaze me, day after day, how fortunate i am to be able to sit for 2 hours quietly. i notice that the understanding is ever fresh, ever full and fragrant.

 i enjoy looking for ways to further strengthen my meditation practice in the same way i fertilize the gorgeous roses in my garden periodically. given california is still in drought i have to be mindful of using water. it's astonishing to see what a bit of weekly soaker-hosing can do to roses. it's astonishing to see how little they need to keep blooming. every week i have more than enough vibrant blooms to put on arati trays and altar.

arati tray

so much gold within

a dream of gold. a teaching dream. in the dream i am in a holy event. the participants sit around tables with assigned seating. there are no name cards. just some gold jewelry that belong to that person. so there i am, going around to search for my seat. i am sure i had put down my jewelry to save myself a seat. i go around table to table. while i am admiring all those golden splendor, o how gorgeous that piece is, o how spectacular this bracelet looks, i cannot find my jewelry. i wake up filled with the question, where is my jewelry, where is my seat? at the same time the images of all those beautiful gold stay with me. as i type this i can still see the purity of all that gold, the masterful design and craftsmanship of them all.

what is this about? i go into morning meditation with this question. very quickly a message comes from within. in the form of a question. who do you think those gold belong to? bing, bong, boom, i get it. all that gold are within me. they don't belong to anyone else. they are part of me, part of who i am. just like that my understanding shifts dramatically and expands exponentially. why do i have to search for gold and find a place to sit when i already have a storehouse of gold within and the most sublime seat in my own heart. 

sky of iron, earth of gold.

the skies above your head shall be copper and the earth under you iron. for some reason these words from this week's torah portion catch my eye. they ring familiarity. where have i seen them before? over the yummy potluck sabbath meal something comes to me. a bright sense. i see it like looking at a gold coin lying at the bottom of a clear and still pond. a story. the story of alexander the great as told by my guru. i heard it once and it's been fiercely seared within me since.

here's how it goes as i recall it now.

when alexander first became king he summoned the best and brightest astrologers in the land. he asks of them one question only. when will i die? the astrologers went to work. they came back and said, your majesty, you will die when sky turns to iron and earth gold. wow. what does that mean? that's exactly what alexander asked. the astrologers didn't have an answer. so alexander thought and thought. well, how can sky turns to iron? impossible. how can earth turns to gold? impossible. well, that can only means one thing. sky will never turn to iron. earth will never turn to gold. and i will never die.

with that understanding, alexander went out to conquer and conquer and conquer. his soldiers believed their commander could not be defeated. the armies on the opposite side in the battlefield lost the will to fight. after all how can you beat someone who is destined to never die?

fast forward. alexander was passing through a rough terrain. he started to feel ill. he wanted to stop and pause a little bit. his loyal general said, your majesty, we are in the middle of nowhere, this is not a place suitable to receive your majesty. please let us go a little further. alexander agreed. he soldiered on. he grew sicker and sicker. finally he couldn't hold it anymore. he decided to just stop and get off the horse right there. his loyal general immediately removed his protective vest that is woven of fine threads of gold and spread it out so that his king would not lie on coarse sand. then he held up his shield of iron over alexander's head as shade. alexander lay down, closed his eyes. after a while he felt a little better. he opened his eyes. what did he see? iron over his head. gold underneath him. in less than a wink he remembered. he knew. he started to sob and sob and sob. the general said, your majesty, you''ll be allright. alexander said, it's too late. the general said, what do you mean? alexander said, if only i knew then what i know now, i would have done differently, but it's too late. he wept and wept and wept to death.

they are all for one purpose

just when i am commending myself profusely for memorizing the poem breakthrough so very well all this week, boom, i discover i have missed out a whole verse. only three lines. but, boy, do they pack  punches.

everything that happened
begot the self-denial
which led to the knowledge of the Self.

what is self-denial? this much i know. whatever it is, it leads me to knowing my own true nature. the key, then, is understanding. whatever happens and doesn't happen, whatever i have to do and say no to, they are all for one purpose, exploring who i am, what i am here for. otherwise i will be sucked into the vortex of drama. what then will happen? check this out.

if the doorframe is low
then bend your head and walk through it.
if the sword is brandished before you,
lower your head; otherwise misfortune will result.

