i see the door frame. i see the sword.

this week so far has been one big test. in one form. here's how it goes down. on the dot at three, or four, or somewhere in between, i stumble out of sleep. the mind is awake. the body is totally still. nothing wrong so far, right? but i can't find an iota of will to summon the body to move. not even wiggle the pinkie. it has taken me two days, almost three, to admit this openly. since monday the heart flutters periodically. thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with, what else, fear and worry, come through. yes, i can tie one reason or another to each and every one of them. but none of them stick. they come and go like foam and froth in the ocean. this night, as i huddle myself in hwubby's warm embrace and he is trying so hard to listen to me even though he is barely awake it dawns on me this. i am looking at naked fear itself. worry is fear's first cousin. so is regret. there was a time, a long time, when i would get sucked into a panic mode or angry and end up creating a mess which i had to clean up. on the pragmatic level it's a huge waste of time, energy and resources. on the spiritual level does it take me closer to my own true nature? yes, if i could see it for what it was and let it go. but, no, when i took it for what i was. nonetheless those experiences have now become benchmarks as i walk the path of exploring my own true nature. i see that i am not sucked into these mental turmoils so quick like before. i look at them and i know they don't add to nor diminish the inner self.

this is the second week i am studying this verse in breakthrough.

what was needed at all times
was full faith and surrender.
if the door frame is low
then bend your head and walk through it.
if a sword is brandished before you
then lower your head; otherwise misfortune will result.

looks like i am able to see the low door frame, i can see the brandishing sword. 
i say that's progress, suk wah.

habitual tendency and bamboo

sometimes i can't help but wish, o, please, i've been working so hard on this habitual tendency, can it go away for good, please?

but, of course, i know i have already made a lot of progress from way back when i would have these yo-yo swings. one moment i am ecstatic and thinking, this anxiety, that fear, such worry are gone forever. unfailingly there would be another moment when i am down and low because i say, i thought i had already got rid of this, why is this coming back to harass me now? what did i do wrong? did i do not enough? blah blah blah.

between then and now i have made a shift in understanding in terms of the nature of habitual tendency. they are sort of like bamboo roots. here's how it works. i think, in fact, i am positive i have removed all of bamboo roots. come next growing season i see a little bamboo shoot coming above ground several feet away from where they used to be. in that moment i feel such a failure. jen, a friend and bamboo nursery owner says, that's the way they are, they keep coming back. i say, man, what should i do? steeped in experience and knowledge, jen says in a clear tone, you nib it when you see it. i say, how long will this go on? she says, could be a while.

that's the way with habitual tendency. when i see it looming in the periphery of awareness i make a conscious inner effort to turn away from it, dive into the sound and motion of the breath, tie my attention to the light of the inner self. in this way i'm not feeding it, i'm nibbing it. meanwhile i hold  the understanding that it will come back. but i'm not worried. it will be smaller and weaker. i will be in the driver seat. not the habitual tendency. case in point. yesterday there was a surprised shake up in a set of circumstances. yet i notice the tendency to get angry and anxious come up in a wimpy way. i barely throw a glance at it before i put my attention back into the present. where the inner self resides.