raging fire. let slave consciousness go.

LA SHANA TOVA. now is the time for jewish new year. may the coming year continue to bring sweetness into you and you and me. sweetness in the bright and bold flavors of strength, courage, perseverance, intoxicating tastes of kindness, generosity. may the breath of yhvh flow into the unfoldments of life. may the merciful one bless us with the awareness to experience the breathing movement touching all that in our life, all that we may not conventionally perceive as pleasant, even all that the mind has been conditioned to think of as bad, unfortunate.

during this period culminating in yom kippur the rabbis say we have to do teshuva. what's that? we reflect on the past year, examine where we were off the mark, forget to think, speak and act from the place of our highest self, and we return.

for most of the past year hwubby was going thru rehab as a result of being hit by a taxi head on, incurring multiple fractures in clavicle, ribs and pelvis. he spent five days in icu, weeks in acute rehab and a full month confined to hospital bed at home. then came months afterward traveling in wheelchairs.

as i look at this pic all i can think of is this. IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE. as a matter of fact i recall when i got the call during which i was informed about the accident i clearly see i am in a moment of choice. i can go into the narrow consciousness of 'i'm the victim...why me...blah blah blah.' instead i see my attention dive with unwavering resolve into the opposite direction. That he is in god's hand and i just have to do the needful.

sometimes when we go thru airports with him in the wheelchair and i holding his cane i like to sway it like a baton. he would tease me, what are you doing, you think we are the multitude leaving egypt? i say, hey, why not, that's a good one. indeed, it's a great one. you see, it's hard to take the slaves out of the narrow land and it's even harder to take the slave consciousness out of us.

raging fire burns up dross and out comes pure gold. may we have the understanding to step into the challenge and allow our golden selves to shine forth fully. amen. may it be so. 

heart is where yerushalayim is. return.

this is the third time in twelve months i'm working at going to hong kong to visit my mother. at least i can commend myself for having perseverance. yeah, suk wah doesn't give up. first it was hwubby grounded by his periodontist because he was not healing properly from extensive gum surgeries. then came january. one week before departure. he was hit by a taxi. now just as we are about to firm up on the tickets he notices some weird thing going on in his teeth and, so far, it is apparently in a nook-and-cranny that is out of x ray reach. oy. meanwhile his long-time, trusted dentist had a terrible accident and is having a hard time recovering. with all these goings on i can sense wild yo-yo swings in the mind.

so there i am in the second day of rosh hashana, the mind wandering off during the services, adrift in foam of frustration fermented in anguish over uncertainty, when suddenly a sound pierces the swirling mental fog like the shofar. 'return.' the guest teacher says, one of the key aspects in the spiritual efforts that are prescribed for this sacred ten days is to return. return to what? where? to that which is not yet articulated. to a more amniotic state. to something that is formless. just like that the timeless wisdom suffused in these words return my attention to where it ought to be. the depths within. my own heart. my own true nature. where yerushalayim, the land of peace, is. only from there i can see clearly what need to be done and what not to do through the constant shifts outside. really, if it's not one thing it's another. if it's not this twist it's that turn. there's always something. that's the nature of life. so if i pin my state upon foam you bet i am like the yoyo at the end of a swinging string. i must apply sweet effort to return attention to my heart, that place of peace within me. the lasting land of peace that is truly free of the anguish of existence.

happy jewish new year. sweetness.

happy jewish new year. l'shana tova. may this year continue to bring abundant sweetness to everyone's hearts. may this sweetness flow out into the universe. may we have the courage, clarity to experience the sweetness manifested in the universe in infinite ways. may we have the eye to see the sweetness streaming our way and receive it with an open heart and mind.

my rabbi says, high holidays is the time for incredible transformation if you choose to put in the spiritual efforts. sweet efforts that will bear sweet fruit. question. what is something good in my life this past year? i close my eyes, aloft in the hauntingly beautiful traditional melody. what do i see? hwubby hit by a taxi. really. seriously. what a jolt. it kicks out all mental chatter and anchor me in the present moment. i realize how much i love him and he me. next to a thunderous lightning such as this all other noises pale. i share this with the person next to me. she says, yeah, you see what's really important.

as i type this i recall my guru's words.
the tests come in many forms.
sometimes they strike like lightning.


indeed. some mental tendencies are like bamboo roots. extremely difficult to completely root out on my own. sometimes it does take the sword of lightning grace to go at it. then the sweetness of my own true nature can break through and shine.