a boon in disguise

i don't go out in the evenings. if i do it is a super-duper special event. so when i feel this desire to say yes to this facebook invite i think it is because the host and hostess are fellow yogis who are dear to me. so there we are, hwubby and i, having a wonderful time with all these people in a gallery, celebrating the creativity and birthday of a fine yogi, tom franco. by the way, all these years, i pretty much see tom in between extended meditations. while i meditate on my elaborately arrangement of blankets and cushions tom dedicates to selfless service to create and sustain a meditative environment for seekers. he's a major boon to humanity. we nod and smile at each other and i feel so close to him. anyway, anyhoo, i am so thrilled to see him in his full artistic glory.

while i am enjoying the yummy birthday cake and the spread of refreshment that julia, tom's sweetheart, collaborator and life partner so lovingly has put together  i notice hwubby absorbed in a conversation with a highly esteemed yogi. so later i say, out of curiosity, you had a nice time with vinod, huh? hwubby says, he knows what happened to me, and he doesn't mince words. i say, what do you mean, what does he say? well, vinod says, to this effect, you had a rest, it's a boon in disguise, you had to learn something, you were made sure to learn it. hwubby says, what is it? vinod says, discipline. and then he gazes into hwubby and says, you got off dirt cheap. really. who knew we would be illumined with such divine understanding while a hot band is rocking out a few feet from we stand. i realize there isn't a spiritual life within and a worldly life without. it's one life.

we are a guac black hole

six of us doing the practices together. sweet and intimate. we chant rudram with our guru on dvd. i have no doubt she is with us right here in shivaa's divine abode and we have her all to ourselves. i feel that much closer to god, that much closer to my own true nature, my innermost self, the source of all that i am. as i glide into meditation on the wave of resonance from our singing om this steady throb pulses through my entire being. the scents of shivaa's blooming roses quietly infuse through the windows and dusk lights and permeate my awareness.

we emerge from all this with a bottomless appetite for food. shivaa says, i made this guac with five huge avocados. and? we wipe it all out to the last drop. we are surely a guac black hole. i, for one, have two big bowls of shivaa's spring soup. tender fava beans in a shittake broth enriched by coconut milk. slivers of a variety of mushrooms float together with bits of carrots and red pepper flakes. a hint of ginger gives it an extra subtle buzz. for salad shivaa does this spring number. cole slaw with mint. lorraine is the first one who raves about it. i take a bite and my jaw drops. a brilliant move.

stomach satisfied and mind quiet i hitch a ride home with shrileka continuing with our spiritual catching up. as far as i am concerned that is the real dessert. insights and understandings arising from us examining and reflecting our experiences sweeten our perceptions as we take care of all kinds of life challenges. we realize more and more all this is grace. all this is grace. and all this is grace. as a seasoned yogi says about hwubby's taxi hit, a boon in disguise. now, ain't that sweet.

i don't have to prove i am right

i need to make a difficult phone call and i can see the mind going wild: they won't understand, they'll be so disappointed, i can't handle it, it's all too much. blah blah blah. so i do the only thing i know how. i say to myself, i'll go to sleep, get up super-duper early, meditate and then make the call.

i do all that. and then some. i meditate two and a half hours. for most of that time i watch all this tumultuous mental activity spinning out and all around me. but i do what i could to hang in there with the shaft of golden light that stands tall and strong from the base of spine to the top of head. eventually the body and mind settle down and i enjoy the sweet stability in my own self so much that i can just sit quietly like that all day long if i didn't have to take care of what's necessary.

while i prepare to come out of meditation two simple instructives appear: listen with full attention. simply state the facts. i know what they are for. they are telling me, drop the defenses, stay in the present with what is whatever it is. indeed. one of the ways that i have been 'off the mark' is being defensive, that i have to prove i am right, that i have to be understood and accepted. no. i don't.

hooooh. i feel so much lighter and clearer just having this understanding. anchored in this place and state i go on the phone. i listen with an open and patient mind. i explain the facts as i know it. i respond to clarifying questions. i can hear the disappointment in the person's voice. i acknowledge it, i thank her for being so understanding and kind and the dialogue keeps going. the situation itself is still difficult but the way i feel about it is different. some old knot deep within is untangled. it is so worth it to put in the effort to stay tight with what is.

