i see the door frame. i see the sword.

this week so far has been one big test. in one form. here's how it goes down. on the dot at three, or four, or somewhere in between, i stumble out of sleep. the mind is awake. the body is totally still. nothing wrong so far, right? but i can't find an iota of will to summon the body to move. not even wiggle the pinkie. it has taken me two days, almost three, to admit this openly. since monday the heart flutters periodically. thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with, what else, fear and worry, come through. yes, i can tie one reason or another to each and every one of them. but none of them stick. they come and go like foam and froth in the ocean. this night, as i huddle myself in hwubby's warm embrace and he is trying so hard to listen to me even though he is barely awake it dawns on me this. i am looking at naked fear itself. worry is fear's first cousin. so is regret. there was a time, a long time, when i would get sucked into a panic mode or angry and end up creating a mess which i had to clean up. on the pragmatic level it's a huge waste of time, energy and resources. on the spiritual level does it take me closer to my own true nature? yes, if i could see it for what it was and let it go. but, no, when i took it for what i was. nonetheless those experiences have now become benchmarks as i walk the path of exploring my own true nature. i see that i am not sucked into these mental turmoils so quick like before. i look at them and i know they don't add to nor diminish the inner self.

this is the second week i am studying this verse in breakthrough.

what was needed at all times
was full faith and surrender.
if the door frame is low
then bend your head and walk through it.
if a sword is brandished before you
then lower your head; otherwise misfortune will result.

looks like i am able to see the low door frame, i can see the brandishing sword. 
i say that's progress, suk wah.

make space for grace. let go.

a friend just finds out hwubby's pedestrian knockdown episode. she says, that's awful, i'm sorry you had to go through such horror. not missing a beat hwubby says kindly and sincerely, no, i don't think of it this way, not anymore, i really look at it as a growing experience that is still unfolding. our friend says, how so? hwubby says, in the moment when i realize the taxi is coming right at me at, i'd say, thirty-five miles at least, the first thought i have is, why is he doing this, and then the next thought is, what's going to happen, and all this happen in like a nano of a millisecond, and then i am just filled with this clear certainty, don't resist, let go, and i do, and the doctors say that's probably why i have sustained less injuries than it would have been, i have no head injuries, spinal injuries, no surgery needed in the multiple-fractured pelvis, and now as i am dealing with picking up the pieces in work and in life i have to keep reminding myself, let go, let go, and i can see how it is all making space for what's supposed to happen to happen. our friend listens intently with wide open eyes. indeed. hwubby is right. knock out the old stuff. make space for grace.

let her be and include myself

i've been grappling, well, actually struggling is the more accurate word, with the relationship with a particular person for...suffice to say, all my life. so many times in the past i thought i have already taken care of it only to find myself smashed and mushed and rolled over. something is not resolved. not yet. what is it? i ask earnestly, again and again. i am not seeking approval. i am not asking someone else to tell me what i should do. been there. done that. i know the answer is within. so i turn it, turn it and turn it. this morning, three am, i am wide awake. my awareness is wide open and quiet. i hear three words. let. her. be. it feels right. then i hear a follow up question. what about me? response comes in less than a breath. include yourself in the picture. bingo. nailed it. i can see in a super fast flash that in the past i have never done that. and so, for the lack of a gentler way to put it, i became an enabler, appeaser, door mat with rage and resentment and bitterness simmering barely beneath the surface. let it go. gather all that will that i have cultivated all these years, turn it toward the power within my own self, and all the guidance i need is there. nowhere else.

exhaustion and fatigue roar in

hwubby is coming along in a long rehab process. and i find my body speaking up. tidal waves of exhaustion and fatigue quietly roar in. i take a look at the piles of tasks that are backed up. i know i have to start somewhere. yet i don't even have the will to pick up one receipt that awaits to be examined as part of the tax return preparation. i let the phones ring and ring. all i want is to sleep and go into solitude for, say, three months. then i can see a bunch of thoughts, feelings and emotions blurp around, all about, i thought i have done pretty good in terms of keeping the mind and body in a good state.

my cousin says, given what you have been going through, you are adrenaline short. that feels so right. and the msg resonates in meditation today. true that i have done a lot of work to clean out the old tendency to live on survival mode. but the severity and pace of the episodes in the last few months have stirred up entrenched residuals. there is a part of me that immediately switch to high anxiety mode without me conscious about it. okay, now that i see it i am ready to let it go. what does that mean? i'll find out.

grateful for what we don't have

hwubby and i are grateful for what we have and what we don't have. he doesn't have spinal or brain injury. he doesn't need surgery on the pelvis or anywhere. that makes him a good candidate for inpatient rehab. he doesn't have bruises on his gorgeous goose-egg face. one of the broken ribs could have pierced his lungs if it were just a couple of millimeters off. his liver is not irreversibly damaged. he doesn't lose consciousness throughout the whole hit-and-slam. he says, the moment i realize the taxi is going to slam into me i just let go, i surrender. the lawyer says, when the limbs are soft it results in less damages. that totally makes sense. when the hardness of two thousand tons of speeding steel slams into open softness it's much different from whamming and bammming into rigid, frozen fear.

we are grateful that he is alive, able to experience all this compassion and wonders and marvels showering upon him.

i want to be a carbon copy of avraham

there i said it. and i will say it again and again. whatever avraham stands for i want that. i feel so close to him. on many levels. i left where i was born and raised, crossed the ocean and settled in a foreign land. so when i learned that the first direct command avraham received from god is, go forth, leave your mother-and-father's land, i recognize the avraham in me.

avraham is devoted enough to circumcise at eighty-nine and, at the same time, confident enough to negotiate with god when god says, i want to destroy all the people in sodom. i want to become that.

and i have my own two-cents on the binding-son episode. from my simple, and others may consider simplistic, point of view, avraham realizes that his only son doesn't belong to him. god gave him this child and god can take it away. why? i don't know. i have come to the place that i accept that it's not for me to question and judge but to embrace what it is as it is and deal with it wholeheartedly with calm and clarity without attachment and letting go of the thoughts that say, this is mine, that is mine. and so it is i want to be a carbon copy of avraham.