bro pang only speaks when necessary.

a friend, an american to be exact, asks hwubby, why this chinese treatment, the doctors are not working? hwubby, as always in his polite and clear mode, says, the doctors do what they do, they say the bones are healing. it takes ten to twelve weeks in my case. they show me the x rays, where the fractures are, or used to be and they point out to me where the healing is happening. can i walk? yes, with help of a cane and occasional walker. but i don't feel anything on the right side. weak and stiff. i sit for a few minutes and i feel very, very uncomfortable. then pain comes in. with bro pang, after the first treatment i can honestly say i can feel i have a right side. there are mornings when i kind of think i don't know how i can get this adhesive off. but i do. because it's so worth it.

speaking of 'so worth it' hwubby corrrects something i posted yesterday. he says, i was in the apple store when i saw these dark brown patties falling out of my pants. hey, that's even more cool than in the bus, right. i mean, i am laughing to the floor. i can only imagine those super cool nerds so focusing on what they are doing that they don't see those poop patties dropping all over around them. by the way, i don't think they look like poop. really. i found some on the bed and floor when i arrived. i remember thinking to myself, why does hwubby eat ginger snaps in the bed and these look like the wheat-free, gluten free ones that i made with molasses.

i digress. so, back to hwubby feeling his right side. this makes total sense. two thousand tons of speeding steel hitting flesh and bone of course creates tsunami waves of destruction in blood and chi flow. it's like the otherwise smooth river is blocked by boulders, pebbles and rocks and mangled piles of branches and leaves. over the course of time, the debris rot, fresh water turn stale and the rest of it. of course the doctors have done a great job. but what bro pang does is restoring blood and chi flow. and what he accomplishes i nothing less than magical. magic that he produces not by waving a wand or casting a spell but solid experiences over forty years founded on his special gifts, a quest for learning, dedication to the art and craft of this ancient discipline. my cousin, who is pang's in-law, says, pang never makes social calls, or just calls to say hello that sort of thing but he calls once his daughter told him that ben was hit by a car. what does he say? all he says is this is serious, ben must come for not just one or two days but longer, and also, is he coughing? at one point, over dim sum i ask pang, why coughing? he says, have to adjust the herbs if he cough. coughing makes pain in broken ribs. indeed, according to the orthopedic surgeon rib pain is the worst because every breath triggers excruciating pain. what's my point here? my point is pang is attentive to details and cares about the patient. he only speaks when it is necessary. what a refreshing difference. what a great teaching for me to keep in mind. what great good fortune we have to be in-lawed to him.

bro pang. sifu ho yer.

to kick it all off, this is a huge shout out to hwubby. he is so courageous and determined. here's a glimpse of what he goes through for chinese bone treatments. every night he sleeps with medicinal pads on certain parts on the right side of his body. the medicine is a custom-made herbal paste of more than thirty ingredients. it takes more than a year to prepare and age. it is spread over a gauze and held in place with adhesives. keep in mind hwubby has abundant body hair. this is how he does it in the morning. he sits up, holds himself steady at the edge of the bed. he takes in a deep, deep breath. as he makes a forceful exhalation, with a loud hooh he tears off the adhesive. part of my heart breaks to see him go through such pain. in the spirit of lightheartedness i say he has brazilian waxing every day. he says, one time i go to this dinner party after a treatment, every adult assures me the smell doesn't bother them. then i play with this five year old and he goes, your stomach smells. yet another time somehow the adhesive loosens and the hardened herbal paste fall through his pants. hwubby says, i am standing on the bus and suddenly i see these poop-like patties coming out of my pants. i know i shouldn't laugh but i just can't help it. you go, hwubby.

why is he willing to go thru this day after day? he has come all the way to seattle and been enduring this for more than two weeks. because he recognizes the benefits. he can feel the difference. he feels looser, less sore. he is so grateful. we both do.

