hwubby is coming along in a long rehab process. and i find my body speaking up. tidal waves of exhaustion and fatigue quietly roar in. i take a look at the piles of tasks that are backed up. i know i have to start somewhere. yet i don't even have the will to pick up one receipt that awaits to be examined as part of the tax return preparation. i let the phones ring and ring. all i want is to sleep and go into solitude for, say, three months. then i can see a bunch of thoughts, feelings and emotions blurp around, all about, i thought i have done pretty good in terms of keeping the mind and body in a good state.
my cousin says, given what you have been going through, you are adrenaline short. that feels so right. and the msg resonates in meditation today. true that i have done a lot of work to clean out the old tendency to live on survival mode. but the severity and pace of the episodes in the last few months have stirred up entrenched residuals. there is a part of me that immediately switch to high anxiety mode without me conscious about it. okay, now that i see it i am ready to let it go. what does that mean? i'll find out.