happiness generator. doggie.

i am not a dog person but i have to say this one really tugs my heart. look. i walk into the rabbi's house for torah study. what catches my eye before the rabbi's beaming, welcoming presence? a caramel-gold bundle wiggles on the floor, partly hidden behind the couch. turns out it's his new dog. a four month old golden labradoodle. i wish i could take a photo of him standing on hind legs, placing the front ones on the rabbi's thigh while the rabbi is singing the praises of yhvh. his eyes can be barely seen from underneath the soft gold fur. his wet tongue practically swinging and swaying in sync with the rhythm of the rabbi's singsong prayer. i can picture this sweetie having his own yamulke and tzizit. my rabbi is one of those rare beings who knows his life purpose and utterly comfortable in his own being. having said that i can see this little puppy brings a special flavor of joy to his heart. i say as much. he says, yes, he is a happiness generator.

and that brings to my mind another lovely happiness generator. true story. this person had to move. the circumstance was such that she couldn't take her dog. so she prayed, please let me find a place for her, the right place. nothing happened. nothing seemed to be working out.

the moving date was drawing near. she kept praying. one day while she was walking the dog a couple and their child appeared from around the corner. the child saw the dog and cried, doggie, doggie. the parents looked at the dog like they just ran into god. the long and short of it was their child was autistic and had not uttered a sound since birth. until this 'doggie' moment. need i say more about how the story ended? and that brings to mind some words from my guru. what's needed at all times is full faith and surrender. 

stay close to yhvh. yhvh takes care of the rest.

so happy to be able to go to women's torah study. haven't been there for a long while. this is a unique tradition in our congregation. it started more than a decade ago when a female congregant was hit by a bus. she was in hospital for quite a while. i wasn't in the congregation yet. so this is all story to me. but what a beautiful, moving story. a group of women organized shabbas at her bedside. when she was able to get out of bed, she said she missed going to torah study. the women said then torah study will come to you. since then she has recovered marvelously and the women torah study tradition stay on. i gotta say this is the setting where i was really encouraged to speak up. it's a different flavor from studying with the rabbi. really readings of the scripture from the lenses of a whole range of life experiences. usually i am just absorbed in taking in the menu of views and comments and shares. then we have a potluck meal. it always turns out to be a delicious, abundant spread. today as i taste the fresh, sweet tomato direct from farmers market i realize this is what freedom is truly is. that i can pursue a spiritual path tailored for me, receiving the best of so many traditions. i am truly fortunate.

i have forgotten to mention these women step up to help and support me throughout hwubby's taxi hit episode. prayers. blessings. practical help. therefore it's my own experience that i do whatever i have to do to stay close to yhvh and yhvh will take care of the rest.

what's a real chinese meal like?

i'm in, robin, my jewish sis's car on the way to sabbath morning service and torah study. somehow our sabbath conversation turns to food. she says, can i get some real chinese food in berkeley. i say, yeah, but the one i really like is not in berkeley and the walls are covered with handwritten dish names that you don't find in the printed menus. robin says, yeah, i've seen that, and i don't really know what they are from the english translations. i say, you're right, they don't convey the depth and breadth of them. robin says, all right, so can you tell me what is a real chinese meal like? i pause for a moment or two. i say, okay, so here's a simple home meal i had recently.

check this out. a soup of american ginseng and black silk-bamboo chicken. slow cooked for hours, needless to say. my hostess got fresh fish from the tank. she didn't get the whole fish. robin says, why, i thought you eat the whole thing. i say, you're right but in this case my cousin, the hostess, makes an elegant decision because of what i like. robin says, which is what? i say, fish head. she braises the fish head with crumbled bean curd skin and shittake. i share the fish cheeks with my nephew. but the best part of this dish is the bean curd skin. it soaks up the essence of everything. the delicate texture and flavor of bean curd skin meld all the strong tastes into a rich and surreal whole. the fish tail is simply steamed with lots of julienne ginger and green onion. robin says, what about the rest of the fish? i chuckle and say, that's too tough for out palette because the fish is too big, we leave it for americans to do their fillet thing. robin laughs. i continue. for veggie there is stir fry hairy squash with dried shrimps. robin goes quiet before she says, you talk just like martin yang. i giggle, waggle a finger and say, uc-ah, i talk like me. robin says, that's right, that's right. robin has always been someone who strongly encourages me to speak up and speak for myself. during torah study sessions, every so often when i am not really sure if i want to say my two-cent amidst the fireworks of insights and comments robin would turn to me and say, do you have anything to say, suk wah? does she pick up my momentary contraction when i forget that the force of yhvh flows through me just as it does everyone else? i don't know. all i know is i am so fortunate to be able to enjoy all these fantastic and spectacular ancient traditions. i am a lucky chin-jew.