what's the story here? turns out we have this relative, bro pang, who knows a lot about this ancient chinese bone healing practice. pang found this teacher when he was little in china. he talks about his teacher with so much reverence. he says, i have not learned a lot from him. and pang's been at this for forty years. bro pang doesn't speak a word of english. i think he's been in this country for more than two decades. he doesn't small talk. he doesn't butter up anybody. a straight and narrow shooter. not interested in commercializing his gifts. hwubby says, he walks into the room, immediately tells me to stay away from the couch, and starts doing his thing. he runs the back of his hand over my right side. later on in our conversations bro pang says, i can tell the temperature difference. when he identifies a spot he applies over it a herb-infused liquid which he prepares with meticulous care. hwubby says, he really digs in, his daughter, who is our niece-in-law and serves as his translator, keeps asking hwubby, is it too painful. hwubby knows this is all beneficial pain. he reassures them, it's okay. i say, is it like shiatsu massage? he says, this is way beyond shiatsu. where he rubs, and by the way, he rubs with special moves in a targeted manner, blacks and blue and purple quickly surface. pang says these are the bruises lodged deep within ligaments and tendons. they are there as a result of the moving taxi hitting his body. they block blood and chi flow. they have to be broken down, drawn out and redistributed into circulation. otherwise arthritis result down the line. guaranteed.

by the time i arrive seattle, pang says, one rib is not healing properly, not lined up straight. i say, what now? he says bluntly, i lined them up, okay now. seriously. now hwubby sneezes, coughs, and breathes. no pain. pang says, now he can stand up tall. i look at hwubby up and down. pang is right.

after every treatment hwubby gives two thumbs up to bro pang and says, sifu ho yer. teacher rocks. i say pang is a huge boon to humanity. a true miracle worker. we couldn't be more fortunate.

gratitude draws grace

this is the first week that doctors allow hwubby to start doing physical exercise unsupervised. a dear, dear friend gifts us a week at a chic chic health club. so there i am finding my way around this fancy schmancy place. who knew i would end up talking more than exercising. really. just in the locker room, and wearing nothing but a towel throwing over my shoulder, three women, in rather rapid succession, look at me and say, suk wah. all are people i haven't seen a long while. so of course they naturally ask, how's ben? now, check this out. they all have the same reaction when i say, he was hit by a taxi in new york city, sustained multiple fractures. first their eyes pop out right at me, jaws drop to the floor, and say, in different wordings, in total sincerity,  i'm so sorry, what a horrible tragedy. what is my reaction to their reaction? i find myself unable to bring myself to go along and say, yeah, what a horrible tragedy.

of course i don't wish it on anybody. it's not a painless trip. i'm not saying i am at a place where i can say, tragedy, what tragedy, no tragedy. hwubby is not saying, like lance armstrong does, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. but, as he says to them, i feel so very fortunate, fortunate to be alive, fortunate i don't have brain damage, spinal injury, fortunate i don't need surgery.

his ayurvedic doctor says, upon taking the first glance at him since the taxi hit, there's so much life in your eyes. hwubby says, gratitude, i have so much gratitude. indeed, living in gratitude draws grace like iron dust to magnet.

nephew and niece. needs and wants.

my cousin says, we have to go to the outlets. i know my cousin. he is shopping for the kids. sure enough, it's my nephew who needs shirts and shoes. i say, yeah, he is growing like by the minute. my cousin says, no, the school has these events and they have to dress in a certain way. o, i see. i begin to digress with questions like, what's wrong with how they are dressing. anyhow, my cousin says to his daughter, do you want anything? guess what this ten-year-old says? without missing a beat she says clearly and calmly, no, i don't need anything. well, well, well, i am really impressed. this bright sparkle knows the difference between needs and wants. as a matter of fact, when we are in the outlets, the three females, my cousin's wife, niece and me, are all dizzed out after swirling through a couple of stores. turns out we are all into needs, not wants. i know exactly what i need. i acquire $19.99 levi skinny jeans to go with the armani and ferragamo jackets. i don't know how else i can wear them and look good. so, okay, i don't exactly need it. and it's another blog post to go into it. anyway my cousin's wife needs 'uniform' for her corporate job. her daughter plays the role of a portable rack holding her mother's selections. we hang out around the accessories while her mother is in the fitting room. she glosses her eyes over the pretty trinkets. half an hour is all we need and it just about maxes out our shopping tolerance.

now i really digress. anyhoo, of course everybody asks how hwubby is doing. by the way, the kids love, love uncle ben. i say, he is coming along, but he's still got ways to go, and changes in weather really bring on pain and discomforts. my niece asks, why does change in weather make uncle ben have pain? wowow. a mindstopper. right away i realize i am just on auto-play mode repeating what has been repeated generations, actually millenia. for a moment i have the urge to act like a knowledgeable aunt. but i feel a strong msg from within. be honest.  so i turn to my niece and say, this is a great question, and i don't know, i don't know the mechanism and biology involved.

