i just don't see them.

an american friend in d c says, i know that dim sum place, i've been there, i don't like it. i say, did you have tofu flower? she says, no. i say, did you have waterchestnut cake? again, no. what about taro dumpling? no. my friend says, i don't see them, they were not there. i say, dear american friend, you can take my word the bank, they are there, you just don't know what they are. true. take tofu flower. all one can see on the dim sum cart are two aluminum vats, a pile of bowls and spoons. no label. why they don't provide any label for the sake of american friends? because they are sold out just from the chinese customers. at one point hwubby asks a waiter, do you know how many people line up every day? he says, too many.

at another point cindy, who finds out about this place, points to something on a cart that is passing by and asks stuart, the chinese guy who tells cindy about this place, what is that? stuart casts a quick glance and says, you can order whatever you want. so cindy does. a plate of two little tarts. by the way, i notice stuart kind of half covers his eyes with a hand. briefly. after having half of one cindy asks me, suk wah, what is this? i take a good look at it and decide to be honest. i say, it's not dim sum as i know it, they make this up for the americans. stuart says with a straight poker face, never saw this before. hwubby says to cindy, when stuart tells you to order whatever you want it's the code for you to say 'no, you order.' cindy chuckles. she has a good sense of humor.

on one hand i know what's in the aluminum vat and i know what waterchestnut cake looks like.  on another hand i come out of meditation often thinking i don't have any experiences when in fact i have plenty. i just don't see them. just as my american friend needs to go dim sum with someone who knows about it i have to meditate with the guidance of a great teacher. then i know i am having a great connection with my own self when i am sitting quietly with the sound and movement of the breath.

a joy to behold.

how to tell whether a teacher is good, or great? look at the student. here's the example. this person says, nine months in a year i don't have time to see my friends, now it's summer i have to catch up. i size up this young man and say, how come? she says, i'm in this choir throughout the school year. what kind of choir is that? i've been in it for twenty years. what? yeah, i began the first year in the university. a choir in the university and you're still with it? so happens that i know the choir director. i really love her. she is this embodiment of creativity and discipline in joyous harmony. by the way her name is joy. how do you like that. her name is an honest reflection of what she is. vibrant joy. back to this twenty-year choir member. she is a computer engineer by profession. her devotion to music, to the teacher, to the practice infuses everywhere in her life. she has this lovely house of beautiful bones. the garden is pleasing to the eye and mind. from a chinese eye, the chi flows nicely through the rooms. she has a keen appreciation of energy quality, that's for sure. she saw it and bought it just like that. i have forgotten she has a terrific sense of humor. we have so much laughter and fun whenever we run into each other, me in my pj and her arranging her gorgeous flowing chestnut hair before going to work. she sings the teaching of welcoming to perfect pitch. she says, joy is a very important person in my life, she says i can stay in the choir as long as i stay with the full rehearsal schedule, so i'm in the university most nights of the school year. keep in mind she has a high power full time job. i'm not even going to go into the variety of interests she devotes herself to. and she does it all with such ease and...joy.

such are the qualities of a great teacher. such a teacher is a joy to behold and a big boon to humanity. i'm so proud and thrilled to have both as my friends. lucky me.

teaching dream

one nice dream after another. two in one night. my teacher comes in the latter one. i am sitting at a big, round table at the back of an expansive hall with people. we are kind of shooting breeze, very laid back. i see my teacher. she is walking in a steady gait across the hall, sort of from my right to left. as she gets closer to me i see three dolls tucked into her backpack and she is in walking shoes. i say, have a nice walk. she beams, comes to the table, and starts talking to us. she pauses behind each person momentarily. as she gets closer and closer to me i feel more and more self-conscious. i can't hear what she is saying. it seems that she is saying nice things to other people. soon after coming out of the dream i realize it's the residual tendency to feel inadequate, worthless and comparing with others.

happy and content to be a one trick pony

a person in my life has been moaning, groaning and goes, i'm wrong, i can't do it, it's hopeless, can't you understand? do i understand? hey, i'm a one trick pony. all i know, from eighteen years of meditation, chanting, studying with the teacher, contemplating the teachings and many direct experiences, i have within me a solid and stable source of contentment, courage, strength, serenity and sweet joy. as long as i am anchored in that place i can see all kinds of dark mental clouds appear and say, o, it's weather. and you know what, all weather pass sooner or later. no exception. someone asks a swami, can meditation help me to get over all this negative stuff? without missing a beat he says with a smile and eyes sparkling with conviction, yes, unless you hold on to it. and so it is that i hold on to one thing and one thing only with my dear life. i am light, consciousness and bliss. everything else are weather. the only way i know how to become established in this place is...meditation. i'm happy and content to be a one trick pont

even fools can have spiritual experiences

have to come out of meditation abruptly. not a pretty sight. lingering headache. at several points in time i catch my attention completely caught up in everything that my own great self is not: impatient, exasperated, wishing things could be different.