holiness in action

yhvh says in torah, be holy. what is holy? the question reverberates in me as i tune in to the day's news. and there they are. galaxies of strangers shining in devastated places in tornado hit region. they see what happens. they are moved to come. no one forces them to do it. no one pays them to do it. they roll up their sleeves. they open their purses. their faces shine like the sun. their eyes sparkle like stars. i realize i am watching holiness in action. the sense of separateness dissolve. that which is sacred in me sees that which is sacred in each and everyone of them.

me and the golden calf

i'm not an intellectual. i am not a political activist. i am not a thinker. i am a simple yogi. that's why i am irresistibly drawn to the chassidic way of receiving the torah. i look at the tale of the golden calf and i see myself in the israelites. not moses. i wish. true that moses can't control his anger and in that i can claim some resemblance. but moses has this unwavering faith in yhvh and strong detachment to wealth and all things material. think about it. first he abandons his life as the prince of egypt. then, upon hearing a call from a burning bush, he walk away from a stable and wealthy life complete with wife and kids. for what? to lead a stiffnecked people through a whole host of trials and tribulations, and then to be told in his face that he would never live to step foot on the promised land. still his faith remains intact and radiant. i wish i had moses' kind of faith.

anyhow, anyhoo, i'm more of the israelites. how so. i tend to forget just as they forget that it's yhvh who leads them, empowers them to walk out of the narrow land of slavery. i doubt easily just as the israelites. and this is why i love the torah so much. it's authentic. it gives me hope. rabbi lerner says, this is the second revelation. yhvh sees that he can take the slaves out of egypt but he can't take the narrow consciousness out of slaves. they can't hold the sublime truth. kind of like looking straight into the blazing sun. they slip right back into the grip of fear. and here comes compassion. really, without compassion i would have been obliterated all ago.

circumcising the heart

i love the tradition of singing certain prayers at a particular time year after year. case in point. this yom kippur this particular phrase in a hymn that has been sung for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. we ask yhvh to grant us the courage and strength to remove the coverings of the heart. circumcision of the heart, if you will. i've been yah-lah-lah-ing this year after year but this time, for a fleeting moment, something about it resonates deep within me. indeed. my heart is pure but there are layer upon layer of covering over it. all habitual tendencies of one form or another. conditionings. accepted social norms. attachments. expectations. unmet expectations. identification with appearances. confusing perceptions with what's real. desire to be liked, to please, to look good. mistaking acquired stuff as true security. panic in the face of fear. blah blah blah. but, enough is enough. they all have to go because i want to be fully-realized. as in yom kippur, i see the image of avraham accepting the covenance with yhvh and circumcised at the age of eighty. to me it means doing whatever is necessary in order to walk with yhvh.

friends ask, are you ok? my heart is fine. the heart is always fine. the rest are just circumstances to go through and things to take care of.

cleaning out the inner world

the first day of jewish new year is also the occasion for celebrating the birth of the universe. in this simple mind, this is celebrating the birth of the physical universe as much as hailing the fresh beginning of my inner universe.

the culmination of a full day of praying and singing praises to yhvh, which, by the way, is so much fun, we are at the waters in a park, throwing pieces of challah into the running stream. what's going on here? we are tossing away whatever we want to remove from our inner world, all that which veil and block our highest vision of ourselves which is none other than the pure and powerful force of healing and transformation expressing as us in each of our unique and marvelous forms.

i know exactly what i want to throw out. impatience. unworthiness. more impatience. more unworthiness. hey, what about i just want to get up every morning to meditate no matter what? all those nagging thoughts and feelings that hold me back from getting out of bed. throw them all out. may it be so.

happy jewish new year

may i just ask one little thing of yhvh, that i will dwell in your house forever? may i only remember kindness, generosity, laughter? may i always taste your sweetness in whoever i am with and wherever i am? may i be open and quiet within so i can always hear your guidance. may it be so.

remembering yhvh

i'm sure there are all kinds of ways and means to help us remember our connection with yhvh, the healing and transformation power that runs through all things and all creatures, including us. given the technology as it is we don't have a lack of outside objects and hardware and software for this purpose. having said that, for me, the thing that works is turning attention to the sound and motion in the breath. i can do it anyway i want. breathe in. yud. breathe out. hay. breathe in. va. breathe out. hay. or the other way round. breathe out. yud. breathe in. hay. breathe out. va. breathe in. hay. the beauty is endless. it costs nothing. it is portable. it is with me 24/7. i can do it anywhere with anyone and nobody knows it. except me. it puts me back in the light of the inner self, free of the veil of anger, anxiety, i don't like this person, fear and so on and so forth. the key thing for me is to remember to bring attention to the breath. there are times when i don't even realize i am already caught up in the turmoil of thoughts and feelings. the good news is, with my meditation practice i am shortening the lapse between one remembrance and the next. i catch myself sooner.