i still don't know the answer to my niece's thoughtful and spot on question. but i do know this. i could not have asked such a question at her age. talk about not just taking things as they are but examining with a clear and strong mind. now, this is hope i can believe in. o, yes, to you parents, doing a great job, contributing big to humanity. without a doubt, my nephew and niece are big boons to humankind.

a boon in disguise

i don't go out in the evenings. if i do it is a super-duper special event. so when i feel this desire to say yes to this facebook invite i think it is because the host and hostess are fellow yogis who are dear to me. so there we are, hwubby and i, having a wonderful time with all these people in a gallery, celebrating the creativity and birthday of a fine yogi, tom franco. by the way, all these years, i pretty much see tom in between extended meditations. while i meditate on my elaborately arrangement of blankets and cushions tom dedicates to selfless service to create and sustain a meditative environment for seekers. he's a major boon to humanity. we nod and smile at each other and i feel so close to him. anyway, anyhoo, i am so thrilled to see him in his full artistic glory.

while i am enjoying the yummy birthday cake and the spread of refreshment that julia, tom's sweetheart, collaborator and life partner so lovingly has put together  i notice hwubby absorbed in a conversation with a highly esteemed yogi. so later i say, out of curiosity, you had a nice time with vinod, huh? hwubby says, he knows what happened to me, and he doesn't mince words. i say, what do you mean, what does he say? well, vinod says, to this effect, you had a rest, it's a boon in disguise, you had to learn something, you were made sure to learn it. hwubby says, what is it? vinod says, discipline. and then he gazes into hwubby and says, you got off dirt cheap. really. who knew we would be illumined with such divine understanding while a hot band is rocking out a few feet from we stand. i realize there isn't a spiritual life within and a worldly life without. it's one life.

we are a guac black hole

six of us doing the practices together. sweet and intimate. we chant rudram with our guru on dvd. i have no doubt she is with us right here in shivaa's divine abode and we have her all to ourselves. i feel that much closer to god, that much closer to my own true nature, my innermost self, the source of all that i am. as i glide into meditation on the wave of resonance from our singing om this steady throb pulses through my entire being. the scents of shivaa's blooming roses quietly infuse through the windows and dusk lights and permeate my awareness.

we emerge from all this with a bottomless appetite for food. shivaa says, i made this guac with five huge avocados. and? we wipe it all out to the last drop. we are surely a guac black hole. i, for one, have two big bowls of shivaa's spring soup. tender fava beans in a shittake broth enriched by coconut milk. slivers of a variety of mushrooms float together with bits of carrots and red pepper flakes. a hint of ginger gives it an extra subtle buzz. for salad shivaa does this spring number. cole slaw with mint. lorraine is the first one who raves about it. i take a bite and my jaw drops. a brilliant move.

stomach satisfied and mind quiet i hitch a ride home with shrileka continuing with our spiritual catching up. as far as i am concerned that is the real dessert. insights and understandings arising from us examining and reflecting our experiences sweeten our perceptions as we take care of all kinds of life challenges. we realize more and more all this is grace. all this is grace. and all this is grace. as a seasoned yogi says about hwubby's taxi hit, a boon in disguise. now, ain't that sweet.

keep eye on the highest.

i had my share of travel days. i would love to go to places far away and just roam. now that i have a solid meditation practice all i need is to go into the meditation closet, sit on the mat, close my eyes, settle attention in the breath flow, and i enter this space that is way larger than the body. it is actually sort of like the deep outer space. i can't see the edge of it. yet it is held within my being. with every breath this sense of marvel builds and builds and builds. there are days that i come out of meditation reluctantly because there are things that have to be taken care of. the desire to go deeper and higher into this space gets stronger with each meditation. as a matter of fact when i first got the call that hwubby was hit by a taxi in new york among my very first thoughts was this. o, no, i hope i can keep meditating every day. as it turns out i get to stay in a two bedroom garden level apartment in a townhouse all that time. i have it all to myself. not only do i get to meditate everyday i even have my own meditation room. one three a.m. i awake to this magical vista in the courtyard. overnight snow transform the space into a fantasy landscape. bluish white domes sit on top of pots. sparkling white snakes cling to tree branches. as i take in this i hear this message from within. keep your eye on the highest and you'll be fine. i feel more than fine. i feel i am with life and life is with me.