but while i am in meditation i am anchored and afloat in this wide open, lovely space within my own being.

no wonder the teacher says, again and again, to the effect, that even fools can have spiritual experiences but what counts is whether i can hold the experience while i am not sitting cross-legged.

i draw so much grace

'in sickness and in health, for better or worse, richer or poorer.' hey, i am having the full range of experience as laid out in the vow. the teacher says, all this is grace, all this and all this is grace, everything is grace. and guess what? this morning's meditation is a two hour of sweet peace and strong contentment and deep sense of security. no wonder the teachers says, grace is that which takes you back to the source. wow. i draw so much grace. amazing. fantastic.

this body is a temporary garment

hwubby and i take a walk basking in the afternoon sun. it's so nice holding hands and feeling the warmth of each other. one warmth. it's been such a long time since we've been able to do that. i remember something my teacher say when she was a teenager. as an indian and knowing little english, she was given the task to translate her teacher's teaching talks in front of large audiences of foreigners. she asks her beloved teacher, why do you give me so little time to prepare? he says, to the effect, then you can truly appreciate the power of grace. as the question and answer appear on the screen of the bright and quiet mind i realize i am having just that, an experience of the power of grace. there are so many challenges and uncertainties in our lives. yet my inner space is sweet, warm, pristine and permeating the fragrance of freedom. from this vantage point it is clear, without a doubt, that everything in the physical universe, circumstances, situations, are simply reflections in the mirror of my pure consciousness. this body is a temporary garment sheltering the ever-great, ever-full, ever-fresh inner self.

in order to attain what you want to attain...

no wonder the ancient wisdom says, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. i wish for full-realization. and look what i am getting. one challenge upon another. just when i think this is as intense as it gets, the scale and proportion keep getting more intense as time goes by relentlessly. tick tock tick tock. all i can do now is to stay in each moment, be with it as it is and pour forth all the cumulative powers of the spiritual practices and understanding to anchor me tight in the present no matter what. periodically i remember something a person say the other day, over sunday chai, i have a dream with the teacher, in it she says, sometimes you have to go through suffering in order to attain what you want to attain. i take it as a message meant for me. i thank the person for sharing it. the simple statement sounds bitter to the mind which is under the influence of old baggage. at the same time it feels right and releasing. if i could attain what i want to attain without suffering, that would be nice. but if i couldn't what can i do?! i can't back down.

have no fear. inner self is always with me

my teacher says again and again, to this effect, go higher into your own self, deeper into your own self, you'll see things you couldn't see before. i am having a powerful experience of that. here's how it goes down. at one point it looks like it's all but certain we have to sell our house. do i panic? no. am i upset? a little but i quickly see it as passing cloud. i don't attach my self worth to anything outside of myself. period.

a few days later, a question comes up in meditation. and then another. i take these questions to see the person i trust most in this kind of matter. by the end of our dialogue i see a road map to resolve the situation. there are actually two possible ways to resolve it and they are ways we can manage. hwubby says, this is unbelievable, one moment i am all but certain we are doomed, the next moment it all works out, i couldn't believe it.

as if that's not good enough, yet another insight comes to me in this morning's meditation. i see the pathway to blend in the two ways to become the third possibility. now we have not one, not two, but three options. actually, as i am journaling i see a fourth one. talk about abundance consciousness. which one to go with? i see a sequence. i'll try one. if that doesn't work, i'll go to the next. and so on and so forth. meanwhile i'll keep a close watch and an open mind to the ever-shifting circumstances. really. have no fear. the inner self is always with me.

i am bright and bold sweetness

hwubby says, look at your nest. indeed. my meditation closet is a choreographed pile and cluster of zafu, zabuton, cushions, folded blankets in a variety of configurations. when i went to tahoe, i had two suitcases. the heavier, bigger one is all for my meditation equipment. i'm just so grateful that my teacher has made it possible for me to sit cross-legged on the floor comfortably for an extended period of time. with a lot of support. a lot. this, to me, is compassion.

i've come to a point where i can dwell and roam in the inner mystical world more than two hours and not feeling any strain and stress on the body. in fact, i experience incredible alchemy taking place in the body. lighthearted sweetness steadily release from the joints, tissues, ligaments. the spine is upright and bright. i realize this is not a fleeting feeling. this is the real thing. this is who and what i really am. bright and bold sweetness.

a new tradition is born. happy chanukkah.

come to the first night of chanukkah after a day of busy airport, full flight, stormy weather. i look at the low, dark sky. i can see the old habitual tendency that drags the body and mind to go down lurking in the periphery of consciousness.