residual habits are tenacious like tiny bamboo shoots. it's just that.

as i see another spurt of mental activity over the sky of the inner self, and this time i see it all has to do with comparing with others, i am hit with a heavy dose of impatience. i thought i had already dealt with this. why is it coming back? when will it go away, really go away? then in another round of breathing in deep and breathing out long i remember what the bamboo expert explaining to me about rooting out bamboos. first i take out the bulk of it. next growing season i see some shoots springing above ground nearby. i nib it as soon as i see them. they are definitely bamboo but nowhere near the twelve-fee-tall, inch-thick canes. rather they are short and tiny. i ask, how long will this go on? she says, it will be a while. they are really tenacious. ahhh. so are these old habitual tendencies. look. i am watching them, journaling them. i am not being them. i know i am not them. i am getting stronger. they are getting weaker. they are short and tiny residual tendencies. not tall and thick bamboo canes anymore. this is where understanding comes in. this is where faith matters. this is where intensifying my meditation practice will strengthen my footing in the sky of the inner self. my own inner self which is pure and the source of creativity, courage, abundance and strength.

ahhh. the tendency to compare is a twisted expression of the longing to find my own true worth. and it exists within me. i just have to look in the right direction. turning inward. not the other way round.

kneading chapati is revelatory

i don't eat wheat but i have to say, warm chapati coated with and dripping ghee, and by the way, i knead the dough and make my own ghee, is out of this world and beyond. satisfying yet light. the ghee is a bundle of yummy sunshine. hey, it takes one and a half hours to process three pounds of butter to get it crystal clear. the result? intoxicating sweetness that is subtle. worth all that one and a half hours watching over the boiling butter.

kneading chapati dough after coming out of meditation is such a nice way to transition from the inner world into the outer. feeling the flour and water coming together under the rhythmic motion of the fingers and palm makes me realize that the two worlds are not separate. one is in the other and vice versa. i watch a core miracle being created and i am a participant. two seemingly so different things merge into one thing, something that is like caterpillar turning into butterfly. alchemy happens beyond the physical eyes and the touch of hand. often i wonder what happens in meditation when the body and mind say, nothing's happening. as i press the ball of my palm into the dough that is now like earlobe i recognize that i don't see the subtle shifts in my awareness and understanding as they take place quietly but i do see the end result. i've been handling the tests presented to us beautifully. i'm schlepping a whole ayurveda kitchen across the country and work hard to make it work in other people's homes. i'm just days into this way of cooking. hwubby says, and you're doing it with such calm and ease, so flexible and resilient.

watching the play of the mind

hwubby says, you smell so nice, like...sweet meditation. indeed. i just come out of meditation. another sweet one. often i wonder what it is like to be fully realized. but afloat in the open, quiet sweetness of the inner self it doesn't matter whether i get to that point in this lifetime. it's sublimely satsifying just to know that i have this place and state within and i know how to get there. in fact i am that place and state. clothed with this understanding and fed by the direct experience i watch the play of the mind like looking at reflections in a mirror.

reflections in the mirror of the mind

hwubby says, i'm having this experience of a peace that is beyond understanding, no words for it.

indeed. that's the thing about being with the inner self, being in the inner self, being the inner self. the experience is so beyond the mind, beyond the experience of the senses. in this morning's meditation, the moment i drape the shawl over my head, the final step in settling the body into the easy lotus posture, my awareness just dives instantaneously into a place within that is so great that i have no words for it. there's a wakefulness and alertness that is fresh and exhilarating. yet it is quiet, exquisitely quiet. for a little while i see the mind in the state of a sparkling mirror. all mental activity are but reflections.

habitual tendency and bamboo

sometimes i can't help but wish, o, please, i've been working so hard on this habitual tendency, can it go away for good, please?

but, of course, i know i have already made a lot of progress from way back when i would have these yo-yo swings. one moment i am ecstatic and thinking, this anxiety, that fear, such worry are gone forever. unfailingly there would be another moment when i am down and low because i say, i thought i had already got rid of this, why is this coming back to harass me now? what did i do wrong? did i do not enough? blah blah blah.