make space for grace. let go.

a friend just finds out hwubby's pedestrian knockdown episode. she says, that's awful, i'm sorry you had to go through such horror. not missing a beat hwubby says kindly and sincerely, no, i don't think of it this way, not anymore, i really look at it as a growing experience that is still unfolding. our friend says, how so? hwubby says, in the moment when i realize the taxi is coming right at me at, i'd say, thirty-five miles at least, the first thought i have is, why is he doing this, and then the next thought is, what's going to happen, and all this happen in like a nano of a millisecond, and then i am just filled with this clear certainty, don't resist, let go, and i do, and the doctors say that's probably why i have sustained less injuries than it would have been, i have no head injuries, spinal injuries, no surgery needed in the multiple-fractured pelvis, and now as i am dealing with picking up the pieces in work and in life i have to keep reminding myself, let go, let go, and i can see how it is all making space for what's supposed to happen to happen. our friend listens intently with wide open eyes. indeed. hwubby is right. knock out the old stuff. make space for grace.

from papaya to litigation

i am so happy with what i got. bags of bargain produce. check this out. three hawaiian papaya for eighty nine cents. now, they do look very...ugly. one of them actually is caving in. but guess what, that's sweet sunshine in disguise. a spoonful of its saffron juicy flesh, the aroma and flavor send me straight to the beach where the president of united states hung out as a boy. another couple of mouthfuls later i realize something. i see that hwubby and i are presented with a fantastic opportunity to really deepen our connection to our innermost, highest self. we are going through litigation and yesterday our lawyer presented us a situation where we have to make a choice. a tough choice. how to go about choosing which way to go? what is the right thing to do? food for contemplation. i scoop out another mound of heavenly papaya and i go deeper and higher into my own true nature. there i will receive the guidance i need. it may not come while i am eating up the papaya. so i have to stay vigilant, be aware. messages may come in any direction, any manner, any shape or size.

how's the food in new york?

hwubby and i walk into the oakland chinatown store where we get lottery tickets and restaurant tips. the store owner and his wife work all day and eat out all the time. so they know what's good and what's new. anyway the owner takes one look at hwubby who is on walker and says, what's up, man? hwubby says, i got knocked down by a taxi in new york city. the owner blinks, his facial expression unchanged. his wife looks up from the cash register and says, her facial expression also unchanged, how's the food in new york? now, back to suk wah. what's my reaction? lo and behold, all that goes through my mind is this. o, dear, i don't know, i didn't have anything other than hospital food, gee, i screwed up. a little while later we are no longer in the store. hwubby says, did you hear what she say? i say, yeaaah. hwubby says, chinese really don't want to talk about anything negative, or anything that has to do with emotions. i say, yeaah, we don't really talk about anything, period. meanwhile it dawns on me that i just had a moment where i was chewed up by a residual tendency. okay, time to let it go.

dripping and reconciling

this is gross but it is the truth. the credit statement i just reconciled is spotted with drippings from my...nosie. what can i do. one hand holding the clip board, the other is either holding a pencil or typing numbers. those waters of grace are too unpredictable for me to grab a tissue. anyhow, anyhoo, this credit statement took an entire day. i started it, i don't remember the exact date, before hwubby went to new york. it covers the holiday season. it has 145 transactions, most of them without receipts and a bunch of them hwubby have trouble recognizing and remembering them. so we agree on the phone we'll finish it when he returns from new york. and then the ensuing months he has been in hospital, rehab and so on and so forth. so when i pick this baby up it looks like an alien. after going through it line by line three times i'm still two dollars short. i stare at the crosses, marks, folds and tiny numbers. i sigh and start all over again. about ten transactions into it i get it. one of the no-receipt transactions should be eight dollars, not six as i tried hard to read it with a deep, frayed fold running across it. but by then it's too late. i have already erased all the checked marks. so i take a deep breath, remind myself i resolve this year to cultivate patience. what has to be done has to be done. i keep going. and i do it. yay.

