it's what spiritual work is all about

a trusted and respected aunt says, twelve-step program is my spiritual path, i have no other, i've been to meetings for twenty years. i don't know what to make of it. what i think i know what twelve-step program is doesn't match up with this kind and sweet woman who has no problem speaking her mind in a straightforward yet respectful manner. at that point i know some negative tendency is tainting the way i see twelve-step. arrogance. self-righteousness. so i decide i have to go to one to see that for myself.

what i see is stunning and awesome. week after week, for years, a group of men and women get together, create and sustain a safe and committed environment for sincere seekers to connect with higher power/god/inner self or whatever spiritual truth that rings true for that individual at that point in his/her journey. there is a framework that is articulated in a methodical, step-by-step manner and in plain english. my spiritual teacher says, to the effect, we walk on the path, each with his/her own pace, sometimes a person gets off the path but he/she can always get back on it. last night in a meeting i feel like that. it's a big group. there are people who've been on the path for seven or eight years. there is a woman who is here for the first time after being dealt a huge emotional and psychological blow a couple of days ago. i am there for the fourth time and still figuring out what i am. i am amazed by the depth and breadth in people's shares. one person says, what i discover is that it's not that i don't have erratic thoughts anymore but they are like this. he puts his thumb and forefinger just about touching each other to indicate what he means. wow. he nails it. that's what spiritual work is all about. knowing and exercising the power to turn towards the light of god instead of going with the darkness of erratic thoughts.

doubting, second-guessing are spiritual killers

just one thought could rock the inner boat. case in point. we signed a bunch of important papers in the morning. it was the culmination of two months of hard work and masterminding. i felt tremendous relief. until in the afternoon when i caught myself already in a thought wave of doubting and second-guessing. i should have...what if i didn't... there was a time when i would be so caught up in it that this broken record was stuck in the mind for days and weeks. this time around i catch myself looking at it and the power of sustained spiritual efforts lift my perception to a higher vantage point. an inner message appears. this is not you. drop it and forget about it. so i summon the will and intention to kick them out into the field of pure consciousness. i keep doing it for a little while like scrubbing hard stains on the kitchen floor. i take a pause and scan the inner state. the negative thought wave is much weaker than before. it is now a lingering whisper hovering in the far horizons of awareness.

very soon after i settle into this morning's meditation i experience this message. meditation reveals my worthiness. it is pure. my own greatness is unaffected by anything. i feel this surge of strength from deep within the belly. with that i notice the inbreaths becoming even deeper and the outbreaths longer. just like that i relax into my own mystical world.  my own grace draws grace. great things happen. i see grace absorbing all that negative tendency. the mental mirror is a little clearer and cleaner.

they run out of momentum unless i feed them

hwubby says, i have this realization. i say, what, what? tell me. he says, i am aware of the moments when i have these anxious, negative thoughts and stuff. but what about the rest of the time when i don't have them? that is what i have to be aware of. that is like an ocean and the anxious moments are little islands. when i am stuck on an island i am not aware of the ocean.

that's so great. and i would attempt to go another step further to suggest that those moments of anxious, negative thoughts and stuff are foam. they look real up till the moment they run out of momentum and dissipate. unless i feed them.

going for the sky and beyond.

3 am. doing my oral thing i have this experience of me watching suk wah getting sucked into some negative mental activity. watching suk wah being pulled here and there by this concern and that worry i could't believe i had lived like that for so long.

then in meditation as i sit comfortably in the body for 2 hours i realize i am having this priceless direct knowledge of who i am and who i am not. i am definitely not that one who identifies with the thoughts and feelings. i am the one who watches with great patience and understanding and clarity and strength. physical strength. mental strength. emotional strength.

a few hours later i am on my way to lake tahoe, taking in the spectacular vista of swathes of alpine trees. they all soar straight up going for the sky and beyond. so am i.

i am not the negative thought

hwubby says, i notice something. the excitement in his voice is palpable. i say, what, what? he says, i have this negative thought. i couldn't wait to cut him off. i say, no, you don't have it, you are not it, that's not you, it's just some mental weather, you just see it. he says, okay, okay, i see a negative thought and, at the same time, i notice a constriction in the breath. i say, that's really great. he says, i realize when i have, no, when i see a negative thought, i'm really standing outside the door to my self, i just need to step through the doorway into my self. and then? he says, i shift attention to the breath, it's so soothing and then i don't even remember what that negative thought was all about. indeed. thought comes. thought goes. well, unless i feed into it and go down the slippery slope. a typical way is to say, i shouldn't have this thought. another way is, what a clever girl am i. blah blah blah.