hammer the body and mind into gold

here's how the menorah should be made as instructed by yhvh. the lampstand is hammered from gold from base to petal. the seven lamps give light at the front of the stand.

in this simple mind i see the lampstand to be the body and mind, the lights the light of god. god's light shows me the way forward. god's light is the way forward. god's light is the path. the lights are blazing within the lampstand. so is the light of my own self within me. 'hammered' is a keyword. so is 'gold.' i have to work hard to turn the body and mind into pure gold in order to hold the light. for me, meditation is the 'hammer.'

hooked on meditation.

two hours of sweet, sweet meditation. the body is definitely hooked. i couldn't have kept roaming in the increasingly lengthening and deepening breath if there were not things to do.

for sure the low dose restlessness that's been forever in the body is mostly gone. i feel so comfortable in the easy lotus posture that there is not an iota of desire to shift in any way. there's a lightness in the mind beyond measure.

i am definitely becoming more and more aware of the sound of yhvh in the breath. yud. hay. vav. hay. real as can be. it's a feeling of awe and security at the same time.

today's chai is that little bit more yummy. i don't need it. but with a bright and free mind aloft in a clean and quiet consciousness i enjoy it even more.

where is yhvh?

what is yhyh? here's my experience. it's all in the breath. sound. movement. all of it. which is the sound of inbreath? y? or h? either one works. i try both. one feels just as comfortable and wonderful as the other. hey, this is compassion.

it's fascinating and humbling to realize that whichever way i choose to go with i still end up flowing along in the easy breath. it's thrilling to have the direct knowledge that yhvh, that which makes possible a people to be freed from slavery, is in me 24/7. once i understand this it is only natural that i have respect for all because yhvh is in everyone.

i don't have to look out there anywhere for yhvh. i just have to become aware of it. breathe in nice and easy. breathe out nice and easy. here i am. immersed in my consciousness and on the way from what i am to what i ought to be. it's that simple.

hay. what a relief. what joy.

bringing me close to yhvh

this week's tosha portion is the beginning of the book leviticus.

here's my experience of the compassionate wisdom of the rabbis. we return to the torah portion year after year. depending on where i am at i look at the portion differently. also each year i get a little more familiar with it. i become a little closer to it. so far, for a few years, i've been dreading the books after exodus. it's like, the high drama is over. now we have to wander in the desert and get pounded with rule after rule, dredging through one practical detail after another.

building the sanctuary and altar within. 38m + 28m

this week's parasha is terumah, essentially, on the surface, the construction manual of the tabernacle.

rabbi asks, who wants to read? up goes my hand. why? i've been really struggling with this portion in the last few years. the mind would be completely adrift. this year i determine to try a little harder to see if i can crack the nut a little bit. well, at least, stay awake.

soon into reading the meticulous, elaborate instructions, something happens within. the splendor and beauty of the materials burn out the fog of agitation. the measurements, placements, step-by-step instructions gather my focus towards the center of my consciousness. i watch my finger move across the line on the page in sync with the sound flowing out of the body.

aaah, in this simple mind, i realize i am having an experience approximating what the kabbalists say, that the body is the sanctuary where the force of healing and transformation dwell.

as i sit comfortably with quiet delight in the lovely sound and movement of the breath it comes to me that a quiet mind is as marvelous an altar as can be.

quite a bit of pure gold are being used in constructing the tabernacle. well, it's also quite a process to extract the dross from the ore in order to get pure gold. i see no difference in extracting the mental dross to make the mind a sparkling mirror reflecting courage, strength, kindness, and a golden altar of pure and free joy.

what is the real chanukkah miracle?

on the way home after the best ever chanukkah party with our fellow congregants hwubby says, i think the real miracle is recognizing what we have is enough.

a new tradition is born. happy chanukkah.

come to the first night of chanukkah after a day of busy airport, full flight, stormy weather. i look at the low, dark sky. i can see the old habitual tendency that drags the body and mind to go down lurking in the periphery of consciousness.

avraham. itzak. what's impossible to man is possible to yhvh

there are many things i like about torah study. this is one of my favorites. i get to revisit a story once a year under supervision (and i have excellent supervision), and i am amazed to discover that i always see something i didn't see before. without exception.

for instance. on avraham and itzak. in my simple mind, avraham is the first documented parent who truly understands that a child doesn't belong to the parent but to yhvh. also, what's impossible to human beings is possible to yhvh.

holding this understanding in my consciousness takes away so much of the tendency rooted in 'this is mine, that is mine.'

from this perspective i aspire to be avraham.