pain and pleasure

it's snowing beautifully. late february in portland, oregon. at the same time hwubby is sick. all night he vacillates between feverish and chills. he feels achy all over, particularly in the bones and heaviness in the chest. given he has broken ribs this is a cause for concern. he sips rice porridge, honey lemon. by the way, i have a big bag of meyer lemons, that are from karuna's orchard, sitting at home in oakland. but i have to buy lemon here at ninty-nine cents each. ridiculous. anyhow, anyhoo, the doctor says his chest is clear - very fortunate - and he has some sort of virus that will take seven to ten days to clear, and if it is not by then, back to the doctor. so what's my point here? my hunch is this drastic change in weather is hard on his body that is going through a huge healing process. this snow is pleasing to the eyes but it is causing pains. and that is how it goes in this physical world. a pleasurable thing has a dark streak. always. the law of duality rules here.

exhaustion and fatigue roar in

hwubby is coming along in a long rehab process. and i find my body speaking up. tidal waves of exhaustion and fatigue quietly roar in. i take a look at the piles of tasks that are backed up. i know i have to start somewhere. yet i don't even have the will to pick up one receipt that awaits to be examined as part of the tax return preparation. i let the phones ring and ring. all i want is to sleep and go into solitude for, say, three months. then i can see a bunch of thoughts, feelings and emotions blurp around, all about, i thought i have done pretty good in terms of keeping the mind and body in a good state.

my cousin says, given what you have been going through, you are adrenaline short. that feels so right. and the msg resonates in meditation today. true that i have done a lot of work to clean out the old tendency to live on survival mode. but the severity and pace of the episodes in the last few months have stirred up entrenched residuals. there is a part of me that immediately switch to high anxiety mode without me conscious about it. okay, now that i see it i am ready to let it go. what does that mean? i'll find out.

the hand of benevolence gently puts him down

hwubby says, as soon as i realize the taxi is going to slam right into me i am just filled with this sense, to let go, do not resist. so he goes limb. two thousand tons of moving steel hit his right. like a rag doll he is thrown into the night new york city air, dents the hood, cracks the windshield before spinning into the icy cold air and dropping onto the freezing ground on his left. i am not making light of all the broken ribs, clavicle, multiple pelvic fractures, and so on and so forth. in the ensuing days and nights he keeps seeing the car ram into him. o, yes, he stays conscious the whole time. they put him on morphine and he still goes through spasms which, on a pain scale of one to ten, are off the charts. having said all that, he is very, very lucky, in the words of the attending trauma physician in bellevue. mr bernstein, he says, you are very very lucky. indeed. they find no spinal injury, brain damage, no surgery necessary. everything is healable. if that is not grace, i don't know what is. the hand of benevolence holds him up and gently puts him down.

grateful for what we don't have

hwubby and i are grateful for what we have and what we don't have. he doesn't have spinal or brain injury. he doesn't need surgery on the pelvis or anywhere. that makes him a good candidate for inpatient rehab. he doesn't have bruises on his gorgeous goose-egg face. one of the broken ribs could have pierced his lungs if it were just a couple of millimeters off. his liver is not irreversibly damaged. he doesn't lose consciousness throughout the whole hit-and-slam. he says, the moment i realize the taxi is going to slam into me i just let go, i surrender. the lawyer says, when the limbs are soft it results in less damages. that totally makes sense. when the hardness of two thousand tons of speeding steel slams into open softness it's much different from whamming and bammming into rigid, frozen fear.

we are grateful that he is alive, able to experience all this compassion and wonders and marvels showering upon him.

hwubby in bellevue hospital

it could have been so much worse. hwubby was hit by a taxi in new york city. he was thrown into the air, dented the hood, cracked the windshield before hitting ground. pretty beat up. his attending physician in bellevue hospital says, broken ribs are the worst pain. and hwubby has a bunch of them, besides a broken clavicle, cracked pelvis, lung bruises and liver lacerations. o, yes, a broken pinkie too. but he is very, very lucky. no surgery is necessary. yes, there are bruises but none on his face. he's going through phenomenal physical pains but his mind is clear. in fact he was conscious the whole time these two thousand tons of accelerating steel hit him.

this happened last friday night. now, four days later i find myself gazing into a magical world created by a night of snow as i stand in the living room of this garden level apartment in chelsea. i just come out of a sweet meditation. it's warm quiet all around me and within me. how can i not feel safe, supported and cared for when there have been abundant loving help streaming in everywhere through everyone that i cross path with. as my guru says again, all this is grace, all this is grace, all this is grace.

i couldn't have created a better set up to cultivate what i want to cultivate. patience. and so i feel grateful and tranquil, deeply tranquil.