as a matter of fact i am happiness

friends ask, what do you do in the retreat? i say, we sit and be quiet. that simple. and radical too. for the most part of the two days no sooner than the facilitator says, close your eyes, than i go straight to a place of no linear time, no words, no sense of dimension. just a mass of bright serenity, joyous contentment. more often than not i experience my awareness descending at super high speed into the depths of my inner being. it's all very subtle.

there was a time when i came out of meditation upset that i missed the meditation instruction, that i must have not meditated. seriously. of course i was also upset that i didn't have any dramatic experiences. where's the light? thunder? visions? i would feel so disappointed and then envious when others described  their super audio-visual experiences. not anymore. i have come to appreciate my own experiences. really. i notice there are so much less mindless wanderings. i am able to step back with ease from the tendency to worry, to project into the future. when we are chanting a long mantra praising the qualities our own true nature i actually vividly sense that yes, i am not the thoughts, feelings and emotions. my senses are open and functioning but i am not dependent on sensory pleasures for my happiness. as a matter of fact, i am happiness.

the first thing i notice at the end of the retreat is this. where is that lifelong nagging restlessness? and what about the doubting voice? i don't expect they vanish for good but i know now that they are not in the driving seat anymore.

reflections in the mirror of the mind

hwubby says, i'm having this experience of a peace that is beyond understanding, no words for it.

indeed. that's the thing about being with the inner self, being in the inner self, being the inner self. the experience is so beyond the mind, beyond the experience of the senses. in this morning's meditation, the moment i drape the shawl over my head, the final step in settling the body into the easy lotus posture, my awareness just dives instantaneously into a place within that is so great that i have no words for it. there's a wakefulness and alertness that is fresh and exhilarating. yet it is quiet, exquisitely quiet. for a little while i see the mind in the state of a sparkling mirror. all mental activity are but reflections.