my inner self flows through the breath. the breath is the pathway through which i return into the safe shelter of the inner self. from there i watch the thoughts and feelings come and go while the lights of the inner self shine forth.

habits are neural circuitries

favorite activity. snug-cation, hold-cation, fold-cation rolled in one with hwubby before meditation. couldn't imagine nicer preparation than this. pretzel up and supple up the body.

hwubby says, it's so fascinating. i watch these negativities come up, not strong, just kind of making their way in. i can really see them for what they are. habits. old habits. i breathe in, pray to god and they go away. then they come up again. i breathe in and out, pray to god and they go away. just like that. i say, yup, where the light goes, darkness dissolves.

gone are the days when i thought once i turned away from a negative tendency it's goodbye once and for all. nope. that's not how habits work. they are neural circuitries. they don't just go away forever. but they weaken over time as i build up the meditation energy deposits and new circuitries. for instance i still see the fear of a mouse sprinting out from some unexpected corner when i walk into the kitchen. but it is no longer strong enough to control my thought, feeling, speech and action. now it is a residual habit. it's only going to get weaker and weaker unless i feed it. instead, i watch it, breathe in deep, let the light of the inner self shine through and get on with what i intend to do in the kitchen.

miracle hwubbies, miracle food. miracle buddies.

i'm walking through shivaa's gardens ready to rock'n roll another evening of wonderful and marvelous meditation, chanting, studying and... eating. so there i am oooh-ing and aaahhh-ing at the abundantly blooming roses and who leaps into my vision but norm's beaming, welcoming presence. of course i'm opinionated. i think my hwubby is the best of the best but i have to say norm comes in a really close second:) this is his day off and he is totally blissed out having us taking up his house for a greater part of the day. he is always happy, really happy, infectiously happy. i say, hey, what are you doing? he chuckles, i'm mowing and i'm happy. there you have it. meditation in action. he's humble too. such a great combo.

we chant amidst veils of rose scents rolling in through the windows. gives an extra lift to the vedic hymn. feel it in my voice. feel it in our one voice. 

shivaa puts me in charge of getting her garden greens into the salad bowl. i almost ruin it. i see some pretty little lavender blooms sprinkled around the lettuce leaves. i just jump to the conclusion that they are overgrown weed that got mixed up into the lettuces. so i ignore the little nudge from within that says, ask shivaa, and toss them into the food scrap tin as i break up the lettuces, dill, fennel. the refreshing scent coming off the bowl builds and builds. shivaa throws in mango chunks, instructs me to add cranberries, raisins, roasted peanuts. i say to myself, i'm doing such a good job. and i hear shivaa say, where are the thyme flowers? ooops.

here's the thing. being around generous spirits like shivaa makes it that much easier to not get sucked into the tendency to beat up myself. it helps that much more to weaken the impact of negative tendency when i am around dedicated yogis who understand that nothing takes away or add to the inner self and so accept me as i am along with all those, let's say, residual habits. an even greater thing is they care about me enough to call me in moments of forgetting and disconnecting from the inner self. case in point, i am kind of rambling on and ruth, in her clear and bright voice, kindly says, get to the point. love it. i'm truly fortunate to have buddies who are so present.

as we share our reflections on our spiritual journey we listen to each other with an open mind, laugh our hearts out and munch our way through those yummy dishes that shivaa skillfully prepared with so much sweetness and thoughtfulness. the lima bean soup is sublime. the shittake base infuses an ethereal fragrance to the earthy, creamy soup that looks like molten alabaster. it's a beauty to behold with petite peas floating, red quinoa, carrot bits. taking it straight up to the seventh heaven with an inspired move shivaa made a mint yogurt chutney. i slurp down two nice bowl-fuls besides hummus with tapernade and chunky quacamole with a touch of tangerine. it's a miracle that i could meditate after all this for no reason other than they are truly miracle food.

miracle food. miracle buddies. lucky me. inner growth, truth growth, has never been easier. and fun too. lots of yuummy fun.