don't sleep well these days. takes a while to fall asleep and keeps coming in and out of it. anyhow last night i dream in one of these short sleeps. beautiful and bright dream. a huge crowd gathers in front of the room hwubby and i live in for a spiritual event. our room is one of several in the back of this space. a huge space. so crowded i have to crawl my way through rows and stacks of people. at one point i have to snake around and under a grand piano. once the event is over people flow out in all directions. i look up and see a splendid vista behind the crowd. i am gazing into spectacular gorge just before sunrise. the top slightly flat-bottomed v is filled with misty, lovely, exquisite pre-dawn lights. the bottom inverted flat-bottomed v is shimmering, midnight blue water. two vast triangular pitch-black masses form the awe-inspiring gorge. then the next scene is this bustling eating scenario after the event. people sit around little tables nibbling. i see this swami, an elegant beloved woman in her seventies. she is beaming. she says to me, in her lyrical voice and kind tone, kind of hungry, need some food. i scurry around very concerned i will not be able to find food good enough for her. i find this old woman selling dollops of chapati dough. i get some only to realize i don't have a rolling pin. anxiety is building up fast. just before i awake it comes to me. toast and tea. i feel this relief. of course. toast and tea are enough and good enough.
aaaah. the remnants of unworthiness, inadequacy.