between then and now i have made a shift in understanding in terms of the nature of habitual tendency. they are sort of like bamboo roots. here's how it works. i think, in fact, i am positive i have removed all of bamboo roots. come next growing season i see a little bamboo shoot coming above ground several feet away from where they used to be. in that moment i feel such a failure. jen, a friend and bamboo nursery owner says, that's the way they are, they keep coming back. i say, man, what should i do? steeped in experience and knowledge, jen says in a clear tone, you nib it when you see it. i say, how long will this go on? she says, could be a while.

that's the way with habitual tendency. when i see it looming in the periphery of awareness i make a conscious inner effort to turn away from it, dive into the sound and motion of the breath, tie my attention to the light of the inner self. in this way i'm not feeding it, i'm nibbing it. meanwhile i hold  the understanding that it will come back. but i'm not worried. it will be smaller and weaker. i will be in the driver seat. not the habitual tendency. case in point. yesterday there was a surprised shake up in a set of circumstances. yet i notice the tendency to get angry and anxious come up in a wimpy way. i barely throw a glance at it before i put my attention back into the present. where the inner self resides.

nothing, nobody adds to or diminish the inner self.

i realize something as i wrap up another two hours of being with my priceless inner self through meditation. i listen better as a result of making efforts to stay with the humming sound in the breath. by the way it's not that the inner self goes away when i am not in formal sitting meditation. it's the mind getting caught up in thoughts, feelings and the body in actions that i forget that the self is always with me.

for a long, long time i was filled with anguish about this. where is god? by and large, the anguish is gone because i know from my own experience that god is in my breath.  nobody, nothing can take it away from me. not know how.

and so i hang on to this understanding with my dear life as i look at the retirement account statements that are showing losses. in the end they are situations to take care of. they don't add to nor diminish the inner self. and only when i am firmly footed in the open quiet and clarity of the inner self can i take care of them properly.

all this fabulous existence is, in the end, a fabulous movie.

this thing about 'remember your own death' works like a charm for me. as i contemplate on it i realize what happens is it takes away all the edge and bondage of fear. fear of unknown. fear of uncertainty. fear of doing something wrong. fear of getting 'no' as the response. fear of losing money, house, whatever, but no exception. fear of no praise. fear of blame. fear of criticism. seeing that none of this matters when i am dying frees me up. my awareness becomes steeped in the inner self which is that part of me that is immortal.

a flash of this understanding is great. and what i need to do is keep my meditation practice going to make sure the flash builds, and builds, and builds, until i am one with the understanding. i am none other than the inner self. all this fabulous, fantastic existence is, in the end, a fabulous, fantastic movie. a grand and dazzling play of lights of consciousness.

remember i am the self

here's another expression that i need to watch out for. i feel...  sad, angry, upset, overwhelmed, whatever. the thing about this is really subtle. it sucks me into being that feeling when in fact i am the self. so i am making a conscious effort to say something like, i see sadness coming up. hwubby says, yeah, it's like weather. yep, mental weather.

what about uplifting feelings? i notice a difference in how i say it. i am happy. i am grateful. i am contented. and i hold the understanding that they are not dependent on anything outside of me. they are part and parcel of the inner self. remember, i am the inner self. the self-efforts i put in are all about helping me to remember that. hwubby says, it's called self-effort because they are efforts towards connecting with the self.

i see things i couldn't

i said this before. i'll say this again. and again. my meditation practice makes me see things i couldn't see.

case in point. hwubby and i are working through a difficult situation. not very, very difficult. just difficult. it involves dealing with a bunch of people over a period of time. i watch mental activity with a recurring theme arise. i don't like this. i don't like that. i don't like this person. i don't like that person. blah blah blah.

in today's meditation, as well as yesterday's, once my body has settled into the easy lotus posture so comfortably that i have no desire to come out of meditation any time soon, i find my awareness in a super-duper refined and clear state. from here i hear and see subtle things. there's nothing wrong having feelings and thoughts. the only thing wrong is when you allow them to disconnect you from the inner self.

with this knowledge and understanding i have been able to come up with responses and actions that are respectful and kind and truthful to the other person as well as myself. a win-win situation. i could not have done it without meditation. and the funny thing is i don't sit down to meditate with the intention to find a solution to the problem. all i want is to cultivate the connection to the inner self. and all these incredible things happen. isn't it great?! stress? what stress?!